I found your old
wrist watch
amongst your things;
strap worn, unstitched,

the face of the watch
stopped at a given time,
metal touched with grime.
Don't know when

you wore it last,
but I guess your being
still tingles along the vibes,
despite the years gone by.

I wonder if you
chopped up your day
by it, wonder what hours
you set aside for play,

what for work or sleep?
You're dead now, so that
information will have to keep,
the hours spent, the moments

slipped by in the blink
of a human eye, the ticking
watch ticking off
the time allotted you,

your span set out,
the final year
mapped out maybe,
for none to know or see.

I hold your watch,
allow the sense of you
to come through
the metal workings,

silver cast, leather strap;
the sense of you
pulsing as I wear it
briefly on my wrist;  

the back of the watch
and my skin touching
as if kissed. I will put
the wrist watch away,

in some drawer, for
another, some day,
but it is you, my son,
that is wanted, that’s missed.

Peace runs through miles of uncharted hell
My feet swell, on burning stone  
The heat is seeping through my muscles to my bones
My heart, well it's fighting to beat
Oh how I would love to give up, I envy the weak,
how I would love to be the Devils sweet meat
But I keep on
When I find peace this will all be gone

* * *

Peace runs through a single mile of uncharted hell
My feet, they soak in the heat
My heart, well, ha, people say they can still hear it beat
Oh and how easy it was to find peace, just let the heat increase
Let it overflow your bones, eat the burning stones
They envy me, the weak
The Devil is MY sweet meat!
MY treat!
Yes, keep on, but not for too long
Like I said, when you find peace, all these elegant gores, will all be yours

you were a perfectly good waste
of blank CDs
but it's okay
you never liked my mixtapes anyways

there's still a part of me
that can't let you go
I burned everything I wrote
flames in all the photos
but I kept the one that doesn't even show your face
you pulling me down the street in a sled,
so I can pretend
you were the one carrying my weight

lover
our favorite thing to do together
was go to the movies
half of our bodies touching
and I think you liked it so much
because neither of us would speak
and you told me to pick out my own Christmas present
at the store that you work in
one t shirt, one beanie
because 15% off is worth more than spontaneity

lover
I passed you in the hall
while you were trying to talk to me
and it was unbelievably hard
to just keep walking

lover
we always kept the lights off
backseats barebones long nights no sleep
black friday ****** mornings
you told me you would leave if we hung out
when I was anything but sober
but you laughed and kissed me instead whenever you see my eyes are red

I've been writing about you for the past 3 months
and it's all been complete ******* garbage
everything was always about you
and thanks to me, it still is

lover
love her
I feel sorry for her
I tried so hard
I wore flannel every day
to melt into yours
I was puddy in your rough palms
molding to every move
my bones are breaking
because I let you fill up every part that was empty
and I asked you about your father
and you never asked about mine

lover
I check your twitter every day
I just want to know what's going on in your head
I never knew what was going on in your head
you came over at midnight
to climb into my bed
and I begged you to stay
but you never forgot to set an alarm
there was a time limit on us
ever since the first day

lover
I never even met your mom
but you got ******
any time I felt embarrassed by mine
I wanted to be everything you wanted
but that just wasn't me
I'm so sorry
that you spoiled every part of me
that was worth keeping
that night at the bonfire
I was trying to give you a second chance
but you didn't take it
so I kissed him instead
sometimes I wonder
if I'm no better

lover
I'm sorry that I lied
I told you I would always be there
and so did you
in that book of poems by Gwendolyn Brooks you knew I had my eye on
you told me were bad at communicating
but maybe we just weren't listening
only waiting for our turn to speak
only waiting to hear you speak
only waiting for you to say that you love me like I always did
to make you feel sorry for me

lover
I wanted to love you so badly.

Make a move
  There is no God
    Can I leave this place?
      Erase my memory from here.

I could leave someday
  Maybe even today
    Go into the eternal light
      Never return from the flight

Floating into the darkness
  Up and down , everywhere around
    So numb, am I alive
      Am I going away or moving in?

                          Am I still alive?



Do you think I am?



                                                 Do I want to be?



Why should I be?



Will I ever get a chance?
  Where do I go?
    Should I chase it?
      Is any of it worth it?

I want to leave
  I need peace
    I'm going to search for it
      I'm going away

I told you I was leaving and
you brushed me off like
I'm going to be here forever.
I'm going to break your heart and
you know it.
Stop avoiding it.
Stop bringing people around
so we cant be alone.
I need to do this.

When I was in second grade a boy punched me
and I punched him back
until his nose bled on mulch

and ever since then I don’t chase boys
and I do not care for blonde hair anymore

when I was in second grade I would make
homes for fairies in the dirt using
moss and leaves and dandelion stems

when I was in second grade I had a house I could rattle around in
I could sulk like an angry ghost in a house built in 1867

I would wander around in the forest with two boys
I convinced them we should break into old houses
and our neighbors sheds

We created a world of green and vine and stumps
For Christmas one year we decorated a tree

We were the little ones who never wanted to go home
We called ourselves Peter Pan
Because we were never growing up

That was all before I moved
And the last day with them they crowned me Queen

I would climb on the roof at night
and feel the warmth of the sun still lingering there
and that was back when I was scared of what was in my closet

but since then I’ve befriended it

we once made love,
on a shell and
shingle stone beach.
it was a cold,
uncomfortable affair,
of clacking, shifting.
a scratching, scrying game,
of hard, hurried, thrusting.
riding waves of tepid saltwalter
and banging, barging,
bruising ice beneath
our backs.

but we,
were new to love,
in need of intimacy
and at least,
there was no sand,

i remember, the next day
our backs and buttocks,
were pokmarked with bruises.
a karmic reminder of our
base human greed

Sometimes I feel so lonely,
I just sink into the bed and bring the covers around,
fabricated an embrace.