The smoke traveled through my throat all the way to my lungs.
With cloudy thoughts and smelly clothes
I sat on the back row.
Teachers and classmates wonder alike.
I wish I could push the smell inside my Hello Kitty backpack
But I cannot, so instead, I pull myself aside.
I keep telling mommy to quit.
But does she listen? I wish she did.
A couple of years later I discovered a marvelous thing!
Although I had promised myself I would never touch a cigarette, I do.
It happened in the backyard where my volleyball fell.
I simply bent down and picked up a cigarette **** instead.

The skinny, now small cigarette-  still blushing with mom’s lipstick.
I put it in my mouth, automatically.
Just how I’ve seen her do it millions of times.
I inhale and exhale my worries away and become my mom.
Next thing I know, the stench disappears
and it’s me who blows little puffy clouds
into my daughter’s mouth and lungs.
I pass the sickness on.
Later on we go visit Doctor Nguyen.
As we step inside, I can smell the infected air of the hospital’s hall.
And I know.
I know what the doctor will say.
While I see myself on my daughter’s head
I can hardly breathe.
I am choking with the smell of smoke,
The smell of sadness,
The smell of tears and of cancer.

I paused
On the road to pick those wildflowers
Yeah I stopped
ill indignantly pluck
roaming buds for you
without warning

here
hold these

I paused then too
When I tried to kiss you
And that show was playing
Stars and septette timelines
im sorry you were saying some-thin
but look
shhhh
grab my hand

I paused
before grinned
that round-toothed smile
you so love
or at least write about

i paused to look at you
to smell you one more time
before opening the window
and then again
when the window didnt matter

when "full on" was a demand
when you asked me more questions
when we fought about our limits

ill pause
because i have to
bring you back to
we imagine
careen and just not crash

somersaults and strobe lights

were pausing
for a moment
to change each other
who COULD like this

i wont lie about it
im begging
on two knees

it started as a mean joke
i pray that it ends as no suicide letter
i mean
this poem will self destruct

pause at JUST the right second

I try to read my own mind sometimes,
but it never really works itself out
so I end up writing it down and leaving it undecipherable.
...But I'd like to walk on coals, I think
placed onto your chiseled chest above your heart
and I will dance for you there
and you can remember me as that weird girl you were in love with once,
and in the future,
you'll smile at my name
because you'll be laughing at me.

Being an introvert is kind of rough,
You see, cause I believe in finding love.
A sight to see... but I'm blind to luck.
Cause in the end, inside I'm stuck.

You have now stripped me to my bones..
Bare, bruised and battered,
Left alone; undone -
I have but few words remaining -

I love you, and this will be my last breath of you...

Turning from you now, as you have turned from me,
Each step distancing our once solidified foundation -
A rising fire, extinguished by an unforeseen ending,
I no longer will await the day you had promised...
For these futile thoughts of us will fade,
Our love whither -
Our love perish -

Simply put...
This is good bye.