it is three in the morning again
and i'm clinging to the t-shirt you gave me
i've whispered your name thirty seven times
to the dust on my nightstand
and the ink stains on my bedspread.
i imagine you cling to her warmth
you no longer have to lie next to
my stone cold, anemic body
i shiver at the thought
or maybe it is the fact
that i have not eaten much
this week and that the weather
is quite frigid for the month of march.
i pull your t-shirt closer to me, trying to
create some sort of heat source. i haven't
had the thermostat on since you left
because i do not have the money to pay
for such things.
the musky scent of you no
longer lingers off your t-shirt,
my old roommate threw it in the wash
so i threw her out.
I cling tighter to your t-shirt
causing my knuckles to crack
and the dry, crisp skin on my
hands to split open
the pain doesn't hurt anymore
i am used to this pain
11:56pm: where are you? how could you leave me out in the cold all by myself? how could you not care about me anymore? please tell me you're thinking about me.
6:32am: it's been a month since we stopped talking and i still haven't been able to spend a moment without wanting to ***** my heart up. you are all that i can ever ******* think about.
2:07am: please tell me i have crossed your mind. please tell me i'm not the only one feeling like i am in a constant state of being hit by a semi truck. please tell me i'm not the one doing all the missing.
5:49pm: everyone says it's for the best that you're gone and that i can go on without you, but what am i supposed to do when i am living but not surviving?
4:32am: i haven't slept since we stopped talking and no one seems to understand why i'm not the same girl anymore.
4:03am: please just tell me you miss me.
11:27pm: all these ******* poems saying time will heal the broken are wrong because every waking moment i spend it gets harder and i miss you more and more and my god please just ******* text me.
1:12am: you have done so much wrong and i want to forget you and give up on you but if you asked me for water i would carry the ocean to your house without another thought.
he'll light a flame in your hands and destroy your ******* bones and your favourite colour will still be the purple on his fists.
when i was laying there with you and our legs were intertwined with messy hair and soft humming in the warm air, our bodies became so in sync that i couldn't figure out whose heartbeat was whose and i couldn't have cared less because i could travel across the world and live in a plethora of different houses, hotels and apartments and never feel as at home as i do in your arms.
having a fear of heights i often find myself imagining falling off of buildings and ledges, trying to figure out exactly what i would do in that moment. then you came along and without knowing i fell, and i am still falling deeper and deeper every day. i haven't yet been able to figure out what i am supposed to do, so i'm going to continue to fall until i crash and collapse and all that is left is the remains of you and i.
"Well what would you like to know?" I ask with a deep breath.
"Would you be interested in hearing about how beautiful his eyes are as he stares up at the night sky not knowing that no constellation could match together to become quite as beautiful as the colours in his eyes?
Would you like to hear about how the depth of his voice creates a storm in my heart which causes my body to tremble and leaves my ears satisfied and longing for more?
Would you be interested in knowing how beautifully every word rolls off of his tongue as I stare at the way he talks slowly driving myself insane as the gap between our lips is never filled?
Would you like to hear how my heart becomes a blizzard of incoherent beats that no cardiologist could even begin to comprehend when I am around him?
Tell me, what is the answer you are after? As when I speak of him my lips will not seal and my mind will not ever still as the thought of him is never the cure of my heart ache, rather than the cause."
I know that I am just the dust under your bed,
and the broken lightbulb that you can't fix.
I know that I'm the broken key on the piano,
and the never fading scar on your leg.
I know that I am the creak in your door,
and the strand of hair that is constantly out of place.
but oh my God,
I would give absolutely everything
to be your something.
I would swallow rivers dry
just to pour it all out to you.
I would set my house on fire
if it meant a flame between us.
I would give all of me to you
if it meant you gave me a part of yourself,