It's been a long long time
Pride and Weakness
Closer that siamese sisters
Moving down the path into nowhere
Calling each other names
To keep the distance
Afraid to inhale each other's disease
One so humane it is melting
Into a sappy puddle so sticky
And vile and yet so touching
So understandibly sincere
Calling for strength to
Take away the void of eternal
Loneliness
Crawling along with its hand
Turned to the sky
Hoping the godly arm
Will prostrate through the clouds
And carry the weight of its
Sorrowful existence

The other proud it needs
No companion no hand and no
Conversation unless it has
Something to say to keep the world
Revolving silly pride
Its bones so stiff it could
Hardly bend down to smell
The flowers Senses so dead
It could feel no drops of rain
Nor warmth of light
Little did she know
She was only a speck
Waiting to fall to the core through
The cracks of an earthquake
She was in love with death
And the promise to prove
That eternal life wasn't a fantasy
She was the goddess itself
Or so she wished
Wished so hard she did believe
As it marched along in solitude
Yet weakness was all it could think

Split pieces of a puzzle
They walked into darkness
Away from the light.
Yet if only they held their hands
And realized they were but
Mirror reflections of each other
Their essence would merge
Into art most exquisite
Soaked in light
They would become
Strength and Kindness

If only I knew
What luck it is
To get a surprise
****** exam of all
Your private information
Through and through
Plus the mic
Is hanging over me
Just like an all seeing
Who can’t stop

Wait... TWICE!!!

Gentle breeze engulfing every bit of
Sadness that was left it blew away
With the salt air and flocks of seagulls
Under the warmth of my children's palms
Loving heat the best of all things I ever created
Taking the moments one at a time and
Forever wishing to be more present
Yet feeling a tinkling of distant thought
The grey area of fatal uncertainly
Ever pulling in some ironeously
Self-destructive direction no amount of
Education could possibly eradicate
A glimps of the deadly silhouette the one
My insanity wished to befriend
She is here inexplicably near or is she not?
Was she ever not? that is a better way to place the question
Strange and creepling I know she is wishing
As maybe I am in some deep down irrational cave where
Fear decides to embody the joy of motherhood
Maternal towards that which never wished me well
By definition untrustworthy never proving me wrong
Yet in this vast sensory symphony by the sea
The attraction of my singularity to the core of all things
Is only beyond my comprehension
Yet forever existing in accord with some universal order
And I wish I saw her eyes

It will all make sense in the end
The turmoil the lack of control
The gifts bestowed and blindness to light
The need to dive into a deeper understanding
And lifetime drowning in questions
Desdain for perfection and possession by it
The words like a broken thread of beads
Now scattered out of my grip
And precision of what needs to be said
Kindness that brings tears and malice
Answered with a smile
It will all tie together in a tight knot
Into the last breath that will only be that
A breath and a memory

S1E2
Fifteen Million Merrits

Intention underneath the did
Can you feel it's pattern?
It's push reminding of betrayal
It's pull begging for existence
It's yearning to trust and begging for
Solitude - quiet, unperturbed
Maddening
With bravery to fall into abyss of the unknown
To find a piece of you in hands
Whose next move will always be a question
Connection calling faith
To dance the tango
The passionate move of dangerous feeling
Trust is dangerous
Feeling is dangerous
Life is dangerous
Death is safe
It is permanent and predictable
Joylessly
Like its little sister routine
Yet we can find snapshots of joy
In the most predictable of our days
While sharing it embrace another soul

Same life
Same wheel
Same squirrel
Rushing towards
Nochangeatall
One could think
She found her comfort zone
The cage was open
All along

Spectrum out your rainbow
Honey you aren't all bitter
Bittersweet is life they say,
I'd say sour too like a half-squeezed
Rotting lemon and yet
There is a flavor to it
And on a good day it all tastes
Like a crisp watermelon
Sweet and delightfully juicy
Mixed with some salty self-acceptance
And sheer spice of crossing the rules
Non of this fits into a word
Only those dreading are resentful
Fearful asked to simplify
Contain the world into
A plastic TV box - lets play
Pretend we saw everything there was
Like it isn't what they fed us
So we can sit in this miniscule puddle of an ocean
Disappointed that life is getting boring
Sending love notes someone else wrote
To petty universe
Dreadful changes, get away!

There is darkness and death in your eyes
What have you got buried inside
The shallow grave in your soul
The ghosts there have taken control
You really should have dug a little deeper there
Body parts are starting to appear and scare
The child inside away

Each tear that flows down your face
Trickles then picks up the pace
And turns to a river inside
A river that will not subside
I can hear that dreadful overflowing sound
And watching from afar I see a child is drowned
The child inside your heart

I can see you drifting away
Heading for the light
I can see you drifting away
Every night

Why were you always inside
On days when the weather was fine
And while we were running around
You were nowhere to be found
You know you should have taken all your dolls to bed
But you were made to play games with your soul instead
The child inside you died

Kettle that holds in the steam explodes
Kettle that controls it best is most functional
Never hold it in
Always control HOW you express it

Drop after drop after drop of days
Going by in a chain from better to worse
To better with hope
Get used to reality
Predictability
Responsibility
Try harder to keep trying
Not dying in the relaxed state
Of nothing else to gain
Vital not to loose
The light of the watchtower
That you knew was built for you to find
Only for you...
All alone in the watchtower...
Maybe some day
For today, wherever those muddy feet of mine
Will take me
I wish not to be alone
I wish to share my reality
I wish to break the bubble
That appropriate place
Of perfect composure
I wish to break into song like
A melodramatic Broadway fool
I wish to jump in the puddles
I wish go scream alive into the wind
To feel it tearing at my desperately joyous seams
I wish to be touched by another's breath
I wish to be needed and
Stretch out my hand
Give it my all to be there
For anyone else but me
Most together there could ever be
Under the same sun
Breathing the same air
Walking the same ground
Wishing to be seen

The very essence of us sprouted from
"I trust you with my life"

Unity beating in unison
Feeling seeps under the skin
The smell of comfort like milk and cookies
Behind his ear inhaling his air swallowing his taste
The look in my lovers eyes extends into his touch it's in his voice
No gates unopen I let in the flow
The wholesome oneness only deeper
Than heartfelt hug or beating of his heart
No limits all is joy and all is good
Caress of need to feel the heat
Of senses he contains
His self is part of mine in moments of
Cosmic ecstasy overflowing warmth
Powerful pull evokes no hesitation
Melting beyond my boundaries
No fantasy could ever replace
Our unity

So many doubts, sorry dear
You trigger my angry uncertainty
I want to hang your questions out to dry in sunlight.
Soaked in paranoia let it drip drip on the grass
Apologize for overlooking the masculine perspective
It's so tangled up with the rest of them I forget to remember.
The heat? To hell with it
Throw it down the cliff let it fly
Down like a human man would
The one born to contain his urges
Angry at your utilitarian role
You hope for it to stabilize your instability
Oh dear the paranoia is my sister too
I know it oh so well when drowning in my sleepless fears
I dare challenge you, come on be brave
Live on for soles you borrowed
Don't fear the heat the gift of earthly energy
Stream right into creation of a different kind
Stop throwing doubts in my direction
They're tiring, I'd much prefer
Your honest questions.

Insatiable is your hunger
Salivating you stare down into the void
What could fill this astronomical gap
Between the parts begging to fall apart?
Alone oh so alone
Not even self is there for yourself
So lost so eager so confused
So needy of a sweet lie not even you believe
You've learned to cover vulnerable with dangerous
And drowned yourself in it
Never even saw your whole reflection
From above
Before it fell apart.
Tell me oh suffering
How many times you dreamed of faith?
No wait, don't answer
You ware it on your sleeve
You stick to disillusioned
Too painful to get up
Chose dirt for name you're wishing to forget
Why it became your shelter
I see you
That was all I wanted you to know
I see you all and won't deny your downfall
I won't betray the truth
Screaming behind your pupils
I'd smile to the child you lost within
When you're ready to let go of other

Standing by the shore
Staring your eyes out to
Catch a glimpse of change
Seeking it in the
Water distorted by ripples
Swallowing the waves
Of aversion bubbling up
To the surface of your
Expression, threatening to
Tear through the screams
And tears of depair
Stifling existence of being
Hidden in plane sight  
Whatever could be different
If I stay here and wait
For the water to change my reflection?
Change ... metamorphosis
Run from desolation
Scream for unity
With the very essence of life
The core of my nature
That sings loud in the wind
And fills me with contentment
The very purpose of my
Existence was berried so deep
In the cavern of unfulfilled dreams
Will I dive into the
Unfamiliar water
Allow myself to be carried
By the current unforeseen
Shall I stare while eyes can see
Until the final darkness comes
Or maybe... just maybe
If the wind blows courage into me
I can dive into myself
Miles under the distorted reflection
And be moved by the water
Ever so slightly
As I descend
Towards the center of all things

The boy who cried wolf
No begged for one to appear
Dangerous and disgusting
With eyes that cut through the night
With teeth bloodthirsty
Rip his clothes and skin to shreads
Reminding the boy
Of everything he wished to forget
Oh dear wolf
Prove that I can be your worthy victim
Share this life with me
And swallow the punishment
At the end of my riffle
So I can be legitimately
Disappointed

I lost interest in words
I lost it suddenly when
A thousand syllables
You accidentally spilled
Felt like a midnight forest
Loud and confusing
A little dangerous
And much unintended
Yet the intension spoke
Loud and clear
When the words
Selected to be spoken
Bid a bitter farewell

What's there between the feeling
And the vast confusion it creates
Between the chest and teeth
Something stuck and bulging
Unnatural quivering of the vessels

And yet the meaning never faltered
And while I feel so small
Looking into the dark hole of
Never and ever
I still hold on to the thinnest possibility
Of seeing meaning behind those curtains

Talent is goddesses' weapon
I wasn't created a mirror to be pretty
Still much to learn but certain of this psychic
Vision
They say powerful yet
Feeing so fragile in the face of overcoming
Emotion that invades intermixed
Oh what a mess of feeing
Can't know my own from another's
When all I feel is you and me is a
Shadow on the background
Mere reflector that sees inside another
So unknown to myself
And ever lost

Yet my feet never stopped never strained
From the path on which
I knew only the direction
Of the next step
And now as never before
I am filled with faith
That what needs to happen will
Through you and me

Or do we play the same ****** game
And pull the strings

Repetition of small
Moments
To enjoy them
Is the greatest task
Leading to true contentment
Warm smell of chicken roasting
Kissing two little heads
Worth more than life itself
Television filling up the silence
Airplane noise
Smell of spring in the air
Freshly green leaves
Soft carpet under my toes
Headache reminding I'm still alive
What insignificantly
Important pieces

Grey highway swarm of thoughts in afternoon
Depart to face the questions
Of what could happen soon
How many lives per week
Would you be willing to save
With words?
There isn't an answer it's all rhetoric
Strange kind of ******
Crippled in withdrawal
So empty without a violin to tune
Your thoughts your inner self
A song that lost its chorus
Drowning my insanity
While I save you from yours

Or at least hear your story
Good enough for a double lifetime
So what else is there besides
Your negative attention seeking...

Through the blue tone
Of my deadened layers
The life leaked so simply
Disappearing into the pool of
Emptiness and rage
Into the eyes
That knew no gratitude
The bottomless fall into
Meaninglessness
And yet through the lucidity of this phantasy
Faith persisted to survive
Uncomprehancibly
Unverbalized
The sound of a dead crow
Prophesizing there is more
Than mind can comprehend
Worlds yet to be discovered
Inspirations and souls to be awakened

Shattered shattered the light
******* the gaze into an empty well
Producing sounds is all that's left
Expanding darkness absorbing
I stepped in its direction
Reminded of the void so familiar
Darkness so soothing
Like a dream of non existence
Like the sound of eternal silence
Then smile came
And it was
Alive

You say trust is paper thin
Rice paper fragility
Can not withstand the nature.
Perhaps, not a single soul knows better
How much wind yours can withhold
Not suited for a desperate grip
But would do well for a masterpiece.
I find faith at the bottom of vulnerability
Decision to live on with fears of failure
I expose vulnerability to the sun
I take off the mask and let the skinless
Breathe... freak out the type A manekens
Fallible oh so human so imperfect
Yet I take pride in being friends with truth
This road is desolate but it FEELS....
I am suspicious too, ready to catch
Another on mixing some BS into the storyline
I'd rather take on heartless than too weak to see
Immaculate pretence I find it hard not to spit on.
SO if you could share one truth
That in your mind raised no doubt
Be it the truth of a destined psychopath
Or fallen martyr
If today was the last day to live
Would you share your truth with me?

Oh dear
Look who's is back
No, no, dear how could I forget?
Neither did the corners of my lips
Its you again,
The underbelly of a stray dog
Basking in its lonesome spite
Or was it spit...
Say hi to muse when she floats by
I know she was a rare visitor
On your mission to please the average
Probably looking for your lost authenticity
But hey,
There's always room for growth
Until you're hundred

Your broken bits are sharp
I don't deny
I've seen that righteous hatred
Before
I grew amongst it too
Smelled the stench of hopeless
But hey, you chose direction
Like you did today

I'm sure it's a relief
Rubbing the gritty corner of your nasty blanket
The memory you oh so faithfully obey
Good boy you are!
That's right
Daddy knows better.

Oh poor you
Hard not to be disgusted  
Who doesn't trust cannot be trusted

Dear fear you are the air
I breathe as I tear my face off the pillow soaked
With dreams  of worry
You embrace me with all the meaninglessness
There is to the lethality of this game
Fear to hurt, to be hurt
To be too quick and not quick enough
To be disconnected and connected way too much
I drink you like a daily cup of poison
Like a morning vitamin that reminds me
Nothing is quite how it should
Not yet not enough not what it has to be
Fear of loosing the path
That was never found
And there isn't a way to know
And there isn't really a path
But what if it gets lost
Before it's ever felt
And what if it was felt
But the cup is full yet again
And what if nothing happens at all
If i dissolve into someone who
Isn't poisoned by your awakening
One step at a time you say
And I agree
And yet each morning
I wake to a cup of coffee and a pillow
Soaked with fear

Don't be lonesome sailor
Swaying on the waves under the
Dark cover of speckled eternity
It isn't the end it may never be
And if it is to come
Than now is the moment to enjoy
The last minute to savor
The breath of sea **** in the air
To absorb before darkness covers you
With calm annihilation.
And wouldn't feeling suit you
When coda comes to mind?
When rest is here to stay
Do you not wish to feel
With every pore with every inch
Exuberance of simplicity
Electrifying radiance of
A single ray of sun
The melancholy of the road
Moon is tracing on the water
The path to eternity
The ever present wish to fly
The ever present wish to cry
The ever present wish to hug the world
And run away

One would think
A conversation
A simple thing
A little piece of blather here and there
Don't listen don't ask
Questions are too much
To consider
Dig the deep hole
For the source of
Your curiosity
Why bother?
Just talk after another
Made a pause
And then go back to
The solitary confinement
Of your isolation

I sought for it all day - under chairs
And abandoned buildings, behind counters
And book stories...  Not anywhere it was, only a fleeting feeling
The undescribeable confusion
Of being tangled with you
Now all I feel is steel
The cold surface ******* at my core
And so we go on towards the unknown
Of whether the universe will keep us tangled
So little is in our control
I chose to trust it

A drop of rain
Ever so slightly
Changes the current of the oceans wave
It ripples and the vast whole
Responds without protest

Staring into my reflection
On the glistening surface of water
So fluidly constant
I find myself containing
Every glance into the depths
Of another soul
I absorbe and discover it  
In the universe inside my mind
Your darkness has a place in me
Now it filled the vacant place
And you find that even snake
Can care enough
To fear and long
And though I placed a particle of me
Inside the dungeon of this
Hurt consciousness
I know the difference
Enough to stay with light
And trust only those
Whole enough to know the truth

...Mother called her...
Oh so skinless
Bare wire of emotion
Fragile like a matchstick
If it won't burn it'll break
All sinks in I am a pool
Leave me with a drop of poison
Or a cup of tea
It will all concoct into something
Too hard to taste through expectation
And for a while, the aftertaste will
Linger on the surface
Infusing this consciousness with a sheer
Hint of momentary
Sorrow
Naked still, container
For everything besides that
Silly old
Yes you,
Despair
My dear frenemy
How do I know you so well
Growing up so warm and overfed?
Leave my spirit be
With the homeless ones
They know you just the way
That I could only feel
They are me
But with a valid reason
Now surface hardened with
The pity for those
Running from their reflection
Let haters spit away
I love your truth
In hell or heaven
Hand in hand with
Itchy insecurities
They feel a lot
And then we cuddle

Swallowed
By a cloud
I felt its piercing cold
Settle on my skin
Ghost wetness that lingers
The night
Full moon
Interlaced with
Dark rainbow clouds
Foamy mist
Above highway
Resting on the
Forest peaks
No limitations
To my inner freedom
No rules
To my aliveness
Pure sensuality
Here and now

Random thoughts like bees in the air
Simple and incoherent I catch them with my tongue
Only to swallow the depth in simplicity wrapper
A silly song on my mind and I hug the
Anxiety for never letting me rest
In and out goes the air and I string myself
Onto it like a bead in the necklace of
Everythingness and i know why I'm here
On this earth
Right now it's to fight the urge to dissociate
Into safe space of my imagination
Where I soak up every degree, every sound, every flavor not feeling
Guilty for taking a break to be the mother
My children deserved to have
On days like these there is not enough food
For my hungry mind except words and books
But I do like the grass stuck between my toes

Hectic morning
Lovingly frustrating
Adrenaline rush as ever
My edgy morning self
Not enough songs
Then choices vetoed
It's frozen again
Letting it go before I lose my mind
Crepes for breakfast black tea
Lunch boxes unbrushed teeth
Morning kisses goodbye
Comfortable smooches and a shot of warmth
From ever caring husband
Simple
Then rush to the doctor
Cute middle eastern girl
Head wrap so feminine
Young slender body
Pretty smile
Innocently talking me into full check
With dermatologist
Hell why not
Oh man
Young man
Oh man don't you ******* flirt with me
Before removing my gown
Oh ****
Flashback 10 years ago
How I hated those ******* ***** faces
Flashback public pool in turkey
Eleven years old
Some blue eyed *******
Out stretching his limbs
In a most perversely uncomfortable way
Pretending it's a game
Then rushing to share with friends
Here laughing
Hello to my first adrenaline rush
Ashamed to tell my parents
I'm still here
He is a doctor isn't he?
No worries
He's covered by insurance
******* middle eastern beach
Need a drink
Waiter flirting
Stop looking me in the eye
You old looser
Am I hot?
******* ******* for asking that question
With that ******* expression
Adrenaline is still here
Here to stay because it's nice to be nice
And how I hate those ******* guys

Descend to the bottom or raising to the top
Of The Well
Well aware of the consequences
When the soul gets tangled in knots falling
And expands as it approaches the light
Bouncing up and down
The endless tunnel we call
God

Simple errand of the day
To keep the yesterday away
From feeding on tomorrow’s hope
Yet right along the old survival trail
We walk picking up pebbles
Of everything that could have been
Throwing them in the air
Kicking them up with the dust of regrets
Breathing in the particles of potential
Proclaiming myself incapable
Of life for nothing else could overpower death
Only the fear of living

With a photoshopped gaze
We wish to see clearer
And to be seen clearer
As what we are afraid we are not
Forgive us life for not appreciating
Your gifts and always asking
For more than we need to be happy

I feel humanity
Seeping through your pupils
Filling me with that one
Most craved feeling
The only drug I would
Go to the end of the earth
To inject
The unity of two soles
In the small place of momentary
Intersection
I held you in my thoughts
And now in this singular
Eternity of a minute
I struggle to hold my tears
For there is nothing more important
For my soul than
to hold yours
In this unique moment
That will never repeat again

Flying around uprooted and groundless
Freer than wind from one ear into other
Constants are constant, all else shall pass
Consolation sufficient liberating thought
An illusion of an idea
Comes to my mind, no erupts and breaks in
Meaning that does not measure
To neither length nor color, temperatureless and bland... Idea
Thought... Lighter than air...
Yet feeling weighs more than a mountain...
Being a thought, an intangible substance of
External force overtaking the inner Galaxy ... How strange how lovely how refreshing
Like a fountain of nonesence so lively and warm so cold and greasy so sloppy and sad
So much in between so many layers and shades
All illusion yet more real than my skin

Good night muse
Through open mouth comes
Silent nothing you left behind
Forced syllables bubbling to the surface
Pointless use of precious tick-tocks
And dictionary was left under the rain
Soggy pages melted into a feeling state
Comatose of pretence
Your luggage full of stories and unbeknown to you morals
Secretly precious artefacts
Desposed regrets and cynical apologies
Said as a joke to stretch the time away from
Boredom
I'll keep them under pillow where they belong
Filling my dreams with dread of pointless ending
Keeping me from fading into that good night
(I love you Thomas, you old devil hope you're drunk and loved)

Good night muse
I hope you wake one day with
Sense of purpose
Desire that you're know is real
Shiver of urgency running
Down your nerves
Need desire passion
To uncover the world
At the bottom of your fall
Into the mystery of another

Letting go of the mind control
On a long exhalation
And allowing your body
To merge with the forces
Of nature
To realize their true nature
To move, breathe, see all that
Was created long before
Humanity
How ******* beautiful

Life is so ******* fragile
And when you get to hold
Another's heart in your hands
It is so devastatingly terrifying
That this life could slip through
Your fingers
When you were least expecting
Drowning in helplessness

It helped you to survive
Than overtook you
The only way back
Is learning to own yourself
And your body

When breathing feels like finite striving
Dead end, a waste of effort
It wasn't you breathing all along

Walking the streets it isn't my body
Breathing the air it isn't my soul
Nourished by the livelihood of all
The rhyme won't flow, image is static
Almost absurdly predictable
Spontaneity covered in layers of soil
Creativity choked to submission

This isn't the WAY, not myself not my life
Still watching it by the side of the bed
That stayed long in the past
Distorted image of unity

Predict your death or start this trip anew
Let in the thrill of truths so eager to erupt
To land on soil that awaits the honest
Shed image blank as page where nothing
Was ever written, nothing but the sound
Not suited for this mediocre guessing game
Your talent chokes without a helping hand
You have the power to transcend
Pain, hope,despair, evil - all arose to greet you
Give them your voice
Experiment with flow
And dream yourself anew
Truthfully

Those lovely ladies
Who lie and sweat
Like little chickens
Hungry for some
Dough
*******
Hate
I do sometimes

When smallness sinks in
On a grey morning dawn
And though the light blinds
Shadows only linger
And the mirror is only a proof
Of futility that is
This slowly subsiding
Existence without an imprint
That feels deep enough to prove
The value of your weight
On the surface of this earth
The gradual countdown into oblivion
And memories of victories
Feel like a fraud
A mistake to never be repeated
When words are swallowed
Raising up like bubbles
Only to pop on the surface
Unable to reach another ear
And ice wall between me and the other
Is ever present and the cold
Sinks into my bones
That feeling of being present elsewhere
That unknown inescapable place
That spreads its roots through your whole being
And it's tendrils rip through your rib cage
To expose the constrained aching heart
So much feeling
Yet so frozen
So deeply felt
Yet silent
So isolated
Yet connecting in an instance
An alien in its deepest sense
Since the birth of the first thought
Always not quite fitting
Dreading to fit

One more day of
What else is there to say
Relationship that keeps on
Taking and throwing words
At you in return

Merry Christmas
Have a drink
To giving without receiving
For nothing feels better
Than sharing your humanity

Brokenness is a pattern
Pull the **** trigger again
See you next week

Silence drowned in the eyes of the storm
Boundaries dissipate speechless
Confusion accompanied
By the song of the wind