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11.2k · Nov 2012
I'm good at basketball
L Smida Nov 2012
Sports have rules
Down to every little detail
Zoned in and ready to go
You do this and this happens
There are memorized plays
Your mind reacts automatically
Rules
Every game has them
I'm good at body control
Now, controlling my emotions
That's a different story
I wish life was as easy as sports
In life, theres endless possibilities
You do this and you have no idea what happens
Baseball, volleyball, and hockey
I can play all day long
Life
I'm sick of it already
4.6k · Jan 2012
No Name
L Smida Jan 2012
One quiet night, I sit at my computer watching the curser blink on the screen as I am pondering upon what to write about. All is silent as my mind is running free, but the silence is broken by an instant message. The message is from an anonymous writer. The words that were sent to me say "Meet me at the park in 10 minutes."  Nervous chills crawl up my spine.  I respond with the words "Whom am I speaking with?" but the anonymous writer had signed off before I got a response.  Millions of questions race through my mind, I make my decision whether to go or not. Something in the back of my mind was telling me I should go and see who this anonymous writer is.
So, I throw on a dark hoodie and put the hood up.  I look in the mirror and I say to myself "Here goes nothing."  I slip out the window and head for the park. Its dark and creepy walking alone on this wet and windy road but I'm not going to turn around quite yet. Even though this isn't the safest area to be walking around this late at night, my mind was focused on what was going to happen. The park is only a few blocks away. I see it in the distance under the street light. I approach closer and decide to sit on the swings and wait. Silence filled the cold air and after waiting five minutes, which seemed more like an hour, because my curiosity was driving my feelings wild. I actively scan for anybody who may be walking near by, but I could see nothing.
Suddenly a sound struck through the air and I felt my phone in my pocket light up. I pull it out to see who in the world is texting me at this hour. The number is unknown and the words read, "I see you."  I look around nervously but see only darkness beyond the street light. So I reply, "Who is this?" As I hit the send button, my ears open up to see if I can hear any ring tones in the silent air around me. There’s nothing to be heard besides for my phone receiving another text that reads "Don’t be scared." So I think for a few seconds with my mind full of many different thoughts. Should I be scared? Should I be worried? What’s going to happen to me? Should I not be scared? All these questions bolt through my wondrous mind. I couldn't make myself get up off the swing; I sit here with my nerves all in knots. I see a figure stand up in the far distance across the street and it’s making its way over to me. I can’t tell who it is. All I can see is a silhouette of a human walking over to where I sit. The figure now stands before me and I stand up so we can be face to face. The anonymous writer is pulling its hood down, my eyes open real wide and my nerves are crawling around inside of me like ants on a piece of dropped unwanted candy. The truth is about to be revealed. The light coming from the street light shines on the writers face to show the ****** features. My jaw just about drops to the floor, as a major shock jolts through every inch of my body. The anonymous writer just so happens to be a girl, a pretty girl as a matter of fact. We look each other in the eyes for a moment with many different thoughts flowing through our minds trying to tell what each other is thinking.
The look in her eyes calms my nerves. Then to break the silence, I ask her if she would like to swing on the swings with me. She replied with the sweetest of voices "Sure." and that word danced around in my head over and over again till we started a conversation. I wipe the rain water off the seat of her swing with my sleeve so she could sit down comfortably.
She said "I knew you would show up!"
"You really gave me a scare." I said in a hushed tone.
She said "I told you not to be scared."
"I know, but it was all just so nerve racking. It was hard for me to focus. This isn't too safe of an area."
"True.  Are you okay now?" she asked.
"Yea, I’m fine now" and I gave her a smile.
She giggled "That’s good. I wanted to meet you but I wasn’t sure how, and I wanted it to be memorable."
I laughed and said "Well this is memorable alright."
"Sure is." she said.
My hands are beginning to sweat as our conversation continues. She stops our conversation and takes me by the hand and leads me to the street. Holding hands, she tells me that she wants to go for a walk. While we walk in silence, with each step, I am getting more and more paranoid about my hands. I glance down at her to see if I could tell what she was thinking about.
Then she looks up at me with her big pretty blue eyes and giggles gently when she says "Your hands are sweaty." My heart just about stops and I swallow deeply. Then she giggles some more and says "Its ok, I like holding your sweaty hand." and she grips my hand even tighter and cuddles up closer to me as we walk. We continued walking a few more blocks and I asked her "Where do you want to go?"
She replied "Anywhere."
I thought for a second and said "..Piggy back ride?"
She smiled the biggest smile and hopped on my back. I carried her to my secret spot where I lay and look up at the stars.  I set her down so she could get a better look at the place.  She told me that this place is beautiful and I mumbled a few words under my breath.
"What?" she asked curiously.
I said "You said this place is beautiful, then I said just like you." and with that said, she dove into my arms and we both fell to the ground. She cuddles up next to me and we laid there to gaze up at the stars for quite a long time. I look over at her and her head lay close upon my shoulder.  Her eyes are closed and I whisper to see if she is awake "Hey, are you asleep?" but there was no answer.  She continues to lie there so peacefully.  I lay my head back down and stare up at the black night sky.  Just as I was dozing off, I felt her sit up and pull her phone out of her pocket. The bright screen lights up her face and she answered it "hello?" I sat up and listened to what she was saying. She hung up and said disappointedly "That was my sister. She said that my parents are home and they are looking for me. So I have to go."
"Okay. Well, can I at least walk you home?" I asked
She said "Sure, but we have to be sneaky." She looks at me for an answer. I look at her and I put my finger over my lips and whisper "Not a sound." She smiled at me and we started walking. Once we reached her driveway, we hid behind the bushes looking through the window to see if her parents were sleeping yet. No sign of them anywhere.
Her eyes are looking at me and she whispers "Can I tell you a secret?" I nod my head and she asks "Are you sure?" I nod my head once more. She leans in and touches her soft lips to mine. As gentle as it was, it was mighty powerful. I could have sworn that time had stopped for that moment when our lips collided.
I look deep into her eyes and say "Your secrets safe with me." and she smiles, gets up, and goes inside. I sit here on the ground behind the bush just thinking about all that had just happened. All at once this one major subject came crashing into my mind. I forgot to ask her what her name was! I couldn’t leave without knowing her name. I pulled out my phone to text her, but it was dead. Then I notice a light that had just turned on, on the second floor of her house. So I grab a tiny stone and throw it at the window. I’m still hiding in the bushes just in case it isn’t her room. I wait to see if anyone comes to open the window, and she did. I jump out and she looks down at me and says "What are you still doing here?"
I look up at her and say "I don’t know your name?"
She says, "I dont know your name either."
"My name is jeff."
She laughs and says "Goodnight" and closes her window.
Confused with what just happened, I look at the ground and kick the stones in disappointment. I start walking away. I look back at her window to see if she’s going to come back but no luck. I head home and climb in the window that I had climbed out of earlier. I put my phone on charge. Then I take off my hoodie and cuddle up in bed. As thoughts fill my mind, I slowly drift off to sleep. A few hours later, I was awoken by my phone vibrating on the desk beside me. I rub my eyes and reach over to see who was texting me. It was that girl! The text read "Let’s meet again tomorrow." I reply "Ok. What time?" she said "Afternoon."  I type back a smiley face and fall back asleep.
As morning arrives, the sun peeks through my window and wakes me from my slumber. I check my phone and there’s a text message waiting to be read. It says "Meet me at the breath taking place where we star-gazed last night." I look at the clock to check the time. Its 11:11, I make a wish about how I want this day to be the best day of my life and I want nothing to go wrong. I jump up out of bed and trip over the phone cord, and I also hit my head off the ground to give me a huge head ache. I say to myself "Well, I better start getting ready if I want to get there by noon." I can’t find my hoodie, I can’t get my hair the way I want it to go, my dog chewed my favorite pair of shoes, and there’s nothing to eat. I’m beginning to think that my wish was left unnoticed. I’m not going to let these little mistakes get in my way. I put on my other pair of shoes and hurried out the door. When I get to the place where she told me to meet her, she’s sitting down in the grass facing the opposite direction of which I am coming. I sneak up behind her, put my hands around her eyes and ask "Guess who?"
She grabbed my hands and guessed "Jeff."
"How did you know?"
She replied "Your sweaty hands gave it away."
I laugh and ask her "What do you want to do?"
She answered "Swim!"
I point toward the lake. She nods her head and says "Let’s go!" We reach the shore line and I take off my hoodie and my shirt. She says "Wait, I have to put my phone somewhere so it doesn't get wet!" She takes my clothes, my phone and her phone and heads up the hill a little bit and sets everything down. I walk to the edge of the dock and look out across the lake. I turn around to see where she went and I see her running full speed in my direction. She screams and tackles me into the water. As we come up for air she puts her arms around my neck and slips me a gentle kiss.
"What was that for?" I ask.
"I like you." she replies nicely.  
We goof around and have a lot of fun. We swim toward shore and then realize there’s nothing to dry off with. We lie in the grass to soak up the sun, as we both are lying very still and quiet.
I ask her "What’s your name?"
She opens her eyes but doesnt look at me.  she looks up at the sky and says "When the time is right, I’ll tell you my name."
So then after she said that, I lay my head back down and to let the sun dry us both off. I stood up and gave her my hand. She took a hold of it and I helped her up. I let her wear my hoodie because it was getting quite cold outside and clouds were starting to form. As we walk along the road, I felt a few rain drops. We both start to sing and dance. Puddles started to accumulate in the holes of the road. We jump in all the puddles while we dance. Getting rather tired from all the action, I take a seat on the curb of the road and I watch her gracefully dance around like an angel. She walks over to me and gives me her hand. I grab her hand and she pulls me up. She puts my hands around her waste and holds my head. Our lips meet as the rain falls down upon us.
Our lips let go and she ventures off again to splash in the puddles. She left me standing there speechless. She comes dancing back and asks "What’s the matter?"
I say "Nothing."
"Well, there has to be something wrong if you have that lost look on your face."
"I'm just wondering where you came from. You came out of no where and completely changed my life."
"Is that bad?"
"No, not at all. Don't be silly. There is nothing bad about you at all. It's almost as if you were perfect."
"Awe. Thank you." she said
"You're welcome."
Soaking wet we continue on our journey. A car drives past and splashes water up in the air. I hold onto her to protect her from the muddy drops of water. It didn't really do much because we are already drenched with water but I felt like it was the most polite thing to do at the moment. The car pulls over to the side of the road and stops. The window rolls down and it’s her father. He orders her to get in the car. She gives me a sad look and awkwardly waves goodbye. I watch the car drive away and I realize that I am in a wet t-shirt and I'm pretty cold. She looks back at me through the rear window of her father’s car.  I wave gently to show that I saw her looking. I head on home and I hear my pocket ring. I pull out my phone and read the text from her "I’m sorry."
I answer "It's okay."
But I don’t get any response from her. I get home and get on the computer. An instant message pops up on the screen. It says "My dad took my phone."
I type "Awe, why?" and then hit the enter key.
"Cause I don't listen to him and his rules. I won’t be able to stay on long because my dad is going to disconnect the internet. So say anything you have to say right now before I have to get off."
I think real fast and say "I love you."
Then she signs off. I’m left here unknown of her thoughts. As night falls, I get the idea to go to her house. It’s still raining a little bit so I put on a hoodie and head out the door. I get to her house and I look for a tiny stone to toss at her window. I grab one and throw it. It hits the window and makes a quite ping sound.  She must have heard it because she opens her window and looks down at me. She mouths the words "I’m sorry."  I put my finger over my lips "Shhh.."  She leaves the window and I try to see what she’s doing. She throws a rope out and climbs down. I stand below her because the rope isn’t quite long enough. I tell her that I would catch her if she happens to fall. She lets go and falls into my arms. She grabs my hand and we run away up the street. Both of us gasping for air, we have to stop to regain strength. We sit in the wet grass and I put my arm around her "Is it the right time to tell me your name yet?"
She sits in silence just starring at the ground.
I look at her and say "I got this necklace and to make it special, I wanted to engrave your name in it."  I dig into my pocket and pull out the necklace to show her. "See, my name is here and I want your name to go there" the necklace reads "Jeff ♥'s ...."

I'm sitting here inspecting the necklace and I begin to hear weeping.

"Why are you crying?" I ask calmly, but no answer.

I ask again once more "Are you okay?"  I started to panic but then I realized that panicking will only make things worse.  So, I scoot real close to her and I let her rest her head on my shoulder.  

After a few moments, I whisper "Shhh. Don't cry. Pease, tell me what's bothering you."  Then I whip away the tears that fall from her eyes.

She finally replies "Okay, but you're going to think that I'm crazy."

"No. I would never."

She takes a big deep breath and lets it out real slow then says "I can see the future."

"Well, did you have a vision?" I ask.

She nods her head.

"Just now?"

"No, a while ago."

"How long ago?"

"While we were looking up at the stars the first night."

"Was it not a good vision?"

She shakes her head side to side.

"What was it about?"

She points her finger towards me.

I swallow hard and ask "How accurate are these visions that you have?"

"90%"

I become very nervous and shaky "Well, what's going to happen to me?"

She tries to hide her face from me but I won’t let her. Then I realize that I am handling the situation all wrong.  I let go of all my fear and settle down in a very calm manor. I can feel water leak from my eyes and run down my face.  When I try to hide them, more tend to roll down. I can't control my tears and that’s when I said "I don't know what you saw in your vision but now that you've told me, you've only raised my curiosity to know.  You don't have to tell me because what ever happens, happens. Nothing can change. But if you tell me then maybe there is something we can do to try and dodge the bullet."

After I let the word bullet come out of my mouth, she started to cry even more.  So, that sent me a little hint but I still wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

Then there was a sudden interruption.  It sounded far away but it was the sound of bad brakes on a car.  As soon as we both heard it, she put her head up real quick and said "It's them."

"Who?
4.5k · May 2012
Prom
L Smida May 2012
I thought that smile was for me
I fought for every second of it
My determination to win
To have you in my arms again
I shot every bad mood away
My last chance to have you again
The pain of fabrication
My smile can't hold
The lies in my blind side
My naive beliefs
How could you?
I thought we had something real
Something that would last forever
Our dreams planned together
Was that all your fantasy? 
Just to play around with me?
I thought this was love
You were all that I had
I threw everything away for you
Now I have nothing
While I watch you live your life like nothing ever even happened.
4.0k · Nov 2012
*As the journey goes
L Smida Nov 2012
A rough path it was
I walked through time
From end to end
I had to climb

I saw where we stood
On the corner of the block
I was so scared
To finally talk

My apologies to you
As you cracked a smile
Your arms around me
For a long while

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
On another block
Is where I appear

As our evening walk
Comes to an end
I am proud to say
You're more than a friend

You speak to me in a way
Where your body does the talking
It says I don't want to be alone
And so we kept on walking

A walk to your door
Under the porch light
You fear for me
To walk alone at night

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
A time where we froze
As the night grew sincere

It was close to Christmas
And we laid on the ground
I could tell that you wanted
My hand to be found

It took you a long time
To actually confess
And if you hadn't
I would've never guessed

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
This time I go back
To a time that was dear

We laid in the grass
And goofed off for hours
You actually dared me
To eat some flowers

And then one night
You pulled me down
Behind a building
With no one around

Your hand goes there
And makes me still
Never have I ever
Had such a thrill

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
I walk alone
Only to hear

You shout my name
Loud and clear
I turn and see
You running near

Into my arms
You hold on tight
The perfect hug
It feels so right

I wish you'd stay
But you have to go
I had feelings for you
I want you to know

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
Everyone knows that
Softball seasons here

I watch from behind
As she makes her way
Our eyes meet
With never a stray

She jumps into me
And I catch her flight
Her legs wrapped around me
And squeezed so tight

She never really knew
That I liked her a lot
I felt like I
Didn't have a shot

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
Walking on the tracks
You tell me your fear

You tell me your story
And with that I know
Your trust in me
Will surely grow

You keep going
Until there's no more to tell
And I'm pretty sure
For you I fell

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
I should hold close
Those ones so dear

But that's the thing
With time and math
We all have
A different path

You lead yours
And I'll lead mine
And in the end
We'll be just fine
Each part represents a different person. I was walking through town and realized that in the town there are marks of time. Here I did this and there I did that
3.9k · Jan 2012
*Crazy Enough
L Smida Jan 2012
I am crazy enough to want to be with you.
The craving is cruelly immense.
I am crazy enough to love only you.
The feeling is truly intense.

I am crazy enough to perfectly see you.
The flaws are secluded.
I am crazy enough to not see the lie of you.
The pain you cause is excluded.

I am crazy enough that no pain hurts me deeply.
The wound is convinced to never be shown.
I am crazy enough to forgive you for whatever reason.
The issue is decided all on her own.

I am crazy enough to trust your every word.
The persuasive tone defeats all doubt.
I am crazy enough to think you don’t do it on purpose.
The subliminal actions are pointed out.

I am crazy enough to say they're not real.
The truth is something I refuse to believe.
I am crazy enough to not care about myself.
The heart continues to be worn on my sleeve.

I am crazy enough to do anything.
The one you once loved will always be here.
I am crazy enough to admit that person is me.
The instant you call, I'll immediately appear.

I am crazy enough to drop everything to get to you.
The things I’d do are unthinkable.
I am crazy enough to save you from any danger
The effort inside of me is unsinkable.

I am crazy enough to let you use me.
The hope helps me think otherwise.
I am crazy enough to give you everything I have.
The hurt, I know, will oversize.

I am crazy enough to not care what happens to me.
As long as you are happy.
I am crazy for you and the joy you bring.
I hope this doesn’t sound too sappy.

I am crazy enough to keep on trying.
The damage can be somewhat repaired.
I am crazy enough to risk failure.
At least I showed you that I cared.

I am crazy enough to walk in the pouring rain.
The coldness of the weather won't stop me.
I am crazy enough to think I'm invincible.
The pieces that are left wish to agree.

I am crazy enough to prove to you how strongly I feel.
The energy inside is a fresh supply.
I am crazy enough to face the deepest darkness.
I can save you in a blink of an eye.

I am crazy enough to put myself out there to protect you.
The shield of my body won't let anything through.
I am crazy enough to wash away all your fear.
The touch of our fingers is the cue.

I am crazy enough to want to be crazy forever.
The comfort of your company is top of the line.
I am crazy enough to be crazy for you.
The way I am, is the master's design.
3.0k · Dec 2012
Goodnight
L Smida Dec 2012
I can feel my heart grow warm
Your words to me shouldn't do this
A simple "goodnight" shouldn't make my heart smile
The ease of this relaxes me
And it's a huge relief
2.9k · Jan 2012
Jump and Fly
L Smida Jan 2012
Hello there, I’m Heidi.  I’m 17 years old but I’m no longer alive.  I was 16 years old when I died.  It’s been a year since I’ve breathed the earthly oxygen.  The air up here is so much fresher than down there.  It’s quite unbelievable.  If you listen closely, I’ll happily tell you my story even though it’s not very happy.  If you're emotional, please take a moment to make sure there's a box of tissues handy, because by the time I reach the end, you might need some.  I’m just letting you know.  It’s not a happy ending.  Anyways, have you ever fallen in love?  Not the kind of love that you confused with the real kind.  I’m talking about true, heart pumping love.  The kind where you'll do absolutely anything for, anything in the world.  Even if it kills you.  The kind that if it starts slipping away, you'll do whatever it takes to hold it together.  You’re probably asking yourself, "16 and in love?"  Yea.  Well, here is my story.  
It all started with the day Sammy’s dad got a new job out of state.  We lived in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for as long as I could remember and her dad's new job was all the way over in Long Beach, California.  "This can’t be happening," I thought to myself.  "How will I survive without Sammy?  She’s literally my life, the air I simply breathe every day.  She’s the only person I fully trust with my whole heart.  She’s the only person in my life worth talking to.  She’s so incredibly sweet, the sweetest girl I’ve ever met.  She doesn’t judge, she doesn’t cause any trouble, she’s real down to earth, well put together, and smart.  Everything."  It seemed too perfect, almost dream-like.  You know, the dream that you never want to wake up from.  Well, there I was living it and I didn’t ever want to wake up.  
People use to call me "The Dreamer" because I was always in a great mood.  I was always smiling and taking big risks.  I only took those risks if I absolutely thought it was worth it.  Which most of the time I thought it was.  In my opinion, I thought I was too positive but not cocky.  I was definitely not cocky at all.  I was simply positive and cheerful and constantly trying to cheer everyone else up.  Especially Sammy, I secretly thought that I had super powers.  I somehow summoned a power deep within myself that could make real smiles appear on people’s faces.  Real smiles!  The ones that create a bundle of energy instead of taking it away.  You know, fake smiles, they are forced as a result of wasted energy.  The only thing better than real smiles are real laughs.  My energy comes from laughs and smiles from other people.  When I created laughter and smiles, my energy level would rise to the top of the meter and I would be confident about everything.  I would feel indestructible, and nothing could ever hurt me.  So I thought.
When Sammy and I said our goodbyes that day, I surely didn’t want that to be the end.  I didn’t want that moment to be the last.  So I promised her that I would look for her in the future and we could get back together.  We’d keep in touch everyday with texts, calls, and the internet.  She got on the plane and that was that.  I didn’t cry.  She didn’t cry.  Until our backs were toward each other, then I couldn’t hold it.  We knew we’d see each other again and we were sure of it.  She knew I had a plan up my sleeve and that I was going to make sure everything was going to be alright.  Trust, number one thing in a relationship.
The next day I couldn’t stand it.  I couldn’t put up with the empty feeling anymore.  She wasn’t physically here.  I missed seeing her face, her smile, and her eyes.  I missed her laughter and her hugs the most.  My energy was dying.  So I thought up a scheme and I was going to follow through with it.  I called her up and told her that I was coming to see her.  Soon.  
I searched all my drawers and pockets for all my money.  I was going to have to be able to afford a one-way plane ticket and maybe a hotel if Sammy's parents wouldn't let me stay with them.  I wanted to plan for the worst just in case.  I wouldn't want to show up with no money and assume they'd let me live with them.  What if they wouldn't, then I'd be *******.  So after a while of looking around, I came up with 510 dollars.  Enough for a plane ticket and a cheap hotel for a few days.  I’ll have to find a job for sure.  But first, I'd have to go online and find the cheapest airline to use.
I picked out a few sets of clothes and fit them into a single bag.  I didn’t want anything slowing me down.  I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving or where I was going.  Besides Steve, my neighbor, I got him to drop me off at the airport.  We waited in line to buy a ticket to the first flight to California.  Fortunately, the soonest one was in a few hours and there was still a few seats left.  He walked me to the security check and then they wouldn't let him past without a ticket, so he wrapped his arms around me gave me a tight squeeze and he told me that he'd miss me an awful lot and if I ever needed any help to just call him and he would help out as best he could.  Which made me feel a ton more relaxed.  He had tears in his eyes when we separated.  I remembered saying, "I’ll text you when I get there."  I assured him that I would be just fine and he had nothing to worry about.  I also thanked him for being such a great friend.  He really was and always will be.  He stood there as I attempted to walk away, but then I turned and had to go back for another hug.  Then I was sure I was ready to go.  The second attempt to walk away was more successful than the first.  I felt him watch me the whole way till I turned the corner, out of his sight.  
I sat in the terminal for a long time, analyzing the room.  I remember that there was a cute little blonde girl with her dad, a guy with a mysterious black hat and matching trench coat, a tall thin girl with a guitar, an average looking group of 20 year old guys and a few old women.  Those were the only people that stood out, there was many more but I don’t particularly remember them.  After a while, they started calling seat numbers that were allowed to board, starting with the back.  My ticket said that I was seat number 22.  When they called 20 through 30, I got up and found my seat in the big jet.  The butterflies in my tummy are as hyper as possible.  I imagined myself with a butterfly net trying to capture all the fluttering creatures inside me so I could release them on the outside.  They were all crammed in there, fighting each other for space, and it was an unbalanced feeling.  I put my bag under my seat, sat down in seat 22 and decided to make a quick call to Sammy.  I told her I was on my way and I should be there in a few hours.  She sounded extraordinarily excited which made my heart pound.  She made the violent butterflies stop their fighting.  She also told me that her parents agreed to pick me up at the airport.  How nice of them!  Then a lady told me to get off the phone.  I thought it was rude of her to say that to me, but I don’t like making people mad, so I listened to her.  The thing I remember the most is when I told Sammy that I love her, with honesty in her voice she said it back.  Then I hung up and then I finally turn my phone off.  As soon as everyone was in and completely ready, a woman’s voice spoke on the income system.  She said something about there being flight attendants going around checking everyone’s bags and seatbelts to make sure they're secure.  There was the sound of my pulse in my ears and it was louder than anything else.  It was difficult to catch everything she was saying.  I buckled my seat belt but I left a lot of room for movement.  Before I knew it, we were up in the air.  Then I closed my eyes and that’s all I remember.  Don’t ask me how I fell asleep.  All the excitement must've made me exhausted.
The next thing I know, all of a sudden, I was thrown from my seat and I hit my head off the window and it sent sharp shooting pains through my nerves.  Everyone gasped at the same exact moment, and I had no idea what was going on.  I don’t think anyone did but I think we all knew it wasn’t good.  The feeling was like standing in an elevator, having the cables snap, and being dropped from 100 stories high.  Only it was a million times worse.  I was being thrown around everywhere.  I couldn't hold on or even fight back.  Everyone was in mad panic trying to grasp anything near to sturdy themselves.  I managed to get a glimpse out the window to see the clouds shaking.  That told me that the plane wasn’t working right.  Something absolutely horrible was going to happen, the feeling was so strong.  I heard a loud click and then a thud and I caught a glance of the little blonde girl across the aisle from me get hit in the face with a huge metal suite case.  It hit her so hard that it knocked her clear out of this world.  She fell limp and her head lay still on the floor, blood oozing out.  The puddle started streaking toward me, it told me that the plane was tilting or rolling over.  I noticed that her dad wasn’t around.  I stumbled across the aisle and held her in my arms.  I remember my vision being really blurry probably from tears or the plane shaking, or both.  I patted her cheeks to try and wake her, but she was out.  I held her tight and quickly took the time to look around for help but then realized there was no help.  Every ounce of calmness was clearly gone.  I set the girl in the seat and buckled her in.  I wasn’t sure if that would do anything but it seemed like a good idea.  The plane stayed tilted on its side then shook and it literally felt like an earth quake.  My stomach started twisting; the nose of the plane was dipping forward.  I took another look out the window.  My head was spinning, thoughts scattered everywhere.  Everything was moving way too fast and I couldn’t keep up.  I couldn’t concentrate or focus on anything.  I stood up and that was it.  After that, everything went black and then a bright white light took over.  Eventually something happened and I was floating above looking down.  It was a horrid sight, everything so lifeless and dead, unmoving.  Besides for the flames, they were more alive than anything.  Smashed metal, sparks and fire, soundless noise, and in the middle of nowhere, what was going to happen to all these bodies?  
Later, I somehow channeled my sight into a different location.  It’s been hours later and I saw Sammy and her parents in the airport.  They were anxiously waiting for my plane to arrive.  Little did they know, I wasn’t coming.  Hours and hours passed only making them more and more worried and confused.  I felt horrible.  I wish I could send them a message from up here.  They went to look at the departure and arrival screen and there was no time recorded on the screen for the flight they were looking for.  It was completely wiped off the board.  Her dad led them to the main desk to ask the man behind the counter if the plane had arrived yet.  A sorrowful look fell upon the man’s face.  He blinked away tears and you could tell he was searching for the right words to say.  He started to open his mouth but then failed to force words out.  He swallowed a gulp of air and he shook his head.  Something turned all their attention to the 40 inch flat screen on the wall where there was a lady reporting “heart breaking news” about a tragic accident.  He pointed Sammy’s attention to the television behind him, although she was already deeply fascinated.  The news reporter explained and then there were live videos being shown from a chopper that was looking down at the accident.  Sammy cupped her hands over her mouth.  Tears immediately leaked down her face.  Her parents were crying too.  Sammy collapsed to her knees.  I felt like I was standing right there watching everything but I couldn’t feel my feet.  I floated over to Sammy who was sitting on the floor with her face buried in her hands.  Her mom knelt next to her with her arms braced around her.  I waved my arms and shouted, "Look I’m right here!  Please stop crying."  But no one saw me or heard me.  I went over to Sammy and tried to grab her face to make her look at me, but I couldn’t feel anything.  I looked down at my hands and they were transparent.  I panicked and I knew this couldn’t be happening.  But it was.  I was dead.  
I channeled into another location, my house.  My parents were watching the same news channel but they didn’t know I was on that plane.  They didn’t know I was missing.  They didn’t know I was dead until weeks later.  When I didn’t come home that night, they called the cops and sent out search parties.  Whelp, they found me.  They identified my body in the plane.  My parents didn’t believe it because they had no idea how I would've got on the plane in the first place.  Then when they brought my body back to bury it, it was proof to them that it was fact me.  I absolutely hated watching everyone cry.  I hated that I couldn’t do anything about it.  Everyone that I left was left in silence.  I at least got to tell Sammy that I love her.  I got a last hug out of Steve.  Those were the most important people in my life.  I couldn’t feel worse at this moment.  
I felt like I was doing the right thing, chasing my dreams.
The dreamer thought she could fly.
2.7k · Oct 2012
Black out. Pass out.
L Smida Oct 2012
Handed a drink
Smells of grape
Clear strong liquids
Black plastic cup
***** robed priest
Fair Snow White
Queen of hearts
***** canteen Indian
Hollister tall guy
Jeremy Matt Jake
Beer pong games
Intense with time
3 hours later
Winners and losers
Rookies against all-stars
My big mouth
"Flip cup anyone?!"
Four on four
Too intense now
Every round played
Too much beer
Way too fast
Louder and louder
Crazier and crazier
Drink after drink
Chug faster chug
Lost count already
16? Or 23?
Not slowing yet
Out of mind
Last game now
One on one
No more beer
Liqueur in cups
Don't even kno
Tap down up
Chug chug chug
Flip cup once
Winner me winner
One more game
Asks a stranger
What's one more?
Okay I say
Lost this match
But that's okay
Leave the room
Pop a squat
Not a couch?
But it works
Spinning room spins
Blurry figures there
Not too sure
What's going on
Black out hard
Can't hear anything
Can't see anything
Every once-in-a-while
"Are you okay?"
I can't feel
I can't answer
Black out again
Lost in deep
Seas of waves
Awake for seconds
How did I
Get on the
Steps to upstairs?
People drag me
Up and up
Black out again
Black black black
Dark dark dark
Oceans of drunkenness
10 o'clock a.m.
Holy ******* ****
What is this?
A soft pillow?
A warm blanket?
Someone was nice
I look behind
Me and there's
3 strangers sleeping
Next to me
What's that smell?
Puke on my
Jeans and clothes
Pillow in puke
How do I
Not remember puking?
I do not
Remember a thing
After flip cup
Lay for a
Few more minutes
Gain enough balance
To sit up
I see Mary
In the hallway
"Liiisaaaa!!!
How are you?"
What the ****
I feel okay
Not bad actually
Until I stand
Make my way
Down the steps
Bathroom is trashed
Sink ripped off
Of the wall!!
Beer, bottles, shots
Everywhere ******* disaster
I feel fine
But the smells
Make me puke
Think, never again
******* crazy night
Stories of me
Retold to me
You went hard
You're so little
You drank alot
You played every
Single game of
Flip cup dude!
I saw you
With your head
In a bucket
Puking so hard
I couldn't leave
You like that
So me and
A few people
Dragged you upstairs
Hahaha thanks guys
Blah cupcake blah
Pizza ******* blah
Apple pie moonshine
Stale white bread
Memories kinda lost
Everyone had fun!
The ******* end
Till next time
2.4k · Nov 2012
FWB
L Smida Nov 2012
FWB
We can hold hands
And not get serious
We can make plans
And not get delirious
We can kiss each others faces
And shimmy out of our laces
While my heart races
When you touch those places
And it's all just fun
So we call each other ***
There's no strings attached
Just my heart to be patched
And it's you I adore
Because we both want more
But we'll just cuddle on the floor
No energy anymore
I just want to play
I like the cute things you say
There's nothing to stress
I can't possibly make a mess
For that's what I fear
Hurting you my dear
Getting serious scares me so
******* up makes you my foe
I have to let you know
That I really don't want you to go
Because a friend is what I need
I don't mean to mislead
I thought we agreed
We'd aim to succeed
2.3k · Feb 2013
The happiest of things
L Smida Feb 2013
To drown myself in
The happiest of all things
Will let me die gay
2.3k · Nov 2012
*Attraction
L Smida Nov 2012
There are certain things
That attract my attention
Here I will tell you
But first I have to mention

That I like girls
And that I find them attractive
The more they're sporty
And the more they're active

With a slim curvy waist
And super nice thighs
The ones who're blonde
With the bright blue eyes

It's important to me
How you deliver your hugs
Cute punk rocker
With big *** plugs

Body like a canvas
Covered in ink
Falling more for you
With each and every blink

Sunglasses bigger
Than your tiny face
Underwear lined
With thin white lace

Piercings here
And piercings there
Short shorts
That you love to wear

A girl's playful aggression
Is totally enough
You might be able to tell
That I like it rough

If you bite my neck
And hold me down
Leave a bruise
And go to town

You'll have my heart
As easy as that sounds
But a good attitude
Is really what astounds

My favorite thing ever
Is when you sit on my lap
So I can wrap my arms around you
And keep you in my trap

I wonder why
It's so hard to find
A cute girl
With a chill mind
2.3k · Nov 2012
I hate...
L Smida Nov 2012
I hate how I need to change
I hate how I can't change
I hate how I don't know how
I hate how I am
I hate how I'm dependent
I hate how I need other people
I hate how compliments make me feel
I hate how it makes me feel when someone likes me
I hate how I fall for the desperate
I hate how I attract phycos
I hate how I can't be happy unless there's a reason
I hate how I can't be happy all the time
I hate how I hate other people
I hate how I live inside my head
I hate how I can't get out
I hate how I'm scared
I hate how I'm awkward
I hate how I'm not outgoing
I hate how I'm shy
I hate how I'm dumb
I hate how I'm slow
I hate how I'm short
I hate how I'm stubborn
I hate how I'm alone
I hate how people get under my skin
I hate how people never have a reason
I hate how people can't handle the truth
I hate how I can't remember ****
I hate how I get angry
I hate how I cry
I hate how I look
I hate how I act
I hate how I hate
I hate how easily people influence me
I hate how I'm so gullible
I hate how I don't know anything
I hate how I'm not quick on my toes
I hate how I'm lazy
I hate how everything requires money
I hate how I don't have money
I hate how I can't find truth
I hate how I can't make up my mind
I hate how I don't know who I am
I hate how I don't know where I'm meant to be
I hate how I'm so lost
I hate how I feel like a waste of space
I hate how I'm no one
I hate how I fail
I hate how conversation is hard
I hate how I feel
I hate how the only person to help me is me
I hate how I can't be me
Because I hate me
I don't wanna be me
Someone else be me
**** me
I am so mad and frustrated. I can't take it
L Smida Nov 2012
Going to the store
To pick up a few things
When I hear on the radio
A guitar's strings

Into the song
A guy's voice sings
My heart stops beating
For memories it brings

Forced to change the station
Can't bear it any longer
My head starts to hurt
Can't get any stronger

Out of the car
And into the store
That same ****** band
I have to ignore

On the speakers above
My old memories flow
Why are they your favorite
I really have to know

They drive me crazy
Everywhere I go
There they are
On the radio

All I want
Is to get away
Because we both know
You don't want me to stay

So these lyrics
That they say
Make me think
About the day

It was a shock to me
How you threw me away
Now this band
Is so cliché

They bring bad thoughts
And with those I miss
The soft tender taste
Of your warm sweet kiss

I do not like to be reminded
Of the things I have lost
Exercise the mind
Only to exhaust

With this band
I am still connected
To everything we've done
And what was expected

I thought you loved me
But I was rejected
We had everything
Right and perfected

I just wish
that I could forget
All the pain
And all the regret

I don't want to hurt
Or be upset
I am still glad
That we actually met

But knowing that you
Might still be mad
I can't live like this
With you being sad

I hope you've moved on
And don't hold a grudge
Because I'm not quite there
I really need a nudge

I'm sorry things didn't work
And that I wasn't the one
So I hope next time I see you
You don't have a gun
I miss you. But I can't have you. So all I can hope is that you're doing fine without me.
1.9k · May 2013
Laugh
L Smida May 2013
Oh
That laugh
Deep from your core
Uncontrollable outbursts
Fill up the corners of the room
Something truly real surrounding my head
Oh how I need something real
The way you lose yourself in the joy
The sound of happiness
Shuffles it's way through me
Chills run my bones
Nerves a bit queasy from something so new
My lips turn up with a grin
Something so strange is happening to me
What is this stifling emotion
It's weight on my lungs
I fight
And lose
Bubbling up my throat
A sound very similar
Laughter
A forgotten voice
A long lost ability
Contagious you are
Rubbing your filthy joyous self all over me
What is this preposterous habit
I run my hands down my arms
Wiping away this feeling
But
You girl... You.
What are you doing to me
Telepathically rearranging my neurons
With your leaky smiling eyes
And your mouth all open
Head thrown all around
How do you tweak my strings
Pulling my smile out from under the rubble
Warming my heart with those eyes
Burning red are my cheeks
It's like I've forgotten how to feel
And I'm coming to life again
Oh
That laugh
1.9k · May 2013
High hoe
L Smida May 2013
She'll **** your small ****
For a simple little line
Just to sail the sea
1.8k · Feb 2013
Don't get me started
L Smida Feb 2013
Ask me why I don't like to drive
I will give you the easiest of all answers
It's because I have to put full trust in complete strangers that get behind the wheel of vehicles that have the ability to **** people if not used correctly
Half of the people are selfish idiots who don't give a flying ****
And I don't even like trusting people to begin with
Even people that I know very well
People that do give a ****

I have to trust that you'll stop at that big red stop sign as I'm cautiously pulling through the intersection
I have to trust that that red light there is going to retain your hurried monstrous being from crossing my path
I have to trust that all you rowdy strangers are actually driving with the correct licenses
If one at all
I hold my breath driving through town hoping that no one will floor it out of a parking lot to cut me off
Even when there are absolutely no other cars around
Making me slam on my brakes is easier for you than to wait for two seconds to let me pass
That'd be inevitable
It's like no one even sees me on the road
I'm as invisible as a ghost
Either that or the judgement is way off
Any slight amount of doubt whether you'll make it or not
Should be handled by waiting
Because that doubt about not making it could turn into a full certainty when you're smashed into someone else

But it happens all the time without fail
I cannot drive through town without getting ******* at someone's stupidity
People hate waiting
Even if its only for two seconds
And I don't get it
Where do you possibly have to be that's so **** important
Everyone is constantly in a hurry all the time
FYI, driving slow and taking your time saves so much gasoline it's not even funny
If you wanna stop complaining about burning through gas,
Just drive slower
It won't **** you
It actually might save you
(Ex: it use to take me a quarter tank of gas to get to school and back when driving 70-80 MPH. I was following the speed of traffic. Now I drive the speed limit which is 55. My gas needle does not move!)

Driving under the influence?
Only god knows
Don't get me wrong
Some drugs are awesome
But not while driving
Putting other people's lives at risk by driving with a foggy head?
(Babies, children, families)
Not cool whatsoever
Do you care at all
Obviously not if you're doing so
Who cares if you **** someone
Everyone does it
It happens all the time
I have to trust that you wild human beings are watching the roads and being alert
But I already know that you are not concerned in the least bit to watch where you're going
Heaven for bid you put down that phone for more than three minutes

I don't like having this paranoia chewing on my gut every time I need to go somewhere
I have my headlights on 95% of the time
Why?
So people can easily see me coming
What do I see when I drive?
No one because people don't drive with their headlights on during a ******* blizzard or heavy rain
Hell! People don't drive with their headlights on in the ****** dark
Let alone a little rain
Someone ran me off the road once because they weren't paying attention and they totaled my beautiful ******* car
In plain day light
Basically T-***** me right into a ditch
Why?
Because he couldn't take one tiny second out of his very important life to stop at a ****** ******* stop sign?!?
And by conserving that second he slowed us both down by painfully whole hours
He ruined my whole month
Ruined my whole driving career
Because I carry around this paranoia chained to my leg that weighs about as much as a boulder
Giving me all these hellish problems that could've easily been avoided
You can see why I hate driving with a burning passion
No one follows the rules
I hate watching out for morons when it shouldn't need to be done

This is what bothers the **** out of me
They are giving licenses to ANYONE now a days
The ******* driving test is suppose to be a hard ******* test
They need to make it harder in my opinion
If its one thing that I wish people would do
Is follow the traffic laws
If everyone did that
We wouldn't need insurance
We wouldn't have problems
We wouldn't have to cuss at each other and get enraged
Road rage wouldn't exist
I wouldn't have to drive and get a heart attack every time someone swerves in front of me
I don't like having random obstacles like that

I drive the speed limit
Why?
Because if someone hits me
I won't get blamed
You don't like how I drive?
You can't complain because I follow all the rules
You can't say a **** word about it
I like being relaxed when I drive
I leave myself enough time to get to my planned destination
I don't like to rush around because that's the number one thing that ***** people up
You hurry and your mind forgets every little ****
If you're late and you're stuck behind me going 40 in a 35
Sorry Bub but I ain't gonna go any faster for you
I do not want to get into an accident and have to deal with all that **** again
Or get pulled over and have the little money I have get ****** outta my pockets
Not gonna happen
Get into an accident and see how you like it
Get pulled over and waste money
Go head
Be my guest
Afterwards, I bet you'll give the road 50% more of your undivided attention
Bad mood rant.... :/
1.7k · May 2013
Balance
L Smida May 2013
If you find balance
Then let the value of life
Be all it can be
L Smida Aug 2012
Maybe I'll have a family some day and put up a Christmas tree every year
Maybe I'll open up a studio called Phizzog and have a pet parrot named Cougar
Maybe I'll marry the love of my life and wake up to the sun peeking through my beach house window
Maybe I'll live to be 102 and be the crazy old lady with tattoos all over her body
Maybe I'll have a baby girl named Charlie and she'll create modern technology some day
Maybe I'll be a pro walrus trainer and I'll be famous all around the world
Maybe I will make people proud and I'll be super happy
Maybe I won't and I'll be miserable
Maybe I'll be poor and have a bunch of rad friends
Maybe I'll struggle, fake a suicide and change my name
Maybe I'll move to Nantucket and be apart of a pro sport team 
Maybe I'll find a place that makes me feel like I belong and I'll go to school, get smart, get what I need
Maybe I'll die young and get lucky
What have I gotten myself into
1.7k · Nov 2012
Can I play the role of God
L Smida Nov 2012
Is it wrong to test people?
Or is that role already taken by God?
Because I think it's the only way to really get to know someone
Or see who they really are
God knows who we are
Because he tests us
Over and over
And if I have to play God to get to know you
Well, I'll do just that
It can go one of two ways
I'll either watch you succeed
Or I'll watch you fail
1.7k · Aug 2013
The Good Life
L Smida Aug 2013
And the question is, “What constitutes the good life?” And the neurons in my brain automatically begin to connect and arrange themselves into a conveyor belt of possible responses. This is not about fancy cars and giant mansions. This is about searching high and low for the unique existence of character buried in the depths of your heart. The labyrinth of suffering is something that traps and consumes every single one of us. Being aware and accepting the circumstances that will occur after exploring all the different solutions of discovering a way to escape is a major fundamental element needed to survive. Ostracizing yourself from the countless number of distractions in today’s generation to truly identify your individuality is the most crucial procedure in recognizing an outbreak from conforming to false associations. Infinite minutes are wasted every day because there are numerous amounts of interruptions that interfere with our life’s mission. Eliminating these disturbances will erase people’s impulses to shake hands with laziness. More people need to realize that utilizing time and wisely spending the precious moments we have left should be more carefully valued before it is too late. At times like this, it is perfectly acceptable to be self absorbed on account that working towards a goal is in effect. Take the time to focus on figuring out how to learn and how to proceed in expanding the mind’s personality. It is so important to acquire the ability to control the aspect of reason. But once enough experience is achieved to gather the information on how to conquer the labyrinth of suffering, you will then inaugurate the good life.
There is only one way to assemble the knowledge as to where the door lies and that is by simply living life and never giving up. Take chances and live on curiosity. We learn by putting ourselves in situations that are out of our comfort zones, giving the opportunity to mess up. Overcoming the situation is when we gain the confidence to promote ourselves to the next level. Life is full of mistakes but it is about being intelligent about those obstacles. Building up from those faults and taking advantage of everything life offers. We will move on from every mistake only to come face to face with another one. But life carries us. It challenges us. And the brave souls that accept that challenge are the ones that go on living the good life.
my first paper for this semester
1.6k · Dec 2012
The rant of the century
L Smida Dec 2012
If I were a guy
Would it make life easier?
I often wonder..
More people would accept me
That's for sure
Because I wouldn't be a sin in people's eyes
I'd be able to flirt with any girl
Not just the gay ones
Because girls date guys
That's the normal thing as the majority goes
I could wear my baggy jeans
And cut off all my hair
And no one would stare at me
It would be normal
I would be normal
I'd fit in
If I were a guy
I wouldn't have to worry about the things I worry about now
I could get married
And have kids
I could just relax
More opportunities would open up
If I were a guy
All the stupid ******* would disappear
No more whispers going by
"Was that a boy or girl?"
And all I can think is
"***.. I'm human. Does my gender really matter that much to you?"
And why?!
Why should it even matter
You should treat me the same regardless
I'm a good person
Just because I'm a girl that dates girls
Doesn't mean you have the right to get up all in my business
So my heads ****** up
Deal with it
Just be glad it isn't happening to you
I mean,
Don't get me wrong
I'm proud to be gay
But some times it's hard
Like when ignorant people say we cant get married because we're the same ***
Now that bothers me
It doesn't make sense whatsoever
Love is love
That's the simple part
Why the hell are there even laws about the same *** not being able to get married in the first place
What's that have to do with anything
Who cares?
Like why is it a big deal
I've never figured it out
The government has much much more important things to do
Why do they waste their time making rules about what gays can and can't do?
People say God is the reason
But **** that
You go and cuss up storms
And say that God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and judge the **** out of every person that walks by
And you say that God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and cheat on your wives or husbands
And say God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and drink till you puke and get angry and beat on people
And you say God is the reason gays can't get married
You go and make all these mistakes
And you say God is the reason gays can't get married.
Like if you're gonna stick with God about that then stick with him for everything else
Don't be a **** and a hypocrite
Seriously, quit making up excuses
Let people live and quit worrying about everyone else
Because honestly you should be more worried about yourself
Anyways...
Who doesn't find girls attractive?
Come on
In all honesty
I don't want to be a guy though
Because that would be contradicting
It might make life easier
But it only leaves me wondering
How different it would be
Better or worse?
My head would probably still be ****** up
And I don't like wieners
And if I had a wiener
I'm not sure how I would feel about it
I'd probably want to have surgery to be a girl
So in all actuality
I don't really have a gender
I don't like being a girl
And I don't want to be a guy
What else is there
God probably didn't know what to make me
So he just went eeny meeny miny moe
And girl is what happened
You should see the differences in how people treat me
I've tested it
I'll dress girly one day
With make up on
And go walk around the mall
Smiling faces look but don't stare
People are nice to me
Polite
They say thanks and excuse me
People open doors for me
Or hold them open for me
But heaven for bid
Someone open a door for me when I have baggy jeans and a hoodie on
All hell would break loose
People don't smile at me
People stare with confused eyes
You can't see my cleavage so you're going to be a ****
Just straight up rude
I do not understand
I DO NOT!!
I don't like how this world works
There are too many stupid rules
There are too many people who **** things up
There are too many things that could be so simple
But too many people make everything more difficult than it should be
I wish things could be more relaxed
Everything is too up tight
Please don't comment.

When people ask me if I'm a boy or girl
I'm just going to start answering "IDK"
L Smida Apr 2013
Violently flowing through rapids of guilt and sadness
Drowning in a high abundance of lies
Choking on a thought to permanently throw everything away
To give up the fight and drift down stream to a completely new life
Pick up a new face and call it my own
Then a tug of war breaks out in my brain
Every heart wrenching, fake ***, lying ***** pulls at the opposing side
Hold on or let go?
These people are the past
They've made me who I am
And to tell you the truth
I wouldn't hold on for these people if my life depended on it
I'd rather drop over dead than go on living with these people
Look what they've done to me
Suppressed memories that I can't even grasp
A childhood that's vanished because its been so deeply packed away
A confidence that's nonexistent
A heart that's grown cold
An ego that lies and lies and lies
An identity that's buried so far under
I can't keep fighting this battle that's eating my life away
Charging this energy for the right moment
To drop all ties
Pick up and vanish
Fake my own death
And start somewhere else
Do it right
Fight the right battles
Hold on to those souls that are true and honest
And turn the cheek when the users come and try to bleed you dry
Realize that there's options
And not to settle for anything less than what's wanted
If you don't want it
Then don't have it
1.6k · Nov 2012
Being blamed
L Smida Nov 2012
I want innocence for a while
I'm sick of being blamed
Please let me lay low
I'm done being framed
I can't believe this
This isn't where I aimed
I'm not that crazy
I'm seriously well tamed
I can't take it anymore
For I'm too ashamed
I want to be forgiven
And not to be claimed
1.5k · Nov 2012
Coldplay
L Smida Nov 2012
Every time I hear a song by them
I catch myself...
I stop everything I'm doing
Listen to reassure myself
"Yep that's them"
Instantly my chest sinks
I turn to stone
But my heart aches
The words paralyze me
And I can't breathe
And their songs play everywhere
It's like this world WON'T let me forget you
It's crazy how you still have this impact on me
And you have no idea!
Whatsoever
How I feel
****
1.5k · Jul 2013
Unheard
L Smida Jul 2013
No matter how hard
The cries will never be heard
And you'll never come
1.5k · Nov 2012
Us (part2)
L Smida Nov 2012
So this is what it feels like to be broken....
Blink. Breathe.
I have my Picture People uniform on
Behind the counter
Can I help you I ask
"Uh hi. I think you're really cute and was wondering if I could get your number?"
Blink. Breathe.
Suddenly I'm sitting on the floor of your kitchen for the first time
Petting your cat Molly
The clock says 2:15
A.M.
You come into the room
make some pancakes
Cinnamon
Blink. Breathe.
We're sitting in your dads truck
Fish tank on my lap
Your hand on the steering wheel
Switch into reverse
Bump. Splash.
My pants are soaked
You laugh
I laugh
Everything perfectly fine
Blink. Breathe.
Cold
Ice skating
Nothing more do I want to hold your hand and kiss you
But those thoughts remain silenced
You fall once and call my name
My hand touches yours
And I wanted more
Blink. Breathe.
In a dark room
Movie credits rolling
Alone
You ask me
"Can I kiss you now?"
Pause
I lean in and it's a tongue battle
Hot and too fast
Blink. Breathe.
Hookah smoke
Dizzy
*****
You're wearing short shorts
You possess me to do things
My fingers trace your ***** line
Blink. Breathe.
You park your dads truck to get gasoline
You lean over and kiss me before you get out of the car
Blink. Breathe.
You hand me a ticket
Cannon Mac's Graduation
2012
I'm sitting in the bleachers
Surrounded by no one I know
Crying because I see you get your diploma
Blink. Breathe.
We're sitting in my car
Before you move 500 miles away
Hot tears sting my eyes
Can I tell you something I say
You say anything
I know this is crazy
But I love you
This is when she starts crying
I love you too
She gets out of the car
Looks in and says
"Marry me some day, okay?"
Blink. Breathe.
Marry me some day, okay?
Marry me some day, okay?
Marry me some day, okay?

These flash backs need to stop
They're killing me
I can't do this
I don't think I can do this
These flash backs are haunting me
1.4k · Dec 2012
*Struggle
L Smida Dec 2012
It's like I can see it in my head
As you're texting the words to me
I can see how stressed you are
Your head in your hands
Pounding with frustration
Constant wheels turning
I can only imagine how exhausting it is
And I squirm and struggle to sit here
Because I can't do anything about it
Oh how I wish I could take you away
Teach you how to relax
Slow down time
Count each breath
Feel it
Fill your lungs
Feel me
Seize your stress
Let me work those knots
Lay you down and straddle your body
Kneed your skin and play with your hair
Ease your mind off those headaches
I can make the pain disappear
Dissolve away
I'll mold your mind into a warm balance
Nothing but my hands on your mind
Forgotten the outside world
Feel me
Awaken forgotten nerves
Feel it
Relax your muscles
Please
I beg
Let me take you away
L Smida Jul 2013
Your innocent way of snaking open my heart
And tip toeing your pride inside
Shaking up everything in my kingdom
You slam the door to my heart
Over and over
Rattling my bones
Shattering my hopes
Destroying my foundation
Oh how you warned me
But I let you
I watched you take every single piece of my being
That I've spent so much time repairing
And played with it
Until you realized that you didn't know how
So you drained my moat of insecurities
And dismantled my walls of trust
You reconstructed a structure to support your own walls
You called it love
I call it devious selfishness
But within the pain
There was something different about you
And my gut was snagged on it
You've come through with explanations that were in my favor
Pain was never your plan
A submission of a simple antidote was issued
But you never took a second to listen to me
Your selfish needs defeated your focus
Its either everything or nothing with you
We could've waited this out together
Just to sit tight as friends
Wasting no time devouring each others company
Until the dust settled
But according to your behavior
You're just so entirely and terribly confused
At the beginning
When you charged the castle
My mind saw you holding control
Confident with your foot through the door
But time reveals how you're not even a brave warrior
You're just a floppy little jellyfish
You started this trouble and backed out
Before you could finish it
Leaving the ties untied
Letting words be unsaid
Losing the desire to act
And although whispers of secret lust
And crazy attraction
Linger on our lips
Where's the ambition that started this mess
Dig deep and find it
I'm begging you to finish this struggle
Don't make me finish it for you
Be spontaneous
Be forward
Be the strong confident girl that you showed me you could be
You can't lose
After all this destruction
The doors will open with just a glance of your light
You made it far enough into my heart
Please don't turn back now
I honestly just want you to know
That I'm still here
While you cower in a corner of fear
Wallowing in all your questions
Instead of acting on the emotions that are tearing you apart
Give me a chance to show you a whole new world
I'm still standing tall
For you...
You can't stay there
In a place that's unhealthy and miserable
Too scared to come out
So it's safe and predictable...
I can see it in your eyes that you're craving so much more
These feeling are killing you
Let them free and finish what you started
Step all the way through the door
And I'll catch you on the other side
1.4k · May 2013
"Hey buddy"
L Smida May 2013
The electric
Energy
That surges
Through my
Body
When someone
Blatantly
Mistakes
Me for a guy
Is probably
The strangest
Excitement
I actually enjoy

It makes me
Feel like me
When that
Mistake
Is made

When someone says
"Hey buddy"
I seriously
Want them to never
Find out the truth
That I'm actually a girl

I don't want
People to
Look at me
And casually
See a
Stereotypical
Girl

I never want
that realization
To occur

Is that weird?

I want
To be a girl
But
I don't want
to look like one

I want
To take on
The appearance
Of the opposite
***

I want
A flat chest
Short hair
A lean body
Toned muscles
And smooth skin

I don't want
To physically
Be
A man
Or
Take
Testosterone

I don't even like men

It's like
I don't want
To be
Either gender

I don't want
*****
Or
A *****

I don't want
To be
Labeled
Male
Or
Female

I don't want
Gender to be
A matter
That actually
Matters
1.3k · May 2013
I have not a clue who I am
L Smida May 2013
I am trapped
With bleeding wrists
I'm my own prisoner
Cuffed deep down in the cold dark dungeon of my own soul
Impossible to break free
Why can't I see what other people see
A kind, gentle, and fun loving person
Because I'm the one behind the scenes
Controlling these puppet strings
With the help of ****** judgement
They're the crazy ones
Not me
I beat myself to death
And I believe that I deserve every ounce of it
I'm convinced that I'm a monster
I run my life by portraying illusions
Making people see what they want to see
But I am no magician
I hold no tricks up my sleeve
I try to make myself as fun and loving as I can
For the sake of others
But there's always someone that gets hurt
Which constantly hurts myself
I feel all these lies,
All these fake **** attitudes twisted up in my guts
And fault dances around my head
Taunting and cussing
Pointing its bullying finger at me
"You fake ****!"
Society always said that its better to be nice
And it's easier to be nice
But it's not
It's not at all
I've always thought that I was considerably nice enough
But my ego is what tells me that
And egos run purely on lies
I wish I was a kind and gentle being
But these scars don't scream gentle to me
I'm sunk below the surface
Drowning
Not even reaching for air anymore
The struggle is not worth it
Hurting people isn't what I want to do
But it's all that ever happens
So how am I not a monster?
I'm a monster full of lies
How can I be both kind and hurtful
One or the other
How doesn't anyone else see how awful I am
"Because you hide every ounce of honesty behind a thick brick wall"
You hide all your bad thoughts because your super ego says that they are morally wrong
So I filter it out and say things that are socially acceptable
The clean and nice version
And 20 years of this
Turned me into a freak who has no identification
I'm a blank screen
No real personality
A joke
I blame school
I blame my sexuality
I blame society
All school taught me was how to be fake
And how to only show emotions that are acceptable
It never taught me how to deal with the emotions that I can't handle
It conditioned me to hide everything that's wrong
Store it away and forget about it
Black it out and pretend to be this nice person who cares about others
Tuck your shirt in and stand up tall
But whispers from some deep far away place come knocking at my door
And remind me that everyone does see how ****** up you are
"Everyone ******* hates your guts! Remember?"
"You're a **** up and you deserve no happiness."
And I realize that I will never love myself
I will never respect myself
I will never attract anyone
I'm a loner who will remain alone forever
Because I'm a box full of trash and lies
I can't love a monster
How can I tell myself I love myself if I stay this way
I need to change something in order for that to happen
I can't be a monster
How the **** am I suppose to accept myself
How do I truly change
Be real
Be honest
And still be faithful
How do I break that conditioned habit
If I become honest
It'll be brutally honest
If I let myself free
How will I ever keep myself tame
Acceptance is the number one step
If I go around hurting people then how can I possibly accept that?
Or the way I go through each day ignoring everyone
Because I don't feel worthy enough to even meet someone else's eyes
I'm shy
I'm quiet
I have demons whispering into my ear
Telling me all these rotten ideas
Convincing me that I'm a coward and a **** up
And I straight up listen
And I hear "that no one wants you"
And I get so mad
But I believe every word
I can't block them out
And anger takes over and I dare someone to say something to me
Pick a fight
Throw a jab
"Come on!!!"
All so I can release these images of violence that are being fed to my nerves
But I'm afraid there's no safe way
There is no way to be myself
Because I simply don't know how
How do I filter myself without filtering myself too much
But I feel like it has to happen
I feel like I HAVE to let myself go
I have to start living
Maybe once I let go and get a feel for it
I'll swing into something that's real
Explore the options
Ill never know what will happen unless I do something about it
And I can not,
Will not,
Straight up refuse,
To be this fake person any longer
I'm done being pushed around
I'm done letting you control me
I've been controlled for too long and I think that's why I don't have a ******* clue who I am
I let people choose my words
I let people tell me what to do
But not anymore
No ******* more
1.3k · Jun 2013
Attention whore
L Smida Jun 2013
If I could rip my name
From your rotten mouth
And hit you across the face with it
To show you how ******* hurt I am
Then I would do it
You don't see anything
Besides your own ******* feelings
Self centered
Attention *****
1.3k · Jun 2013
*Inside out eye balls
L Smida Jun 2013
The mind
Is a hidden
Place
Behind the
Eye *****
Where you
Can create
The unimaginable

Unattainable

And only the
Pupils attached
Can perceive
The madness
Inside the
Madhouse

With
Eyes turned
Inside out
Looking at a
                                          "Hideous"
Figure
    ­                             "Genderless"
Full of
                                                    "Naked"
Se­lf hatred
                                          "Vulnerable"
Lyi­ng
Lifeless
In the middle
Of a dark
Empty void
Words
Visually leaking
Out of it's head
And into
                                            "Stupid"
The air
                                    "Weak"
Floating
                                                  "Ugly"
Around
                                     "Failure"
And
                                                       "*****"
Around
                                    "Worthless"
Until so many
                                                       "Freak"
Words
                                           "Coward"
Are circling
All at once
                                     "Blind"
To make it
Too confusing
                                        "Self conscious"
To focus
                                                     "Shy *******"
All jumbled up
                                             "Hurting"
But these words
                                                      "Angr­y"
Are made up
Created from
Scratch
No reasons
No instigators
No proof

Built in

This thing
Is not an it
She's a girl
Who honestly
Isn't bad looking
Ashamed to look
The facts in the face
And surrender to admitting
The fearful truth

Compliments
Do get made
But the  
Words that
Float
Attack
                                        "nice"
Those
                                  "cute"
Nice
                                            "funny"
Words
      ­                                "smart"
And violently
Shred
                                             "attractive"
Them to
Tiny pieces
That dissolve
Into the void
Feeding it
More energy
To create more
Negative adjectives
And it's ridiculous
How did this girl
Get this way
Where did all this
Pessimism come from
This girl
Should not
Be thinking
So harshly
About something
Completely
Unreal
Beating herself
Draining herself
Into a lifeless
Puddle
For no ******* reason

She is intelligent
She has looks
She does have talent

She needs to
Out right her eyes
And look the hell around
Escape the darkness
Inside her head
She needs to wrap
Her brain
Around
All those nice
Comforting words
That are given
To her
Those are real
Real reasons
Real live instigators
Real material proof
So how
To defeat the
Unattainable
                                        "Love"
Mind
            ­                                   "Peace"
Of it's super
Evil
                                       "Kindness"
Negatives
                                          ­             "Happiness"
Powers?

There will
Come a time
Where all war
Will seize
And all waters
Will silence
And all bridges
Will be built
Sturdy

There will
Come a time
Where the
Blind fold of
Self hatred
Will lift and
Disappear
And be
Replaced with
A clearly
Open
Love
So strong
And so real
Creating a happiness
That is everlasting

Overpowering
Any evil

No
More
                      "Lies"
                 "Guilt"
                           "Sad"
                       "Miserable"
Distractions
1.3k · Nov 2012
*Sinner
L Smida Nov 2012
Addicted to her moans
Go head, throw the stones
I know I'm a sinner
Eating her for dinner
But I've made my choices
Can't listen to these voices
Differences divides
My conscious resides
Battles won and battles lost
The line forbidden to be crossed
But I've crossed my own line
Ignored all the signs
So what if I'm a ****
I do what I like
Looking temptation in the eye
Too precious to say goodbye
I can't help these thoughts of mine
Consequences teach me fine
It could be worse I confess
How else to make progress
Living fearless and alive
Don't care whether I survive
I'd rather fail while trying
Than be bored and crying
1.3k · Nov 2012
*Everything I do
L Smida Nov 2012
Just about everything I do
I do without permission
It pretty much turned into
A habit like condition

I guess you can say
That I have a big ambition
I'm eager to surprise
And accomplish my mission

Making people feel special
Is my own competition
And when it works out
It creates a huge suspicion

In or out
Name my condition
I need the ticket
For your admission

I want to be apart
Of your audition
Lets see what we can do
You're the magician

With hands so kind
Such smooth transition
Please show me to
Your favorite position

Can you handle a joke
Before intermission
I'm really only looking
For the cuddling edition

Hold me tight
With the right repetition
I want to ask you
To be my addition
1.2k · Sep 2012
Battle lost
L Smida Sep 2012
Wake up tear faced
Wet and soggy pillow
Thoughts of yesterday flood my head
Mind wrenching messages
True or untrue?
Shake off the hurt along with my covers
Lost in a book to escape the realness of life
The last page's turn brings back reality
Sneak away from the ache and into the shower
Mind buzzy busy
Dry off to get clothed
Close the drawer and stop
Just like that
Pause.....
And it all floods back to drown me in my own guilt
Completely unannounced
Hot tears stain my cheeks
Break down and a mind ****
Doing fine I told myself
How dare Thought be rude and burst in uninvited
Unaware of how much I've ignored
It makes things better
Until hurt sneaks up on you again
All the time
Never ending
Once a day
To all day 
No one to honestly talk to
Serious matters 
Everything on the chest must come off
They say it will feel better
You'll walk away with light feet and postured shoulders
But....
I know 
For some reason
Difference calls my outcome
Mind games whisper failure to my heart
Slouched my shoulders stay and brick by brick my steps 
Every day gets heavier
More stress and more panic
Across my message will not go
No one to hear me out
Always the factor of skipping out on my feelings
Listen instead of ducking into a battle
Wishing I could say all the words rioting in my mind
It drives me crazy in there
Desire to scream lungs out
Craving fixed hearts
Hungry for your lips
Devoting all my sorrow
Encouraging accepted apologies
My battle never won
1.2k · Jan 2012
Drip. Drop.
L Smida Jan 2012
Drip. Drop. It’s raining, but not outside. This rain is not clear. It’s cold to feel but warm to touch. The feeling is lower. The feeling of rain drippin, running, leaking. The monster spoke with me, talked with me, ordered me around today, as it does every day. He's very persuasive. I didn't let him see my fear. I don't believe I was scared. No fear to even be seen. He got the best of me though. He can talk me into a lot of things. He tends to lose his anger with me a lot of the time too and the fire ignites in his eyes, the glare on his face shines bright against the light. He lets go of control and bites me, sinks its sharpness deep into my skin, my leg, my vein, my blood. Now this is the feeling of the rain dripping, running, leaking. The rain drips freely down my leg and into my sock. It's cold running down, but when I wipe it away with my hand, it's warm. I hide under the covers to escape all light. The monster likes the dark. It feels as if its sharp teeth are still sinking, gnawing, digging deeper, but when I look down, he's not there. He leaves me with that feeling. The feeling lasts for a long time, keeping me awake. Maybe because the rain never stops, and the scary thing is, the monster and I are very good friends. I like him. Why shouldn't I? He makes me feel better, stronger, more alive. Good enough to keep me motivated. I can tell him anything and he'll listen. He loves the taste of my emotions. I miss him when he's not around. I crave his touch, his bite, his presence.
L Smida May 2012
Inch by inch the people move forward.
Slowly but surely you'll get to the destination.
With a cluster of indecipherable conversations
and the smell of lingering food and big machines
people move forward inch by inch.
You'll get to the destination slowly but surely.
People ride your heels more than they ride the rides.
With the emotion of impatience overwhelmed inside
and close enough to kick in anxiety
inch by inch the people move forward.
Slowly but surely you'll get to the destination.
The sun burns in the sky and raises the temperature of the air.
Soon to smell the closest scent of sweat.
The humid breath creeps around the back of your neck.
The tension is silent but everyone can feel it.
People move forward inch by inch.
You'll get to the destination slowly but surely.
A step that could be pushed back won’t affect time.
Time can’t elapse no matter how hard you try.
Each minute will always have those 60 seconds.
Inch by inch the people move forward.
Slowly but surely you'll reach the destination.
Their next step is when I finally lost all control.
flat tire is what it’s called.
ripping it clean off my foot.
Sock revealed and hot feet steaming
Snapping here. Yelling there.
“Back off *****, I can’t even breathe”
“Step back man, I need some space”
The people move forward inch by inch.
You'll reach the destination slowly but surely.
1.1k · Mar 2013
Fuck shit fuck
L Smida Mar 2013
I **** **** up
It's what I do
My heads on sideways
What's it to you?!

Your feelings got hurt?
***** to be you
******* *****
***** you too
I get angry sometimes
No relevance
1.1k · Jan 2012
Coffee
L Smida Jan 2012
As you drag me by the neck of my shirt and throw me into the dark room, I fall against the cold floor.  Sitting on my knees, I look up to see what’s going to happen.  My eyes search through the darkness that fills the room and I set my sight toward the door of which I entered.  I see only a silhouette of a body standing in the doorway.  With only soft whispers of the people outside the room, all of a sudden the shadows in the room slowly dance away as the door closes.  The room appears much darker now that there is not a single light to be found.  Feeling as if I’m a blind creature caged in with no where to go, my knowledge tells me that there’s not much to do but remain calm and set my mind free to roam in its own direction for a while.  My mind ventures off into a great mystical paradise of waterfalls surrounding the area.  So many different colors illuminate the views around me.  Among the floating mist in the air coming from the water splashes, there appears to be rainbows in the distance.  The waterfall in the middle looks to be the tallest of them all.  As I approach the tall rock with water flowing over it, I begin to ponder upon the entry way behind the falling water.  I can’t help but imagine where it leads to?  I study the currents in the water to make sure I don’t slip and fall on the slippery surfaces of the rocks.  I peer into the entrance as if I could see something on the other side.  I couldn’t tell if it was my mind playing tricks on me or if I was actually seeing something.  I see an unknown light far into the dark tunnel.  My mind is set for adventure and I won’t let anything get in my way.  I try to take a punctilious step forward but I fail miserably. My clumsiness guides me to fall into a deep dangerous hole.  Falling far and long, as I hit the ground, like any ordinary person, the first thought in my head is "Where am I?"  I glance around and there it is.  The light I saw before falling into this deep ditch.  I stand up and got an unbearable whirling feeling in my head.  I put my arm out to catch myself.  Hand against the cold wall of the cave, I regain my sight and the dizziness disappears within seconds.  I follow the light because it seems that there’s no where else to go.  The light is coming from a very shiny flat surface.  As I go to touch it, my hand goes right through.  My mind is curious to know what could possibly be on the other side.  I pull my hand back through and it comes out wet.  There’s water on the other side of this bubble type surface.  I ask myself, "Will I be able to breathe on the other side if I decide to go through?"  So I think that if I peak my head through just to see how far the water seems to go, maybe I can go through and find air above it.  I take a deep breath, I plunge into the surface and I smoothly go through.  The water is only a few inches deep.  I look around and I see a road.  I seem to be coming up out of a puddle in the middle of the pavement.  When I climb the rest of the way through, I notice that I am drenched head to toe with water.  What would you do if you saw a girl climbing out of a puddle that’s only a few inches deep?  I know.  Science doesn’t explain this one.  In this anonymous town, I tend to wonder about the people here.  Searching desperately for a familiar face, without a doubt in my mind, I look across the street to lay my eyes on a coffee shop.  It sticks out from every other building even though it’s very tiny.  The brick that it’s made out of is new and bright.  Compared to the rest of the town, it looks to be the newest shop around.  I make my way over and my nose is enjoying the pleasant smells arousing in the air.  The closer I get the stronger the smells become.  I open the door and the little bell on the handle lets everyone in the room know that I am entering.  Looking up at the menu behind the counter, I analyze the different choices.  I try to decide what to choose but there are so many things to choose from.  Before I even go to order, I have to make sure I have something to pay with.  I put my hand into my front pocket and pull out a soggy crinkled five dollar bill that I never even knew was there.  Luck?  I approach the cashier and he asks me what I would like to order.  I look at him and say, "The best thing you got."  He gives me an awkward stare which tells me that he’s thinking about what to make for me.  He smiles.  Then he takes the money out of my hand, turns around and starts working on my order.  After he finishes, he hands me my drink that smells absolutely divine and I head toward a booth over near the window.  I decide to make myself as comfortable as possible in the red shiny booth.  Wet jeans aren’t too easy to get comfortable in though, but I’ll deal with it.  I put the cup close to my lips as if I’m going to take a sip, but as I look up my mind stops.  Everything pauses as my mind forces itself to think.  A familiar face?  Do I know this person whom is sitting two booths across from me?  It sure seems like I know her from somewhere but I don't recall any retained mental impressions of her at all.  I notice that she’s alone.  As our eyes meet, my heart tends to beat louder with every thought that flows gently through my mind.  I pull the cup away from my lips because it is too hot to drink anyways and I make my way over to her table.  I ask her if it would be okay for me to join her.  She nods her head up and down.  As I go to sit down, I stumble upon my own two feet and spill my drink all over myself.  With my nerves all in knots, I look over at her and she’s sitting there giggling to herself.  She gives me a look and her eyes tell me to relax.  While I’m cleaning up my mess, she asks, "Why are you all wet?"  I know I should be honest, so I tell her exactly what happened regardless if she chooses to believe me or not.  I stand up and as I tell the dramatic part of the story, I swing my arms back and I hit a person walking past me with a tray full of food.  Of course, everything goes everywhere all over the floor.  All my mistakes are leading me nowhere.  She takes my hand and sits me down across from her.  She whispers, “Forget about everything that just happened.”   With everything going wrong, I have many doubts in my head that are telling me that this girl is not liking it one bit.  My doubts are getting stronger as I keep knocking things over.  I’m about to give up but she quickly rushes through my thoughts, pushes through my doubt, and grabs me by the front of my shirt.  Pulling me towards herself, I feel her soft lips touch mine.  I feel like I’m floating on clouds.  All my thoughts change in an instant.  Every doubt that accumulated in my head has now vanished.  After we let away from each other, I try to hold her as tight and as close as possible without letting go.  Except there’s commotion that’s interfering with my thoughts.  I don’t ever want to let go but when I open my eyes, I am sitting on the cold ground of a dark room where I started hugging nothing but air.  How could a person go from feeling like they're on top of the world breathing the best air, to feeling like there’s not even enough oxygen to inhale to fill one of my lungs?  I guess I must have traveled too high of an altitude?  The thought of her brings clashing emotions to my heart.  I feel completely lost and incredibly lonely, because she isn't here.  Yet I have the capability to remember her soft gently touch and I can actually feel her here with me which makes me feel not as lonely.  I remember her hug and I can visualize her warm smile.  But what really keeps me going are those eyes I remember so well.  Green diamonds in the morning, blue pools by night.  When I asked the cashier for the best thing you have, he really did give me the best thing.
1.1k · Mar 2013
Stuck on you
L Smida Mar 2013
Get the **** outta my head
Get up off my bed
Get out you hurtful chick
Quit being such a ****

What's so wrong about my love
*****, I will put you above
Give you every nickel and dime
Each moment made prime

But not if you treat me like ****
Come on, don't be dumb
Just imagine what we could become
Without you, I'm numb

You, darling, are my foundation
Fascination creation station
Here, I crumble at your feet
Broken, bleeding, incomplete

I fight the hope that's buried in me
I should let you go, set you free
But you swim around in my head
Like you own every thread

Pulling strings that shatter and snap
I've created my own trap
I'm stuck here loving you
But for her your heart grew

The picture changes before my eyes
Oh god I wish there wasn't lies
I want to wait
But **** this fate
1.1k · Jan 2013
Body
L Smida Jan 2013
My body wildly craves abuse
It begs me to work for pain
So I push myself to the edge
Or sometimes over it
But as I am still young
In a sense, my body can handle it
Or at least I like to think so
So I'll hurt the next day
(From running 8 miles)
Or I'll puke my guts out
(From partying with people)
But anatomy is super cool
Our bodies can gain muscle
Process alcohol
Consume drugs
Experience a variety of things
But we will heal
Repair ourselves
And do it all over again

My body is addicted to attention
As well as probably yours
And his
And hers
We beg inside for pleasure
We work ourselves to find someone
Or something
To make us feel better
(At the top of our game)
A significant other to touch us
Or a sweet sweet to munch on
Or a work out to sweat it out
And we are young
So we want as much as we can
(We can't get enough)
To last us the rest of our lives
And experience is part of it
I want as much experience as possible
Because in all honesty
I don't know what I like till I try it
Pretty much that goes for everyone
(Most of the scary stuff is in your mind)
Get past it
I crave experience
Good or bad

My body thrives on achievements
It begs me to keep up the good work
I push myself because I'm young
Things are easier to do now
Compared to later
I see older people struggle with everything
I want to keep these muscles I have
So I will work them hard now
(I will run and lift weights)
I want to keep my mind open
And I'll experience a bunch of things
(Drugs, drinks and ***)
So I will have fun crazy stories to tell when I'm old
Cause that's all old people are good for
Telling good stories
Right?
So I'll continue my journey
Through all the new experiences to come
The only thing I wish
Is that I would've started this journey
A LONG TIME AGO
(I've wasted half my youth)
And that disappoints me deeply
1.1k · Aug 2013
Distraction
L Smida Aug 2013
I'm no help to you
I'm only a distraction
From reality
1.1k · Jan 2013
*Does your mother know best?
L Smida Jan 2013
Her sneaky way of stretching your ear
And silently one stepping herself inside your head
Completely unaware of the puzzle she's building like castle walls around your brain
No matter the combination to your safe of hidden secrets
There she is
Surrounding you like a thousand knights to one thief in the dark eerie woods
Prying even more secretively behind the red scene
Twisting the rope of war right out from under your feet
Because your hands are already tied
No matter how determined you are
About keeping your hot hair balloon afloat
She'll squeeze you like a lemon to get your acidic confession
Her blood hound senses will sniff 'em out no matter what
And then lick up the floor to judge your statements
No chance of over looking the oder of guilt gushing outta your pores
Or the bashful heat boiling through your veins
And the shameful twitch starting in your left eye
But of course
Your attempt to stuff those emotions inside the false confidence of your jeans
Is only a clean wiped window for her to look through
She'll ease herself on you at this point
Knowing the mouse in the trap has nowhere to scurry
Her approach will stare deep into your soul
Very painfully silent
After a crucially long moment
The silence shatters with her first question of interrogation
And the weight of your balloon comes crashing down to the crumbly ground
Feeling broken and hopeless in the rubble
Laying limp in the muck like a wet noodle that has escaped the spaghetti plate
Drained of emotions
And exhausted by shock
The final announcement says the war is over
And the opponent has won
My attempt at a visual poem. My goal is for you to get plenty of crazy images in your head as you go
1.1k · Apr 2013
Storm my motivation
L Smida Apr 2013
I will use all of this ****** up **** to fuel me
..Push me
....Taunt me
Filter it into spoonfuls of motivation
Feel it's burning rush through my veins
Take it as it is and use the **** out of it
Drop kick the emotions and flush them out
Shove their faces underwater and drown them without looking back
Clouds flood the sky to cast shadows over everything
Winds pick up and swirl with great amounts of anger and frustration
Transformed and shaped into powerful perseverance
**** EVERYTHING
WHY SHOULD I CARE
I have what I have
I'll take what I can get
Things come and go
But **** everything
Nothing's ever good enough for anyone
That's what's wrong here
**** my silent violence
To hell with my broken heart
It's already broken and not getting fixed any time soon
Might as well **** around all over the place
**** those ******* who think they're the ****
**** traffic and those irritating ******* that make it such a hassel
**** those painful glares that stab like knives in my back
**** those ***** that judge and have problems with everything
**** those who don't know how to be patient and content
**** those who pretend to be your friends and then lie straight to your ******* face
And say all kinds of unproportional ******* about you behind your back
I see what I don't want to be
And it's in all these people
They **** me off with tremendous passion that ruins every ounce of my being
It builds up and builds up
Layer upon ******* layer
Anger on top of frustration on top of violence, irritation, disappointment and hatred
I take all of it
Bundle it all into one huge ball
Struggle to hold it all in
Red face turning purple
When I'm about to burst wide open
I strike a match and let it all burn
It burns down into this amount of nothing
This gooy sticky gunk that I can roll between my fingers
But I use it to pursue myself
I turn it into something else
Form it into a backbone and create determination
Persistent in working my mind
Training it to do this until it becomes a habit
Living within these people but completely separate
My mind is not like theirs
And I'll never let it be like theirs
"Spoon feed my veins"
1.0k · Sep 2013
My heart leaked out my eyes
L Smida Sep 2013
She watched my
eye brows draw
closer together as
the mighty question
fell from her lips

Guess what?

Her eyes were hard
And crystal clear
Heart heavy
Fingers softly tracing my jaw
Silently observing her posture
Wrinkled nerves
Itchy nose
Still as stone
Eye to eye
Her lips part
Whispers against the silence

I love you

Like a blob
My heart
Abruptly swells
And pops

The walls of my
Fortress
Collapse
And all stability
Escapes through
The cracks
Of the floor boards
Leaking out
The tear ducts
Of my eyes
Down my face

Emotionally tied
Floating on a raft
In the sky
With the cotton
Candy clouds

All within a
Blink of an eye

I love you too
1.0k · Oct 2012
One confusing story
L Smida Oct 2012
She once said
"The first time I saw you,
I saw a story in your eyes."
This simple confession got my attention.
I wanted to kno more
I wanted her to talk more about me
I had to kno what she thought
No one had ever talked about me like that before
It was all new
Someone interested in me?!
Whaaaa!
Nothing exciting ever happens to me
She retells a story that I should remember but later I confess that my memory is a horrible thing
It goes like this
"You won't remember this but
I came over to you one day and asked you if you had a pen that isn't a pencil.
You shook your head and said no."
Honest, I don't remember
But I remember you telling me that story very clearly
There was something about you that was very interesting
You reached down into my gut with your words and pulled a good side out of me
Every time
You had magic in your words
I swear
I could listen to your rhymes in creative writing class forever
You were so good haha
I won't forget that
Promise
You sat on the opposite side of the room
in the back
Another statement from you saved in my memory some how
"I loved when Bonnie would volunteer you to go up and read what you wrote out loud to the class"
Bonnie, she was always volunteering me
No one else would go
So I was forced to read my crap to everyone
All the time
I also remember texting you one day
About a year later
The reason for having your number has been lost somewhere in the fog
But I think it was about math?
We had math together
Quote from her, "I had been thinking of a way to get your number and then one day you texted me and I got excited."
>>Fast forward>>
We talked
Got close
Closer
Really close
We could talk about everything and anything
No sensors needed
We let loose and relaxed
What was it, a week straight?
We hung out for quite some time
Days in a row
Light up night became a tradition
Hopefully it will continue
We'll see
I started to like you
You got that deep down inside my heart
You found a way to slip through my wall
I trusted you
Felt for you
But your other life that was put on pause ... Resumed
And I wasn't in it before
And I'm not in it now anymore
I was there and gone
Your previous lover took over the reins
Not a word to me
Not even a warning
We just stopped talking altogether
Hands held while watching movies
Hands intertwined while falling asleep
You warned me of your nightmares but I didn't care
I witnessed one and when you woke up screaming
I squeezed your hand tighter
I wanted you to kno I was still here
To comfort you
I didn't go anywhere
But all that was just.....
A moment
Your lips to my hand
...
Just a moment
Nothing to come of it
A fling
A person to fill in while you fixed things with the ex
But it was nice while it lasted
I won't lie
I enjoyed those moments
But lost and gone
Just a memory
One that I won't lose
Nothing held against you
Friends is what we settled on
And I'm fine with that
Glad I didn't lose that one person I could talk to
The thought on the back of my mind
Will it ever happen again?
Do I have a chance?
Do I wanna take that chance?
The answer is probably not
You seem happy and I want you to stay that way
No need for me to go messing everything up
Lets just say our story is over
Moved on
Separate ways
1000 · Sep 2012
This is what I think about
L Smida Sep 2012
I caught myself holding my breath.
Approaching the powerful intersection.
Enough power to take lives.
Lucky enough to have held onto mine.
The scene replays itself automatically in my memory.
Silver van pulls out infront of me and boom!
Swerve, ditch, smoke.
Gah, adrenaline pumping!
My car took its own life to save mine.
And boy do I miss her...
I blink and I'm on the other side.
I let my breath go and get hit in the face with another ******* memory.
It's funny how memories work.
They can be so deep down and forgotten.
And something like an innocent drive to free you mind can dredge up all the crap that's been buried. 
Every time I pass the house where I was first introduced to ****.
I think of Lyndsae.
Her stupid yellow mailbox.
I have the hidden urge to beat that **** down with a baseball bat.
I look for that ugly car she drives.
Knowing it won't be there in the drive way.
I still catch myself looking.
When I see that car out on the road,
That burnt orange little **** with tires,
I glance at the driver.
Never her.
But still...
No matter how far down the memories are,
It still comes back to me.
I wish I could twist a cork ***** into my ear and yank my brain out.
Take it apart and put it back together again like a puzzle.
Only, leaving out all the pieces I don't want to remember.
I don't wanna think about Carlee every time I pass Eatn Park.
I don't wanna think about Drew when I pass the road I used to turn on to get to her old house. 
I don't wanna think about Coonz ******* that guy when I drive to New Eagle.
And when there's no land marks to refresh my mind ****** memory,
The music does a fine job of working tears out of my eyes.
Taylor Swift and her "I'm dying to know if it's killing you like its killing me" 
Or blink 182 saying "I'm just a ******* child, don't let it go to your head."
And as soon as Celebrity Status starts playing, BriZ is there sitting beside me. We're off to pittsburgh's light up night.
With the next song, she vanishes "and sometime I say things that I wish that I could take back. The most crucial thing I lack is a thing called tact. And if you're always so intently listening. Then that smartest thing to say is to tell myself not to say a thing"
Oh!!! And the real heart wrenching song of all that makes me ball like a little ******* baby "oh dear. It's been hardly a moment and you are already missed. There is still a bit of your skin that I've yet to have kissed..... We'll be holding hands once again. All our broken plans will mend. I will hold you tight so you kno."
And oh I want you to kno so bad.
My memories won't go away. 
They are apart of me.
Believe me, I wish I could sort them out and throw all the bad ones away.
But I can't.
So you can say I'm not over something when I am.
Cause when the subject is brought up, it's impossible not to think about it.
Just because it's a memory that makes me mad, sad, upset, angry, or violent, doesn't mean that I'm not over it. 
I'm over all the stuff in the past besides the absolute last thing that happened to me. 
She felt like my one and only.
I called her the love of my life.
Better than all the rest by far!
So much trust and happiness.
But love don't last forever. 
I think about her all the time.
In bed.
In the shower.
When I swim.
When I hear music.
When I'm just ******* sitting here watching tv.
I fantasize way too hard.
And it only hurts.
It hurts to remember. 
I tell myself that I will do anything to get that back. 
But with what was said, she's turned off and out.
Faults mine, hands down. 
Round of applause for the old jack *** the refound the surface. 
I knew I couldn't be good enough for her.
Why do I set myself up for failure?! 
Maybe I should stop trying so hard. 
Psh.
I beat myself up worse than anyone else could.
I'm my own bully.
I'm the only enemy I have.
All the others are just decoys.
Mishandling situations
That's all on me.
And I can't do anything to change it now.
Regret? Yea.
Some.
A lot.
But it's over.
All over....
998 · Dec 2012
*The dream cycle
L Smida Dec 2012
It's funny how we worked so hard to get here
It's just me and you now
In this dark cozy cabin
We both think we know what's going to happen
But oh how wrong we are
I am outside looking in on myself with you
And I can't stop what's happening
Believe me
If I could stop myself from leaving then I would
But I watch myself get into a car
While I look back in to see you laying in bed
Waiting for me to come back
But the car drives off
And suddenly I'm back inside my own body
Sitting up with my hands tightly on the steering wheel
Driving too fast for rain
Time is just speeding past us now
I look at the clock every few seconds
And hours keep passing
My eye brows work with confusion
And I know I should go back
But in my mind is a place where
Another girl will be
Waiting
Working
Why am I headed toward her when I have a girl back at the cabin?
This I cannot answer
But I know the girl back at the cabin will wake up soon
And she won't be happy
Her heart will break
And I can stop it but I won't
And I don't know why
Because I know the girl I'm after now will only break mine
She won't make me happy
I think she will
But she won't
And then the cycle changes
I'm no longer in a car
But standing bare foot on the warm concrete in just my bathing suit
And there's a bunch of people around
No one familiar
But it doesn't bother me
I step in the pool and hold my breath
I open my eyes under the water
Only to black out
No pain or anything
Just boom. Unconscious!
I wake up drenched with water and sweat and blood
Still in my bathing suit
I try to sit up but I'm still in shock
So I lay here just moving my eyes around
I see Scott
And a few other people I know
He tells me to relax
And I ask him what happened
He stalls and looks around to the other faces to get approved to tell the story
How don't I know what happened?
How don't I remember anything?
But he begins to tell me
He says
You got out of the pool
Walked over into the restrooms
Into a stall and started smoking blunts
One after another
A kid saw you and beat you senseless
And we found you a mess
Alone
Just passed out on the floor
You don't remember that?
He asks
No! No I don't remember anything after I got into the pool
My thoughts to myself are
Why can't I control myself?
And then the cycle changes again
I'm early to a party
Mary and her friend are upstairs
For some reason me and the two people I'm with don't go upstairs to be with them
It's just known to us that we aren't welcomed
But we were invited
So we stay down stairs and drink
We speak in whispers
And the only light is the bright moon shining in the windows
I find myself very intrigued by one of the girls I came with
The other, not so much
The girl I like
She was my very first crush ever
And now she's here with me tonight
For some reason she's really into me
It takes her a while to warm up
But once we're warm
I sit next to her and stare at her hands
And she speaks to me
I don't like my hands
Is what she says
I look her in the eyes for the first time and ask why
She replies
You're staring at them
And I say
You're hands are lovely and so perfect
She reaches over to hold my hand
And I compliment on how soft her skin is
And the touch of her hand on mine
Who knew that dreams could hold such an emotion
So intense and my bones ache with the desire to kiss her
But I don't
So we just cuddle on the chair and drink our drinks
The dream i had last night. I wrote this without mentioning the names of the important people involved. Why? Because I'm a coward
976 · May 2013
*Ghost blood
L Smida May 2013
Drifting slowly
Dreaming silently
Dark and empty
Nuzzled in nothingness
Only to be violently pulled back by a feeling so real
Burning
Pulsing
My eyes snap open
Panic skips my heart
Scared
Terrified
All at once
Flying through time
I feel my scars
Oozing hot and painful
Trickling and tickling
Down my calf
Into my shoe
Choking on the lump of fear
In my throat
Reaching trembling fingers
To feel
But
....
Revealing a clean hand
Dry bumps
Scar tissues
From years ago
Remain
But they are still alive
And they speak to me
In memories that linger
Testing
Taunting
Bickering
Live nightmares
Ghost blood
Drips
Gush
And even though
My fingers can't see
My mind can feel
Warm
Cold
Shivers
Frighting
Painful
A clean hand
Reveals no blood
But still
The sensation stays
Hot invisible streaks
Whisper on my skin
My eyes deceive me
How can I feel
What I cannot see
Eye lids close
Head falls back
Quiet
Listening to the ghosts
Because they are real
Powerful
More real than most things
They remind me of things
Feelings
Desires
Hatred
Failed attempts
So I give in
And let the invasion
Sink in
Absorbing
Painful
Flashbacks
Lost
Taken away
Traveling through chaotic time
Dizzy
Light headed
Images of disaster
It's dark in here
In my head
I'm lost
In my head
I'm trapped
In my head
Ghosts
Please unhand me
I've seen enough
I've been through enough
Let me move on
I wish not to be reminded
I like my blood inside my body
Get out of my head
Quit snaking through my veins
I'm over that
I'm done with it
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Leave me alone
Will I ever escape
L Smida Jun 2013
Channeling
Every emotion
To a setting
Where they
Do not
Will not
Can not
Be forwarded
For people to see
Subconsciously
Assuming that
The whole
World
Knows when
I'm
Mad
Devastated
Furious
For some ******
Up reason
That is unknown
To me
But if a detailed
Word
Isn't spilt
About the matter
Then nobody
Honestly
Knows such
Feelings
Are being felt
Thinking people
Can look hard enough
Care deep enough
See through me
Expecting too much
But expectation
Should be higher
Not from those
Of others
But of myself
Dealing with emotional
Confrontation
Is something
I cannot handle
Everything in me
Will push it away
Hide it away
Never speak a
Word
About it
But why?
Acting like a
Five year old
Instead of being
Forward
Upfront
And
To the point
Why is it so hard
To speak a mind's
Emotional struggles
Finding words
Or explanations
Is an impossible
Task for my tongue
To master
I'm stubborn
I'm miserable
I'm attention hungry
I'm self conscious
I know I'm all these things
But
Is
There
A way
To change
Those
Parts
Of
Me
When
It's
Who
I
Am?
I sure hope so
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