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L Smida Dec 2012
I avoid those serious talks
Ya know,
The ones about everything you hold inside
Who doesn't?
Oh yea
Attention ******
But guess what?!
I don't brag about my problems
I choose very carefully
Who I want to talk to
Most of the time I don't choose anyone
But things like that
Really kinda do need to be talked about
Lift that weight off your chest
It's hard for me to get started
When someone asks
"How are you"
I made it a habit to say
like yea
I'm perfectly awesome
And a tiny part of me wants that person to detect something in my eyes
But it never happens
I'm either a super good liar
Or they just honestly don't give a ****
And I bet I could guess which
I just really have a hard time
Like I get the urge to invite someone to have a coffee with me
Just so we can talk about all the bad things
Get it out of the way
I know...
How awful is that?
But I feel like my life is a huge secret to everyone
I need friends who know how to be honest
Who care and want to know me
Good and bad
I can't handle fake people
Or those people that are addicted to attention
I don't want to be one of those people who want people to pity them
I don't want pity or anything like that
#1 reason why I don't talk willingly
I just want someone to listen
And hopefully understand a little bit
And I'll listen right back
I need some kind of
Non dramatic
Those people that either don't say anything at all
Or they give you advice on your problems
That's what I like
Those people that listen and then say
"Oh well I have problems like that"
"Oh well my dog ran away"
"Oh well I went to comb my hair and..."
Subject changers
They direct everything towards themselves
Attention stealers
It's like
Come on
I can't talk to you
Nothing I even say goes in your head
All it does is make you think about yourself
When it's like
I'm asking you for help
And your talking about yourself
That helps me a lot
But seriously
Just a friend to keep updates with
Share our current situations
Back and forth
Equally listening and caring
Please tell me you know what I mean
L Smida Dec 2012
I do not know what else to do
I don't know what else you want me to do
I can't act for you
I can only do so much
What do you expect?
Cause I hope you can at least see that I'm trying
I tell you these things
Hoping to get inside
But I don't think my words mean anything to you
You just like the way they sound
But you really don't want anything to do with me
I can just tell
I mean
I play along
But I'm just fooling myself
We plan but never follow
And I'm tired of waiting
I'd rather go to bed
I'd rather go to bed with you waiting for me under the covers
Warming up the blankets for a good deep sleep
But all this waiting for you
I wish you would just say you don't want to hang out
Instead of saying yea and then ignoring me
I'd rather you just tell me to shut up when I start to tell you the truth
Instead of agreeing with me
I don't want to be lead on
I don't want to play these games
Yea it's cute how you make me feel like I'm 13 again
But lets not act like it, okay?
L Smida Aug 2013
So we jumped rock to rock
Through the unknown river
Your **** in those jeans
Makes my heart shiver

The way you move along
While sometimes looking back
The smirk on your face
Gives my heart an attack

We swam in our skin
Till our lips turned blue
Being this happy
Is something I never knew

The way you out shine the stars
That we gazed upon that night
I'm a sucker for those
Who are clever and bright

Lasagna, tacos
Mac n cheese
Your company
Puts my nerves at ease

I'm crazy with a crazy
That's crazy for you
I can honestly say that
That's truer than true

The way you grab my hand
And pull me into your chest
Something tells me
That we're gonna get undressed

The floor steals our clothes
And the sheets become our abode
The way you bite my hips
Makes my heart explode

Taking shot after shot
But you didn't care
You laughed along with me
When I broke the chair

I broke my neck
And the chandelier
You picked me up
And then kissed my ear

You bandaged my wounds
While holding me down
You are the most amazing chick
That deserves the biggest crown

Hair full of glass
And a girl full of concern
Unconditional love
Is something she'll earn

I jumped off the railing
And fell into her heart
If it was up to me
We would never be apart
I'll probably add to this later
L Smida May 2013
The more I admit
The more I can over come
All of the problems
The more I admit the better I feel..... Afterwards...
L Smida May 2013
When you do something
Your answer should always be
Because I want to
It's the only way to be happy
L Smida Nov 2012
A rough path it was
I walked through time
From end to end
I had to climb

I saw where we stood
On the corner of the block
I was so scared
To finally talk

My apologies to you
As you cracked a smile
Your arms around me
For a long while

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
On another block
Is where I appear

As our evening walk
Comes to an end
I am proud to say
You're more than a friend

You speak to me in a way
Where your body does the talking
It says I don't want to be alone
And so we kept on walking

A walk to your door
Under the porch light
You fear for me
To walk alone at night

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
A time where we froze
As the night grew sincere

It was close to Christmas
And we laid on the ground
I could tell that you wanted
My hand to be found

It took you a long time
To actually confess
And if you hadn't
I would've never guessed

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
This time I go back
To a time that was dear

We laid in the grass
And goofed off for hours
You actually dared me
To eat some flowers

And then one night
You pulled me down
Behind a building
With no one around

Your hand goes there
And makes me still
Never have I ever
Had such a thrill

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
I walk alone
Only to hear

You shout my name
Loud and clear
I turn and see
You running near

Into my arms
You hold on tight
The perfect hug
It feels so right

I wish you'd stay
But you have to go
I had feelings for you
I want you to know

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
Everyone knows that
Softball seasons here

I watch from behind
As she makes her way
Our eyes meet
With never a stray

She jumps into me
And I catch her flight
Her legs wrapped around me
And squeezed so tight

She never really knew
That I liked her a lot
I felt like I
Didn't have a shot

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
Walking on the tracks
You tell me your fear

You tell me your story
And with that I know
Your trust in me
Will surely grow

You keep going
Until there's no more to tell
And I'm pretty sure
For you I fell

But as the journey goes
I approach a new year
I should hold close
Those ones so dear

But that's the thing
With time and math
We all have
A different path

You lead yours
And I'll lead mine
And in the end
We'll be just fine
Each part represents a different person. I was walking through town and realized that in the town there are marks of time. Here I did this and there I did that
L Smida Jun 2013
If I could rip my name
From your rotten mouth
And hit you across the face with it
To show you how ******* hurt I am
Then I would do it
You don't see anything
Besides your own ******* feelings
Self centered
Attention *****
L Smida Nov 2012
There are certain things
That attract my attention
Here I will tell you
But first I have to mention

That I like girls
And that I find them attractive
The more they're sporty
And the more they're active

With a slim curvy waist
And super nice thighs
The ones who're blonde
With the bright blue eyes

It's important to me
How you deliver your hugs
Cute punk rocker
With big *** plugs

Body like a canvas
Covered in ink
Falling more for you
With each and every blink

Sunglasses bigger
Than your tiny face
Underwear lined
With thin white lace

Piercings here
And piercings there
Short shorts
That you love to wear

A girl's playful aggression
Is totally enough
You might be able to tell
That I like it rough

If you bite my neck
And hold me down
Leave a bruise
And go to town

You'll have my heart
As easy as that sounds
But a good attitude
Is really what astounds

My favorite thing ever
Is when you sit on my lap
So I can wrap my arms around you
And keep you in my trap

I wonder why
It's so hard to find
A cute girl
With a chill mind
L Smida May 2012
What happen to that feeling of desire
You fought for my love
As many times as I've turned away
You were there fighting for me
You knew what you wanted
And what you wanted was me
You saved me from myself, baby
You pulled my head above the water
My lungs are filled with your scent now, baby
I want to bury myself into you
Keep you forever
I crave your warm body
Your warm love wrapped around my heart
We had a passion for each other
Where did it go, baby?
Now that you finally have me
Why are you shutting me out?
Don't let all that war go to waste
Baby, listen.
Come back
L Smida Jan 2013
Can I come back home
Are you over it yet
I don't mean to rush you
But please don't forget

Take all the time you need
I'm afraid there's not that much
But I'll give you all the room
I just pray that you'll keep in touch

I'll still be here waiting when you come around
You know exactly where I'll be
Wondering about the things on your mind
For I can feel that they're about me

You scared me so far away
That I'm terrified to reach you
I act like you'll come back one day
But we all know what's true

You'll never come back
Or even say a word
My deepest apology
Has been left unheard
Another one I forgot to upload a long time ago. Again. It's has nothing to do with anything
L Smida May 2013
If you find balance
Then let the value of life
Be all it can be
L Smida Sep 2012
Wake up tear faced
Wet and soggy pillow
Thoughts of yesterday flood my head
Mind wrenching messages
True or untrue?
Shake off the hurt along with my covers
Lost in a book to escape the realness of life
The last page's turn brings back reality
Sneak away from the ache and into the shower
Mind buzzy busy
Dry off to get clothed
Close the drawer and stop
Just like that
And it all floods back to drown me in my own guilt
Completely unannounced
Hot tears stain my cheeks
Break down and a mind ****
Doing fine I told myself
How dare Thought be rude and burst in uninvited
Unaware of how much I've ignored
It makes things better
Until hurt sneaks up on you again
All the time
Never ending
Once a day
To all day 
No one to honestly talk to
Serious matters 
Everything on the chest must come off
They say it will feel better
You'll walk away with light feet and postured shoulders
I know 
For some reason
Difference calls my outcome
Mind games whisper failure to my heart
Slouched my shoulders stay and brick by brick my steps 
Every day gets heavier
More stress and more panic
Across my message will not go
No one to hear me out
Always the factor of skipping out on my feelings
Listen instead of ducking into a battle
Wishing I could say all the words rioting in my mind
It drives me crazy in there
Desire to scream lungs out
Craving fixed hearts
Hungry for your lips
Devoting all my sorrow
Encouraging accepted apologies
My battle never won
L Smida May 2013
I am sick of it
What the **** are you doing
You two faced beeeotch!
L Smida May 2013
As I lay my head to rest
Dreams of you are high at best
Living rich inside my mind
Another girl I will not find
Fighting a battle of hope and lust
Soon my chest will surely bust
I want you back, it's clear to me
But first I have to let you free
This is old and no longer true but I'm putting it here so I can take it out of my notes
L Smida Nov 2012
I want innocence for a while
I'm sick of being blamed
Please let me lay low
I'm done being framed
I can't believe this
This isn't where I aimed
I'm not that crazy
I'm seriously well tamed
I can't take it anymore
For I'm too ashamed
I want to be forgiven
And not to be claimed
L Smida Oct 2012
Handed a drink
Smells of grape
Clear strong liquids
Black plastic cup
***** robed priest
Fair Snow White
Queen of hearts
***** canteen Indian
Hollister tall guy
Jeremy Matt Jake
Beer pong games
Intense with time
3 hours later
Winners and losers
Rookies against all-stars
My big mouth
"Flip cup anyone?!"
Four on four
Too intense now
Every round played
Too much beer
Way too fast
Louder and louder
Crazier and crazier
Drink after drink
Chug faster chug
Lost count already
16? Or 23?
Not slowing yet
Out of mind
Last game now
One on one
No more beer
Liqueur in cups
Don't even kno
Tap down up
Chug chug chug
Flip cup once
Winner me winner
One more game
Asks a stranger
What's one more?
Okay I say
Lost this match
But that's okay
Leave the room
Pop a squat
Not a couch?
But it works
Spinning room spins
Blurry figures there
Not too sure
What's going on
Black out hard
Can't hear anything
Can't see anything
Every once-in-a-while
"Are you okay?"
I can't feel
I can't answer
Black out again
Lost in deep
Seas of waves
Awake for seconds
How did I
Get on the
Steps to upstairs?
People drag me
Up and up
Black out again
Black black black
Dark dark dark
Oceans of drunkenness
10 o'clock a.m.
Holy ******* ****
What is this?
A soft pillow?
A warm blanket?
Someone was nice
I look behind
Me and there's
3 strangers sleeping
Next to me
What's that smell?
Puke on my
Jeans and clothes
Pillow in puke
How do I
Not remember puking?
I do not
Remember a thing
After flip cup
Lay for a
Few more minutes
Gain enough balance
To sit up
I see Mary
In the hallway
How are you?"
What the ****
I feel okay
Not bad actually
Until I stand
Make my way
Down the steps
Bathroom is trashed
Sink ripped off
Of the wall!!
Beer, bottles, shots
Everywhere ******* disaster
I feel fine
But the smells
Make me puke
Think, never again
******* crazy night
Stories of me
Retold to me
You went hard
You're so little
You drank alot
You played every
Single game of
Flip cup dude!
I saw you
With your head
In a bucket
Puking so hard
I couldn't leave
You like that
So me and
A few people
Dragged you upstairs
Hahaha thanks guys
Blah cupcake blah
Pizza ******* blah
Apple pie moonshine
Stale white bread
Memories kinda lost
Everyone had fun!
The ******* end
Till next time
L Smida Jan 2016
I am in loathsome desperation
This lack of feeling is drowning me
And I can't find a sufficiently safe distraction to break me through the surface
(I'm not sure I want to be safe)

Buried beneath the world of novels
Living vicariously through characters that I wished were real
Scrambling to bump into an emotion that will jump start my heart

I feel dead
I want someone to punch a hole in my gut with their lips
I want someone's touch to ignite the fire
(I want to meet an arsonist)

Where is that spark that I used to lust for?
Am I blind or broken?
Possibly just lost

Suffering through horrified adrenaline withdrawal
I'm a ****** for standing on the edge
Please, someone push me into relapse
I am no longer capable of feeling butterflies.....
L Smida Jan 2013
My body wildly craves abuse
It begs me to work for pain
So I push myself to the edge
Or sometimes over it
But as I am still young
In a sense, my body can handle it
Or at least I like to think so
So I'll hurt the next day
(From running 8 miles)
Or I'll puke my guts out
(From partying with people)
But anatomy is super cool
Our bodies can gain muscle
Process alcohol
Consume drugs
Experience a variety of things
But we will heal
Repair ourselves
And do it all over again

My body is addicted to attention
As well as probably yours
And his
And hers
We beg inside for pleasure
We work ourselves to find someone
Or something
To make us feel better
(At the top of our game)
A significant other to touch us
Or a sweet sweet to munch on
Or a work out to sweat it out
And we are young
So we want as much as we can
(We can't get enough)
To last us the rest of our lives
And experience is part of it
I want as much experience as possible
Because in all honesty
I don't know what I like till I try it
Pretty much that goes for everyone
(Most of the scary stuff is in your mind)
Get past it
I crave experience
Good or bad

My body thrives on achievements
It begs me to keep up the good work
I push myself because I'm young
Things are easier to do now
Compared to later
I see older people struggle with everything
I want to keep these muscles I have
So I will work them hard now
(I will run and lift weights)
I want to keep my mind open
And I'll experience a bunch of things
(Drugs, drinks and ***)
So I will have fun crazy stories to tell when I'm old
Cause that's all old people are good for
Telling good stories
So I'll continue my journey
Through all the new experiences to come
The only thing I wish
Is that I would've started this journey
(I've wasted half my youth)
And that disappoints me deeply
L Smida Jan 2012
The funny feeling of alluring butterflies is an abyssal feeling.  You feel sick to your stomach but there’s something else that you feel.  You don’t particularly want the feeling to go away, because it’s a comfort awareness that you have a content with.  You want the pleasure feeling to stay but on the other hand you want to over come it.  The flutter of their wings tickles your insides to make jitters line your bones. You tell yourself that it’s all going be okay, once you remember how to breathe. Once you regain consciousness.  Once you’ve locked in on contact with her eyes, you got ****** into a whole different world, a whole different life, a whole different perspective on things you've never thought of before.  Everything changes once you fall in love.
L Smida Nov 2012
Is it wrong to test people?
Or is that role already taken by God?
Because I think it's the only way to really get to know someone
Or see who they really are
God knows who we are
Because he tests us
Over and over
And if I have to play God to get to know you
Well, I'll do just that
It can go one of two ways
I'll either watch you succeed
Or I'll watch you fail
L Smida Mar 2013
One two ******* three!!
So soon I will be set free
So just simply let it be
Sailing, soothing on the sea
Dumb and happy
Numb but snappy
Pop the slip that takes you higher
To meet the Cat Mr. Shire
He'll **** with your every desire
Rules to his game are to conspire
Laughing, cracking, going nuts
Energizer bunny butts
Wider bigger pupil hole
Fall deep into the soul
Gulped, swallowed sunny D
Giddy gladdy goofy glee
What the **** happened to me
The best creation ever to be!
Best poem I ever wrote
L Smida Dec 2012
Here I go again
Causing trouble everywhere I go
She wants to kiss me
She even told me so

I don't know what it is
The way she smiles lights my heart
I'll walk around searching each isle
Because she works at Walmart

I'll go just to say hi
Because its so worth her hugs
The elephant she stole for me
I use it to **** bugs

In a weird way she protects me
From all the scary things
Her way of accepting me
Confidence it brings

I have this feeling
That we could be really great
But I still have these doubts
I have a fear in fate

But then again I think
Why not try and have fun
See where it goes
But she does have a son

That worries me a little
Because he probably won't like me
I'm different than all the others
So it would be harder times three (x3)

I'd say that I'm okay with kids
Because I act like one still
I'm really easy to play with
Because I might have some skill

Name any sport
And I'll play you a game
I will make it fun
So don't worry about shame

That's all it's about
Having a good time
Leave the tempers out
That's what makes it prime

Let me get back on track here
I kinda lost my mind
Oh yea! she's really great
But please let me rewind

The first time I saw her
I wasn't sure at all
But now I'm sure
And I can't help but fall

I'm not sure where I'm falling
Or if its me she's aiming to catch
Hopefully I won't hit the ground
Cause that'll leave an ugly scratch

So I'm preparing myself for either way
I'm debating whether I'll end up on top
She seems really into me
But there's always that chance her heart will drop

It's not like I'm the only one trying
And I'm not one for competing
It's either you want me or not
But It's your heart that needs completing

It's all up to you
And I hope you wisely choose
If that choice is me
Then I'll instantly be enthused
I wrote this a while ago. I found it in my notes
L Smida Jan 2012
As you drag me by the neck of my shirt and throw me into the dark room, I fall against the cold floor.  Sitting on my knees, I look up to see what’s going to happen.  My eyes search through the darkness that fills the room and I set my sight toward the door of which I entered.  I see only a silhouette of a body standing in the doorway.  With only soft whispers of the people outside the room, all of a sudden the shadows in the room slowly dance away as the door closes.  The room appears much darker now that there is not a single light to be found.  Feeling as if I’m a blind creature caged in with no where to go, my knowledge tells me that there’s not much to do but remain calm and set my mind free to roam in its own direction for a while.  My mind ventures off into a great mystical paradise of waterfalls surrounding the area.  So many different colors illuminate the views around me.  Among the floating mist in the air coming from the water splashes, there appears to be rainbows in the distance.  The waterfall in the middle looks to be the tallest of them all.  As I approach the tall rock with water flowing over it, I begin to ponder upon the entry way behind the falling water.  I can’t help but imagine where it leads to?  I study the currents in the water to make sure I don’t slip and fall on the slippery surfaces of the rocks.  I peer into the entrance as if I could see something on the other side.  I couldn’t tell if it was my mind playing tricks on me or if I was actually seeing something.  I see an unknown light far into the dark tunnel.  My mind is set for adventure and I won’t let anything get in my way.  I try to take a punctilious step forward but I fail miserably. My clumsiness guides me to fall into a deep dangerous hole.  Falling far and long, as I hit the ground, like any ordinary person, the first thought in my head is "Where am I?"  I glance around and there it is.  The light I saw before falling into this deep ditch.  I stand up and got an unbearable whirling feeling in my head.  I put my arm out to catch myself.  Hand against the cold wall of the cave, I regain my sight and the dizziness disappears within seconds.  I follow the light because it seems that there’s no where else to go.  The light is coming from a very shiny flat surface.  As I go to touch it, my hand goes right through.  My mind is curious to know what could possibly be on the other side.  I pull my hand back through and it comes out wet.  There’s water on the other side of this bubble type surface.  I ask myself, "Will I be able to breathe on the other side if I decide to go through?"  So I think that if I peak my head through just to see how far the water seems to go, maybe I can go through and find air above it.  I take a deep breath, I plunge into the surface and I smoothly go through.  The water is only a few inches deep.  I look around and I see a road.  I seem to be coming up out of a puddle in the middle of the pavement.  When I climb the rest of the way through, I notice that I am drenched head to toe with water.  What would you do if you saw a girl climbing out of a puddle that’s only a few inches deep?  I know.  Science doesn’t explain this one.  In this anonymous town, I tend to wonder about the people here.  Searching desperately for a familiar face, without a doubt in my mind, I look across the street to lay my eyes on a coffee shop.  It sticks out from every other building even though it’s very tiny.  The brick that it’s made out of is new and bright.  Compared to the rest of the town, it looks to be the newest shop around.  I make my way over and my nose is enjoying the pleasant smells arousing in the air.  The closer I get the stronger the smells become.  I open the door and the little bell on the handle lets everyone in the room know that I am entering.  Looking up at the menu behind the counter, I analyze the different choices.  I try to decide what to choose but there are so many things to choose from.  Before I even go to order, I have to make sure I have something to pay with.  I put my hand into my front pocket and pull out a soggy crinkled five dollar bill that I never even knew was there.  Luck?  I approach the cashier and he asks me what I would like to order.  I look at him and say, "The best thing you got."  He gives me an awkward stare which tells me that he’s thinking about what to make for me.  He smiles.  Then he takes the money out of my hand, turns around and starts working on my order.  After he finishes, he hands me my drink that smells absolutely divine and I head toward a booth over near the window.  I decide to make myself as comfortable as possible in the red shiny booth.  Wet jeans aren’t too easy to get comfortable in though, but I’ll deal with it.  I put the cup close to my lips as if I’m going to take a sip, but as I look up my mind stops.  Everything pauses as my mind forces itself to think.  A familiar face?  Do I know this person whom is sitting two booths across from me?  It sure seems like I know her from somewhere but I don't recall any retained mental impressions of her at all.  I notice that she’s alone.  As our eyes meet, my heart tends to beat louder with every thought that flows gently through my mind.  I pull the cup away from my lips because it is too hot to drink anyways and I make my way over to her table.  I ask her if it would be okay for me to join her.  She nods her head up and down.  As I go to sit down, I stumble upon my own two feet and spill my drink all over myself.  With my nerves all in knots, I look over at her and she’s sitting there giggling to herself.  She gives me a look and her eyes tell me to relax.  While I’m cleaning up my mess, she asks, "Why are you all wet?"  I know I should be honest, so I tell her exactly what happened regardless if she chooses to believe me or not.  I stand up and as I tell the dramatic part of the story, I swing my arms back and I hit a person walking past me with a tray full of food.  Of course, everything goes everywhere all over the floor.  All my mistakes are leading me nowhere.  She takes my hand and sits me down across from her.  She whispers, “Forget about everything that just happened.”   With everything going wrong, I have many doubts in my head that are telling me that this girl is not liking it one bit.  My doubts are getting stronger as I keep knocking things over.  I’m about to give up but she quickly rushes through my thoughts, pushes through my doubt, and grabs me by the front of my shirt.  Pulling me towards herself, I feel her soft lips touch mine.  I feel like I’m floating on clouds.  All my thoughts change in an instant.  Every doubt that accumulated in my head has now vanished.  After we let away from each other, I try to hold her as tight and as close as possible without letting go.  Except there’s commotion that’s interfering with my thoughts.  I don’t ever want to let go but when I open my eyes, I am sitting on the cold ground of a dark room where I started hugging nothing but air.  How could a person go from feeling like they're on top of the world breathing the best air, to feeling like there’s not even enough oxygen to inhale to fill one of my lungs?  I guess I must have traveled too high of an altitude?  The thought of her brings clashing emotions to my heart.  I feel completely lost and incredibly lonely, because she isn't here.  Yet I have the capability to remember her soft gently touch and I can actually feel her here with me which makes me feel not as lonely.  I remember her hug and I can visualize her warm smile.  But what really keeps me going are those eyes I remember so well.  Green diamonds in the morning, blue pools by night.  When I asked the cashier for the best thing you have, he really did give me the best thing.
L Smida Nov 2012
Every time I hear a song by them
I catch myself...
I stop everything I'm doing
Listen to reassure myself
"Yep that's them"
Instantly my chest sinks
I turn to stone
But my heart aches
The words paralyze me
And I can't breathe
And their songs play everywhere
It's like this world WON'T let me forget you
It's crazy how you still have this impact on me
And you have no idea!
How I feel
L Smida Jan 2013
My body shudders from pain within
It aches with a terrible longing for her single minded attention
I desperately need a sign to show me what direction to proceed
Awakened is my heart from an enduring slumber
Every peek craves an enormous quantity of binding passion
It deeply begs my head to put forth so much more effort
But the chemical balance teeters unevenly to adequately persuade a definite decision
Quickly forcing such strong emotions upon her without completely figuring the facts
Would certainly be a huge mistake that could end all chances forever
Corresponding steps is what process my head finds fit
But patience pounds on my bones with an eager so full of hope that it bulges
It dangerously insists on bursting to create a mocking display of dependency
And as this war amid strikingly nudges points that accompany each side's view
The very outcome for each debate is the same
With equivalent factors on the scale a pandemonium of inconsequential arguments collide into tidal waves
That crash onto the surface and expire before any effect takes place
Because all at once the realization of the absurdity hits like bricks
Finally a conclusion is contrived
No matter the path that is taken
This war isn't between the confined parts that lie within my bones
It's dispersed all throughout my surroundings
And contrary to reason there are no possible ways to win
L Smida Nov 2012
I'm not really crazy
when I say I'm crazy
It's when my laugh joins my smile
And my mind forms my style
My sanity thinks its saner
And there's no thought of anger
Is when I'm bound to obliterate
Happily lost, can not locate
Any trace of crazy
Is when I'm really crazy
L Smida Jan 2012
I am crazy enough to want to be with you.
The craving is cruelly immense.
I am crazy enough to love only you.
The feeling is truly intense.

I am crazy enough to perfectly see you.
The flaws are secluded.
I am crazy enough to not see the lie of you.
The pain you cause is excluded.

I am crazy enough that no pain hurts me deeply.
The wound is convinced to never be shown.
I am crazy enough to forgive you for whatever reason.
The issue is decided all on her own.

I am crazy enough to trust your every word.
The persuasive tone defeats all doubt.
I am crazy enough to think you don’t do it on purpose.
The subliminal actions are pointed out.

I am crazy enough to say they're not real.
The truth is something I refuse to believe.
I am crazy enough to not care about myself.
The heart continues to be worn on my sleeve.

I am crazy enough to do anything.
The one you once loved will always be here.
I am crazy enough to admit that person is me.
The instant you call, I'll immediately appear.

I am crazy enough to drop everything to get to you.
The things I’d do are unthinkable.
I am crazy enough to save you from any danger
The effort inside of me is unsinkable.

I am crazy enough to let you use me.
The hope helps me think otherwise.
I am crazy enough to give you everything I have.
The hurt, I know, will oversize.

I am crazy enough to not care what happens to me.
As long as you are happy.
I am crazy for you and the joy you bring.
I hope this doesn’t sound too sappy.

I am crazy enough to keep on trying.
The damage can be somewhat repaired.
I am crazy enough to risk failure.
At least I showed you that I cared.

I am crazy enough to walk in the pouring rain.
The coldness of the weather won't stop me.
I am crazy enough to think I'm invincible.
The pieces that are left wish to agree.

I am crazy enough to prove to you how strongly I feel.
The energy inside is a fresh supply.
I am crazy enough to face the deepest darkness.
I can save you in a blink of an eye.

I am crazy enough to put myself out there to protect you.
The shield of my body won't let anything through.
I am crazy enough to wash away all your fear.
The touch of our fingers is the cue.

I am crazy enough to want to be crazy forever.
The comfort of your company is top of the line.
I am crazy enough to be crazy for you.
The way I am, is the master's design.
L Smida Nov 2012
Pacing the room
Talking to myself
Cursing under my breath

My written words turn me into a monster
Someone who I'm not
I'm someone else when I write
I'm still that person you used to love

That's the difference between
1. Thought
2. Action

(Is it a sin to think awful things or only when you act on those thoughts?)

I would never voice these thoughts I have
Have I ever?
The simple answer is

As long as I've been writing
I never say these things out loud
Because I know they're wrong
But keeping it all inside
To build up and boil over
I can't do that anymore
It's lead me to bad places

I write my thought out instead of self harming myself
The scars I have only remind me of the past
Writing it down leaves no scars
I write it out and it's no longer thought about
Out and over with
It's a healthy way to release emotions
Bleeding out emotions felt better
I wish I could still be doing that

But I can't do that to my family anymore
2 years of hiding it
Wearing pants in 90 degree weather
I gave up swimming at the lake
People became suspicious

I lost it one day
Balling my eyes clean out of my head
My mom actually asked me what was wrong
I choked
I couldn't spit it out
I finally showed her
Confessed that I'm ******
And that I don't want to be ****** up anymore

Shove pills down my throat
That'll make it all better

Saying things out loud makes them real
Hence the reason I keep all my crazy thoughts to myself
They're not real
They're just floating around in my head
Waiting to be put on paper

I'm an ******* for feeling this way
Not because I treated you a certain way
I always treated you the best I possibly could when we were together
If you say other wise
Then you're lying
You and you're people are artsy
It's a wonder why you don't understand

You've mistaken me as this person you just met
You forgot about the person you actually knew and loved
You threw that person away
And now you look at me like I'm some bad person
All because of these words I write

I'm a good person
I promise
Dissociative Identity Disorder
L Smida Aug 2013
I'm no help to you
I'm only a distraction
From reality
L Smida Jan 2013
Her sneaky way of stretching your ear
And silently one stepping herself inside your head
Completely unaware of the puzzle she's building like castle walls around your brain
No matter the combination to your safe of hidden secrets
There she is
Surrounding you like a thousand knights to one thief in the dark eerie woods
Prying even more secretively behind the red scene
Twisting the rope of war right out from under your feet
Because your hands are already tied
No matter how determined you are
About keeping your hot hair balloon afloat
She'll squeeze you like a lemon to get your acidic confession
Her blood hound senses will sniff 'em out no matter what
And then lick up the floor to judge your statements
No chance of over looking the oder of guilt gushing outta your pores
Or the bashful heat boiling through your veins
And the shameful twitch starting in your left eye
But of course
Your attempt to stuff those emotions inside the false confidence of your jeans
Is only a clean wiped window for her to look through
She'll ease herself on you at this point
Knowing the mouse in the trap has nowhere to scurry
Her approach will stare deep into your soul
Very painfully silent
After a crucially long moment
The silence shatters with her first question of interrogation
And the weight of your balloon comes crashing down to the crumbly ground
Feeling broken and hopeless in the rubble
Laying limp in the muck like a wet noodle that has escaped the spaghetti plate
Drained of emotions
And exhausted by shock
The final announcement says the war is over
And the opponent has won
My attempt at a visual poem. My goal is for you to get plenty of crazy images in your head as you go
L Smida May 2013
Okay, ignore me
But don't expect anything
From me when you ask
L Smida Feb 2013
Ask me why I don't like to drive
I will give you the easiest of all answers
It's because I have to put full trust in complete strangers that get behind the wheel of vehicles that have the ability to **** people if not used correctly
Half of the people are selfish idiots who don't give a flying ****
And I don't even like trusting people to begin with
Even people that I know very well
People that do give a ****

I have to trust that you'll stop at that big red stop sign as I'm cautiously pulling through the intersection
I have to trust that that red light there is going to retain your hurried monstrous being from crossing my path
I have to trust that all you rowdy strangers are actually driving with the correct licenses
If one at all
I hold my breath driving through town hoping that no one will floor it out of a parking lot to cut me off
Even when there are absolutely no other cars around
Making me slam on my brakes is easier for you than to wait for two seconds to let me pass
That'd be inevitable
It's like no one even sees me on the road
I'm as invisible as a ghost
Either that or the judgement is way off
Any slight amount of doubt whether you'll make it or not
Should be handled by waiting
Because that doubt about not making it could turn into a full certainty when you're smashed into someone else

But it happens all the time without fail
I cannot drive through town without getting ******* at someone's stupidity
People hate waiting
Even if its only for two seconds
And I don't get it
Where do you possibly have to be that's so **** important
Everyone is constantly in a hurry all the time
FYI, driving slow and taking your time saves so much gasoline it's not even funny
If you wanna stop complaining about burning through gas,
Just drive slower
It won't **** you
It actually might save you
(Ex: it use to take me a quarter tank of gas to get to school and back when driving 70-80 MPH. I was following the speed of traffic. Now I drive the speed limit which is 55. My gas needle does not move!)

Driving under the influence?
Only god knows
Don't get me wrong
Some drugs are awesome
But not while driving
Putting other people's lives at risk by driving with a foggy head?
(Babies, children, families)
Not cool whatsoever
Do you care at all
Obviously not if you're doing so
Who cares if you **** someone
Everyone does it
It happens all the time
I have to trust that you wild human beings are watching the roads and being alert
But I already know that you are not concerned in the least bit to watch where you're going
Heaven for bid you put down that phone for more than three minutes

I don't like having this paranoia chewing on my gut every time I need to go somewhere
I have my headlights on 95% of the time
So people can easily see me coming
What do I see when I drive?
No one because people don't drive with their headlights on during a ******* blizzard or heavy rain
Hell! People don't drive with their headlights on in the ****** dark
Let alone a little rain
Someone ran me off the road once because they weren't paying attention and they totaled my beautiful ******* car
In plain day light
Basically T-***** me right into a ditch
Because he couldn't take one tiny second out of his very important life to stop at a ****** ******* stop sign?!?
And by conserving that second he slowed us both down by painfully whole hours
He ruined my whole month
Ruined my whole driving career
Because I carry around this paranoia chained to my leg that weighs about as much as a boulder
Giving me all these hellish problems that could've easily been avoided
You can see why I hate driving with a burning passion
No one follows the rules
I hate watching out for morons when it shouldn't need to be done

This is what bothers the **** out of me
They are giving licenses to ANYONE now a days
The ******* driving test is suppose to be a hard ******* test
They need to make it harder in my opinion
If its one thing that I wish people would do
Is follow the traffic laws
If everyone did that
We wouldn't need insurance
We wouldn't have problems
We wouldn't have to cuss at each other and get enraged
Road rage wouldn't exist
I wouldn't have to drive and get a heart attack every time someone swerves in front of me
I don't like having random obstacles like that

I drive the speed limit
Because if someone hits me
I won't get blamed
You don't like how I drive?
You can't complain because I follow all the rules
You can't say a **** word about it
I like being relaxed when I drive
I leave myself enough time to get to my planned destination
I don't like to rush around because that's the number one thing that ***** people up
You hurry and your mind forgets every little ****
If you're late and you're stuck behind me going 40 in a 35
Sorry Bub but I ain't gonna go any faster for you
I do not want to get into an accident and have to deal with all that **** again
Or get pulled over and have the little money I have get ****** outta my pockets
Not gonna happen
Get into an accident and see how you like it
Get pulled over and waste money
Go head
Be my guest
Afterwards, I bet you'll give the road 50% more of your undivided attention
Bad mood rant.... :/
L Smida May 2013
I think I hate you
Because you're always lying
And I can't keep up
L Smida Dec 2012
It's so crazy how I crave the littlest things
Because they mean so much to me
Right now I could go for someone's quiet company
I just want to sit on the swing on the back deck
And swing with my eyes closed
If you let me
I'll hold your hand
Just to know that someone is still with me
I want to be quiet and just listen
Listen to the bugs
Listen to the squeak of the swing
Listen you our breathing
Listen to your heart beat
You can put your head on my should if you want
Make yourself at home
It's so crazy how I crave the littlest things
Because they mean so much to me
L Smida Apr 2013
Violently flowing through rapids of guilt and sadness
Drowning in a high abundance of lies
Choking on a thought to permanently throw everything away
To give up the fight and drift down stream to a completely new life
Pick up a new face and call it my own
Then a tug of war breaks out in my brain
Every heart wrenching, fake ***, lying ***** pulls at the opposing side
Hold on or let go?
These people are the past
They've made me who I am
And to tell you the truth
I wouldn't hold on for these people if my life depended on it
I'd rather drop over dead than go on living with these people
Look what they've done to me
Suppressed memories that I can't even grasp
A childhood that's vanished because its been so deeply packed away
A confidence that's nonexistent
A heart that's grown cold
An ego that lies and lies and lies
An identity that's buried so far under
I can't keep fighting this battle that's eating my life away
Charging this energy for the right moment
To drop all ties
Pick up and vanish
Fake my own death
And start somewhere else
Do it right
Fight the right battles
Hold on to those souls that are true and honest
And turn the cheek when the users come and try to bleed you dry
Realize that there's options
And not to settle for anything less than what's wanted
If you don't want it
Then don't have it
L Smida Jan 2012
Drip. Drop. It’s raining, but not outside. This rain is not clear. It’s cold to feel but warm to touch. The feeling is lower. The feeling of rain drippin, running, leaking. The monster spoke with me, talked with me, ordered me around today, as it does every day. He's very persuasive. I didn't let him see my fear. I don't believe I was scared. No fear to even be seen. He got the best of me though. He can talk me into a lot of things. He tends to lose his anger with me a lot of the time too and the fire ignites in his eyes, the glare on his face shines bright against the light. He lets go of control and bites me, sinks its sharpness deep into my skin, my leg, my vein, my blood. Now this is the feeling of the rain dripping, running, leaking. The rain drips freely down my leg and into my sock. It's cold running down, but when I wipe it away with my hand, it's warm. I hide under the covers to escape all light. The monster likes the dark. It feels as if its sharp teeth are still sinking, gnawing, digging deeper, but when I look down, he's not there. He leaves me with that feeling. The feeling lasts for a long time, keeping me awake. Maybe because the rain never stops, and the scary thing is, the monster and I are very good friends. I like him. Why shouldn't I? He makes me feel better, stronger, more alive. Good enough to keep me motivated. I can tell him anything and he'll listen. He loves the taste of my emotions. I miss him when he's not around. I crave his touch, his bite, his presence.
L Smida Nov 2012
Just about everything I do
I do without permission
It pretty much turned into
A habit like condition

I guess you can say
That I have a big ambition
I'm eager to surprise
And accomplish my mission

Making people feel special
Is my own competition
And when it works out
It creates a huge suspicion

In or out
Name my condition
I need the ticket
For your admission

I want to be apart
Of your audition
Lets see what we can do
You're the magician

With hands so kind
Such smooth transition
Please show me to
Your favorite position

Can you handle a joke
Before intermission
I'm really only looking
For the cuddling edition

Hold me tight
With the right repetition
I want to ask you
To be my addition
L Smida Nov 2012
Everything I thought I knew
Was simply just a lie
My first lesbian girlfriend
Took off with a guy
My heart fell for another
But she only made me cry
A perfect whole year
Until we finally said goodbye
An angel came to my rescue
She made me feel like I could fly
She told me she loved me
But she never came by
She didn't wanna see me anymore
With the cops I had to comply
No reason, just a clean break
Our river of love ran bone dry
My best friend from years past
Makes up stories about getting high
I'm not impressed I say to myself
Nor is anyone else I can imply
I asked my mom about her new friend
And there was nothing to deny
But just a friend she kept on saying
I saw the lie in her eye
My dad left long ago
Not sure why he didn't stand by
He said he couldn't take it anymore
And I asked the simple question why
He still loves her I can see
He didn't prove anything with his sigh
But apart they will always stay
No one for me to rely
The tightly wound strings
Will shortly untie
And then what, I worry
My love is on short supply
It's been wasted on trusting
The ones that underly
No one can be trusted
Not even the good guy
L Smida Sep 2012
These tears fresh and hot
Burn like sin in my eyes
The fault is all mine to claim
For inconsiderate tongues exposed
Loss is ever in my favor
Hurt like a ******* kid
Undo words that were already said
Forgetting is undoubtedly denied 
Holding onto hurtful words
Unable to let a beauty go
Confused and flustered is the setting
Something civil nags my heart
Begging hangs on my lips
But orders aren't my place
Wanted or not
Wishing honesty would visit us
Long enough to set me straight
Obligated to erase this mess
Wipe it clean off the mind
Though, Too easy to let happen
Arguments remain in session
Overreaction much
But fault falls into my hands
The only way to cross the finish
Accept all problems your own
Convincing her incorrect correct
Task accomplished 
How to be felt?
Better but forever broken
L Smida Nov 2012
I find myself going
To the place you might be
Putting myself out there
So you might see

But I know you're not looking
Not even a glance
You have a partner
I don't stand a chance

I don't know why I'm here
Seeking hope is my best guess
I just want something from you
With that will come success

Why do I think that?
Our time is done
You've moved on
And I'm no longer the one

What would I even say
If we came face to face
I act like I'm prepared
But I feel I can't embrace

All that I've rehearsed
Would be scared away
The instant your eyes met mine
Instinct would make way

I guess all I want
Is to know how you feel
No more lies
Can you be real?

Tell me that you miss me
Or that you hate my guts
Hoping you say you love me
That would be nuts

That's all I want
A simple confession
Would you take me back
Or would you increase my depression

Sometimes I wish
That I could read minds
Knowing what people think
Would reveal all kinds

If only I knew
I'd be able to react
With the right words
I could be exact

But I'll never know
What you all think
Because when have
I ever been in sync

I'm the outcast
That stands alone
I guess it could be
That my smiles never shown

Teach me how to smile
And maybe you can find
The quiet person
You all left behind
L Smida May 2012
What am I?
Invisible to you?
Your backs turned
But I know you saw me.
Hoping for me to approach you
But I wont
You foolish foolish *****
I was the fool for too long
L Smida Jan 2016
I'm wasting my time
She is never coming back
She can not come back
L Smida Oct 2012
Sitting still as stone
Darkness crowds around
Eyes set in a stare
Upon the glowing screen
But these eyes aren't watching or paying any attention
These eyes are far away
This mind is no where here
It's lost in the past
Wishing those days were now
No explanation of why it isn't anymore
Never did I think it was gonna be a past
I truly expected us to be one forever
I blame the distance
The time spent apart
It just isn't good for the heart that way
Feelings fade
I need to be with you to feel
Without you I'm numb
You need to refresh my memory
I can't be without you
I thought I could
At first it was hard
Then it became unbearable
Then.... A confusing state
Like.. Why aren't we talking
Then a feeling of nothing
Like it'll be okay
Give it time
But then it just feels wrong
I feel lost
Given up on
Not worth fighting for
Or acknowledgeable
Wishing for an explanation
But I kno what you'll say
But I tell myself I shouldn't assume
Ill be honest and say I'm scared
Because I think I've lost you
And I really don't wanna accept that
If it would be a true fact
Idk what you're thinking
Or who you're talking to
But I feel like I'm not on your mind
And I feel like you don't wanna talk to me
So I guess this is just how it's gonna be and I'm not sure why
Yes it hurts
Having an explanation would probably hurt worse
Cause it's probably all my fault like always...
L Smida Mar 2013
I **** **** up
It's what I do
My heads on sideways
What's it to you?!

Your feelings got hurt?
***** to be you
******* *****
***** you too
I get angry sometimes
No relevance
L Smida Nov 2012
We can hold hands
And not get serious
We can make plans
And not get delirious
We can kiss each others faces
And shimmy out of our laces
While my heart races
When you touch those places
And it's all just fun
So we call each other ***
There's no strings attached
Just my heart to be patched
And it's you I adore
Because we both want more
But we'll just cuddle on the floor
No energy anymore
I just want to play
I like the cute things you say
There's nothing to stress
I can't possibly make a mess
For that's what I fear
Hurting you my dear
Getting serious scares me so
******* up makes you my foe
I have to let you know
That I really don't want you to go
Because a friend is what I need
I don't mean to mislead
I thought we agreed
We'd aim to succeed
L Smida May 2013
Drifting slowly
Dreaming silently
Dark and empty
Nuzzled in nothingness
Only to be violently pulled back by a feeling so real
My eyes snap open
Panic skips my heart
All at once
Flying through time
I feel my scars
Oozing hot and painful
Trickling and tickling
Down my calf
Into my shoe
Choking on the lump of fear
In my throat
Reaching trembling fingers
To feel
Revealing a clean hand
Dry bumps
Scar tissues
From years ago
But they are still alive
And they speak to me
In memories that linger
Live nightmares
Ghost blood
And even though
My fingers can't see
My mind can feel
A clean hand
Reveals no blood
But still
The sensation stays
Hot invisible streaks
Whisper on my skin
My eyes deceive me
How can I feel
What I cannot see
Eye lids close
Head falls back
Listening to the ghosts
Because they are real
More real than most things
They remind me of things
Failed attempts
So I give in
And let the invasion
Sink in
Taken away
Traveling through chaotic time
Light headed
Images of disaster
It's dark in here
In my head
I'm lost
In my head
I'm trapped
In my head
Please unhand me
I've seen enough
I've been through enough
Let me move on
I wish not to be reminded
I like my blood inside my body
Get out of my head
Quit snaking through my veins
I'm over that
I'm done with it
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Leave me alone
Will I ever escape
L Smida Apr 2013
That feeling is back
And it's making me sick
Too aggressive this time
It's eating away at my brain
Blasting music in my ears won't **** the pain this time
I have this urge to stomp the pedal to the floor and ride 120
The crave to go fast and eat adrenaline
Spoon feed that energy into the blood stream
Only to fly faster
And Faster
AnD FaStEr
Bubbling up to make my skin eerily crawl off my bones
And dance before me across the room
Shaking hands with your own flesh is a fulfillment
A ******* perfect success
A masterpiece by a mastermind
But honestly
The real feeling that's on my mind is the CrAsH,.-!-.,
Going so fast and then hitting a concrete wall
That sudden STOP of your heart beating
Pushing your chest to reach 32nd notes
And then close line to drop dead
That ******* explosion
Then silence
Dead ******* silence
Lying there
In the grass
With the cold blades licking your ears
S   p  i nn i  n g
I wrote this poem and then it got deleted and i tried to rewrite it from memory...
L Smida Dec 2012
I can feel my heart grow warm
Your words to me shouldn't do this
A simple "goodnight" shouldn't make my heart smile
The ease of this relaxes me
And it's a huge relief
L Smida Nov 2012
I know you don't think about me
And if you do..
It's nothing good
But I just want to say
That I think about you
A lot..
And it's all good stuff
This goes out to those few people that I left behind. But now I'm the one behind... Very very behind. And I feel very sorry about a lot of things
L Smida Dec 2012
Stick to your guns
If you don't
You're ******
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