i mistaked that birds crow for you-
all i long for is to hold you
my tears are for that of joy
and the mere idea of you not being here.
Your my rylee my lovey my puppy
my baby number 2,
afterall hunny hunny bunny
baby bru came before you;
I miss your whimpering as much as it broke my heart,
I was attentive and ready to provide all that i could
for the nurturing you need
The feeling of the sharpness of your puppy teeth
as you used me as your chew toy;
any moving object became your object -
I loved every second of it.
I love you Rylee boo, I do I do I do
From the sole bottom of my heart
to the second were apart -
You have my heart .
Your my baby
my joy
My light beneath the miserable heat
this distance so deep
Slowly digs steep-
Will soon be gone;
There will be nothing left to long for;
because I will soon have you

its okay its alright
just fall asleep
isnt that ideal
better put, it is desired
the tock of the clock
the click and clack of my mac
the seconds closer to the suns warmth
and the perplexed discomfort of my
frail fringed tensed tissues;
The desire for a dream
Its been long sense Ive seen,
I feel however full of life -
energy, *****, and ready to ignite
It is the strangest thing
but the things that are strange
is those that are like a dream

Zen.
Never have I felt it,
Quite as much as I do now;
As the hours pass on,
And the nights pass quicker,
I am positive-
That all the toxic filled problems
that haunted me day after day-
Are finally coming to shore;
To slowly be brushed back into the sea,
Forever and Eternity,
Just as they once were.

If it is just a statistic-
Than why can't we fix it?

Terrifying.
Yet Undenying-

So many try it
I can't fight it?

experience one moment that can create the ver forgetables
begin the memorys that escape the ordinary and outstep the extrodinary
soak it all in
In hopes to never feel it again
make it matter for the morning isnt neccesarily near

Standby
Fade Away
Dream the Night Away
Seize the Day
Every Second In Every Hour
More and More
Less and Less
Be that Girl
Just a Little Less
Mischivious

pace the process
pick the mind
act out; retalliate
sit down soak it up
evaluate

Synical Sarcasm On Such a Serious Saturday In Simple Sacramento-
See The Signs Of The Sad Sorrow and Sorry
Than Decide - If Its Worth Shame
and The Self Blame Than Play the game
If Not - Take the hit of self saturated fate

The recipe to comply - oh how the Ingrediants are Ever So Rare.
As my journey proceeds on- Ill prove to accumulate
More and More As I live on,
With the Simplicity of my personal reassurance  
I bid you adue - Good Luck On That search
For The Worlds Most Rare Ingredients

Incomplete spells defeat on what a winner Ive obviously proven to be -
This simple change shall make it known to be the most promising,
Dilemma That Has Yet to Happen to Me.

Exceptional IS not THE question -
However the QUESTION is Expected.
Unanswered AND Questionable-
Yet Quite.
The World Will Prevail everything but a Cynical Smile -
Assumed to be nothing more than a Warm
Substanial Permanent Luxury

Impact. Lead.
Ignorance is my Bliss
Be the You If Ill be The Me-
Between the Lines We read It is Clearly Not So Clean
As a Matter of  - - -
It Is *****, and Misleading
But Promising In all Actuality.

A depth so Deep
A black whole Could sink -
The Tunnel of troubles
A miracoulous devastatingly dysfunctional
trickle of life that will one day - eventually (hopefully)
be the day of all days in my 21 years to date

Sunset and Sunrise
No uncertainty-
Just a simple pure Energy;
Amongst us All, Beaneath the Ether, Over the horizon and throughout the hills-
Here I am comfortably as one
With myself.

She is Me.
Timid And textured-
So Unsure yet So Sure
Life is Unpredictable-
Unrehearsed
Never ending,
Yet So short.

I feel it
i sense it
Your all I feel
Its like as if nothing is...Your all it seems to be
at least in the world i live to witness -
despite it all
Im sorry
For being your downfall.

B lank.
A clean slate.
I  AM sorry,
Its Not Fate
Believe Me.
TRUST
The Intentions
Of All That is Happening
Is for the Ultimate test -
The Best And
Hopefully the Rest
Of Our Lives

Together.

not that I did or Have.

I can not help that its a problem
actually scratch that-

I can . I Need help -

Getting out is one solution.
Starting over.
Alone.
Is the solution.

i Need too/
Stop being ****** up
Let them go
Like they ALL have left you in the past

Its bearable
its usual

Im alone.
As god intended it to be
forever and more

Lets Just pretend that I Am Not there or here
the two of you.
and him.
The Perfect tones.
Hate,
Rejection,
Pure Disapointment -
Rehearsed so perfectly
you discuss the topic:
It is me.
Hanging on to my emotion by holding every ounce of air in my lungs so i can listen more clearly;
You say:
I am Hostile. Cold. Miserable. Self Centered. irresponsible. Disrespectful. Terrible.

THEY mention I was born into the WRONG family.
I am a thief.
I am a Liar.

You agree.
I stumble around, shaking my head frantically.
I KNOW that is not me.
I continue to listen - As If they DO NOT have any idea I am holding my heart as it is dropping.

let it.
make it'
who am i to fake it
all of it is so surreal
you and me.
go together,

like a dimond in the gutter

to feel what i do
is to count every grain of sand

known to man

to think the way i do
is to count every constallation in the vast dark skY

To respect my different theorys and beliefs, as a person rather than some outsider

makes me content
for
you make me feel as if everything in my worlds alright

A fret a frown
A cold set of souls
Five. If I wanted to be specific
A prayer a wish
a sink with everything but a clean dish
Your nonsense rules
The hate You all Preject-
So Far from wrong
So hateful beyond anyones worse dreams
Creaky disgust stained wood floors-
Unprotective walls -
Soundproof Is NOt existant
I hear what you all say
So Far from wrong

Broken Hinges
Encouragement so unsuccessful
It Lingers in all the corners -
God. This F A M I L Y
I promise you, IT is anything but That
I Am their Doormat -

So far From Wrong,
Every Second spent in this house
every breathe taken in this house
was a second too long
and is a gasp for air

Even a Bulldoser couldnt fix this .
Nothing In the world could ever
Make this family right.

Its the same old feeling
I cant help but feel
I am beginning to become
OBviously quite CLEARLY aware -
Shaking my head at how ever so OBlivious I was .

To how deceitful
How misleading
ANd how amazing
You just really are.
ITs an art form
A trickery of the trades.
One I am so sure to be passed on
from generation to generation
In YOUR coniving blood line.

I became a helpless victim
Convincing me what we had -
What we presently have
and what our ever so pretty future
should be filled with

YOu called it  love-
However, LOve should not be
cold
miserable
and tension filled

L O V E so spaced out
It will never come together
it will never be
what it should
You are the boy of the past
A figment of my once toxic filled dreams.

That is ex actly what you are to me.

Two choices. Two Roads
Stay Or GO
Failure Or Opportunity
IT is Unknown
I dont Create Fate
I certainly do not predict failure

IF I only I was a psychic of the future.

IF I stay-
MY unsuburban thrilled life might just be blessed with the simpleness that you bring -
But that is just Part time
However
If I GO-
MY life will be unknown, exciting and destined for failure or blessed for success - Perhaps it is the road less traveled that I should travel by

Potentially
I am beginning to see
The Man
You just might be
Maybe
As I begin to learn
Your Oh so Simple
Current Self
Is Just
A Mask
TO HIDE
The Past
BUT
If that Is so
I WONT
runaway
or
letgo
Ill Simply
Stay
Day By Day-
Ill UNDERSTAND
Grasp The truth,

Soak it In,

Simmer In The You I never knew -
And treasure every second
of the man you are today .

the better i get - it is
h
  a
     r
         d
            e
                r
it is to grasp

you want to tear me down
I always leave without a sound.
Its never me
But you make it me
I can never please you
Just as much as I can
Never stop hating you
Too much poison and confusion,
Its harder and harder
everysingle day

and theres no denying
I hate to feel this way
Im so used to it
Its all real
here I am again
summer after summer
***** and dusty
pale and thick
hot and sticky


withering away
getting bigger with hate
smaller with confidence
these words its all I feel
all I have

It wont amount to you

I could try to be just as bad as you
just as pathetic and worthless

I wont.

A slap in the face
a rush of pain
my hearts racing
pumping faster
like a frate train
Ease it
heal it
make it go away
end this pain
cure my hell
Ill pray forever
can you tell?

The Intelligence you posess
Is the beauty beyond all that Ive ever known
I am intrigued yet delicatley intimidated
My heart floats
You are the emphasis of everything that is right
for everytime Im lost,
There You are - Holding me comfortable
And ever so tight

Its only time
thats all we need
time is the essence of what we need
your what i breathe
your all I feel
Everything I see
Is Surrounded By you

I cant allow myself
to come to a logical
and reasonable explanation
I never meant to be
this deceitful hurtful disgusting
Person
But I was
I did things that even I cant understand
I pushed you away
I made you hurt for me till you hurt no more
yet for the reasons beyond any
your still in my life
Your still the one I love
and the one I cant deny
I want every second wth you

Let me Blow your mind
You and I
All we are
Is just that-
All we have is time.
Together,
WE make the most beautiful oras,
So Unique - You and I
A Technique I call Love
You Always Blow my mind.

So Much Of it Covers the Vast grounds of the world-
It is the floormat to the deep blue seas that I never go near,
For I Once fear the Mystery of the Unknown.

T u r n
Off the light
So you can see my dreams
But if you look close enough-
You will see...
No light is even on
Afterall,
Its already Sunny and bright-
You heat up my heart,
And light my Sun,
You are my Sky
You are my Moon and My Stars-
You make up My Entire
Solar System.

You MAkE the beauty In My life
Through my eyes-
You ARE the Beauty in my life.

Its happened Its here
My Dreaded days of disgust
Feel as if they might just dissapear-
I am so in love with him
Yes, it feels so good to say it
It is you my babyLove
My dear

Everything I have built up
And let out
You were there
You listened-
It was You who chased my pain
All the way to the finish line
I am so In love with you

I really can imagine-
what it would be like
to live in a home
where there is no love warmth compassion affection
rights equality truth love sympathy freedom believing and dreaming
because the truth is my dear
Its a life ive been blessed with-- from an optomists perspective.
Life.
It wont get the best of me.
Ill learn from there fuckups and toxic wrong doings.
If I should make it to produce offspring of some sort--
I know I will shower them in More love than I have ever felt in 21 years
They will be able to confide, love, dream, speak, be honest, respect and talk to me
face to face.

GOES
hand in hand  
with being bad.
Living a GOOD life
will follow from
living a toxicly
hazardous life.

"I live in a cacoon opposite of cancun"

Its right. I lie
Everything is wrong
Plain and Simple
This is all going to change
give it time
one day at a time.
Do what I can to stay alive
Emotionally
Im shattered and broken
But
All thats broken can be fixed

Pleaase grant me one long eternity of sleep.
Let me fall asleep entranced in a world of dreams and wishes
Swimming in the seas and flying through the skys
Counting the stars and flying kites
Silence so perfect it felt so unreal
Was the pray that I used to repeat nightly.
It was a simple request to an easy way out
I didnt want to quite
but It felt selfish for me
To continue living a life
that I didnt want.
Ive  been chosen
to continue living
for whatever reason
theres a plan
not a misunderstanding
I take everyday for what I can
although its full of alot of uselessness
I cant let myself be like that.

My Life.
Your Understanding.
So Different.
Understanding will take an eternity
Your outlook isnt going to help you see
It wont put my world through your eyes any more clear
Just more fog to add to the haze.

All so familiar
So suffocating
Yet Ive become
So used to it
Its the typical
just another day in the life
something
nothing
another day lived
is another battle won

self reliant
independent

realistic

real

everything

****** up
and right

but mostly wrong

made me everything i am know

which is bigger than strong.

anticipating this big step
eager to start
i know the distance between us
wont intertwine
you will be calm and collected
ill be at piece with my mind
i wont look back at the
what was left behind
ill sit and smile
and anticipate our tomorow.

Ive got some issues that nobody can see
but all of these emotions are pouring out of me
this is the soundtrack to my life...

For what its worth.
Just watch me
Pretend to feel
Ill tell you Im okay
When all is going good
Its going great
But once you leave
Im back to it all over again
Reality.
It hurts
You say you get it
You understand
You dont
You can not
I promise you
This is pain depicted
from a first person point of view

wanted anyone to hurt for me
to feel what i feel
to love me so much they feel pain
i have never wanted that
to let yourself in
was my fault
i let you in
despite how much i restrained
i gave in
and now you hurt
i never meant too.

Here and now.
Right now
not than
its night
humid
depressing
cloudy not hazy
i love him
im afraid
here i go again
its crazy its insane
i dont know
thats just it
i do

I like the way it hurts
I love the way you think
Thats okay
I love the way you lie.
Love Is crazy
Insane.

Ive always promised it was over
Convinced myself every time
Your wrong for me
It wont ever be

Every tear dropped was proof of insanity
I am stronger than the pain
resisting it all
It revolves around me

Look at you now
so much more different
Yet the same old pain
I mask it and put it in the past

Your lies are irresistible
I cant contain myself