im doing it again
another late night
hidden behind tears and polyvore

another month has passed
7 more days and ill be 22
its no surprise
i am still in love with you

but here i am
still wondering why i am here

through the clouds
over my head
beneath my toes
a feeling
opposite of good
but worse than bad

more terrible than the last ex
i lost everything

even the one person
who loved me

for me

ive done it this time further than ever before
who  cares -
i am completly alone
in my head and in my soul

so fried and flicked
******* and ticked

trapped in my own head
insanity has captivated my mind

its me
im the one with the problems

or is this just another life lesson
taught down on my journey  of life.

i had it all but hated it overall
it took this one time where i thought having no mall
was the worst thing of them all
b ut boy oh how i was wrongly  mistaken.

The sky is so lit with silver diamonds shimmering in the night sky
so pretty so prestine
why oh why cant this just be one big bad dream
alone in isolation
forced to learn
how to grow up
and not to be the ***** from so cal
who loves me
but doesnt respect me
yet is so protective of me from other guys
but no from his choice violent choice of words
from the little boy with one big ego

delusional
fuzzy in the brain
i think im going insane

tap water is toxic
nothing to drink
i cant float so i might as well sink

right or left
am or pm
i hate being given ultamatums

this is the truth
no wait its a lie
actually as a matter a fact its a big fat lie

im so happy
life is so grand
i hope this illness and insanity **** me 6 feet under the ground

silence in the library
the stillness of the air
the creepy crawl in the pit of my stomach
mixed with the continuous pinching presumes
you hope they dont stare

dying
is not scary

living every day not knowing how tomorow will be
is much more scary

I hate the unknown
and how much it stings

If i cried
you would be here.

i wish i could have it back

You were all I wanted.
Everything I dreamt
All I needed.
IT came to a dribbling end.
I tried moving on
I tried Everything.
Nothing
except you.
You were still there

Sleep
Its all I want
but never get
I dont deserve the things I want
its self punishment
for being
a discraceful
disgusting

person
who does not deserve a single second of a puff of air
let alone a night of rest.

here I am
Ive made it
to some degree
I am proud
still rather loud
despite the disgust
the unhappiness
the sorrow and the toxicness
that once filled my life
just as much as it filled the overpopulated air,
I am able to walk tall and proud

For this is my time
for once in my life

lack of the salty sea breeze
and the  buzzing of the sweet hunny bees and the chirping of the birds singing in the trees.
getting an A plus
or failing the test
in my household its the same.
apologizing for being wrong
is a habit ive proven to yet break;
im from the beach but now i live bY the bay
i like to see my world in different ways.

im scared.
But  "I know I will be okay... "

(The quote that seems to make it all okay in the mind of Kimmy)

the seconds till sun sets feels like a lifetime.
I hear the whistle, but dont have that kick.
I feel the pressure; but there's no release

my break time, has turned into lunchtime and my style has changed from super so cal cute to what the **** am i doing out here?

i seriously contimplate playing with death. i think to myself how id do it and what the aftermouth could be.

its as if my skin is crawling with uncomfortableness.

this city isnt for me. im not for me.
i know who i am.
what i enjoy.
what is wrong and what is right.

but oftenly enough, my behavior has trashed all previous  teachings once learned. I cant take myself seriously i cant take life seriously. I am in a relationship that is remaining consistant because its one less thing to add to my table platter of life.

sometimes i wish i could just walk away after being served, but it just doesnt work that w ay. I get that.

lazy and lathargic
**** thats how i hated being
(yet its my hobby so it seems)
oh fancy me,
stop the show and drop the act.
slender or thick,
drop dead or barely at a six,
I promise internally emotionally and physically -
Ill be okay; and the harder It gets the stronger i become.

lazy and lathargic
**** thats how i hated being
(yet its my hobby so it seems)
oh fancy me,
stop the show and drop the act.
slender or thick,
drop dead or barely at a six,
I promise internally emotionally and physically -
Ill be okay; and the harder It gets the stronger i become.

left over yeah no worries
bad gas mileage
humid hot air surrounded in the scene
substitute palm trees for farm cattle

every day i dream.
waiting for the day,
telling myself its okay,
one day it will come true.

my situation as of present day:

.Finally. It could still be.
I wanted to be devoted
simply yours and only yours,
I was in love.
so self absorbed in your skin
I wish I was in your soul
lost in your eyes
with every blink of your b eautiful blues
I see what you see,
The life you and I used to talk about.

the pages are blank bulk and empty.
my mind.
forced with the temptation to reminsce
on the joys and smiles that we shared
made with the memories
ill treasure for ever
in the dreams ill dream upon slumber.

you are stilll apart of me every single day
and behind the miles apart and the struggles and tests we haved faced together; a friendship built upon trust and chance ruined; forever my greatest regret.

the pages are blank bulk and empty.
my mind.
forced with the temptation to reminsce
on the joys and smiles that we shared
made with the memories
ill treasure for ever
in the dreams ill dream upon slumber.

you are stilll apart of me every single day
and behind the miles apart and the struggles and tests we haved faced together; a friendship built upon trust and chance ruined; forever my greatest regret.

a new town
I am scared and want to turn around
I am looking back-
A major fear, I am on a new track

What is tomorow to bring?
Im in the dark
After a deep breath in
And a sigh of relief

Im on a new Chapter
Of my new start.

Five sixteen am
Here I am again
No Sleep Yet
Oh Ps; There is no bet

The Feeling of Expression
The Use of Words
A sense of Relief
Rushing from my head
IN your bed
I wonder what Your dreaming,
I know I love You
And You Love me

Our Relationship will be
As god intends it to be

A secon chance

The second Act

The flash of the night

Taking over the sun lit sky

Transforming right in front of my eyes

Loosing Control

Needing to GO

Being alone,

time after time again

Realizing It's Ok

For Thats Just who I am

From Smog and Snooty Stairs

To Humid Summer Air

Palm Trees And Sand

To Desolute Miles of Farm Land

Wondering when and If It'd End

To Praying I could be back home again

A new age A new stage

Coming together    

Forming a Reason

Forming a Person

and A self Esteem

Prep,
Plan,
Dream. Achieve-
Go than get-
Nice whip.
Please And Play,
Pray Everyday.
Learn to cook,
Rock A look.
Hit the gym, go for a swim.
Turn Proving them wrong,
Factual.
Believing in the UNbeliavable'
Going the limit,
Taking the lead
This life is so extrordinary

all of this
once again
seems to be
another bad begining again


same problems
different location

isolation from the world
fear of the moon
and even the sun light
this is daily

a boyfriend
who isnt even a friend
simply a little boy

who met me in the peak of the turning
but really it was me who gave in
emotionally scared

and forever questioning

fragile
violet
purple and grey

listening
aqua
fusia and green

confused
yellow
brown and blue

music
loud
charging and sleeping

guilty
crying
supressed and depressed

I am not this girl
all over again
sprawled passed out
on her bathroom floor

You are him
you are the one for me,
I am sorry its been years.
All the tears
of the fears of being hurt by you haunted me -
day in and day out      ;

added with all the drops of rain
from the struggling nights of our pain
questioning us, him, you, me and what we should be ...
mixed together
equals
I know that you and I will make it together
Forver.

quiet the contarary
i did it
i failed
i felll on the ground
of the addicting retail pit of helll

california
gracious and prestiges
inadvertantly
equally overcrowded
the water the sand
the brisk breeze
i miss you
you squeeze my hand
I want to scream
this is the facts
i want him back
the trees
the unfriendly cold
makes me yern
for your love

my dreams
too many to keep count of
float through my conciounce
every second despite being awake,
I question just as much as ever

what a fluzee
excuse me
interject the topic
that most needs discussion
take the lead
your you
yet im still me,
not now or forever.
time might be looked at as wasted,
i look at time
being forever to precious to sit and wait
while i boil with hate.

And the Piece of paper
not even worth being named
so unIMPORTANT
thats what ill scribble
my name on

its my turn to get congratulated
ill be more real
a little bit specific
congratuHATED.

I am ashamed.

ashamed of being associated with the reflection
trying to keep myself from the world
when I just want to get away
forever
from myself

its like what the ****
can i plan to wreck
obviously subconciously
beneath my distracted eyes
ill make my move
ill plan it steatlthly
so quant and quiet
youll wonder how you'll ever miss me

but in the end
Youll hate the idea of ever knowning me.

From Everything Ive felt

through it all

Its not enough

every ounce of hurt

layered in more hurt

than smothered with hate

this is it

the emotion that hits every level of pain

The end to being relieved of pain

is killing my self slowly

a million seasons
could pass
and for the last mass on a very special sunday in the fall
for just a few seconds
if you listen carefully down the halls
the white and black keys press firmly on the grand piano  in the center of us all
as you slowly sip the gin'
you begin to obviously grin
a smirk a smile short about a mile to thiin

i breathe your scent
masked under **** and cigarette buds

your the one my hearts requesting
forwarded with a can i have my turn again

life doesnt care
-
Unfortunettly theres no return policy.

how the past is a vast reflection of today
i am a girl
the one y ouloved
the one he loved
and the one the next will love
my heart is too big
I am too shallow
you buried this dungeon
with no plan for tomorow

Assumed. led to consumed
Consumed led to commited
you found what you assumed
by the drive of drama driven commitement
to the doorway of  undesirable.
now im on the last road home
that seems the most obvious
isnt the road to home at all
it wont be till mid august
maybe by than you will understand
who I am
What I do
Where I go
and with who
may seem scandalous;
however if you analyze it a lot more clear'
the assumptions assumed
will be obvious

Fright
fear
not even a tear
here
near
wrong or wright
right?
Forget the past
Just live it as if every days crystal clear
yah, pretend its now
live in the future.
Not even close
**** it Im not like most

i want to go home
i hate this i want out
im over it
ive experienced all i needed
all i want
all i need
baby in the dark
you cant see shiny cars
stupid quote
from that stupid song
my life is one big combination
of lyrics
that fit together to make the best
piece of nonsense

i dont feel it
so whats the point
in or out
yah
**** this
there it is
all doubt
once again
here
alone with myself
Ive made it
barely
but worse
No one
nothing
whats the use
Theres no point
I am a lie
within myself.

Its all ive ever faced.
I am waiting
second by second
day after night
morning after dawn

here i am.
alone and hot
miserable despite the depart
is it me?

it has to be.
have i cursed myself  
beyond the depths of any resolution

why the weather

makes me scared to enjoy

the udder happyness
that potentially is visible

behind these fake frowns

This life
This second
Pases by like fraight trains over never ending tracks;
and the endless miles of  big rigs on the interstate

This life
This minute
Dwindles away like the drop of rain off a leaf right after the rain
And the  harsh realization

That this is'nt home- It's not even close
Home was better; Much warmer despite all the negative exposures of the past

every moment every ounce of emotion

burrows within
like the rats in your wall.
and the coldness in your soul.

clouds
they mesmerize me

everything high above
from the seagulls the palm trees
to the highest peaks

the beauty so captivating

its haunting

through out my journey of self exploritary

patient and quiet
i hear the wind

i think to myself
how proud

somewhere out there
high above is a shooting star

i am transitioning
into greatness

You are to me;
What honey is to a bee;
The simplicity of the pollinating of nectar,
From flower to flower,
Comes the idea of working together-
Because not having one with out the other,
Is Like counting the sea shells without the shore.

You are him;
My dreams are of You.
My minds imagination plays out the days,
Of what we used to know.
The slow paced seconds spent,
In a fast paced world.
All that mattered,
was that we were together-
We had each other.
All I see currently,
Behind my new window of reality,
Are the days spent without you
and how I'd give anything,
to be solely surrounded by just you.
Truth be told,
Your beautiful face Is with me;
Every second of every day,
You are the only thing that lingers
On my imaginative brain.
Of all the smiles,
And every grin I've Come to see,
Not one could ever compare to that of yours.
You are the most handsome of all the men walking this planet,
and to be the one Ive ever Come to have Loved.
Jack, you are my everything,
My entire existence as I know it;
The foundation that fuels my burning passion,
The undying, never denying, blissfully simple,
Sweet like candy, Soft like cotton,
And as astonishing,
as your eyes staring me away on the prettiest of all days;
Forever in my heart,
You my darling
Have truly Won my heart.

through all the nights in my life spent apart,
I look above in the darkness that surrounds,
I catch a glimpse and see the gleaming
of a crescent shaped moon;
I mutter under my breath
"there is a t-rex on the moon..."
I shake my head so foolishly...
Only you would understand.
I tilt my head up,
so Im able to gaze more deeply
Looking at the vast sea of stars dancing above me,
I try to count them twinkling as if perfectly
synchronized -
I tremble, breathe heavily, than catch my breath,
Realizing that your always my wish.
Even when it's not eleven - eleven.

my heart flutters
with just the thought of you-
in a way comparable to a butterfly's flutter,
a more comparable description:
a clear nights sky
simple and clean
so pristine.

how can i let myself be in this same boat
the sharpness
of the same knife
dug so deep;
so slowly
all i feel is pain.
its my fault
im to blame
i need to walk away