Oh dear
Look who's is back
No, no, dear how could I forget?
Neither did the corners of my lips
Its you again,
The underbelly of a stray dog
Basking in its lonesome spite
Or was it spit...
Say hi to muse when she floats by
I know she was a rare visitor
On your mission to please the average
Probably looking for your lost authenticity
But hey,
There's always room for growth
Until you're hundred

Your broken bits are sharp
I don't deny
I've seen that righteous hatred
Before
I grew amongst it too
Smelled the stench of hopeless
But hey, you chose direction
Like you did today

I'm sure it's a relief
Rubbing the gritty corner of your nasty blanket
The memory you oh so faithfully obey
Good boy you are!
That's right
Daddy knows better.

Oh poor you
Hard not to be disgusted  
Who doesn't trust cannot be trusted

Intention underneath the did
Can you feel it's pattern?
It's push reminding of betrayal
It's pull begging for existence
It's yearning to trust and begging for
Solitude - quiet, unperturbed
Maddening
With bravery to fall into abyss of the unknown
To find a piece of you in hands
Whose next move will always be a question
Connection calling faith
To dance the tango
The passionate move of dangerous feeling
Trust is dangerous
Feeling is dangerous
Life is dangerous
Death is safe
It is permanent and predictable
Joylessly
Like its little sister routine
Yet we can find snapshots of joy
In the most predictable of our days
While sharing it embrace another soul

Insatiable is your hunger
Salivating you stare down into the void
What could fill this astronomical gap
Between the parts begging to fall apart?
Alone oh so alone
Not even self is there for yourself
So lost so eager so confused
So needy of a sweet lie not even you believe
You've learned to cover vulnerable with dangerous
And drowned yourself in it
Never even saw your whole reflection
From above
Before it fell apart.
Tell me oh suffering
How many times you dreamed of faith?
No wait, don't answer
You ware it on your sleeve
You stick to disillusioned
Too painful to get up
Chose dirt for name you're wishing to forget
Why it became your shelter
I see you
That was all I wanted you to know
I see you all and won't deny your downfall
I won't betray the truth
Screaming behind your pupils
I'd smile to the child you lost within
When you're ready to let go of other

Shattered shattered the light
******* the gaze into an empty well
Producing sounds is all that's left
Expanding darkness absorbing
I stepped in its direction
Reminded of the void so familiar
Darkness so soothing
Like a dream of non existence
Like the sound of eternal silence
Then smile came
And it was
Alive

The very essence of us sprouted from
"I trust you with my life"

Unity beating in unison
Feeling seeps under the skin
The smell of comfort like milk and cookies
Behind his ear inhaling his air swallowing his taste
The look in my lovers eyes extends into his touch it's in his voice
No gates unopen I let in the flow
The wholesome oneness only deeper
Than heartfelt hug or beating of his heart
No limits all is joy and all is good
Caress of need to feel the heat
Of senses he contains
His self is part of mine in moments of
Cosmic ecstasy overflowing warmth
Powerful pull evokes no hesitation
Melting beyond my boundaries
No fantasy could ever replace
Our unity

S1E2
Fifteen Million Merrits

Life isn’t lived if not accompanied
By the steady rhythm
A stomp of steps quiet or loud
Brave or careful the movement
Defined as a breath of oxygen
Away from safety that chocked
The bird that was born to sing
Oh how sad it was to watch it
Wither away and all your hopes
To watch it spread it’s wings
Shimmering in the moonlight
Now it gives away the cold unblinking
Stare just outside the cage
Always looking in
The view remains the same
See through confinement
It gave up all its feathers
Just to hold on
To the cold concrete
Of false hopelessness
False craving for something different
Than unpredictability
Silly bird silly me silly hope
It all ended before it
Was hoped to begin

Chinese say cursed is that glowing up in times of change

Childhood: sunny, monotonous, always limited
But predictable and warm
With a face of our sacred syphilitic
Soon to be desposed.  
Gramps the ****** he was, enjpying the forms of his son's whife
Shame wasn't his thing, neither was it my dad's
So he blinked, joked and turned
The other way
Grandma the saintly creature always a leader always so moral
When she read her bible, gave me sour aftertaste
To last through the years. Gossiper lady could start a war
Raising me an enemy to my own father. Why? I still don't know.
Uncle: the beautiful and charming creature of the void
Pleading begging blinking with long eyelashes
For treatment with what he was supposed to be treated against
Those beautiful gator tears...
Later - school, idiotic teachers,
Peers proud of crawling, the lowest wins!
Disillusionment started to sink in.
Are you still thinking? Weird!
No hopes, no dreams, no identity
No culture, no history
All thrown out the window
Music, values, inspiration and the rest
Revolution mades like to clear out space for the new beginnings
Starting from the point zero. Could have been neanderthals.
Slaves couldn't fix themselves some freedom
They only saw in movies.
They went with the flow -
papa government will feed, treat and raise
cattle that we were.
Are you questioning still?  Get in the line!
Looked up to crime and punishment
To learn my true heritage
All made sense, especially the urge to flea.
Could not breathe the airless any longer
Felt frog growing in my chest
******* out aspirations and infusing fears
Learned helpless buddied up to crows
And abandoned buildings.
And a joint on the edge of the roof was one thing
To make me feel alive.
Almost married one day then awoke
With a startle packed bags
Five hundred bucks in my sock
And away I flew.
To learn you never gain without a loss

Kettle that holds in the steam explodes
Kettle that controls it best is most functional
Never hold it in
Always control HOW you express it

Drop after drop after drop of days
Going by in a chain from better to worse
To better with hope
Get used to reality
Predictability
Responsibility
Try harder to keep trying
Not dying in the relaxed state
Of nothing else to gain
Vital not to loose
The light of the watchtower
That you knew was built for you to find
Only for you...
All alone in the watchtower...
Maybe some day
For today, wherever those muddy feet of mine
Will take me
I wish not to be alone
I wish to share my reality
I wish to break the bubble
That appropriate place
Of perfect composure
I wish to break into song like
A melodramatic Broadway fool
I wish to jump in the puddles
I wish go scream alive into the wind
To feel it tearing at my desperately joyous seams
I wish to be touched by another's breath
I wish to be needed and
Stretch out my hand
Give it my all to be there
For anyone else but me
Most together there could ever be
Under the same sun
Breathing the same air
Walking the same ground
Wishing to be seen

I know a dragon
Ancient and humane
He resides in the cave
He calls lovingly a shadow box
From which he peers
Into the innermost of you
Outstretching a pair of knobbly fingers
To pull the sting out
With a gentle smile
And advice to watch the shame
As if a curious child
Not knowing yet the fear
Of failing
And like a child he smirks at you
With a glance blanketing your doubt
And he could stay in his cave
For ages on end
And he does not like loud parties
In palaces that wouldn’t fit his frame
His fire deemed to hide
Inside the safety of the shadow
To protect mortals from
Being burned alive
By the terrifying truth
Of his breath
Yet with all his strength
He fears my eyes
For he is not accustomed to be seen
And he is angry as much as pleased
To find he is not the only dragon
In the room
How happy I am to find my kin

Agitation twisting thought pressing
Inside my temples swirling pain
Of uncertainty something to endure
Overcome without giving in to the doubt
I need a reliable honest shoulder
Lost my objectivity somewhere on the way
Reality feels boggy and the hearing dulled
To the call I heard some time ago
Doubt everything: you, me, truth, air, purpose
Simultaneous wish to fall apart into pieces
And to run in the direction felt as ultimate
Fluidity of perspective is the only truth
Mainstream thought is an enemy
My mind perceives as mystery, can't see it
Feel it, need it, respect it
Yet living in seclusion is my greatest fear
I see everyone around me
Yet so confused inside myself

Don't be lonesome sailor
Swaying on the waves under the
Dark cover of speckled eternity
It isn't the end it may never be
And if it is to come
Than now is the moment to enjoy
The last minute to savor
The breath of sea **** in the air
To absorb before darkness covers you
With calm annihilation.
And wouldn't feeling suit you
When coda comes to mind?
When rest is here to stay
Do you not wish to feel
With every pore with every inch
Exuberance of simplicity
Electrifying radiance of
A single ray of sun
The melancholy of the road
Moon is tracing on the water
The path to eternity
The ever present wish to fly
The ever present wish to cry
The ever present wish to hug the world
And run away

One would think
A conversation
A simple thing
A little piece of blather here and there
Don't listen don't ask
Questions are too much
To consider
Dig the deep hole
For the source of
Your curiosity
Why bother?
Just talk after another
Made a pause
And then go back to
The solitary confinement
Of your isolation

Swallowed
By a cloud
I felt its piercing cold
Settle on my skin
Ghost wetness that lingers
The night
Full moon
Interlaced with
Dark rainbow clouds
Foamy mist
Above highway
Resting on the
Forest peaks
No limitations
To my inner freedom
No rules
To my aliveness
Pure sensuality
Here and now

Rare moment
Found myself
At a loss of words
That angry outbursting
Satan anarchy heavy metal
Type of kid always a trouble
Spreading red paint all over the place
Like someone got killed
Many time in a raw
Burst into a story of abuse
And then to my astonishment
"I love you"
Then went red from shame
I felt so sorry for him
I wished I could say something encouraging
But I think I failed
I just stood there somewhere close
And continued talking to him
As I felt his shame and anger
And **** did I feel like I failed!
At least he didn't leave

Descend to the bottom or raising to the top
Of The Well
Well aware of the consequences
When the soul gets tangled in knots falling
And expands as it approaches the light
Bouncing up and down
The endless tunnel we call
God

Gentle breeze engulfing every bit of
Sadness that was left it blew away
With the salt air and flocks of seagulls
Under the warmth of my children's palms
Loving heat the best of all things I ever created
Taking the moments one at a time and
Forever wishing to be more present
Yet feeling a tinkling of distant thought
The grey area of fatal uncertainly
Ever pulling in some ironeously
Self-destructive direction no amount of
Education could possibly eradicate
A glimps of the deadly silhouette the one
My insanity wished to befriend
She is here inexplicably near or is she not?
Was she ever not? that is a better way to place the question
Strange and creepling I know she is wishing
As maybe I am in some deep down irrational cave where
Fear decides to embody the joy of motherhood
Maternal towards that which never wished me well
By definition untrustworthy never proving me wrong
Yet in this vast sensory symphony by the sea
The attraction of my singularity to the core of all things
Is only beyond my comprehension
Yet forever existing in accord with some universal order
And I wish I saw her eyes

The boy who cried wolf
No begged for one to appear
Dangerous and disgusting
With eyes that cut through the night
With teeth bloodthirsty
Rip his clothes and skin to shreads
Reminding the boy
Of everything he wished to forget
Oh dear wolf
Prove that I can be your worthy victim
Share this life with me
And swallow the punishment
At the end of my riffle
So I can be legitimately
Disappointed

Grey highway swarm of thoughts in afternoon
Depart to face the questions
Of what could happen soon
How many lives per week
Would you be willing to save
With words?
There isn't an answer it's all rhetoric
Strange kind of ******
Crippled in withdrawal
So empty without a violin to tune
Your thoughts your inner self
A song that lost its chorus
Drowning my insanity
While I save you from yours

Or at least hear your story
Good enough for a double lifetime
So what else is there besides
Your negative attention seeking...

I feel humanity
Seeping through your pupils
Filling me with that one
Most craved feeling
The only drug I would
Go to the end of the earth
To inject
The unity of two soles
In the small place of momentary
Intersection
I held you in my thoughts
And now in this singular
Eternity of a minute
I struggle to hold my tears
For there is nothing more important
For my soul than
to hold yours
In this unique moment
That will never repeat again

Letting go of the mind control
On a long exhalation
And allowing your body
To merge with the forces
Of nature
To realize their true nature
To move, breathe, see all that
Was created long before
Humanity
How ******* beautiful

It helped you to survive
Than overtook you
The only way back
Is learning to own yourself
And your body

What's there between the feeling
And the vast confusion it creates
Between the chest and teeth
Something stuck and bulging
Unnatural quivering of the vessels

And yet the meaning never faltered
And while I feel so small
Looking into the dark hole of
Never and ever
I still hold on to the thinnest possibility
Of seeing meaning behind those curtains

Talent is goddesses' weapon
I wasn't created a mirror to be pretty
Still much to learn but certain of this psychic
Vision
They say powerful yet
Feeing so fragile in the face of overcoming
Emotion that invades intermixed
Oh what a mess of feeing
Can't know my own from another's
When all I feel is you and me is a
Shadow on the background
Mere reflector that sees inside another
So unknown to myself
And ever lost

Yet my feet never stopped never strained
From the path on which
I knew only the direction
Of the next step
And now as never before
I am filled with faith
That what needs to happen will
Through you and me

Repetition of small
Moments
To enjoy them
Is the greatest task
Leading to true contentment
Warm smell of chicken roasting
Kissing two little heads
Worth more than life itself
Television filling up the silence
Airplane noise
Smell of spring in the air
Freshly green leaves
Soft carpet under my toes
Headache reminding I'm still alive
What insignificantly
Important pieces

If only I knew
What luck it is
To get a surprise
****** exam of all
Your private information
Through and through
Plus the mic
Is hanging over me
Just like an all seeing
Who can’t stop

Wait... TWICE!!!

Same life
Same wheel
Same squirrel
Rushing towards
Nochangeatall
One could think
She found her comfort zone
The cage was open
All along

I lost interest in words
I lost it suddenly when
A thousand syllables
You accidentally spilled
Felt like a midnight forest
Loud and confusing
A little dangerous
And much unintended
Yet the intension spoke
Loud and clear
When the words
Selected to be spoken
Bid a bitter farewell

Silence drowned in the eyes of the storm
Boundaries dissipate speechless
Confusion accompanied
By the song of the wind

When breathing feels like finite striving
Dead end, a waste of effort
It wasn't you breathing all along

Walking the streets it isn't my body
Breathing the air it isn't my soul
Nourished by the livelihood of all
The rhyme won't flow, image is static
Almost absurdly predictable
Spontaneity covered in layers of soil
Creativity choked to submission

This isn't the WAY, not myself not my life
Still watching it by the side of the bed
That stayed long in the past
Distorted image of unity

Predict your death or start this trip anew
Let in the thrill of truths so eager to erupt
To land on soil that awaits the honest
Shed image blank as page where nothing
Was ever written, nothing but the sound
Not suited for this mediocre guessing game
Your talent chokes without a helping hand
You have the power to transcend
Pain, hope,despair, evil - all arose to greet you
Give them your voice
Experiment with flow
And dream yourself anew
Truthfully

Good night muse
Through open mouth comes
Silent nothing you left behind
Forced syllables bubbling to the surface
Pointless use of precious tick-tocks
And dictionary was left under the rain
Soggy pages melted into a feeling state
Comatose of pretence
Your luggage full of stories and unbeknown to you morals
Secretly precious artefacts
Desposed regrets and cynical apologies
Said as a joke to stretch the time away from
Boredom
I'll keep them under pillow where they belong
Filling my dreams with dread of pointless ending
Keeping me from fading into that good night
(I love you Thomas, you old devil hope you're drunk and loved)

Good night muse
I hope you wake one day with
Sense of purpose
Desire that you're know is real
Shiver of urgency running
Down your nerves
Need desire passion
To uncover the world
At the bottom of your fall
Into the mystery of another

Dear fear you are the air
I breathe as I tear my face off the pillow soaked
With dreams  of worry
You embrace me with all the meaninglessness
There is to the lethality of this game
Fear to hurt, to be hurt
To be too quick and not quick enough
To be disconnected and connected way too much
I drink you like a daily cup of poison
Like a morning vitamin that reminds me
Nothing is quite how it should
Not yet not enough not what it has to be
Fear of loosing the path
That was never found
And there isn't a way to know
And there isn't really a path
But what if it gets lost
Before it's ever felt
And what if it was felt
But the cup is full yet again
And what if nothing happens at all
If i dissolve into someone who
Isn't poisoned by your awakening
One step at a time you say
And I agree
And yet each morning
I wake to a cup of coffee and a pillow
Soaked with fear

On a step soaking in the
Forest's breath simply
Sitting with my ****
On a wooden board
Hardly thinking
Suddenly powerful
Desire to smile and
Experience every inhalation
As a gift perhaps
Because the life goes on
Perhaps because the mystery
Remained and isn't so
Out of reach
Giving it my permission
To guide me or simply ask
I am grateful to you
My mystery
Simply because you are
And if you wish for an
Innosent gift
Say it simply
It will be my pleasure
On a sunny day
When the dragonfly
Helicoptered past my nose

Through the blue tone
Of my deadened layers
The life leaked so simply
Disappearing into the pool of
Emptiness and rage
Into the eyes
That knew no gratitude
The bottomless fall into
Meaninglessness
And yet through the lucidity of this phantasy
Faith persisted to survive
Uncomprehancibly
Unverbalized
The sound of a dead crow
Prophesizing there is more
Than mind can comprehend
Worlds yet to be discovered
Inspirations and souls to be awakened

Random thoughts like bees in the air
Simple and incoherent I catch them with my tongue
Only to swallow the depth in simplicity wrapper
A silly song on my mind and I hug the
Anxiety for never letting me rest
In and out goes the air and I string myself
Onto it like a bead in the necklace of
Everythingness and i know why I'm here
On this earth
Right now it's to fight the urge to dissociate
Into safe space of my imagination
Where I soak up every degree, every sound, every flavor not feeling
Guilty for taking a break to be the mother
My children deserved to have
On days like these there is not enough food
For my hungry mind except words and books
But I do like the grass stuck between my toes

A drop of rain
Ever so slightly
Changes the current of the oceans wave
It ripples and the vast whole
Responds without protest

Staring into my reflection
On the glistening surface of water
So fluidly constant
I find myself containing
Every glance into the depths
Of another soul
I absorbe and discover it  
In the universe inside my mind
Your darkness has a place in me
Now it filled the vacant place
And you find that even snake
Can care enough
To fear and long
And though I placed a particle of me
Inside the dungeon of this
Hurt consciousness
I know the difference
Enough to stay with light
And trust only those
Whole enough to know the truth

Crawling climbing with the last bit of power
In those worn out sacred muscles
Spirit was grasping for transformation
The sun behind the horizon seemed stuck
The earth stopped spinning
Or limbo moment held on pause
Skipping like broken record
Day after day after day
Over and over, the slap for the rawness of truth
Too much for any shell to handle
The spirit exhausted looking for a glimmer of sunrise
Wouldn't come if the life of real
Was put into the sealed box of convention
The spirit fought as it felt it was loosing
It withstood as it saw itself spread
Into a puddle of blood, sweat and tears
It fought for truth once seen never to be unfelt
Like kindness born in absolute acceptance
Of painful humanity
In holding the spirit of another
Naked and trembling
Warming another with heat of each breath
Feeling with every though
Nurturing with honest hope
How few were brave enough to dive
Into this terrifying ocean
Cold hot edgy and flawless
All at once so confusing
And yet the only one that could ever be real
Spirit knew to let go of a hand
Not brave enough to be held
There was sunrise behind this great mountain
And hope in the air even when the darkness
Covered the sight with a blindfold of annihilation
There were many hands and many lives
And goodbyes were never easy
For each grasp once felt
Was forever to be missed
Yet the journey was to continue
Through pain and loss and
Memory of sunrise once imprinted
Forever to be sought

Flying around uprooted and groundless
Freer than wind from one ear into other
Constants are constant, all else shall pass
Consolation sufficient liberating thought
An illusion of an idea
Comes to my mind, no erupts and breaks in
Meaning that does not measure
To neither length nor color, temperatureless and bland... Idea
Thought... Lighter than air...
Yet feeling weighs more than a mountain...
Being a thought, an intangible substance of
External force overtaking the inner Galaxy ... How strange how lovely how refreshing
Like a fountain of nonesence so lively and warm so cold and greasy so sloppy and sad
So much in between so many layers and shades
All illusion yet more real than my skin

When smallness sinks in
On a grey morning dawn
And though the light blinds
Shadows only linger
And the mirror is only a proof
Of futility that is
This slowly subsiding
Existence without an imprint
That feels deep enough to prove
The value of your weight
On the surface of this earth
The gradual countdown into oblivion
And memories of victories
Feel like a fraud
A mistake to never be repeated
When words are swallowed
Raising up like bubbles
Only to pop on the surface
Unable to reach another ear
And ice wall between me and the other
Is ever present and the cold
Sinks into my bones
That feeling of being present elsewhere
That unknown inescapable place
That spreads its roots through your whole being
And it's tendrils rip through your rib cage
To expose the constrained aching heart
So much feeling
Yet so frozen
So deeply felt
Yet silent
So isolated
Yet connecting in an instance
An alien in its deepest sense
Since the birth of the first thought
Always not quite fitting
Dreading to fit

Perplexed, why continue the song
If the words make no sense and the tune you can't hear
What can be the root of connection that cannot be felt?
Eagerness to prolong and fill in the void by minute increments
With something so utterly silly and trivial
Something that gives one no power over another
Was that a snake mistaking itself for a lion?
Is there a wish underneath it all
That makes this creature a little human?
If you could choose yourself anew, who would you be?

...Mother called her...
Oh so skinless
Bare wire of emotion
Fragile like a matchstick
If it won't burn it'll break
All sinks in I am a pool
Leave me with a drop of poison
Or a cup of tea
It will all concoct into something
Too hard to taste through expectation
And for a while, the aftertaste will
Linger on the surface
Infusing this consciousness with a sheer
Hint of momentary
Sorrow
Naked still, container
For everything besides that
Silly old
Yes you,
Despair
My dear frenemy
How do I know you so well
Growing up so warm and overfed?
Leave my spirit be
With the homeless ones
They know you just the way
That I could only feel
They are me
But with a valid reason
Now surface hardened with
The pity for those
Running from their reflection
Let haters spit away
I love your truth
In hell or heaven
Hand in hand with
Itchy insecurities
They feel a lot
And then we cuddle

Hospitals are great for
Keeping people alive
And checking for dead relationships
Done

Simple errand of the day
To keep the yesterday away
From feeding on tomorrow’s hope
Yet right along the old survival trail
We walk picking up pebbles
Of everything that could have been
Throwing them in the air
Kicking them up with the dust of regrets
Breathing in the particles of potential
Proclaiming myself incapable
Of life for nothing else could overpower death
Only the fear of living

Brokenness is a pattern
Pull the **** trigger again
See you next week

There are times
When feeling pushes against the skin
Stretching it until it comes apart
Along the seems of what you thought
Was polite and acceptable
Threatened by your own self you
Swallow it deeper to preserve
The bond, but alas it's broken
By your silence
This steam will burn you
And will fire out uncontrollably
When your mind falls asleep
Find the words
Have some faith in human race
To show you that your feelings matter

With a photoshopped gaze
We wish to see clearer
And to be seen clearer
As what we are afraid we are not
Forgive us life for not appreciating
Your gifts and always asking
For more than we need to be happy

Hectic morning
Lovingly frustrating
Adrenaline rush as ever
My edgy morning self
Not enough songs
Then choices vetoed
It's frozen again
Letting it go before I lose my mind
Crepes for breakfast black tea
Lunch boxes unbrushed teeth
Morning kisses goodbye
Comfortable smooches and a shot of warmth
From ever caring husband
Simple
Then rush to the doctor
Cute middle eastern girl
Head wrap so feminine
Young slender body
Pretty smile
Innocently talking me into full check
With dermatologist
Hell why not
Oh man
Young man
Oh man don't you ******* flirt with me
Before removing my gown
Oh ****
Flashback 10 years ago
How I hated those ******* ***** faces
Flashback public pool in turkey
Eleven years old
Some blue eyed *******
Out stretching his limbs
In a most perversely uncomfortable way
Pretending it's a game
Then rushing to share with friends
Here laughing
Hello to my first adrenaline rush
Ashamed to tell my parents
I'm still here
He is a doctor isn't he?
No worries
He's covered by insurance
******* middle eastern beach
Need a drink
Waiter flirting
Stop looking me in the eye
You old looser
Am I hot?
******* ******* for asking that question
With that ******* expression
Adrenaline is still here
Here to stay because it's nice to be nice
And how I hate those ******* guys

One of those days
When agitation drives productivity
Up the wall and out through
Dark chimney
As little eye contact
As possible to continue breathing
Non stop doing not enough
While hanging somewhere in the air
With feet not grounded on the soil
That holds my truth
Was there ever a piece of land that did?
Gulping for a sense of belonging
Just like i did since long before anything
Started happening
So far away from the start
Yet held by the same forces
My best frenemies
That uncover
The illusion of being
When it does not come
From within
Pushing away the
Aliveness to be properly
Placed in the net of sameness
Normality of boredom
Oh how I hate it

...I sat on wet wipes
And now I look
Like I peed myself

Take it easy
Enjoy
The senses
Have hope
For people
Believe