Leaves are my
green corset,
they flutter to
the dance of
the wind.

My book
feels empty.

There are
no words.

I press the
flower into
the pages.

I blink.

My eyes open
fully dilated.

I can see words.
the ink fades and
splurges red
into the corner
of the page.

Why do I feel lost?
the spirits
pass through
my dark
skull shape
heart.

I don’t feel
I can’t write
my heart
feels cold
my fingers hold
the rusty
pen of steel.  

I don’t know
the question?
I take a pill
Life’s only cure:
that inner remedy
What’s wrong
What is right?
I lose the lesson.


Losing more of myself
drowning in the
murky water:

Just can’t win...
life’s a fight:
a game of chance
to the bitter end.

The next time we met he arranged it for the park told me I must go otherwise he will show the pics;
I was a bit hesistant from the meeting before, but felt I had very little choice in the matter at the time. Ended up meeting him we walked around the park until we could find a quiet spot where he knew where we would not get bothered. He started again by taking my top off  again and ******* on my ******* I felt uncomfortable with the idea of doing anything outside in the public at first the cold wind was making my ******* *****. He slid his hands down my ***** and was playing with it quite rough and firm with his hands. Then told me to unzip his trousers and start rubbing his **** then asked me nicely
“can you **** my **** again please”
I tried to say no again
but this time he grabbed my hair and back of my head kept pushing my head forward towards his ****

“You will do it, otherwise you know what will happen”

After ******* his **** and making him *** he ordered to swallow and was getting more angry as I kept spitting it out, the gagging sensation was making me feel sick.

But just as I was about to leave as I had enough, he switched on his nicer personality and begged me to stay with him; he wanted to have **** *** with me this time but I didn't feel so comfortable with the idea. He grabbed his **** and pushed it into my ***. I felt a huge tinge of pain; I begged him to stop as it didn't feel right He kept going to the point where I started to cry from the pain; his *** was filling me up further he told me that I belong to him now and whatever he wants to do I must do as I was his servant and he was my master. He said from now on I was his ***** and kept on calling me it and If I protested with the idea of giving him what he wanted he quickly showed me the pic he had of me before and that only made me wince  even more.

You were an hot swirling vortex
raining down fire sprouting
out the sky the floating sunset
shining light across the murky
water. You lit up gardens
with red splodges of paint.
Summer rises up the streets:
warming up the air,
flowers are sprouting:
birds sing
flutes are playing
the seeds are about to sow

I don't want
to feel this
way no more.

A huge dark
cloud floats
it sways
exploding with
ice and thunder
sprays
darkens up
my sunny days.

I can see eyes
they pop out
of skull bruised
and torn .

I can hear terrible
screams of sirens
calling out my name.

Their flesh crawling
closer to my face
sweat and fear
makes me shake.

I wish I knew
what went wrong
darkness in the
horizon sinks
the ship's course
colliding with my
battered heart,
its feeling darker
than before.

All I can muster
up is a grim smile.
Happiness and Love
fell apart.
Dignity and Pride
came too late.

I wish I can feel
the golden shine
of a hundred spring
days. The barks of
puppies, aroma
of rose and the warmest
smile of a stranger.

True happiness is
a gem to show:
the very seeds of
life I want to sow.

The shadows leech
upon my body.
I can hear them.
Their mouth foams.
I feel them slice:
they lick and fight
for my affection,
******* up my dried heart
to emptiness.
I can see the blood stain walls:
sharpening up my axe
I cut their tongues.

I can't bear to hear voices.

I want to hear silence!!

Never knew why I could not express my emotions;
could never show anger or excitement
unless I was really stimulated or wired.
I knew the emotions were running inside
as much as I really tried to project them
I just could not show them
people thought
I had something to hide
or just plain inconsiderate
if you knew me you would know
its the complete opposite
just not true about me
whether I sound unenthusiastic or visually somewhere
in a different state of mind:
I do care
and interested in what you are saying
there is something out there
trying to confuse the way I want to say things
or distracting me
wanted more than anything to show how I feel
to people so they couldn't accuse me of being false
or just a lifeless a robot;
i'ts frustrating
not everyone will always gets me
my tone of voice can fall flat
feel dead and lifeless
never changing my ****** expressions
its like having an constant botox
injection sealed to your mouth and eyes

Being autistic can be hard sometimes
not being able to control your
hand and body movements
it does this automatically for you.
Light and sound in a room
can really affect me too
everything is way too intense
sending me visually
out of focus, can't always
focus for long on other people
too without feeling nervous and uneasy  
I feel I'm not always in control
of what comes out my mouth
and feel like something is constantly
sabotaging my thoughts
everything is distorted jumbled and
sometimes comes out backwards
occasionally repeating
things I've said a hour a go.
I can't even always control my volume
of my voice its either too quiet
or becomes far too loud.

I kept thinking I really must be broken
Why can't I switch off
wish my brain would shut up
all I do is annoy
everyone in the room.

However I realise as frustrating living with autism
can be I'm not in fact completely broken
it does have its quirks
I found i'm very self absorbed
with time so always punctual.
Really creative and intelligent
especially with topics of my choice
I hyper focus I love to research
love to write and read
i'm a problem solver and try to
be logical look at things in another way
but never accuse me of having
no emotion as that is not true
can't always be the way
people expect me to be.

Do not touch
what don't belong to you
my things are my  self worth
and pride

Drunk man took my hat
show some respect;
could see he was the ****
didn't laugh
told him... give the hat back
you just don't do that
unless of course
you were looking
for the slap.

I could hear Alex
voice in my head
grunt and curse
tempers sway, fists
getting ready to fly.
I take control
have a cool down
moment to think, 
I'll leave the fight,
it ain't worth it
not take the bait
lets just call it a night
leave the pub with
my dignity
and respect intact
face still in one piece
before this could get worst.

When people keep telling me about why I should
consider moving to a new flat
it just all upsets and angers me,
there are many new things and arrangements
that my brain would have to get use to around me
other than of course me and Sophie feeling safe.
What would my neighbours be like?
whether they will be more quieter or noisier every night.
Whether the place will be too hot or cold
my last flat had a lot of damp which turned into mould;
and affected my breathing and health.
What will the people be like in the local area too?
whether they would be friendly
or unkind when they are talking to me.
Then I would have all my things in my place all rearranged and
moved around again.
I do not wish to move as I finally feel comfortable
I have never felt settled and happy much
as I have been moved from place to place since I was a child.
I have finally in my 3 and bit years found a place that I enjoy living
at and me and Sophie can call our home.
I always put my foot down with my decision over the last 3 years as
Sophie and me are both happy here;
I want her to feel settled in this space.
She will know all her friends and be comfortable when she attends
school which is not far walking distance from our home.
The bus routes are more accessible for us both too we can
eventually travel to the nearby city or town when we both feeling
better and when its needed.
Life is not about having bigger houses as the larger the space the
more isolated and empty you feel,
my family had a large 5 bedroom house when I was a teenager
it always made me feel so lonely and unhappy;
the close connection as a family unit of 4
was no longer there it felt as if it all drifted apart,
we kept to our rooms and we lost the connection that we had
as we were all growing older moving on with all our lives.
My memory in my brain is foggy down to my cyst
I do still remember the happy feelings from time to time
and still smile and have a laugh the main thing is we
keep in touch with one another by phone, video call
and see each other for a catch up every now and then.
Moving to a new place made my personality unstable growing up
as I never knew or felt I ever belonged anywhere and finally I feel a
sense of calm and purpose that this place is now my home I love
the place I live at and Sophie enjoys it too and that is all that really
all that matters in life.
I don't live my life for material possessions or bigger properties.
I am all about feeling comfortable, safe and being real to myself.
Our happiness and good family memories are the main thing we
all share and you never really know what will happen in the future
so you have to make the most of it and enjoy every minute of your
life no matter how difficult it can be.
I want the best for Sophie to get a good education behind her but
more to learn all her important life skills so she can learn to survive.
Having a good education helps in life but she doesn't need a
degree to impress me or Vern she just needs to be happy and have
dreams in life that she wants to follow. I will support her wherever I
can same as vern and the family too. I want her to enjoy life as
being happy and stable is the most important thing not having lots
of money and cutting yourself from other people.
I value human connections and nature way more than money as it
makes me feel happy. I will do the best I can for myself, Vern, my
family and of course Sophie but this is why I put my foot down.

I don't want to move to a new place I am finally feeling settled,
calm and more at peace as this is me and Sophies home.
I feel more comfortable and I am very happy here
and Sophie is too. I may consider moving to a house one day
but more when Sophie is a teenager as she will need more space
it will always be a 2 bedroom and I only will move
if its still situated in the same area.

Moving is a big change in life I don't want Sophie
to feel unsettled she will make friends as she goes school
I want her to keep all that for as long as possible
I want her to achieve all her dreams in life too.
This is why I will not move for a very long time
I am very happy here and this is what we call our home.

The dark clouds
fade  through
the crystal stream.

Air floating up
into flames.

A bird rises
above the ashes
glides through the
trees:

smoking up the heavens.

Every direction I can
see white lights, red eyes
and and set of teeth
grinding into my flesh,

An old woman
appears with a note and a
bunch of flowers
reading the words
"for dead must fall"

Cyber bullies stop picking on me because I can't always speak, write or read as well as you can.

One of these days I will prove you all wrong and really improve all my skills enough to do well again in life: then you will  be feeling like the hugest idiot in life and not me.

Stop making my life hell.

The cyber bullies are really the weak ones.

They have their own insecurities I can tell.

I am an really nice lady you just really need to take the time to really get to know me.

I really just want respect, friendship and love in this world.

I never really hurt anyone intentionally but other people have actually really hurt me.

I really just want myself and other people to be happy.

I don't want no more threats from you cyber bullies.

All day you hide your true identity behind that screen.

I'm sick of you cyber bullies  constantly laughing at my comments.

I really just had enough of  the cyber bullies.

Why have you got be so mean?

Living with migraines every day is already an huge  punishment enough for me.

I would not even wish this pain and sadness on my worst enemy.

I will keep trying every day to get better.

I will ignore all the negativity and  the pain that you cyber bullies  have all caused me from this very day.

I use to enjoy our pub chats,
sipping shot of gin and tonics
and 3 pints of 1664's and another
shot of whiskey,
we were set laughing,
talking about punk,
squats and art deco
and singing badly
to the karaoke machine.

You always put a
smile on my face
even though you
knew death was
what was coming,
can see it in your eyes
holding in the tears
you knew you
couldn't win this fight.

LIFE was cruel to you;
you never deserved
the punishment
you every day endured,
you taught me much.

Don't ever live life how
they want you to be
find your happy place
slow yourself down KIMMY
really concentrate and take
everything in
you'll be great
forget relationshits
they hold you back.

Most people are mean
and unkind ,
kept telling him
not everyone is bad,
there is good in
everything that
crosses the path.

He grunted and laughed
you'll see one day, kid
your daft but i like you all the same,
you are sweet KIMMY and one of a kind!

He could see the pain in my eyes too;
I have many mental scars
they take years to heal
enduring them
made me strong
know I'm wrong
maybe sometimes.  

I still appreciate your words
you never sugar coat
told me your TRUTH
didn't believe in lies
always had your dog
by your side.

I will only give
out the two finger
salute of *******
if anyone deserved,
my mate would laugh
like your style KIMMY
you got *****...
love your comedic quips
and tips
you showed me that
Art can be made from
any recycled resources
make most of
what you have
a true artist is a
visionary can
make anything
and regenerate
its inner beauty.

before you passed on
had dreams with the number 3
dark scary ones at night,
gave me a huge fright
something bad is happening,
but weren't sure what it was
just a gut feeling my nan
would say, woke up
feeling like death
with shakes and sweats  

find out a few days later
my gut wasn't wrong
you were laying in hospital,
week later  you passed on
couldn't control the tears
was in shock,
wished i could have
given you a massive
hug and real goodbye,

you and your dog
entered the rainbow
bridge the same time.

Miss you both every day,  
your artwork makes me smile
and i owe you a huge thank you
for being there and being a good friend
glad we did get to meet in LIFE
your such amazing spirits hope
you get to find the inner peace
you were looking for and deserved.

Red and pink
ember aura
now radiating from
both our physical bodies.
I can see
room turn dark
and into blackness
for a moment
entering into the
realm of unknown
then All I see is your warm
glow and grin,
feel your arms
stretch and
comfort around me.
The room heating
up, feeling sweats
but feeling the
intense energy flow
that shared around ,
bodies heating up
and touching like
magnets, making contact
with eyes and mouth
firing up around each other,
to a point where
energy has crossed over
to one another
making new LIFE

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
I'm getting better as a mum;
working on my fitness
so I can run with
my little lady when
she's older and we can
go out and play.
I'm learning to flex,
my creative sights.
Reading and talking to her
singing funny nursery rhymes .

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

I want her to smile and laugh
that's my mummy up there
flexing her hands to the mike.
I'm finally learning to get her clothes
and ***** on right,
making sure her feeds are on time.


Always found learning
practical tasks difficult
to master; its a challenge
every day to live
with dyspraxia.
I will get there in
my own special way.

When i've built my strength up;
I can take her out
in her pram for the day.
Enjoying the sunshine,
grand adventures in
the great outdoors,
exploring nature and woods.

Or we can explore how
chocolate is made.
Explore the gravity rush
adrenaline thrill
of theme park rides,
the possibilities
are endless and fun,
being a full time mum.

Sophie Rose my little angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

When she gets older;
I want to be seen as her
mother, a guide,
friend and teacher
in Life not here to
restrain and stop her
doing the things she loves
but there will be some
guidelines to keep
her safe; I want her to learn
and keep moving forward when
she makes mistakes
something I've always
found tough also  learn to clean
fend for herself when
Life gets rough.

Sophie Rose my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

Eloquently the butterfly
swirls into the immortal sky,
clouds form into emerging
eyes, observing the gentle
rhythm of the sea.

The oak tree standing
guard while the cherry
tree blossoms they sprout
out fruit, seeds and petals:
which decorates the forest
birthing new life
celebrating each day
the harmony
the spirit of life.

Brain bouncing off the walls,
moving at a fast pace,
generating questions it use to keeps flitting
between the past and what will happen in the future.
I enjoy the high where my brain stays in the present and moves into a meditative state even if it's just for half hour in a quiet state of consciousness.

No negative voices
constant brain chattering
and earth shaking hand jitters
just in the moment and rhythm of time
taking in what happens and
enjoying the simple things around me,
taking in the crisp calmness of the air I breathe,
warm hugs I feel and just what my eyes see.

Please respect
that I'm a lady
I don't wish to see
and be sent your **** pic,
it'll be ignored
and deleted.
I'm not interested
in visuals, amaze
me with wit and humor
and use of language.

Show me your worth my time,
want to delve
deep in your mind,
tell me more about
your passions.
what makes you tick
what makes you smile.

Next time you flirt and
***** talk stop and think
don't send another pic
its an instant let down,
immediately lose interest,
don't be another pest  
or just an egotistical *****:
have some respect
just talk to me nice
be polite
you'll go that extra mile.

Every day looking into the mirror
as an chameleon does to change
his or her shape and appearance
to fit into their surroundings.

Becoming two polar opposites,
two halves of the same coin:
both working against
each other in the same mind.
Causing confusion, never knowing
whether to swing or dive,
whether to run or hide.

The magnetism
of the cosmos aligns:
your energy pulsates
and flows through
your very being.

Your far away
at the same
time your near.

I am reading
each fragment,
each speck
of particle
of the universe.

We are but one,
our union binds
us together.

Energy of the twins
from the Gemini
star flows between us  

one being
one universe.

The reality is hitting home,
music is changing
all the time.
Music is being recorded and purchased
through the miracle of the wide web.

This is not a new phenomenon
you can learn and listen to
something new every day.

On one hand you
can make some great
beats even recording
on your mobile phone.

You can buy any instrument
you want to purchase through websites
pay any time and any where
you like
It will be posted
to your home.
No hassel,
no queues;
the small price and shame
is when you hear wonderful music places
are never the same!

In the early noughties
music shop's was the place to be
hook up for a day
sample and play
vinyl and records,
listen to new beats
play and buy an new instrument,
word of mouth about
new bands,  
connect for hours with other music fans
about what you enjoy
and what you like to hear play
on the airwaves.

It's different nowadays
we can promote
at the comfort of home,
connect through laptop
and phone screen.

Create band page's,
blogs, post online
reviews. Share video's
to broadcast the sounds,
and ideas to upcoming stages.

Hell yeah music will always be here,
there is no fear,
when there is local gigs, music clubs
and open mics, playing the music
all year taking you to new thrills,
higher heights,
keep that magic alive,
support your local music scene.

Being told your ill
from a child,
born with
internal conflict
and confusion

Head spinning
into constant
trances, dream
states.

Brain jumps,
going into a loop
mind adjusts
and increases volume

TEMPO, TEMPO
Loud irregular thoughts
echo and magnify
wish it would shut up
can hear voices
telling me things
I do not need to know.

At eight always a loner:
mute and on edge,
taunted in school
for being slow.

What people forget
is that I know a lot
of things, my mind
never forgets
******* and lies
people spread.

The body defends
fortress of steel,
brings on flight and fight
anger rages quick,
feel like a ticking clock.

Thumping out aloud,
brain is now intense
starts slow, quicker then
fast before you know it
lands the final blow,
before it drifts in and out
zoning and hearing peace.

Docs think they can cure and make me feel better,
come up with a solution to life's problems
assess me with another mental disorder,
put it to order with my letter and GP report along with my prescription, 100mg lamotrigine once a month medication
to numb the daily pain.
It feels like a gun shot to the brain!
Moods rising and falling caused by shock and trauma
what exactly happened mind was wiping out the physical and mental torture!

It doesn't quieten the voices if anything just eradicate my memory now I get blanks in my head
family and friends have to fill in the gaps and scenes
that are now missing. I become constantly hungry and incomplete numb feeding myself those pills to keep my emotions asleep, docile quiet and unfulfilled quivering with shakes and sweats
had to wait to collect my tabs at the medical centre
you know what one day I came into see my psychiatrist with a new perspective and conclusion meds can not cure me
their the brain's bicycle stabilisers to keep it trekking along
and not falling into the realm of unknown and into the great beyond but i know some natural remedies to alleviate me.

He nodded you've done research Miss Leiser. Your go far should go into teaching or be a therapy. Do you want to hear the 5 natural remedies to remember
1. acceptance of what has just happened can't be changed the horror of ****** trauma. I went through when I was 21 feeling helpless and weak, couldn't speak, was in shock!

Crying and feeling alone. I could either be the victim drowning myself in beer and punishing myself every year

letting him and the voices win blaming myself and living in guilt and fear that I could have acted and stopped it asked for help instead of suffering in silence

or be warrior that will overcome accept past is over, calm my anger and forgive the man that did this to me. Believe it or not he hasn't changed but I've been the better person by not reacting to the rage and negative voices -

*****, ****, *****.

At one point I wanted him to feel my pain and punch the ******* down and for him to do time for committing the crime. What would be the the point of seeking revenge it will only get the pigs on me and will the anger make me any better than him.
In the end I accepted an half hearted apology but whether he has learnt his lesson is unknown. I will let karma deal with him and he'll stay the **** away me will not let him or anyone get to me again!

No one will lead me astray  will not end up sick in the hospital or alone in the gutter. Don't let the haters bring you down, now changed my way of thinking - been keeping positive, ignore deception, ******* and lies.

2nd natural cure build my creativity write and help people with rhymes and build up moral and educate people on mental health and good decency. Making people laugh with sharp wit and tips.

Third remedy - exercising my body - walking in the sunshine eating good food and looking after my diet.  

and finally forth remedy  meditation and relaxation - cleansing my charkas, releasing the negative energy being made aware of the energy vampires that surround every day there the best cures you can master in order to get better faster.

It started with a couple of text exchanges and flirty messages online. Clover decided after a few weeks chatting she wanted to meet up with Tom. She wore a black dress and fishnet tights. They both decided to meet up in a local park for a chat and a smoke. They ended up talking about art, music and writing. Tom draws Clover closer to him wearing his lynx spray and waft of cigarettes. Coming nearer to her then looks at her with his gleaming eyes and said how are you sweetie? Hope you had a good day would you like me to massage you. He starts slow at first his hands stroking her tensed muscles.  She begins to kiss at the back of his neck then licking her slowly up and down pauses for a second before saying out quietly should we really be doing this here? Clover laughs and says no but doesn't it feel good trying something new. They both giggle and try and find a secluded spot. It's surrounded by wild flowers and butterflies roaming around. They end up kissing and licking all over their body. Clover slowly bites his neck and they start snogging each other feeding off each other. They are both feeling hungry at this point. Tom starts to venture slowly down her chest licking and kissing her *****.  She then kissed his back and licked his body up and down.  Tom then caressed her chest and kissed and ****** her *****, while she got down on one knee and ****** his ****. They then ride each other and take it steady both doing ******* from behind and then keep on going and proceed to finishing the final part of the main course.

Looks sweet to the taste,
but bitter mistress,
she torments
swept me of my feet
dancing with the demon,
that one last dance
poisons my insides,
you sure you want to take that sip?
I will leave you with no cash
you won't have the last laugh.  
I'll leave you with jitters and sweats,
wake up with no recollection
of what's been done and said
but a dizzy, nautious feeling
of everything closing in
There be no escape
waking up with a sore head
repeat, drink, sleep
exactly the same thing every day.  

I woke up once from her spell…
in a coma state half awake
half asleep sat alone in the dark
in a park with no idea of how
I've got there hearing
muffled voices  

feeling alone
cold, confused and scared,
figured I wouldn't be here
so I no longer had any fear.

Alcohol got her revenge...

she led me on the path
and left me again.

In life people roots split                     different directions.                                                         
which determine their future.                                              
They are the  tree roots that branch                                      
and grow out into the sky.

Life blooms only twice  

Spring is birth
                                                                ­        then Summer is fertility and love.
                                                      
Autumn is the fall of man.      
                                          
Winter is death.  
                                                              

Death plays games                                                          chose players at random.                                                    

Play the game of life and win,  

live and survive

or lose the game                                    

and lose everything.  

Some players cheat death games                                                         strike of deal                                                             ­   and gamble                                                          for  
fame                                                       
feed greed  

 which shortens
chances
of living
full
clean
life.

He was more demanding than ever after a few meetings with me things start to get much darker with him he announced some of the fantasies he had in mind for me. Telling me how much he really wanted to tie me up, rip off my clothes and then the final word rolled out his tongue…  I've actually always wanted to **** you baby. My blood went stone cold when he used those exact words. I didn't know what to say to that.  I grabbed a bottle of cider and drank the bottle to drown what I just heard
“Remember  baby you are my *****; and you serve me”
He kept mentioning of the pictures in some of my in box messages to remind me what will happen if I disobey him.
To him this was just an unfair game which he knew every rule to and that I will lose either way; I ended up turning to alcohol just to blot out some of the darker memories, it worked for a short while the taste of cider masked the taste and helped me sometimes to sleep or forget but the horrible memories of the day in the park came back to me like a bad penny.  The park was somewhere I went a lot while travelling in town so I couldn't escape unless I went through a completely different direction. In the end something inside me cracked open; I stopped caring about his threats as things couldn't have gone any worst  than they already have and I started confronting him about all the bad things that have happened as my way of dealing with the 7 year punishment I just endured and didn't deserve now feel more at peace with myself and getting there day by day but taking time to heal finally found my soul mate and feel more free inside also have a beautiful  daughter sign of the angels and help the right decisions in life when it comes to finding your soul mate and  dating men.

Believe me when I say this i've seen them all;

I'm now more wary of the players
the ones that make themselves look good,
make out their the real deal;
boast about the size of their ****
and about the way they look
but rarely these men commit;
they prone to cheat and play
callously with your heart.  

I'm more weary now of the narcissistic charmers
their acid tongue and good looks
might just fool you
into believing they love you
and that you have a chance with them;
then if you don't give into
their demands they make
you look bad; they blackmail
and lie to crush you

I'm more weary of the stalkers,
the guys that won't let go determined
to follow your every move
smoother and make you feel uncomfortable always
wanting to be in full control  
and won't allow you to see family and friends
not without them being present there with you.

I'm now more weary of the time wasters;
the ones that are not sure about
whether they want to commit to you
or stay with you for long only when
it suits them.

when I go for a man as my king I like a man
I can have a good banter with;
a man who loves the whole of me;
not just parts my body; someone that makes me
laugh and checks on me every day
to see if I'm doing okay.

It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.

Can't ever settle, either have far too much passion or not enough interest. How I'm suppose to know what you like best. Every relationshit got to me in the end and affected my smile.
I'm happier with being me just having support
of close friends and my family.
A full on commitment takes quite a bit of time to complete,
been on a few dates and quite a few people
I've had the chance to meet.

I'm turning 28 this year
it's never too early
or too late will take my time and wait
find the right one when the
right time comes my way
it will be my lucky day.

An utopia
tunneling from  
reality to fiction:
impending watchful
eyes, hungry mouths
feeding their habits.
Treading into fear of
unknown crevices.

Some stare, others
scurry around to  
find their destination.

They find each other
in separate time zones
realms, currency and
cause conjoined together
waiting...  

Each location
fades out into thin air.

They crawl out like
ants from confusion:
spiraling into more
labyrinths of escalators,
stairs and stations.

All is moving in constant
motion finding that place
they need to be.

I hate waking up to screaming and shouting.                        It makes me feel stressed out and on edge.                                    I just want to hear the sounds of the  sweet birds in the morning have a much more calmer life but my life is anything but calm and  its definitely not quiet.               The mood of hearing all the  anger and fear happening most  night's often really impacts my quality of sleep and my own life.                                                               It made me feel a lot more paranoid.                                          I feel an nervous wreck in the day to speak to anyone. I have very few friends living near me for support to cheer me up and make me laugh but I do always have my family visiting me daily  and I do have my partner and daughter too but when my partner and family are back home I can feel isolated and alone having to manage with all my anxious thoughts in the day and the frightening voices I can some times  hear when I'm feeling really  down which causes me a lot of fear. I always  ignore this. I stand up against it and usually win  distract myself with keeping myself busy, doing my singing and writing helps to take this pain from me too.                        I struggle to visit public places without being with family or being with my partner in case I end up upsetting someone else in the room and being a  subject of ridicule and physical abuse. I had a whole life of being bullied for being different and socially  awkward around other people and whole lot of physical and mental abuse in the last 10 years because I have always been too  soft. I have rarely opened up about my abuse  and got the help I needed.                                          I would always put up with it as I never wanted to upset anyone else I just wanted to live my life without having any drama or hassle.                                           I feel I can't even say  what's on my mind much nowadays.            I can only really share my deeper inner  thoughts and truth to a  selective few  people as I'm too scared to do this with most other people  in case I'm hurt again by someone else but I am stronger than I look and can usually take all this quite well.  Will get there in time just need to recover and get myself feeling better again.

Best advice I can give to being happy
is know your goals in life,
exercise a little bit each day,
do a bit of meditation for reflection
helping to connect to your inner self.
I enjoy a bit of writing and singing.
Talking to friends and family can help half the problem,
never binge or do anything to excess
and confront things when they get on top of you
never bottle yourself up
also consult your medical professionals if things get really tough they can sometimes guide you in the right direction.
The thing that helped me through in the end
was having a purpose which I have found
that with my baby girl
she makes me smile
and reminds me that
life is worth fighting for
regardless on how bad i feel.
I honestly had no direction before
kept hitting a dead end
when I was younger I was enthusiastic and hopeful
studying hard hoping I would achieve something in LIFE
find the job and partner of my dreams
but life after university hit me hard
I was unemployed for 6 years
which made me feel depressed and became
mentally unwell
the thought of feeling the failure
never having nothing to show
at the end of it sent
me down a dark spirall
My wounds are now finally healing
keep reminding myself i'm no
failure and a fighter
and now I'm feeling a bit more at peace
with my self.

To me the word love was difficult to feel or define.                   
I never knew or could express what love was.                

I was only  half way there with my definition
on what love meant to me.
I was being assessed for autism on that day  
                                      
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.              

I had only ever felt infatuation or lust
never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.

He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured
The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me
making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid
of what happened
making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.  

I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused
I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol
which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.

I said to the assessor
how can you expect me to define
what love really is?
when I was feeling  broken all the time.
Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. 
Feeling like I was always a second or third option
but never a first option.

The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have  relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head  for a long while as I felt that when I always got  comfortable I would end up rejected and  getting my heart broken.              


This is until I finally met the love of my life.                
I knew there was something I love
about him even from the start.                
My partner is energetic
and always wants to help other people
same as myself.                        
I know that I feel what love is for him
as no other man or woman ever  compares to him.                    
We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years
but we are strong together.
Life has constantly tested us
and we have always been there
helped each other out
from falling into the dark pit.
                            
He turns my frown into a smile
by making me laugh with his jokes.                
I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything.
There is always equal love and there is always equal support.
He's like my best friend as well as my lover
and always looks after me and sophie too.  
                      
He puts us first and I always do the same for him.                
We've been working on our issues together
and we make such a great team.                    
We are both creative and spiritual.              
He's helped me enjoy the good
and also get through the very bad,
being there for me even when I felt low
or when my health has been very poor.   
         
I've always been there for him
when he's equally had the good
and very bad in his life. 
                 
For me this is what  love is to me
he never expects anything
he just loves me how I am
and I love him that way too.
My bad experiences had blinded me
for the first 2 years of the relationship
and created more
insecurities but now
I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him     
We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes
and there is always ups and downs
but we have never given up on each other.      
I love him and sophie so much.
He's my love.

Being the strong woman is being able to stand up
what you know is right
not being the constant  victim of abuse;
walking away from nasty threats,
being able to wear what you want without feeling victimised
in any way I did occasionally loved to wear dresses
but I didn't want the invitation  or excuse for random men
to use this against me so I wore male clothing in town to blend in.  
To be able to remove people that cause nothing but stress;  
saying NO if you don't want to be approached in any way inappropriate; which some cases I never wanted in the first place:
not being able to be communicate or in some cases just being scared to fight as you don't want to go through all the trouble of being in court.  Being autistic I have always found it all too confusing
I don't get all these hidden social cues;  
when I say lets go for a coffee and a chat
I mean just a coffee and chat as a friend
its not in any way a hidden meaning for you to initiate ***.  

Finally as a 31 year old autistic woman I am starting finding my feet:
saying goodbye to all the nasty men in my life who
used and took advantage of me,
its sometimes for the best walk away from the abuse
just to move forward  
be the strong woman you know who you are
the main thing is never to blame yourself
never get resentful or upset
life is about learning from your mistakes
and never do them again.

I was their piece of art,
I tasted sweet as lemon ****,
sampled in the cake shop,
customers stared and stop,
paying out change out of their pockets,
cash and card from their wallets
to pay for my pleasure.
I give them that thrill,
dressed to ****.
I was their secret treasure
for we all don't live forever.

Life can be really tough.

I get my daily reminders.

My nagging doubts.

The question that keeps popping up in my head is will I ever be good enough?

I hear so many negative voices telling me that I will not succeed.

Rejecting me and dissing my
life choices.

Wish they would just
be quiet and
for once leave me alone.

I just want to hear silence
that would
be the victory.

They
never stop taunting  and they
keep laughing
at me.

You will lose and we will win.

I will definately not give them any of that  satisfaction.  

I will never give up this fight. I will keep on trying and do my best.

One winter night I was out in another city
with a friend in streets of Nottingham.
We both had a impulsive night
drinking *****
we didn't realize the time,
we missed the train home.
There was no place to stay or go
everywhere was closed.
I was shivering and terrified
looks like we sleeping rough tonight
I felt nervous and sick to close my eyes
incase I got robbed
My friend gave me a huge hug
and told me it'll be alright
I've done this before
don't worry we will survive

My friend found an cardboard box
out the bin
it was big enough to
fit us both in
at least we got some shelter
to keep us warm a little bit

A random stranger caught us out
in the cold he felt sorry for me
shaking in the corner feeling
the frosty chill
What are you doing out here young lady?
your catch a cold and be ill
He wanted to call my parents
but stubborn me didn't want him to
as I didn't want them to worry
so instead he gave me warm coat
coffee, and a bar of chocolate
to set me up for the night.

Though I could not sleep
while I was on the street
the random kindness got me through
as soon as morning was due
we caught the train to Leicester.

I never forget what kind gesture
the random stranger did for me that night
but showed appreciation and thanks
by passing the kindness on
now I try and do the same for anyone
struggling on the streets
everyone deserves to have
shelter, a warm beverage and
food to eat.

I'm a little wild,
love seeing you smile,
even if its for a short while.
I follow my own path,
where ever that takes  
feeling human energy
chemistry of life
warmth of the sun
real energy flow
not this constant
*******, negative
vibes  just love
at pure form
the very thing we sow.

The feeling of inadequacy rears its ugly head
from time to time
why is everything in my brain feel so distorted
seeing in my mind always as a male;
then my body is the opposite;
the mismatch causing me
anxiety
the feeling of living a lie;
having to deny these
feelings for years
ignoring how I felt
in my teens
when my hormones
and feelings were just a bit
different in case
people called me a freak
I hated being judged
all I wanted was love
so kept everything quiet
too scared to tell any one
for years fearing
no one will ever love me any more
feeling rejected
as not many will truly
understand how I feel inside
so I repressed it so many times
which left me over the years
feeling more
hollow and empty
dysphoria is complicated;
wish it was easy
but I nothing ever is.

Over the years
I have new challenges to face
with raising a baby girl
learning to accept
I might not ever be my
authentic self but
want to teach her to
that things are not
always appear to be
and that you should
always try and help people
whenever you can
in the new year going to build my self esteem
maybe one day I learn to love myself
learn to speak out
get support where needed
when feeling down.

Dysphoria is hard to live with
at times but I'm learning
to accept and I'm moving forward
with my life.

As being a mum to Sophie I worry too much about safety,
every day I check the plugs, wires, count my meds,
check the cooker is off multiple times.
I can't leave my flat without checking for something
or forgotten to do something important.
I even check I got all my cards and money safe in my bag
every morning and every night.
The OCD ritualistic thoughts are frustrating
won't leave me alone;
I had them for a long time.
They have got worst since drinking alcohol
and since I lived on my own.
My anxious mind just can't stop thinking about safety
and it drives me up the bend.
I feel unrested most nights
I feel tired and cant recall much around me in the day;
I can't really enjoy myself and be happy when I'm away from home
the OCD thoughts cross my mind and hit me hard.
My physchatrist told me I need to learn
to switch my OCD thoughts off
I need to feel more calm, write and color again and learn to
meditate let them all pass me by so I can manage better
and enjoy my life.
I get paranoid and feel scared to travel alone
down to my poor eye sight
and other people can see
I'm a easy target in the street.
I just really want to feel free and happy
have adventures again
and go outside in the great outdoors
enjoy socialising and visiting places
with my family and friends;
have fun with my daughter on the beach
enjoy the sunshine.
Learn to read books, do my writing and learn to sing
to help me to create some more positive thoughts
and memories so I can have a peaceful
rest at night and feel more healthy and more alive.
Instead of being stuck in
my flat from morning to night
I feel unsafe to go out anywhere
on my own
with the constant bullying and
nasty threats I get
I never cause anything
to begin with or do
anything wrong anymore
must be just unlucky and have
one of those faces and voices that winds people up
all I ever do is mind my own business
and enjoy walking the fresh air
no one deserves to feel
threatened in this way
I just want to be free
of being stuck in my flat
this year and take that next step
and go out more
and be happy and smile
instead of feeling scared
and worried all the time
that danger could lurk
around me every corner
and its worst for me
as I cant always see
that well anymore
and I just want to
feel more free
to escape
from the hellish
pit of the
OCD mind.

I  really want to be able to enjoy listening to my music;
most of the time all I hear is just loud static
noisy background sounds which
keep getting in the way;
its no fun when the music you listening to
is interrupted by pointless sounds outside
or the flat above me.
I often can not see good either;
I try really hard to focus my sight;
my eyes are often disrupted by
the bright lights surrounding it
which makes my eyes quite sore.
I often wear sunglasses to alleviate this problem,
I really can't wait for the day
where I won't need them anymore.
I will be able to see the beauty of nature
and appreciate the sunshine.  
These are things people often
take for granted
but are things I adore.    
I really want to be able to hear
the lovely voices of my friends
be able to finally keep up
have a laugh and a decent conversation.  
I can only hear fragments of what they are saying;
but I do my best to understand,
and believe me when I say this
I'm really not that dumb as I appear  
with ADHD my mind is
racing at a million miles a hour;
I'm in charge of maintaining its engine;
and I have to keep up with this every day,  
slowing it down so I can steer it on course
and not keep crashing.  
I do wish I could turn off this engine
for a minute and stay still in the moment.
Learn to be calm in stressful situations
and well just relax
direct my energy and
thoughts in some order;
have full belief in myself
that I can do well and be good at things.
its not fully achievable just yet
It'll take a lot of time and practice
as long as I have to passion to keep learning  
with the right level of medication  
maybe one day this will be reality
and not just a dream in my head.

I want to survive this fight. I keep battling it every day.                 Sometimes                     the struggle                           just to breathe,    sometimes                     the struggle    
is to eat.                           I  do the best I can      to get through my day. It's been 3 year's of hell for me just one huge battle that I finally want to win and  survive for my daughter sake to see her grow up and to grow old with my other half is my only wish. Its really taking a lot of  energy out of me.                                  I feel like               crying at times,                            
but you know what       I will never give up. 
You never feel the same again and you always feel the pain.                                 I do this for my daughter and for my other half.                    
My other half does what he can and tries really hard to make me laugh. Distract me from all the horror life is now putting me through.                          Will I finally beat it and win this battle only time will tell.   Just want more than anything to feel fit and well again.

What I want to say to my daughter Sophie is I will always love her. Even when I been hurt so many times. I shrugg it off every day and I show her my love and  forgivenes. It can be tough at times when she's not happy with me but she means  everything to me. She already got a lot to manage in her young life and she was always a fighter from the start and doesn't know any better when she does lose her temper even when I tell her she needs to manage it better.  I really just want her to do well in life learn respect and just listen to me. I love her with all my heart even if the pain I get from it all does hurt me from time to time.                        I will always love her            my daughter sophie.

Really wish I could enjoy                                                                    
a lovely sunny day again.                                                                  
It  often hurts and burns my eyes,                                                  
last summer it was so painful                                                              
   hid behind my sunglasses                                                              
   and rarely went outside.                                                                      
   became a bit reclusive                                                            
stayed in my flat a lot of the time                                                      
  I always found it difficult to  socialize                                          
  and get tired in the day                                          
taking naps in the afternoon
when I could at the time;
I have prescription light sensitive                                              
shades now and they work much better                                      
can absorb some of the sun's rays
without hurting me too much                                                        
and be able to maintain
my sleep cycle better at night                          
I still get some disturbances  in the night  
and I have to hide in a darker room at times
in the day to rest my sensitive, sleepy eyes and
recharge my batteries so I don't get too tired                                    
  it can be difficult to focus when your eyes are
  constantly burning                                
normal sounds are even magnified  too              
I have to wear headphones to help me navigate  
when travelling in the busy streets                                                  
as noises are super loud                                                                  
   my sleeping patterns have always been so erratic at night
    would often feel really hyper at half 3 am  
    must be down to all those late night drinking sessions
    and parties in my youth.
I'm also very creative minded and my mind won't shut up
it prefers to wake me up at night.
I always wondered why I always preferred the dark over the light
as it was always calmer and quieter and I can think much better.
Its almost if I have became a bat lady over the years
down to these random patterns in my life.  
I always had a fascination with vampires and gothic stories
so things do make sense to me
just wish I didn't have to live this way all the time
can't wait for my light sensitive treatment to be given to me
so I can be more tolerate to the sun and day light regain my
eye sight and hearing enjoy my outings and times with my friends and family without any horrible pain and dizzy spells
be a lady of the day instead a lady of night again.  
I'm a summer baby too being born in  the month of July
I absolutely adore the sun and want to go to the beach
and feel that calm, crisp air and make sandcastles with my little girl
maybe this year it will be the year to do all this
and break the horrible spell of photophobia
so I can be feel more normal again
and not be a bat lady of the night.

I remember the age of 6
it was the second year at school;
the teacher was scary, red face
and really threatening
I was behind with life and social
skills being the slow learner I was
not being able to communicate
fully and being shy and timid
now with the knowledge of being
diagnosed with dyspraxia and autism
but back then my teacher didn't know about
these diagnosis she just referred to me as being
dumb, slow and stupid
it was PE everyone was ready except for me
the teacher couldn't understand
why I was taking so long
struggling to put my clothes on;
everything was back to front
and I couldn’t tie my laces
instead of helping she got angry
lost her temper and showed me up in front of the class
all the kids started to laugh
I felt ashamed and humiliated
barely anyone would talk to me
as they thought I was stupid
and I started to feel alone and isolated
my parents couldn't understand
why I broke down in front
of them and that I didn't want to attend
school my parents felt she
pushing me hard to succeed
but in reality all she did was really scare me
my only friends really was soft toys
that I liked to create adventures
with and books which I loved to read
it was my escape
I love reading science text books
and absorbing scientific words
adored fiction
had a good grasp
of vocabulary
and knowledge
well above my station.

Years down the line met the teacher
I had when I was 6 she felt bad
for what she put through and apologised
and I did the nice thing and forgave her
I was surprised that she did remembered
me from all those years a go
maybe that day as traumatic
and humiliating as it might have been
was just another lesson
that in this world you
need to be tough
and keep trying
with what you have
no matter what.

I wish I was more adequate in life
not so incompetent at daily tasks.
I find my memory in my brain lets me down
and makes everyone around me wear a frown.

I try so much even to the point where it wears me out.
I can't sleep for long anymore.
I yearn for the day where I can go outside
enjoy the sunshine again without feeling sick
just a basic human right
be able to go out walking with my family.
I really love nature
feel more at peace when I'm outside.  

I struggle to read information and books
so I cant ever really appreciate them as much.
They use to be my main escapism;
I loved reading books when I was younger
I could read well then but things just got a lot harder
the older I got reading things ended up being a chore.
very tiring for me as I couldn't focus for long with my eyes.

I need peace and quiet to be able to absorb what's going on
so I can take in what's being said to me
and picture the story in my head.  
It's hard to do this when everything is noisy
and all of a sudden my eye vision becomes more blurry
that I have to reread each sentence again
to fully understand it all.  
I give up on reading books years a go;
it was just too difficult to do.  
I still have a good vocabulary
and I can still write my thoughts down
and do my writing while I can still do that
my illness has not in fact won me.

I will get to that point where I can enjoy my reading again
and escape in my books when life gets really tough.
I don't really find much pleasure in watching TV
its boring to me
I love listening to music more  
there are some good films or documentaries which I love to watch
from time to time.

I always had an active interest in poetry, dancing, singing and cooking programmes also anything to do with Science, Crime documentaries and phycology too.
The human mind always fascinates me
I love learning about why people behave in a certain way;
I do try to understand other peoples motivations and background to have a greater empathy and learn how to best help them.

I have even helped out my worst enemy before
as I'm a good problem solver, creative and
look at things in a different way to the norm.  
Sadly I am not always the greatest listener
down to my tinnitus which affects my hearing
I'm really not stupid as I look
and can still communicate to other people fairly well.

I find I do bottle up a lot of emotions
which isn't good for my health
and creates negative energy
which affects me and my family;
so I've got to learn to express myself better
and not let my temper get the better of me.
I am in fact a nice lady but I do admit
that I have some anger and paranoia issues
sometimes which I need to learn to deal with
so I can progress and get on better with my life.

It's still all a work progress in my Life as my writing
and singing is which I'm trying to get right.  
I can then be the best mummy I can be to Sophie.
I keep trying with everything and that's the main thing.
I just can't wait to start my treatment
really start living and enjoying life the way it should be
have more time with my family
enjoy the great outdoors also keep pursuing
and working ******* my creative hobbies
my passions for writing, singing and coloring
which I will get even better at once I worked on my hearing
and eye sight issues are sorted out they were always holding
me back at school and in the work place but this year is the year for me to be the best I can be.

Sophie cries are on cue,
every three hours feed is due.
She loves my mood candle
turning from red, orange to blue
her smile lights up she
spots her reflection,
she sighs
a happy giggle,
she waves her hands
at the elephant
and the giraffe,
each day making her
her mummy laugh.
Being bold but not too loud,
making her voice stand out
she loves being tickled
on her feet and fighting
the toys in her play gym
already keeping in trim
my angel, my little fighter
listen to mummy and daddy
we will be guide you through
this thing we call LIFE one
page at a time.

I feel my ADHD was a mental defect from birth
but was triggered down to never settling
or staying in one place and never fitting in Life.
I hate moving house.
I crave things to stay the same for a very long while.
As a kid I moved to a lot of different places
and never really could ever see it as my home
where I truly belong.        
                                      
I feel ADHD is a mental defect
where you don't really feel you ever fit in.
Even with the way I looked
I didn't feel or look right to other girls
I felt like an alien compared to them in my class.  
I felt inferior to them
with low self confidence in my body image.

I never even fit in when it came to the work place
and chasing my career path.
I got taught many courses and skills
I did quite well and always tried my hardest  
I was never really was what they were looking for in an interview
I never got any progression to any of the next stages
I felt always rejected!
I was covering the same ground
when really I just wanted to move forward
and follow my dreams.    
      
Relationships were even more confusing and awkward for me
when I thought I was the guy main priority
and I was just second or third on a list  
I hate that feeling!
I don't like being treated as second and third best
as I won't settle for anything less.     
                                               
All these confusions along with suffering trauma
and alcohol abuse bound to take its toll on me
even now I'm living with confusion
I'm working with a lot of people to give Sophie Rose a good life having to deal with lots of different personalities and names of people which can be difficult to remember.

I like the idea of support but don't like too many people involved in mine and Sophie life down to Sophie mental health
as one day this will create more questions for her
and make her grow up confused and unstable.
I want her to have a normal life mine and my partners life it might be just a bit too late for us both
but she's young and she's a clean slate and got her life ahead of her.

However I will be able to help her as I been through
rough patches in life so will be best to guide her
and make sure she makes the right decisions
so she can be a success and not a life loser which I was heading towards at one point. I'm redeeming myself for all those bad choices I made in my early 20s by being the best mummy I can be and being a good person I can be to support my friends, partner and family.

People working with me keep mentioning about moving house and it will be a while before this happens as I feel the area I live in is great and be good for Sophie to feel she has got a home that she feels she fits in and a family that loves her dearly and wants the best for her.

I never really always got that feeling myself when growing up
I really do want the best for my daughter.
That way she will grow up stable, happy and full of life then I know I'm not a failure and tried my absolute best to change and better my life to help her life and be the best mother regardless of all the bad things that have happened to me and my partner there is always something to be blessed for.

I feel lucky to have finally met the right man, have a beautiful daughter and have a great support network and family which have been keeping me strong through all this.

Sarah woke up in a dark room with dim lit windows; the room was small and very humid. Her arms  handcuffed to the radiator showing her visible white naked body she was soaked in some kind of baby oil but she could not see him all she could hear  of him was his whispers of his voice; saying I love you.

She could feel her ear lobes gently being licked and caressed  leaving her skin tingling and body shaking in anticipation he tightly stretch his arms around her thighs kissing and caressing them; she can already feel herself getting more wet not knowing his next move. He finally traces up her black ******* with his fingers playing with her ***** and exploring into her mystical dark tunnel and finding the spot which made her legs tremble as he does this he starts to roll his tongue inside her ***** licking her **** she was trying to hold back from squealing from the delight she could  feel herself heating up and more sweaty finally he hit that spot again and her  ***** squirt.

The pandemic striked fear into my heart;
it hit me hard from the very start.
The prime minister announcing different
rules nearly every day;
near enough everyone has a different say
divisions caused all down to this,
who is right? and who is wrong?
and how long exactly will this go on?
The pandemic turned me into an anxious wreak
hearing about the rule changes
and constant death.
Not knowing when I will be able see my favourite people again;
and staying inside my flat a lot of the time;
as most places were closed.
After having a year of this being mostly the same
then everything had changed again
death figures decreased
we could all meet up which was really great
I did however found it difficult to socialize
and take it all in what I had been experiencing.
Little by little I am getting better
not so anxious, fearful and paranoid
more my outgoing and sociable
self wanting to see people again
it will just take a little time to break
the spell or that barrier down as I recover through
what was to be the pandemic paranoia.