I guess its proven to be
just as we exactly wanted it to be
except there isnt us.

another year another tear
a fear of what i feel
and how Im able to live with myself
behind a shadow of guilt
im able to wake up -- everyday and smile
and wonder to myself and think;
how it would be great to hear your voice
and be able to tell you that im sorry
and im sorry for the lies that hurt you-
and im sorry that the reason I lost you,
was to better myself and be this better me; hand in hand next to you.

Fate
its impossible --- so they say
Im a mircle baby
so illl make it happen

just watch me. stand  there eye me up and down, feel free, judge me
try to belittle me and abuse me

Take a look
but beware
not to stare
as its unfair
uncomfortable and moist
luckily theres no hair on the palm
so tragic and calm ---

imagine the flood
replaced with blood
dark and deep
red, hot with heat-
the air so cold
chilly and dark
isolated with questions
silenty ignored ;
just another victim
left with a
a broken heart.

replaced my ignorance with

august- a struggle beneath a mess a face obvious to stress.
september- the summer heat is sticky grosse and u
october - partying fun molly and making out still in love so confused under the spell of this party drug he introduced to me
november- rough and rocky. the part of my life that seemed to be so obvious and prroven that it was too good to be true
december - cold. christmas lights and doubt. a trip bachk home for a week that lasted way to long  ; a trip to washington . who am i becoming.
january - a new year a rave at a highschool like venue a tiny parachute of molly and **** ciggareets and greeed this girl in the mirror, what am i doing.
february- nothing great a part time gig at a floral shop and  a confusion of many things, a list so long it would read all the way to the sun
MARCH - the  first at midnight  12:13 to be precise konstantine is playing

oh yuh
***** dubstep bumping like an 808
partying like a rockstar

marijuana molly ***** nyquil ativan adarall
baby bash
waka flocka bumping super H E L L - UH loud
the party downstairs

will be raging with under age kids all night -
here we go again

the peeping land lord- and the drunnk guy outside my bathroom
the sketchy anti social other room mate
the 2nd story appt
and the kids downstairs partying like i did when i was 19


wait a minute

i am way to old for this ****

no advil - my brain is swollen and throbbing so often its uncommon

its dejavu

perhaps even karma

i guess i should take the blame

and apologize -

just so things will be

erased, than put in the past

and a clean slate will emerge

one more time

in this vicious cycle ive commited myself too

my  heart
my head
throb with confusion
and question my existance

the life im living
the women im becoming
im not quite sure

you would recognize her

please excuse the lack of capitalization
dreaming
i need to sleep
i know i do
i need to eat
i need advice
i need my old life back
minus the problems with my parents
and a different residence obviously near