I know that my eye sight
affects my ability to read and write.
I can't stand the sunlight / lights being on them;
it makes me feel poorly and bad
you know what this
will not make me feel sad.
The eye spasm's are a huge pain;
things haven't been the same.
The eye pains wake me up and disturb my sleep
but it does not make me weep.
I refuse to let it get me down;
and life will get better and good again;
just by learning to do things I enjoy
singing, coloring and getting
out my notepad and pen.  
Writing puts my life to right;
its about learning to adapt to
problems in life and learn to fight.
I was so happy to get my new light sensitive glasses
from the optcians this doesn't
fix my eye sight but protects it
makes it easier to read, write and edit,
it will be another year before
I can go into performing.
will take a while but worth the wait
as I got hearing problems
to sort out too then I can follow
people's conversations, appreciate songs and
not feel so lost in my Life.  
I still got a good brain left;
excellent family support, a lovely daughter
and other half too.  
Even when things around me seem a little worst;
I tell myself just be patient, this is your year.  
its worth the wait never give on your dreams;
no matter how difficult life seems.
Try your hardest every day
and you always find your way.

Cant wait for the summer finally
going to the beach again.
I love the sand and calm crisp
ocean air its such a bliss.
Cant wait to play with my
daughter and act like a kid again
show her how its really done
when we have our summer fun
just got to wait for my treatment
then I can really enjoy the lovely sun.
The sun rays heal my spirit and
my bones and joints also make me
happy and full of energy.
I always been an outdoor lady
not used to being trapped in
dark rooms and in my home.  
I love nature and being
around animals
the beach calls to me and
is my most favourite place
in the world and where
I feel most at peace.  
I love the warm sunny air
and yummy ice creams
but I can not eat them
down to them being too cold
and it hurts my brain but I
can still appreciate everything
else around me and will
do just that hopefully in June
when the fun can begin for me
just hoping the specialists
can help me and end this torture
so I can finally be free
and happy I intend to enjoy
every moment I've got with
Sophie and my family
you only got one life
so you need to have fun
and be happy.

I wish I could stop all theparanoid  thoughts.  Feel unsafe                              
in this world.                           Feel like                                I have to                      watch my                      back when                     I'm away                    
from home.
Feel like eyes are staring watching my every move               every time                                    
I walk into an room.                                  I feel other people can hear me, I can hear them too but this is not always when people are actually talking to me. I can hear  laughter and sometimes  horrible comments.                         With my logic I know this isn't  real. It can feel very real to me but this is all really just the fear beating me in the head again. I feel an constant dread  that something dangerous or sinister is lurking around me. I wish it would all just go away leave me alone and let me live my life in peace with my daughter. This uncomfortable feeling follows me around every where. I have to stop myself and have a good stare to make sure what I'm really seeing is the truth and not just another lie or form of deceit.

My eyes are getting a little stronger each day,
but still can't wait for my treatment to help
control this unusual aliment.
I have had to learn to overcome this problem
its not been easy.
I have learned you can adapt to anything if you try hard
and put your mind really to the test.
My hearing getting a little better
it can still be a challenge to hear in busier environments.
When I get my digital hearing buds and had my medicine for tinnitus I won't look as strange to other people
who would understand my story
as random people often will judge or fear
things that are unusual or out of the norm.
I say people should make their judgements on me
but I can't stand people being rude it's best to be polite
and ask me questions if you are confused
rather than making hurtful  comments.
I never chose to live life like this;
life sadly has chose for me to be this way
I'm making the best of a bad situation
and turning into some positive
by trying my hardest to learn my skills in life
and be the best mum I can be to Sophie.
I made mistakes and trusted the wrong people
we all done things that we regret
and now just trying to fix the broken pieces
and do the best I can with everything
and all I can say is at very least
I'm trying really hard and getting better each day.

All my prayers were answered
when my doctor finally wrote the
letter to the neurology team
this week after being rejected by them twice
in one year my persistence to get myself
feeling better is finally paying off
the optcians, pharmacy and adhd team
have all been equally amazing and have all
supported me as well as my family,
daughter and partner too through
these tough times.  
My pineal cyst symptoms
have been more extreme
in the last 9 months to the point
where I get migraines
most days, really sensitive
to lights in the room or outside
which can make my eye lids
spasm and my eyes will even burn a bit
even wearing light sensitive glasses
if sunlight enters them too which
is an horrible experience.  
I wear light sensitive glasses
to deal with these unpleasant
feelings; hoping to get some pain relief medication which will help treat the face, brain and eye pain's as this really really hell
I'm much more sensitive to smells
and even normal sounds can be more maginified
and intense which can overwhelms me
and trigger tremors or shaky hands
I often have to wear headphones just to alleviate the pain's
I get from the noise levels around me
and the constant tinnitus I experience in my ears a lot of the time.
I always hear a random humming and buzzing sound
it follows me around and don't always
hear too well when people are speaking
to me hoping to get an earing aid which will
help with this issue once I worked it all out
with the specialist team.

I also can not stand hot / cold weather
and my face and eyes will ache,  get brain
fog and feel a lot of pain through out the day;
I keep going with everything though and have
a very positive attitude through it all;
it won't beat me but I do experience some
good / bad days it makes my brain
feel constantly numb and just tired
from fragmented sleep which
I'm really hoping to sort
this all out  
its best to stay positive
and keep trying just hoping I don't have
to wait too much longer for my treatment.

I really don't want it to get any worst
as it makes my life much more difficult;
I know there isn't a cure
I want to do the best I can
for my little girl,
and get myself feeling better again
my prayers have finally been answered
and I'm happy there is some hope
and reason to smile  just hope I
don't have to wait for too long.

I'm a mother
sing in a choir.
Ex alcoholic and survivor.
Got diagnosed by my GP with bipolar, autism, dyspraxia
and adhd these labels don't in fact define me.
I graduated with a degree
in creative writing and english
Unemployed for 6 years but been jack of most trades
tried most kinds of work including retail,
cleaning and admin looking for work
has been tough going but proud to say
i'm a fighter and keep on trying
have completed an nhs course
volunteered working with the community
When sophie is older
I may even volunteer in my local library.
I am very logical, love routine, punctual
spiritual in my beliefs,
open minded think outside the box
write poems and short stories,
love playing sport
painting, photography
but my down side I
can be impulsive
and impatient need to
learn to take my time
with things.

Bullies are weak;
they pick on the quiet,
eccentric and meek:
There are many forms of bullying out there:
they all hurt equally,
it can be verbal, ******, jealously, discrimination,
and physical aggression.
All forms are unjust and unfair,
usually picking on people that look
and behave in a strange way;
just to make them feel stronger
or happier in some way.
The best way to deal with bullying
is to ignore what they say
and generally walk away.
I hate people calling me names;
I have never been cruel or caused
anyone pain or at least never intentionally;
I hate people dissing me for wearing support aids
all I'm trying to do is live life the best I can;
what gives other people the right
to stare me out, laugh and be horrible to me;
I really can't stand people dissing my weight
I had issues with my body before
so don't get the point for people to diss and slate
when I'm just having a walk outside with my daughter
enjoying a meal out with my family and not causing any harm.
Bullying is so weak but it hurts;
there is nothing I can do;
I am me and I do feel proud to be me.
I did shut down a few times;
I felt threatened and intimidated
a few times to the point I didn't want to out anywhere;
by doing that though I let the bullies win:
not listening to all the negativity anymore,
still dealing with paranoia and anxiety every day
in my head but getting stronger in every way
and will get there in the end.

No place to run
No place to hide.

The chronic pain finds its way;
the triggers are there every day without delay.

Bright lights, smell and sound.
There is never
an escape route.
At times you
feel dizzy.
At times you feel really weak.  
At times it gets so bad you can't even feel your arms and feet.

There is no cure for this chronic pain. It's living in an nightmare every day.

You have to learn to adapt to it the best you can.

It can feel surreal is this real or is it just an dream?

I hope I can wake up from this and live a normal life again.

But no this is real as it gets as you can always feel the pain and it will be here to stay.

Migraines wish you would go away and don't you come back another day.

Wish people would learn to listen and take me more seriously
my brain feels I'm constantly walking on a tightrope;
climbing a ladder high up and this is just when dealing
with the normal errands of the day
that people take for granted.
Anxious thoughts often keep me awake
noises in the night from my daughter and
noises can easily disturb
my sleep cycle makes it so difficult for me
to fall asleep again wish the noises and thoughts                      

would just be quiet and all shut up at least                                          
at night that way I can get a decent kip                                        
and I feel good for once
I do wish I wasn't experiencing
any physical pains in my eyes
it wakes me up most nights too
the pain constantly feel like being punched in the face                  
and my brain feels drained and numb at times
it drives me nuts when the eyes feel so sore,
and fill up with water
this happens most afternoons
when the day light is at its brightest
if you see this happen to me then
no I'm not in fact crying
just that my eyes are in fact burning
down to being sensitive to bright light
the ADHD medication makes
me feel a little less sensitive
I often have to rest my eyes
ever so often in a darker room
through out the day otherwise
I get blurry vision and the constant pains
rear their ugly head
it can be agony and make me feel tired.
I often catch up on my rest
when I am able to                                                               ­             
its never a decent deep sleep cycle
I haven't slept like that in over 10 years
and forgotten what it felt like
getting a little better it
it will take time and I will recover.
Being told that "it is all in my head" even
by the very people who should really know me better  
really upsets me more
its like people don't believe what I am saying
and dismiss what I am going through
they don't see me every day
and don't see or experience the suffering
so its easier to dismiss and identify
as not being real.  
Its got to be something imaginary
or its "all in my head"  
This is in fact very real to me
it affects my daily life every day
even just to go outside walking in the park
in the sunshine with my daughter is difficult
I still do this walk half hour a day but I
miss those times where I can see properly
and wasn't in so much pain
its an invisible illness
it affects the nerve connections
in my eyes, ears, nose and face
other people can't see or experience
the pain for themselves
so often dismiss everything.  
I don't give up so easy
trying my hardest to get the                                                              ­
right support I need in place
so I can be the best mummy                                                            ­  
I can be and enjoy my life                                                             ­       
I have to learn to deal with
all this the best I can    
I put a smile on my face                                                             ­   
and get on with life
please learn to take
what I'm saying                                            
more seriously though
and know that
Its not "all just in my head"                                                    
just because you are not experiencing                                              
it or are seeing the struggles for yourself                                
doesn't mean the pain                                                             ­               
  I'm going through every day  
   is not in fact real;                                                                  ­           
and you should never                                                            ­            
make me feel that way;                                                             ­       
all that does is                                                               ­           
makes me feel so sad and alone.

Constantly feel trapped in my own private hell.

I remain in my own empty box.

Wish I could just walk, read and speak better.

Break the dark spell on my life feel happy and more free again.

One side of my body always feels lifeless,
I feel out of breath
really tired.

My brain on the other hand  
feels much more speedy and wired.

Got loads of ideas but can't seem to always keep them going in my mind for long enough and end up forgetting them.  

Things I really need to complete in my day but can only usually attempt to do a few things so feel like I fall way behind every one else.

Events I really want to attend and friends I want to see again which I feel like such an huge let down and usually have to cancel them in the end.

My body will not always work for me in the same way as my brain really does.

Instead my body  just wants to not do anything that my brain tells it to to do just  give up so easy in the fight when its needed the most.

I find I can't often move my legs and arms when I want to move them.

One of my eyes  doesn't work as well so I can't always see too good.

My thoughts are jumbled up in my mind so dont make much sense.

My speech is a lot harder to understand.

I feel like the  messy splat on the page that is  really trying to blend in and look dignified, beautiful and still but it's really nothing more than just a plain, chaotic, messy splat that doesn't belong there in the first place.

No matter how hard life can be though its always good to have a sense of humour and just  never give up when it gets really tough.

When I got the bad news a month a go
that there was a chance I could have gotten
Cancer if I had left it any longer.
The nurse had given me a smear test
I had no clue:
I just knew I didn't feel that well
at the end of last year
start of this one.
They told me I have some
precancerous cells and now
I'm my first treatment this week is due.
If I hadn't gone for that smear test
I wouldn't have known and it could have gotten
worst for me that was a huge  shock to my system!


Its been a whirlwind of a month
since my first examination results
only last year I was diagnosed
with a brain cyst
thought I got through
the worst of that
sadly deep down I just knew
something was still very wrong with my health;
I kept pursuing the doctors and investigated it over the year
and only now we're finding out I am needing
my first treatment this week:
its very early stages ****** cancer
but you never think
this is going to happen to you.


I just froze inside when I read the letter
I didn't know how to think or feel.
Life has always been a tough ride for me:
I realize all the pain I went through
now I am learning to love me more
and I am staying true to myself.
I realize I just lost my passion
over the years;  getting over constant
heart ache, mental abuse and feeling the pain
and sadness inside my head
as I found it difficult to show
my emotions on the outside.


Drinking ***** just to numb
and make me forget all the bad
you know what I never really did:
it always lingered and stayed with me.
Facing negative remarks, trauma and alcoholism.
I met some lovely souls along the way
but some horrible ones too. I constantly
was held back of what I wanted to do
had nasty people saying
you will never amount to anything
or you can't do that.


Taking advantage of my kindness and leaving me high and dry
you know what I am really better than this;
I am not even angry or sad anymore at the bad people
just want to settle the scores straight.
I made some bad mistakes in the past.
I'm already suffering for this now
paying the price with the pain
I am feeling
hopefully this won't last.


I feel scared inside but I am no coward
I am a fighter all the way and a survivor too
I know I will recover from this ordeal
and come out stronger and better than ever.
I have still a lot of fight in me
and a lot to learn and discover
and chasing my dreams
no longer letting people
push into the gutter as I did before.


I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter
and feel this is my main purpose in Life
to be the best mummy I can be to her
and not let her down.
I want her to do well;
avoid all the things that
sadly got in my way in Life.
If I was just a bit stronger
said no and stood up for myself more
I would have pulled through;
I have a new calling now in Life.
I just want to see my daughter grow up
make sure she finds someone that genuinely
wants to be there for her and cares and loves her
the same way her daddy feels for me.


I hope to see her grown up
and for her to have kids too.
I am very blessed to have
such lovely family, partner, daughter
and know amazing health care professional people
working on my side with a bit of treatment
will help me to recover
give me hope and strength
to do the best I can to be there
and always protect
my little gem of an daughter,
who was born in the time of the angels 11.11.
She was sent from the Heaven's to guide me
and be the best I can through my Life.


I am also very fortunate of course
to have a loving partner by my side
who stood by me from the start of our daughter's Life.
He makes me laugh
I have learnt a lot from him
we learn new things about each other all the time.


In this ordeal I will not give up
the fight and keep
trying my best
and for all those dear spirits I have lost
in the last few years will keep on smiling.

I wish I never lost any more  weight.

It was an huge mistake.

One mistake I really hate and I really regret to this day.

I'm still paying the debt which is paid with my mental health and life.

Was always looking fine.

Didn't need to make any more changes to myself.

Being called chubby and fat by an  silly ****.

One afternoon
caused me so much destruction and sadness to my self esteem to make me  hide at home and waste myself away.

Still paying for the damages.
  
Life has been much more tough and hard to manage.

In the future
I will ignore the ***** in life who are never happy and want to hurt and bully innocent women walking out on the streets.

One of my goal's in life is that I will one day be more free to be myself  and be able to one day walk again.

I wake up
with the same horrible set of dreams every night.

It makes me feel sick and frightened.

It really haunts my life.

I wish I could break this curse just learn to forget and move forward that way for once I will be able to have an decent  rest at night.

I always get woken up at the same time by the same set of  horrible dreams.

Maybe one day I will be able to find that peace of mind,
its just really hard to find.

I feel afraid
to walk the street.

I feel afraid of everyone I meet.

I dont like being compared.  

I dont like being questioned.

I don't like being watched or followed.

There is just far too much hate.

When I experience these scenes I really just want to get away in that sunshine  and escape.

I wish we could just respect
one another.

We are not meant to be the same.

We should be all be  winning at  this game.

No one should ever feel that they don't belong.

We are all  unique notes of an beautiful song.

I feel we should learn to accept one another  work together.

Banish hatered, paranoia,
dread and fear forever.