...I sat on wet wipes
And now I look
Like I peed myself

Take it easy
Enjoy
The senses
Have hope
For people
Believe

One of those days
When agitation drives productivity
Up the wall and out through
Dark chimney
As little eye contact
As possible to continue breathing
Non stop doing not enough
While hanging somewhere in the air
With feet not grounded on the soil
That holds my truth
Was there ever a piece of land that did?
Gulping for a sense of belonging
Just like i did since long before anything
Started happening
So far away from the start
Yet held by the same forces
My best frenemies
That uncover
The illusion of being
When it does not come
From within
Pushing away the
Aliveness to be properly
Placed in the net of sameness
Normality of boredom
Oh how I hate it

Silence
Breath purified by rain
Stringing myself back into
This plane
Away from the illusion
Inside this painful
Overactive mind
Sometimes it feels
That there's nothing left to say
And so I breathe

Poison dripping off my chin
Little did I know when the words
Slipped off my lips
Little did I mean or maybe I did
In the darkness of unintentionality
My thoughts flow mixed with feelings
Unexpressed
The anger swallowed by compassion
Is a slow poison
And it overflows

New day
I go with the flow
Of what feels Right
I cling to that truth
Which is bigger than my
Self

Love me on my good days
When I try and believe
That the past is gone and cold be forgotten
Finally all is new and history is to be erased
And after the bad days pass
Break the mirror in your mind
Only capture the sweet strong and wise
Help me escape reality
Help me to stay in my hiding spot
Where I needn't see myself
Needn't saw together the pieces that flew
So far apart I can't imagine them
Back together
Better off treat me as...
Harry Potter?
You're still here
So for goodness sake
Don't have feelings
Be a useful object

Egg shell fragile this presence
Dance around what I don't wish to guess
Shallow confounds of normality
All things placed where they belong
Where everyone expects to reach and grab
Exactly what was expected
A man on the moon questioned
Swinging his feet kicking the stars
Why?
The terrifying flood of uncertainty and
Get the guy off our sky
We find his manners unsettling
Poor thing fell off only to forget
Into a child form degenerative oblivion
Slowly drowning in the swamp of
What they consider reality
How absurd this life can be
All these years of traveling
Only to prove the starting point
I crave another galaxy I can call home

In days like these speech flows like air bubbles
Of a silent fish that rests on marble countertop
Awayting certainty that comes with end
Not forest of unanswerable perspectives
That cut deeper than veins with judgement

And just like that all history becomes
Newspaper never published but
Its absence more tangible than real
Crumpled folds of fear held the
Sullen guts and useless bladder

Alone in cosmic vastness making circles
Around the sun not chosen
Attracted to the core unfelt
Gazing at the stars terrifying with the
Insignificance of recurrent aliveness
As they kiss each other
Every now and then

And movement was soaked in pointlessness
Chocking on inspiration escaping with
Perspiration and regrets of not being born
As a flying thing that poked its face
Under the surface and always escaped
The mandane shallowness of the salty realm

Last few gulps of insignificance that she never traded
For a set of scales that went with a shade of water
Or ones that fellows followed with a heart-shaped like
The feeling that falters all with a tickling
Of ungodlike triviality but a constant pull
Of destiny and she thought of start
And life that flew through birth and open wounds
'Twas love that made the difference
In the end it was love that made
All the difference
Love given true as a breath from within
Love that melted boundaries tenderly from without

There is love the basis of all
That is alive and joyful
There is passion, an unexpected
Combustion of magnetic fields
Deceivingly undeniable
Or the pure one
On the hammock last starry night
That started with a wholehearted hug
No diamond ring necessary
To prove that this one was
Meant to be

And then there is responsibility
When knowing makes lack of action
Impossible
Sometimes comes dressed as
A concerning and urgent
Question mark
The feeling comes and goes
There are plans and rules
That only an idiot
Writes in ink
But responsibility
Stays constant
It simply stays
Whether hope
Plays her part
Or chooses to depart

Or do we play the same ****** game
And pull the strings

One more day of
What else is there to say
Relationship that keeps on
Taking and throwing words
At you in return

Some things are here to stay
And when you know they need you
That is when you're bound to them forever
Through busy days and hustling cities
The meaning of it all
Universal
Ultimate
True

I wish to take humanity
By the bottom of their
Pupils
And channel
Light



Then go to movies with my kids

Dawning dullness covers eyelids
Vailed feeling shrinking numbness
Sitting quiet watching shadows
Like a dream it's slipping dripping
Life between my fingers sinking
Into dirt transforming slowly
Thickly painting feelings heavy
Yet...

Final song is still to catch
Distill from the air that
Nurtured lifeless cells
Oh no, wasn't born to waste

No real gesture emerges
For the sea of falseness,
I need some truth
To keep on going
My hands too busy
Keeping my head above
This muddy water

Merry Christmas
Have a drink
To giving without receiving
For nothing feels better
Than sharing your humanity

Sometimes it takes knocking down the tower
And clearing the rubble
Before the future could be built on its place
And the hardship it takes to see the misgivings
Taken as a second name - that is the definition
Of love not the sweet compliment to fill up
The empty space
Not the million empty likes to **** the day

does the air smell fresh at the root
of all histories where rhythm and heart beat
still merged as a pulse from the core
of the earth and the sun is closer
to the heart of all things
life giving and dangerous
warm and eternal in the face
of a fly with a universe inside
does your heart sing when the foot
kisses the dirt that nourished your tree
do you swirl with the drumroll and
discover your right to be free?

The flying feeling of crashing into bits
It's bitter sweet
It's strange
Not to explain
I see it
In the spectrum
Between the light
Of truth at the bottom of my heart
And the deepest dark
Of the sickening sorrow
Instilling life beyond
Reason
And the clouds
Are so ******* beautiful

Tantruming kid is destroying
Against her own hopes
Powerless to keep playmates
All she ever knew was to
Submit or dominate
Never to be mindful
Or show respect to another
So very futile

Enveloped in your smell
Wrapped in your warmth
Your body so close
It could have been mine
Your food tasted like home
Unraveled by what you never knew
I was
You couldn't see beyond yourself
Your fears your limitations
Your comfort zone
Afraid to face the galaxies of sorrow
In my eyes
I shut them down
Protecting your peace
Only to feel your hand
Holding mine
Always smaller than I could have been
To make myself understood

Purely clear purely fresh purely innocent
Pure ignorance of a child
Or beastly wish to fill oneself with love
If pure love feels so innately undeserved
Purely seduced into the world of shadows
For the pure desire to be cared for
To the brim throught the roof
And into the pitch dark smog
Surrounded by pure darkness
Breathing it pure, undiluted
Except maybe...
Purity of intentions
Every day is a new attempt
No sign to carry no license
Not a real quality
Illusion of an absolute
Absolute illusion

drawn inside the mysterious wind
never friendship but string that keeps pulling
cage is empty the bird stopped to sing
small dull uninspired feeling enduring
disconnection that kills most painfully
only presence fills in the cracks
so I sip from the cup of confusion
drawing truth from the chilling abyss
gathering scattered beads of your thoughts
into a warm pouch of my mind
hoping to string them all back together
one day
but ****, those slippery things

Freedom you ask for
The glimpse of open sky
And free pass to sing the song
As it comes in rusty swirls
And rainbow sprinkles
Would you hear mine
Just the same
And realize
Not every word is a gun
Aimed at you as an object?

Insides where I reside has me blossoming in fear, rosy cheeks for I am meek and hard to hear. ****** scars are not far from where my heart lies, in a dark hole with no soul is where my world dies.

I die a thousand deaths i willingly abide to that which nourished not, something to hide like mothers milk that fed the beast... kept in the dark until the darkness was absorbed... sun loved shade into tar, black as black can be illusion of the darkness turned into void... raise the flag against the pale that stole my all. Turn it inside out, let's see our likeness. How beautifully it hurts, makes me remember the comfort of that perfect ache... I loved my Mr. Pain, godlike he is for the survival sake. Kissing the lack of choice in the scruffy cheek pretending you saw a caring twinkle in his eye. It was closed, but who cares - imagine the world into oblivion. So what am I? A thousand shards that stab you in the eye. Anger and vengeance, wrongly delivered. Hostile confusion, fear of life, fear of annihilation. Devastatingly lost child who swallowed the why.

He tried to hide his face
In flower blossoms and
Hopeful chants
Fell into the bottomless
Sorrow of a poppy
Hopeless he stood in front of me
I held his face and said:
Look at the profound devastating beauty
Of all that is around you
The love it takes for the world
To procreate and thrive
That is the ultimate meaning
Achieve it in this moment
There is no tomorrow

Inescapable loop
Of jealousy for the gift
That I didn’t choose to
Possess a heavy heavy load
No one but me can carry
The cause of my persecution
But every tiny human
Who knows cannot be
Ever greater than their shallowness
The light that is for giving
Isn’t my choice
But it is the only source
Of light that is  ME
The celestial connection
Between  all that I am and the
Ground I walk on
The glimpse into another’s eyes
To be the channel
To transmit their needs
I am but a tool
And being faithful to my destiny
Is the greatest strength
And the most terrible burden
I ever got to know

Sometimes a caring feeling
Isn't enough to hold the boat afloat
The sea has to have its current to
Keep things moving
With waves asking questions
And wails curious enough
To look inside at what the sailor gathered
With wind willing to give direction
interaction... Inter action... Action

Something about beauty
Flickers at the edge of the horizon
When the dark tunnel
Repetition of colors and lights
Is what became of the
Greatest of all gifts

Something simple
Like a drop of water
A snowflake
A fallen leaf
Smell of autumn
Like a ray of sunshine bursting through the curtains
Cool morning air
Soothing the thoughts with anticipation of
Change so long awaited

Live your life, girl
Enjoy it, sip it from the vein
Of universal energy
Tear eyes from flat abstraction
Feel it, first and most important
Then let it go
Poor it out into the
Web of creation

Let it all go
Anger has a place
Where it belongs
Do not hold on
Too tightly or life will slip
Through your clenched fingers
Release the grip then
Fly free from
Fear

At her last breath
With humility she accepted
Then the lungs expanded
One l-a-s-t time
Oh the moment that lasted forever
The Experience most felt
Between the dawn and annihilation
Was hidden the vibrant spark of life
Always wrapped in hope's quilt

Didn't think Xenophobe was
A compliment few things I despise
More, like smallness for one narcissism and shallowness for another
Always felt a little black and a little homeless
Hardly ever seen from the first glance
They think it's snobbish I call it zoned out
I like it there in my space where your
Predictable logic has no place to be
They think judgemental when
Under an honest stare
They poor out their truths
Expecting I must like Jesus give them love
And answers
How could I ever lose touch with words?
So articulate you say. I go mute but you will never know.
But all you wish to know is a stereotype
A pretty tale that puts more value
On your price tag
Nothing you knew
Nothing you will ever know
For all you see is your own
Limited empty reflection

Scribble the feeling underneath my skin
The words don't pour out of me like
Rain I live in this constipated emptiness
Swallowed my voice which knows not
Which route to take led by feeling-less
Senselessness  
Scribble them down and pain me
Into feeling like I exist
Wake me up
I have been asleep
Lost in the nightmare of
Hurtful confusion

Fear you cannot overcome
So you become fear
What an absurd paradox
Yet it is your life
Suffering immobility
Suffering cruelty
Suffering

A gentle warm pull inside my chest
When I look inside the eyes of your
Ever hopeful kin but oh how fragile
Still seeking just like I never stopped
Lucky the light at the end of the tunnel
Stubbornly refusing to be turned off
From the touch of brutal reality
An urgency to embrace you with all
There is in me to give everything
That constitutes my substance
In this very moment
And when you follow me only to
Know that I care I feel that I exist
Because yesterday or tomorrow are but ideas
It is only the NOW that truly matters
And it is the best feeling that I crave so much
To truly be present with your deep
Heartwarming
Humanity

Condemning yourself to an image you despise
Forgetting the route to the essence of you...
It’s in the taste. You are what you adore and
Every bit of beat and scent and flavor
You deeply
Enjoy

Through endless repetition
Of strange days
Engulfing this alien spirit
A breath of rain, a ray of sun
Breaking throw morning curtains,
A loving touch and
A look of openness on the face I love
So beautiful - I fight on
To feel alive

I have a hole in my thank you pocket
Thank Yous leak through or just evaporate
Leaving an empty pointless feeling
There's nothing to hold on to
But a plain cold fist
Maybe I failed them all

Something inexplicable swirling behind shatters
Of my mind thoughts mingling yet speechless
Confusing world of non existence in the midst of
Swirling universe that feels like living only because
It feels so deeply all else is complete confusion
As if covered by a blanket of non-reality as if the dream continued
Into a morning light dark and transparent
And dawning light brings no certainty
Tomorrow is up to fate and I will take it boldly as it comes
Let it run its course through the
Ever so spontaneous and tragically exposed myself
All I can know is what I sense
All else is shattered bits of meaning
Utterly intermixed everything
They call reality

T'is a speechless season
It's wind is blowing under your doubt
Catching off guard
T'is a season of I don't know whys
And marterdom fantasies
And panicky waves
And calm ice through my veins
And the fear is fought on the surface
Though underneath is still
And speechless or pressured, carriage is carrying you
Along of the road of acceptance

Through stiffness of confusion
That followed me through
These unenhabited terrains
Where human voice or touch
Are but a shadow of a long
Forgotten dream to be despised
Through search for the glimpse
Of that which is alive in this
Pit of self destruction and hateread
For all hope that unavoidably faltered
Each time it resurrected
Something hasn't changed
I am still here
Still trying to be true
And truthfully realistic

Those lovely ladies
Who lie and sweat
Like little chickens
Hungry for some
Dough
*******
Hate
I do sometimes

When reality bubbles up and
Bursts into myriads of sparkly
Particles disintegrated because
Your core cannot hold them together
By the thread of meaning
What is left of experience?
Does letting go of predictability
Inside the dome of your inner sky
Lets you fly kites
Or threatens with annihilation?
When I look into another set of eyes
I am so often afraid to see
The bottom, small bits of depth
Scattered around thin like dust and last year's
Crumbs, or desire to elevate
By the thread of illusion
Above someone at least,
Someone who would allow,
Because inside the hollow space holds scale,
A chest of fear and a guard called shame
I am afraid to see
Seeing is one thing I cannot hide
Punished by it over and over again
Naively and stubbornly, I refuse to use it
Connection hurts those who lack the chip
They demand, unaccepting
Why can't you be like us?
Follow the rules we know?
I try not to look at them,
Preserve peace of their dream
Where connection never existed
The food that sustains my spirit
I can't see them, your rules
lost instructions, lost in translation
deliberately, even in the native tongue
I wish to escape this world
To find the truth that sticks
Yet love holds me close to earth
It expands and multiplies
Grows as it gives,
I wish to offer everything there is
Of me, and dissolve
In the chain of destinies
Craftful creation of some
Universal pattern

There was something upset in the air
Perhaps a hint of lacking responsibility
Perhaps a prideful lock on the apology
Or the cawardly pretence that a tweet into the
Faceless abyss
Could suffice as an excuse for a major
**** up
And when the lungs got used to this foggy quality
Forecast said the sun was shining all along
And the failure was everyone else's fault
But if I hold on to the chain of events
It leads me to the same dumpster I remember
Crawling out of
When the night was still fresh
Accepting it, I
Neither talk to it nor pretend it smells like roses

On the night when
A thousand lions waived into the velvet
Of a cold winter sky
Seized their roar succumbing
To the call of ever hungry
Thanatos the ruler of all
I saw wolves pupils
That like solar eclipse
Imprinted onto the very fabric
Of my sleepless eyes
Hunted they looked
And void of meaning
Yet searching
And with a tug of some
Greater force
I fell into faith of a
Greater purpose
Something never ending I could not comprehend
And with a wordless howl it spoke
Of poisoned fields that saved him from starvation
Of mad coyotes that either bit or never saw him
Never part of the pack
Pretend nurtured in his fantasy
By barking scavengers
He turned into mythical wolf gods
At a whim simply to make the hell beautiful
So he fell under and crawled
Wormlike he condemned the self
To preserve the only world
The saddest tale that he only half believed
And a she crawled he ate only
The fallen berries and those worms
That felt all too familiar
And yet the wolf he was
And to prove he broke into a howl
Magnificent desperate powerful
Like anything he could have been
Inside the simple sound composed of
All that was left of the predators heart
And it glistened in the moonlight
Like the brightest star
He never learned to see
Within himself
And suddenly the word
Replaced the howl
As he coughed throwing up
The story he could not contain
Of darkness and death that filled his ribcage
And suddenly the howl subsided
The only anchor for the yet not lost
Piece of heart
That anchored his damaged spirit to reality
And what did my ever so loved
Sensitive self
Had to say to the true torment
How could I not feel guilty of
His loss
How could a cold embrace of my curiosity
Be worth the void of beauty
In this hopeless creature
Ever hurting
Ever eager to prove me wrong
For hope hurts more than sarcasm
That nothing of value was all there was
Of this shattered broken now voiceless heart
And what did I have to share of my own
But to expose petty sentiments
The raw sensations of self-proclaimed spectator
All my truth brought on nothing but
His contempt
What was there of value
In all this staring
Under the starless blanket
Of the cold night sky
Pointless was to continue
So I stepped away
To where it could not see
And while some things never change
Some things loose their meaning
I now listened to his howl
As it emerged
One day again into existence
Where I was not as much

I fantasize my memory
As a souvenir to feed undying hope
Thinning and fragile but
Ever present until darkness
Devours the last rays of
Sunlight and I become earth
There is no truth in the reality
Of a mind that lacks purpose
There is no logic in the reality
Of faith

One second at a time
I will continue breathing
As my purpose dissolves
Into thin air
And the possibility
Of future feels thin and fragile
The war was won
So why does
Memory of winning
Feels like a loss
Of all my essence
Why does my essence
Depend on war and suffering
Why am I not
If the war has ended

By naked nerves
This pride was to be hung
Out to dry in the sunlight
Where life began
Outside this god forsaken shell
That tv mama sung into
This eager child's willing ear
Pride was a blanket yet to be sewn
And a glass of water yet to be poured
Promise of comfort
Nourishing hopes idea
That keeps on slimming
And leaving the baby
Forever hungry forever empty
Sugar coated futility and shame
Grandiosely dressed velvety pretense
Naked I wish to be
This moment is alive
Pulsating energy
Sweeping you off you feet and driving
Each heartbeat further
Deeper with tinkling
Cocktail of discomfort and
Purpose with a dollop of euphoria
Alive I wish to be
Simply complex, primitively dark
Painfully loving and unwillingly absent
Skinless as I am in my ****** honesty
As I am as I was as I will ever be
I let go
No more hanging on fear
There isn't loosing but setting free
Giving away of hearts
They only grow bigger in the end

Alone with myself
How cleansing the silence can be
To dissolve the mass of worry
Plugging my present
To glance into the depth of me
To wipe the fear and doubt
Off my forhead I delve
Deeper, still on the right track
Still more alive inside my mind
Than foreign eye can see
I like to be alone
Window open
Smoke
Breath of fresh air
Is just enough

Fragile illusion
I hang off the cliff
Of my dream
For a solid ground
But sea is everywhere I see
And it didn't leave its storms
Up to me
And the beautify and terror of it
Separated only by
The faint line of my vitality
And it's eternal unstable
Massive permanence
Tomorrow I will crave
For direction
Today
I am but a speck
Carried by the
Waves
Feeling their briny kisses
On the surface of my
Scared skin
Unless I chose to tear my eyes
Away from the blue
And dive
Towards the darkness
Of it all

Step forward?
But what if I fail
To fail on living again
I might have less hope
Then no hope
And the darkness
Will swallow
The rest

Inside my head are myriads of thoughts
Uncomfortably shoving each other
Against the wall they are running out of breath
Me too, breathless illness of a constant urge to
Strive always further always urgent
And so are you, familiar spirit so real and
Present from the very start
Came and justified all my strengnesses as
A blessing from another world
From separation into belonging in a blink of an eye
And my talent fits right in with your
Dark dilemma
And the life dealt it’s cards and this way
Life is safer and you are my sister
And I will give you my energy
Share with you the strength that flows through me
And is never given to me when not shared
As much as needed to fill the whole
Left in you by those who taught to
Confuse food with poison.
I am patient. You are my quest and purpose
I knew that before I could decide anything
For myself it doesn’t have to make sense
It is ultimate. So I will patiently wait
And embrace you with the vision from the core of my spirit
Your gift is potent and I feel
It could be much more and
Somewhere inside me was hidden the key
Not meant for me but
To open the cell in your heart
So the sun will shine
On many