Savour them: the small moments
That keep us interconnected. Weaving
Over and under, through fulvous flows  
Permanently digressing through life.
Let the colours change, and with them, so too do
I change, slowing and speeding,
Gas to break, to give and take. Crimson default,
Halting finally, for a few brief moments,
Tension grows, but the world seems at peace, until
Sudden flicker of green, and back we roll into the machine.

I'm now at my personal high.
No more fighting; no more lies.
I'm readying myself for a brand new life.
A beginning that I myself couldn't pass.

As I stay here where my feet
Are permanately planted
I catch myself seeking you
Watching you from a distance

You seem to be content with yourself
And what you're doing nowadays
But for some strange reason
I wish I could be a part of it
And not feel so astray

But I guess
some fields
just aren't as green as the others
And some oceans not as blue
And I guess that's what its like with
Me and you
You could always do better than me
You could find a blooming flower
Instead of a withering ****

I could have been the sun shining
Maybe just not as bright
I could have been the calm snow falling
Maybe just not as white

I could have been the fire burning
Maybe just not as hot
I could have been a memory
But then you just forgot

I know I'm nothing special
But there is something about your eyes
That won't let me forget about you
I just don't know why

You could have been the captain
To my smooth sailing ship
But you decided you didn't want me
So I was surely left to sink

But truly everyday
you somehow flood my brain

So I'm begging
Please help me
Please come stop this rain

I'm drowning
I need you
To stop all of this pain

But I wouldn't burden you
To help me get through

I hope youre happy
And I hope the sun shines on you

I will not forget you.
Would I like to forget you? Or what you did to me?
Perhaps.  But I will not.
Do not.  Cannot.  Have not.

I do not forget you.
Certain places, touches, people
Remind me of you, of us, of that fateful day.
I did not forget you.

I have not forgotten you.
I cannot be near a farm without a memory
Invading my mind and my heart.
I cannot eat or smell a mushroom without flashbacks flooding through my head.
You put them there.

I cannot forget you.
I did not choose promiscuity, abusive relationships, or self-harm.
You chose them for me.
I did not choose to give it all away to some devilish boy cooing in my ear,
"I love you, Sarah."
But that was my new normal.

It is not normal.
And it is not now.

I once had hoped to forget you.
To block out the pain associated with your name.
I did not want anything to do with you.
I did not want to believe you hurt me.
I did not want to deal with the mess you left behind
While you gave into your own selfish impulses.

Now I do not choose to forget you.
I allow myself to feel the hurt when I need to.
I allow myself to mourn the loss of my innocence.
I allow myself to acknowledge that I am not completely "moved on"
And I let you be my motivation to help others.

I do not have to forget you.
I chose a life for myself in order to deal with it
Feminism, activism, writing.
And frankly,
That is quite okay with me.

The morning sun back on its throne,
Denying the moon from the light she owns.
He is ruling the sky, burning fire as she mourns.
Forgetting that she was the queen of his throne.

The universe spin for the sun shall fade,
His fiery red rays are just left nothing but shades.
The queen rose up lighting up all face,
I wish you good morning, my lovely late date.

©2013 Maman Screams

One-fifty-two a.m.
Eleven beers.
Almost a liter of *****.

I really should be going to bed.

****, I should have gone to bed hours ago...

Maybe one more beer
will help me hold on.

Does this couch just feel
that much better than my bed?

Or maybe it has something to do
with these antibiotics
I’ve been mixing
with excessive amounts of alcohol?

Maybe?

Just maybe I don’t want to get better --
-- to feel better.
Maybe I want this flu to consume me
and swallow me whole.

If that won’t work
perhaps I really do
want to drown
in distilled potatoes
and fermented wheat
barley
hops

Is it possible –- isn’t it?

What the hell do I want?

Do I even know anymore?

I know I wanted you.

I wanted you
more than anything.

You were wearing a real short skit,
and I had a real short fuse.
For sure it was a bad combination...

...but that don’t make it a good excuse.

When the dust settled
I guess we both realized that neither of us
would ever see the sun again...

...not as long as we were chained together.

God-*******-******!

Why does everything I write
turn out to be about you?

Why?

Why do I still think about that one night
when we were outside in the rain,
when you told me that I looked just like James Dean?

Why?

I wish then I would have told you
that it doesn’t mean a ******* thing...

...because with the lights out babe,
every girl is Marilyn Monroe.

Not just you.

I used to hope
that when this was over
you’d still
remember me.

But now that it’s over
I can’t stand the fact
that I can’t stop
thinking
about
you.

Two-oh-nine a.m.
Christ, I really should be going to bed.

Maybe I’ll be able to forget you then --

-- maybe you’ll stop polluting
every decent thing I try to write.

I doubt it though.

I get the feeling you’ll be sticking to
my ribs
and hanging on
my heartstrings
for a while to come.

Hopefully one day
someday soon
I’ll finally be
done
with you.

And at last I’ll finally see the truth --

We were just

two

dumb

kids

with jealous hearts

that ******* fell apart

when bombs

explode.

he moved fast
swift as a mouse
running away from a cat
he said ‘I never
ever wanted to stay here’
and added ‘I will do
all that I can.’
I ask what
‘to escape’
he grew tired of everything else
often he would joke around
about leaving
about driving away
he already made plans
he will smoke on the way
of his escape
he will stay in a lodge when he gets tired
eat, drink, and probably sleep more
he never wanted to stay
‘where modern minds
think medieval’ adding
‘if I rot in hell, they would be happy’
so every night we talk
you never fail to say and add things to your plan
but I smile, laugh, and hug
everything about your plan
because of all his plans
of going away, driving all the way to
a city that never sleeps
of his great escape
I am in every plan
‘I’ll leave
only if you do’
and my heart melted
every broken piece of it
into one beating heart
for once, someone finally
thought about me
one night, I asked
(I don’t particularly care how or where)
‘so
when
do
we
go
love?’