Stop for a moment!
slowly i pour the warmth of each
breath into every clenched and tense
fiber of my body
fear is dissolving with
deep awareness
my lungs expanding
taking in what the world has never failed to
provide that which i share with all the myriads
of living creatures in all parts of this
ever spinning sphere
the constance of breath and the slow
continued release
from the tips of my fingers
to the tips of my toes
the silky touch of air
the heat the cold the icy the humid
i feel it in my veins in my chest
on my lips on the tip of my nose
in the expanse of my shoulders
in the softness of my stomach
in the ease of my eyelids
engulfing me wrapping every inch of me
the gentle tinkling of the living energy
moves through my body
touching every inch arousing a feeling
of presence in this very moment
the only one that exists

Feeling trembling reverberating
Inside my chest in my temples
Eyes sore from trying to see
The world behind a heavy cloud of
Smoke emitted from burning
Of the past hopes foliage
Angst frustration mess of it all
Cavelike all absorbing darkness
Sipping into the pores
Is anybody here?
Can't see outside my mind
All a blur unfocused disorganized mess
Of a meaning, structure fallen apart
Windswept keepsakes
Pages into ashes
Graphite could become a diamond
But this painful moment
Is more precious still
And so I write

It's not the doubt that does it.
It's not the second thoughts
nor is it the insecurities.
It's not about the lack of trust
or the saturated lust,
it's not the natural attraction
or the ****** satisfaction.

It's just the sickening familiarity of it all.
The painful realization that I've been here before, again and again,
yet each time expecting something...

*...different.

It will all make sense in the end
The turmoil the lack of control
The gifts bestowed and blindness to light
The need to dive into a deeper understanding
And lifetime drowning in questions
Desdain for perfection and possession by it
The words like a broken thread of beads
Now scattered out of my grip
And precision of what needs to be said
Kindness that brings tears and malice
Answered with a smile
It will all tie together in a tight knot
Into the last breath that will only be that
A breath and a memory

Through endless repetition
Of strange days
Engulfing this alien spirit
A breath of rain, a ray of sun
Breaking throw morning curtains,
A loving touch and
A look of openness on the face I love
So beautiful - I fight on
To feel alive

Character sprouts and spreads
And penetrates the view the action
And response
Does this skin fits my inner world?
Does my inner world fit my outfit?
Blanket embroidered with a portrait of
Your heart's temple and a flag to your war
Is it a boldly stated truth undoubtful axiom?
Is this changing shape metamorphosis
Faithfully truth to her essence?
While stretching it's limbs  
Transforming it's tangible qualities...
The flexible substance is essence of the Constance
Do you find such substance in what's expected?
Do you follow instructions compulsively
Step by step towards a ready made final product?
Character defined and well understood
With a resounding hahaha and a polite distance
The character in keeping the face and the stiff upper lip
Giving lip service to the leaders and those to be followed on Twitter
Hiding the angst in the nights embrace
Facing the morning as must be done
Over and over and over
With much character for others to see

By naked nerves
This pride was to be hung
Out to dry in the sunlight
Where life began
Outside this god forsaken shell
That tv mama sung into
This eager child's willing ear
Pride was a blanket yet to be sewn
And a glass of water yet to be poured
Promise of comfort
Nourishing hopes idea
That keeps on slimming
And leaving the baby
Forever hungry forever empty
Sugar coated futility and shame
Grandiosely dressed velvety pretense
Naked I wish to be
This moment is alive
Pulsating energy
Sweeping you off you feet and driving
Each heartbeat further
Deeper with tinkling
Cocktail of discomfort and
Purpose with a dollop of euphoria
Alive I wish to be
Simply complex, primitively dark
Painfully loving and unwillingly absent
Skinless as I am in my ****** honesty
As I am as I was as I will ever be
I let go
No more hanging on fear
There isn't loosing but setting free
Giving away of hearts
They only grow bigger in the end