Appalled by the execution
Of the implied devaluation
Bringing down the hopeless rage
Upon all those tainted by implication

I stand in visible observation
With no shield or aberration
To lay blame for my inclination
To find fault in your need for polarization

No left or right or up down
Flows in natural light through my being
I am extant in my word and deed
So blame yourself if you fail...in seeing

That in the most unimagined
Set of convoluted circumstances
I am simply your own reflection...uninspired
By your lack of need ..to learn by taking chances

But even i will not follow you.... into
The depths of your morbidity
If you seek to drag along those poor lost sheep
Into your hatred and fearmongering obscenity

I stand ...
For all...those
... who you knock down!

If you take a chance and glance
           Beyond that which is called
            Extenuating circumstance.
You may see that the powers that be.  
Seek justice ..but only for a system
         That they rely on to maintain
              . ......A  status quo
          A stagnant pool of nepotism
                    Slash latent schism
                       Where division...
                ....Trumps any decision
    Where progress might find a foothold
       Where justice demands they trust US
               To control a destiny
              Once promised on paper
        That has been perverted
                            Diverted
           Until it is now a point of such
                      Vehement derision
That stagnation seems so ingrained
          That it's acceptance
               Is as routine
          As the gavels banging
    Or the detention door clanging
                 That it should rattle
                     To the very core
                        Any citizen
            Who believes in the idea of
                Freedom ,human rights
        And the pursuit of happiness
     Reality is often a hard pill to swallow
  Especially when the acidic water
                  Of the shrinking pool
              That we all inhabit.. has...
                  ...Stopped breathing
                   And is slowly dying
      While some keep denying
           That anything is wrong
                     No need to believe
                      That  trouble looms
                         On the horizon
                  So choked with smoke
     That the sun struggles to deliver
          Any promise --dusk or  dawn
         And troubled waters rise up
            In rebellious consternation
        Spilling into unfamiliar places
                             As it chases
       Destitution onto higher ground
                          Of desperation
                              And alienation
          Revelations will soon dictate
    Maybe way ..way ..too late
That hesitation is becoming as absolute
As inspired introspection is becoming obsolete
        The status quo is all they know
              Those who have the power
      To pull the world together
         But haven't got the will power
               To do anything
                   That might cause them
          To take a chance and glance
               Beyond that which we call
         An extenuating circumstance.

I could do
As much as
The sands of time allows
And watch us
As we move
On down lifes road

It just looks
Like I'm wandering
In an aimless way
But I've got
A real plan
Just ain't quite that bold

But I'm trying baby

I'm trying
Hard as I can
To show you who I am
Yes I know
That I seem....like
I am so lost
And I want....to know
How...to ...trace ...my way back
To that place - that I
That I once went past

I can do ...more than
What it really takes
To get back to you

That ONE in
The rearview mirror
That I once knew
That scared the hell
Out of .....
.....the one in me
That I didn't !

Sometimes it really
Is so hard....
....... to believe
The Truth in ...
What we say

" what a tangled ..tangled
TANGLED web...
...we really do weave!

Life spent learning
Earning
The badges we own
Those we wear
And those not shown
Easy to learn
What is sharp ....
         ....what will burn
Then we spend lifetimes
Being cut off ,cut down
Cut to pieces ,cut to shredds
Cut out !
Left to your own doubt.

Scorched
By every flame
Just as it extinguishes itself
And then someone ...always
Seems to appear
In order to distinguish themselves
As lesser than they should be
Too often ...turns out that ....that ...
Someone is me .

Yes ! we earn every badge we own
In that..... none of us ......stand alone !

The question often hovers around me
Sometimes intrusive enough, my head will spin
What the hell was that ...where did it come from
Who knows ? I wonder... as I lay down the pen!!

There have been times in life
That I've been more than hungry
I've never really been homeless
But I have lived right next door
I've been known to turn back on the hiway
Driving back for a lost blanket, a gas can
A ice chest or two and not that long ago
A new ,plastic wrapped  DBL.quilted ...
........Queen size mattress  " SCORE !"

I'm happy with simple things in life
A  couple of rooms, a good roof over head
A mind capable of creative, and / or critical thinking
And enough food each day so my dogs are fed
Enough work to keep the plates all spinning
And the energy to see that they do ,okay I do break a few
Acquaintances seen every once in a while who will smile
Maybe talk a while , and a friend or two that are really true blue

So my whole life I've gotten up each day to do what it takes
Filling one pocket with hope ,another with happy thoughts
A shopping list in the third in case I can pick something up
The 4th for any money I might make staving off the have nots
Some days the list gets a few items marked off beyond basics
Other days I drag in with a heavier list than I had carried off
Due to the whims of a pickup truck thats as old as I am
That caught some kind of bug in town, and now has a cough

But that's not the worst of what can be thrown at  me
And this first half of 2017 I find days when I've come in devoid
Of money or items marked from the list and not a single happy thought
But there are those depths not to be accepted, and I alway avoid
Succumbing to...every fiber of my being insisting and resisting
As my alarm bells start ringing a warning to me as I'm clinging to the rope
Just how close I had been to losing grip and letting myself slip
Before remembering all pockets are not empty ,never have been or ever will be - personal or political - empty of hope.

There's something ironic about
The fact  that I found myself there
Sitting on the sidelines - stranded
Just beyond the road to nowhere
Out of luck , sorely in need of a friend
Funny how the open road - freedoms hiway
Can suddenly turn into a somber dead end !

Something broke and I heard/felt it
Weak ...out of power - out of luck
As a strange silence fell down around me
As thoughts often drowned out began to run amuck
Couldn't talk to myself - hardly even know me
I tried singing out loud to break the connection
But it took no time to realize that ...my life
Was like my musical knowledge ...a limited selection

I guess I've got the time now to reflect
About all the time i wasted and that i had lost
Worrying about how it will all end someday
And if it will have a value any where near its cost

My eyes open to see an angel of Mercy
A voice light as a hummingbird's fluttering wings
Smiling ..saying something.that ....
.that ... my fogged brain failed to connect
You called my Father and I'm what it brings
I'm here to carry you home she said
Are you ready to go ?

She had me hooked in no time
As I watched her flutter around
She lifted my spirit ,my hopes and my soul
Then I felt my two bodies lift up off the ground
I felt my spirit as well as my body begin to rise
The foggy depths instantly faded
All my apprehension became tangled
With the past I was leaving behind
And so I patiently held fast and waited

And as always I began to worry
Which for me is the same old story
That I would somehow sail away
On my way to an amazing glory
Without the non EarthBound angel
Then I noticed she had used chains of gold
To hold me... as to keep me from floating away

You'll need to come up here with me she said
Can't let you drag along behind
Especially anywhere near a place called destiny
Sometimes we don't see eye-to-eye I find
I couldn't help but keep glancing over at her
Every chance I got  ... for she was a doll
This angel dressed in oily overalls
I guess I got real lucky when I called you last night
For such an angel of Mercy to have materialized
I must have dozed off just before you got there
As  there for a moment when I first open my eyes
Because that could be no normal human being
Neither of them could believe what they were seeing

She gave me a sideways glance while she was driving
And then she pulled off the road saying I'll be right back
When she came back the  overalls were gone
Wearing instead the attire of a woman that cut me no slack

She most certainly was a Heavenly angel
I may have been broken and down earlier tonight
Feeling sorry for myself but I will never regret
Because I do believe that was a very first time that I know
Anyone ever went out on a date for dinner and drive-in movie
In a wrecker with a broken down pickup in tow

Are you ready ? she asked me as she entered our kitchen
Yeah yeah yeah I said are you going to ruin our day *******?
With that my wife pulled a monkey wrench out of her overall pocket
And chased me all the way out to the Wrecker...
....... with an old wrecked car in tow

But she dropped the wrench once I said happy anniversary
And pulled out the gold locket... Shaped like a gear sprocket
Oh! baby she said I'll Always Love You!

What makes you think
That I'm not listening
I see you sitting small
I see wet eyes glissening

I wish I could tell you
Whatever you need to hear
Remove all clouds of doubt
Creating a view so clear

Today has no dark shadows
As the morrow holds no sway
Punctuating choices or direction
Even before you've found your way

Past the pitfalls and false promises
Drawn toward all veiled by black
Seemingly godsent in the timing
So anxious to fill in what you lack

Lean on me and my strength today
When all seems so sad and bereft
Stop thinking that I cannot hear you
I'm here if you need me ..
            ....I'm dead but I'm not deaf !

Ayeye..I   could have held you  longer
If I had held you stronger ...maybe baby youoooo.....
.....Woo ould  have
Kept  me   closer ...to the very heart of ...
What it was that we were part of
When ayyyye ayyybelieved  ...it WAS the start of
Mooroarr than I...I ..I had evVER even con...ceived

Nowow .ow i dont even know how long I have gr..ieved
Or how loONG I will go on grieving  
I neee.ever knew that you were leaving
Leaving me    to my ...heart ache
I just can't take it.... bearing down
Like the weight of the whole world
Is sitting sqaa AIR on my poor shoulders
Baaaack when she held me ever closer to her
hear r r RT
When I heard her say so ,but I wasn't ready....
  ........to let myself ish ness hold hers .

I am at a loss to understand just what it is that you want
And though I found the trail growing cold ..I still reach out
Seeking some solice in silence , a reaction beyond indifference
Some mislaid hope lost and forgotten ,subjective through doubt
Aimed at my shadow as if I stand not as it's creator but victim
Built up by layers of effective collusion through back channels
Off color light shines brightly upon epitaphs yet to be penned
As if awaiting my memory  to be exiled into time and it's annels
Far back behind me I can hear whispering voices conspiring
To create marginalized prospects of progressive endurance
I am not seeking to lift up any banners or look into your soul
So in my process of passing through ,you seem to need assurance
That I will wander far beyond the memory of when I was here
Not even my shadow will be left behind as I pass on through
For no light seems to find me worthy of any illumination
As it seems I am invisible ,unseen and unadorned by even you

I may not know you ......I barely know me or so it sure seems
You sure as hell never knew me ,my pain ,my hopes or my dreams!

Far beyond all the empty promises  
I closed the door with the quietest snick
As latch slips into the awaiting catch plate
Far better than we had been able to clique or click

Sunrise waited in patient observance
For my fingers to gently check the connection
As I quietly eased the screen door home
Turning in time to see the sun light my new direction

NO! I was not slipping away on silent footsteps
In cowardly extrusion from responsibility or obligation
I had made it clear that I was going to be leaving
Owing nothing - unrendered in this short lived creation

Where we somehow thought we would find happiness
Were we to live together.. rather than unhappily apart
Distance may make the heart grow fonder ....unless
The sweet nectar of passion - shrivels away as its  juices go ****

Two weeks was a lifetime - silent screams and averted glances
Then yesterday as I walked out to burn away my frustration
Finding my smile again, right  in the middle of a million paces
So proudly I carried it all the way back with devine inspiration

Only to have it shatter into pieces - like a thin layer of frozen fog
Falling away in an almost audible .. crackeling  intrusion
The very second that I stepped into their presence ..and then ..
I knew that this creation was not real enough ....
             ...to be magic ..... and not faint enough to be an illusion!


I walked away that day
Heavy of heart and weary of spirit
I may not know what love really is .....
But I will know it ....for what it's not - next I come near it !

So I left the keys on the kitchen table and I checked the latch ...
          ....at least 3 times !

The smoke encrusted eyes
Sat
Far back
In the oblong caricature of a face
Reminiscent
Of shy children
Staying to the shadow corners
Anytime strangers  feigned to visit

Inextricably entwined
In the visage
Was a complication
Implied by implication
Yet denied by observation
The aspect and the asperity
Mingled
In harmonious occupation

Unbound
By cultural norms
Or complications
When seeking out
All elementary forms
Of interpretation
Leaving just enough doubt
To inspire critical thought
That calls for introspection
To tamp down all
Unwavering predications
As seen...
... In that wonderful
Caricature of a face!

I do not ...now
Or ever will
Blame you
For being who you were

Nor will I
Allow myself
To place blame on me
Should that time ever occur

But for now
I do blame you....
For you ..and NOONE else
Ever did what you did ....
By allowing me to be myself

You may be gone
But you left me....
With the knowledge
That ..who I really am
Is and always was
Worthy of being loved .

I climbed upon
The rising dawn
To ride across the sky

To seize the day
Not let it get away
Until I learn to fly

How dare you
Look down on them
Like they're made of sticks and stones
Words meant to create pain and fear
From which ...
...you never will atone

Far easier to create hate
Than to truly educate

Yet in the dimming of the light
You will send
Another generation
To be lost in banal servitude
Long after you are gone
They will carry wounds
That can never mend

The war they fight ......
              .......was over
Long before
They ever came to be
Yet you deem to cloak them
In your unrelenting hate
Then leave them to
That same suffering
As they slip further into dust

To be blown into obscurity
By the ever changing winds of fate

How dare you look down on THEM
Like they're to be used as your slaves
How long WILL the war fires burn
On through the futures
Of generations ...still being
Stoked by those
Now long gone......and rotting in their graves.

No ones future should be used
To pay for someone elses past

If you have a minute
Then you must -
- take the time
To give a little thought
To what you have in mind
So if you choose to speak
Instead of contemplate
You'll hear what you just said
A millisecond of time too late
And in your mind -
You'll wonder-  
Or then again... Maybe you won't
But if those people around you
Say they understand -
- but they really don't
You'll never have -
- a seconds time
Or the chance to take it back
The hours linger
The day's collide
The years we have
The thoughts we lack

The years we have
To fill a crumpled sack
The years we have
The years we have...
... To fill

Far far away- they seek surrender
From those who know not the cause
Of  the anger that they are feeling
Subject to constant ******* - without pause
They see no difference - and no future
In the past or in the present state
Insidious conflict being all they know now
Without direction- hopelessness - time will create
         Hopelessness does create

So they strike out in all directions
What we choose to call their Insurrection
By setting fire to their own homeland
Do they somehow believe they make a stand
If they do destroy - the place that they live
To a point where they resent all we try to give
To a point where in peace- death  will cradle
And in death - nothing but the past will they relive

So as the tanks roll across the dusty desert
Where hidden bombs blast holes in the streets
Trying , sometimes succeeding , killing  those coming  to their aid
Adding victories to their own defeats
In this war - now fought deep inside themselves
They're seeking peace in a game of blind man's bluff
And it's so sad that feeling of constant apprehension
Should cause such saturation of dissension

That it should cause them to **** their own people
By lashing out in such unrelenting hate
Will they not then insult the GOD that they worship and pray to
Therein causing GOD to resent all those who destroy ....
            ...what their  own GOD did create

I'm standing in the crosshairs
Of a future not yet broken
From the chain linked anchor
Sinking
Into the deepening depths
Of inspiration
Yet I'm as blank as tomorrow's paper
Before time presses in the letters

I am buried deep
Beneath the crossroads
Cursed to stand apart
From those with direction
Tasked to confuse
The faltering straggler
By adding doubts to their
Already overflowing collection

I am weary of this curse
I wear ...
Of overlapping cross-purposes
Where I feel my way
In total darkness
Along the walls
Of an ever narrowing tunnel
Squeezing me
Into a panic state....
Attempting
To force me to confess

That I crossed the line
Once upon a time
Long before
The first second did exist
So my passing by
Had no measure
Had no limits
Had no value
Placed by limitàtions
Needed...
For the formation
Of any creation

So in a sense I am
THE CROSSING GUARD
Disallowing
Any and all who seek
A way of crossing
By standing fast
Between
The future and the past

I am hollow to the core
Those
Who have tried
And failed
To break me down
Grow weary ..as I do
Eventually go away
And I stay
Forever more the door
Locked
Not to ever be opened

No race ends..... with
The sound of the starting gun
There are no short cuts
In the long run
In any contest where you find
You are the only one
Time may create measure where
You may finish long before you're done

Pace yourself
When you race yourself
Then the trophies you gather
Will overflow the shelf

To learn is to grow
And every race that you know
That you are a winner
If you move on as a beginner
Again and again you can win
Because it's been said
Everything that is old
Can be new again

Wednesday morning I woke up from my first night sleeping in the camper, and  I had that  disjointed feeling that comes from unfamiliarity.  I recognized  the interior of the camper, so that was not what was  triggering that closed in feeling that enveloped me, not claustrophobic really, it was more: comforting.  It is hard to put into words that kind of feeling, but as I am supposed to be an aspiring writer ......It would seem to be my responsibility to do so,,  or at least try.
    So as I lay there cradling the warm afterglow of a satisfying night of slumber and with pleasant dreams of…I’m hungry ! I suddenly thought to myself.  No! Actually I am starving, and just one look down at Stormy , lying on the floor and staring at me and  it was more than obvious that he too was hungry..
    “Okay, boy, I know.  I hear you..”
     “All we ate last night was those Fritos wasn’t it?”Stormy just stared at me with those big brown, expectant and hungry eyes..
   “ Sorry boy !  I am new at this.”  I said as I was just  realizing that I was fully clothed, This fact reminded me that I had come into the camper cruiser nine hours earlier, intending to fix me some food, had seen the bed laid out , done while setting up camp hours earlier, so I decided to see how comfortable it could possibly be .
    I remember laying down and  saying to myself, “  this ain’t too bad.”  Looking down at Stormy -closing my eyes- and well , here I am, nine hours later,  starving and being stared at by Stormy .
    .  6:30 AM Wednesday morning- and both of us starving  .   "Man!   Talk about exhaustion.!" I said to the world at large .
    “Just hang in there for a few minutes more  and we  will both have bacon and eggs today....  Okay?”
To which stormy happily  wagged  the whole rear half  of himself in undying gratitude.
     After breakfast I had a cup of coffee in my hands, and a buzz in my head as I sat down in the lawn lounge thingy ( It had even come with the camper) and watched the other people  go about their morning..
     Was this my story--the ever evolving story  of… Come on dude!  I chastised myself,  this is not your mission, to write about camping spots,  and the ever evolving state of one parking spot that                they are occupying.   .  But as I was beginning to slowly realize  ; my story , just might be more elusive than I  had taken time to consider.
      I glanced down at storm to see if he had any insight, an opinion of some great revelation for me,  but he was in his own world; lying there beside me and watching with rapt interest the antics of a pair of foraging gray squirrels as they skipped and be bopped among the branches of a huge white oak;   wherein  Stormy, unlike myself,  saw the big picture,,  all the story he needed was playing out in the branches of that tree.  This tree was his tree ……of life..!
    “Crazy little buggers   ain’t they boy?”  I remarked to him as I rubbed his head and neck , taking away a few precious seconds of his squirrel watching while he looked around me before returning his gaze back to the  acrobatics  of the little be boppers of the tree..  I went back to watching my new neighbors,  for in a sense-that is exactly what this is . Nt much  different from  the cul-de-sac.  I grew up on. ..  With one exception-vital as it is . I mean  that I only have  the imaginary view of these people , not  the  reality  that I had with… But then, I reassess my thought,,  reorganize my pattern as I remember that morning  .
     That crazy day with all the police  and ambulances suddenly appearing in the street..  All the neighbors  having  been bunched up  in curious knots to wonder what was happening at the Angleton’s.
   Like wind swept fire  to a field of tall grass, the rumors began spreading through  the street.
   “He killed her!”  Someone remarked abstractly..
    “Who?”  They all asked in comatose reality.
    “George Angleton” they said, “he killed his wife  and then he killed himself--I think”
    “Whyyyyy?”  They   bleated .
    “Do not know-I heard they had financial problems,  maybe that was it.”  They quoted equivocally.
    “There was always something funny about them.”  The little man said   fumbling the ball
   “Who?”  They all questioned again.
    “Angleton’s…  It was strange, I wouldn’t  let my kids go up there  on Halloween.. and that time he gave all comic books!”  The little man said with an air of superiority.
   “   Why is that?”  They argued in question.
     “You asked me he was trying to lure them kids in.”  He blundered and fell
    “You are nuts!  He was a sweet old man… It had to be… financial”  they persisted..
     “Say what you want-  but I know what I know-and he was weird.”  The little man overstated.
    “You did not even live around here.  That year he gave out comic books-did you?”   Somebody pointed out aggressively.
      “Well.... no,,” the little man sputtered,, “bububut I heard about it..”   The little man  beleaguered now     “So you never even met George!”   Someone accused  ..
     “Not personally; but all  the…” The little man started.
      “Get the hell away from me little man.” the whole crowd expressed in screaming silent looks .

The view held me hostage
As I look far to the west
Here high up this goat trail
From hiking to taking a rest
Two blues of ocean and sky
Mingle as they form the crest
This becomes my room tonight
As I watch the sun  caressed
By an horizon beaming with color
While cradling Sol to her breast
Darkness surrounds me gently
Settling in with a mind possessed
Laying back I watch stars appear
Second act that has long impressed
That time signed it for a long run
Acknowledging to all ....
         How well it passed its test
   Good Night !

I'm here to pick up the pieces
Of  a life I once knew
When I understood the reasons
And when I thought that I had a clue

To what life could be like
When you think that you found a home
And then you wake up find the dream gone
On the coldest day you've ever known

Before that day everything was perfect
She was the love of my life most beautiful I've known
  I was the Captain she was my Tennille... until
We went our separate ways and I was left alone

Complications seem to have a life of Their Own
So even though I can remember the way she went down
When I knew she was going I had to abandon the dream
And I had to pull myself up or let myself drown

Every so often someone answers my ad
And I drive out to meet and see if it's her
At least a small part of the dream that I had
That I can mount in my new dream as it were

So far nothing but a lot of false hopes
I'm superstitious and I know that one day I'll find
A keepsake ,a memory..a piece so awesome
So I can ***** it on the floor as a way to remind

Turn the last corner check the address
I wasn't prepared for The Rush that I got
There on the porch was more than I'd ever expected
Holding and caressing every inch of her there on the spot

You must be Ethan said the man who opened the door
it looks like you're getting acquainted
Yes sir I never thought I'd find a piece of the dream lost
This is more than I could have ever expected

Back into town tied down in the bed
Roll through the gate where my new dream was waiting
Well look at that McCrory said she came back to you
More than I hoped I said leave it to you to do the mating

I'll be back Monday morning to set off
If you think you can work your magic
And I can get back where I belong
It'll be done son one more day on dry land would be tragic

See you Monday then you old boat builder
Already barking orders  lend me a hand and let's see
They got oceans to sail and places to be  he bellowed out
Avast me hearties he said with a grin and a hearty wink at me

I see them walking
Holloweyed
Through the open ended questions
Of answers long denied

Pliant yet defiant
Inauspiciously claiming failures
As a placation to the future
Where we're all being lured

By obligation of invitation
Requiring servile adherance
To regimented augmentation
As we ponder our slow advance

Beyond perspicacious reasoning
Of all tried and untrue routes
Where war and pain Trump vision
When humanity is slain by vanity...
     ......as the future is subjected to the uncertainty ...
                    .......of all our failsafe doubts !!!
So......
I see us all falling
Blindly
Through the open ended questions
Of answers ....still  being pushed aside
AND  TOO LONG  DENIED !!!!!!!!!

I still have bad dreams
Each and every night
Don't know how to stop them
No matter how hard I try

I paused to smoke  a cigarette
Sat down on a bus stop bench
In my mind I watched the world go by
Some say just let go of it- like it's just a cinch

Keep the curtains drawn
Don't let in any light
Set the phone to messaging
Don't want to interact with anyone tonight
             With anyone tonight ...anyone tonight

But now I can't say what day it is
Cause I've lost all track of time
Wandering along the endless corridors
In the back pages of my mind

Keep on passing ancient shadows
As they keep going about their business
Of the one moment in the sun
When they were implanted with success

Like a tattood image planted
In that fatal garden of shame
When I think it's faded by familiarity
My mind drags me back like a moth to a flame

So please take me to the surface
Took all that I can take
Going round and round this maze I'm lost
Carrying this  weight is more than I can take

Nobody out there every time I look
But I feel like I'm not alone
That voice that rambles on inside my head
Like a broken tape recorder

          A broken tape recorder
          A broken tape recorder
          A broken tape recorder

       Can't bring my life in order !

That's what it says ...over and over ...over and over
Over and over ......over and over ....over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Over ..........................................................,

I watched him
He stepped out into sunshine
Stood staring around as if lost
Then took ten steps to stare at the sign
Memorial Hospital was what it read
And I couldn't imagine what thoughts
Were transpiring inside his head
I followed at a distance
To see what his day would bring
No thought of interacting or distracting
Just along with him I would string
He walked along for a mile or two
Just taking in the sights
And I almost started laughing out loud
As he fell backwards staring at some kites
Felt better when he took a  seat
He just seemed to find pleasure walking
Easily he was distracted
By the birds the flowers or the kites
To these he was extremely attracted
What goes through his mind
This huge hulking man... like was carved of stone
On the third day he sat on a bench for 5 hours
Staring out at the ocean seeing something only he was shown
Those 5 days that early June I followed him
9 a.m. to Twilight's dimming veil
So Friday morning was as usual
8:30 a.m. coffee at the Sidewalk Cafe
When I saw him standing at the rail
Once I noticed him he stepped around and approached
Excuse me he said  do I know you?
I've noticed you've been following me
But I haven't known what to do
I think... I think I have it figured out though
Then he smiled a smile and cocked his head
I'd be very pleased if today you would walk with me
Unless you'd like to continue following instead
Although....
he softly said ...I'd be grateful
To share with you each wonderful new surprise
And share the joy on your face knowing
That I'm seeing it all for the first time through your father's eyes

There are some things in life that are not to be denied for right then and there I laid my head down on my crossed arms and I cried and I cried  wondering if i can  regain my ability to talk as he stood quietly, solid as a stone until I looked up and said thank you I'd love to join you on your walk.
My name is ...............................

Ropes are an arbitrary constituent of
My often meandering campaign of self-sufficiency
Where often times I find myself wondering
If I were elected or selected for my role as the dejected

So the sudden appearance
Of this length of rope
Attached somewhere up above in obscurity
To dangle before me as innocently as a kids swing
Or as menacingly inviting as a 13 Loop hangman's noose

Timing is often the real hero
Or culprit
Of any grand production
Whether on the stage or in the simple act
Of oneself coming of age

With open eyes as I taste the lies
That had become so familiar to the script
That I never even trip
As the words  would slip
Lifeless and indistinguishable
From my hapless lip

There was a time as I wandered
Around the cracked and worn down
Asphalt parking lot in my mind
Seeking a parking spot and often finding
Naught- as once again the daily spin
Had ushered in
That loud and obnoxiously redundant crowd
Of oxygen-dependent hypocrites
That look and sound and think
Just like me

That then is the point where I begin
To accept that no parking spot exists
As I make the endless loops and twists
Assuming that I can convince myself
It's just my bad luck
To be looking left- as I drove right by
What obviously I must have missed

LIE... an absolute  lie !!

Right there in front of me like a flashing Neon traffic cone
So even if I close my eyes
To pretend that I don't recognize and realize
Its very existence
But I know and I saw  and I heard
It all... The very second that it occurred
As the blinding flash so intense
As to make me wince
As it penetrates my fragile human eyelids

I am there
So disengaging  the  useless gear
Setting the brake... For my stranded
Almost abandoned
Soul's sake

Killing the ignition as a form of contrition
Open the door and take the key... As if it were a part of me
Wondering what was the reason for
Being that a crowd of me
Would actually steal anything from myself
Wait a minute...
... I've already been doing that. A lot
A whole parking lot

I cannot stay here among the throng
For very long
Reminding me of just how wrong
A man can really be

I need to walk and walk
Let my inner voice and my fragile shell
Have a long past due talk
As a way to maybe break the spell '
So with a swift  backward glance
Gave to me that welcome chance....
... To see
That this was my lot in life
Where what I was leaving behind
was in fact...
Right there- right where it belonged
Parked in the very parking spot
I had been looking for
That that I had had all along all along

A crowded mind
Makes it extremely hard to find
The power in taking the lead...
By helping out
That part of yourself that sometimes goes blind

There is not an easy fix or magic tricks
Or any color wax to fill in all the nicks
No school books or rule books
No tools hidden in some obscure nooks
That the ID or the EGO somehow always overlooks

So with wide open eyes
as
I'm walking
in circles
Endless circles
So when that rope materialized
Weary to the bone I'm so dreadfully tired

As if in quicksand I were mired

And so concerned
About the way my directions had turned
I continued determinedly onward
To work out the kinks and find the weak links

   Determined to identify
As I learn to rely
On my ability to accept
That
To try is to try
Only I will ever know
The depth of that turn
Or the heights of my concern
Or when
I yanked myself
Back up to the surface

The circles that I now walk
Knowing that I have not a single clue
Where or which way I'm going
No sign posts or  monuments to mark the horizon

I'm noticing
That these circles
As I hold on to this rope
ARE
Getting smaller as to shorten the distance
Between the times I wallow in
The incendiary and intrusive and abusive
As the future will be
Filled with those inconclusive reasons why
Across this path over and over and over again
With increasingly diminishing respite

No loss is ever absolute if the resolute
Soul of man can accept that there's always
A plan when looking with more than just eyes
While hearing with more than just the ears
Believing what was heard is more than just word upon word
Hope is as I am now at the crossroads of hope
A sunny  field of dew - tinged flowers

As that rope has led me down to simple single turns
Each time completing a circle
No slack left
But I am far far from bereft
As I am now aware of where
I am
The end of the rope
And therefore out of Hope?
Nope !!

' I  at the U turn
The New Direction
The ever-expanding revelations
The lengthening and strengthening of my path
And able now to see my false trail end

So with key in hand
I  reverse course and with no remorse
I'm going back to that spot
In that now empty parking lot
Marveling at that now pristine silence
So now we have a much lighter load
I turn the key put my life in gear
And get back out on the road

Oh how I love a good road trip

Far beyond
The coming dawn
I sail through a purpose driven
Alert to any alarm
To avoid any harm
To this wonderous gift given
Sometimes the view aloft
Hard edges appear as soft
But be not fooled and pulled into its clutches
So many rail at how they fail
By seeking to curtail your ability to sail
That juggernaut of jealousy
Destroying all that it touches
Blind devotion
To a false emotion
Would leave them could they sail

With unconscionable fear
As beauty would appear
That to live sans purpose is alarming to know
That distance lost
When a life goes stale

Far beyond the view seen
Time awaits those caught between
The two worlds pulled together
Those reasons left behind
When closing down an open mind
Accepting with no knowledge that you had been bound down by thoughtless tether

Thinking with devotion
To your own trust and vision
Will sever the tether that bound down
Giving life to hope by simply accepting....
.... that it is
your own decision .

To be purpose driven

Taken in
by the pagan spin
of abusive words spoken to repair what they won't  admit ...is broken
no civilized advancement comes stepping up to convincingly rent
All intwined like a wayward vine
Bending and twisting completely devoid of any spine
No amount of concentration
Allows me the sleightest indication
How one can collude with others of such attitude
Void of fairplay or honor
consistant in attempting to intrude

My pillow would turn to solid stone
My mind would beg for me to please atone
The dismal days I'd have could I climb out of bed
The pain would hover over filling me with dread

Each day to weigh heavier like a growing cancer
That knowledge that a question awaits an answer
That I could not acknowledge by truth I know
Nor can I go down the list...that liars row
To insult others as well as my own sacred being

If you sleep with ease I do wonder

HOW MANY DEMONS are you no longer FLEEING ?

By pure chance and Circumstance
I fell headlong into a romance
Of a kind I've never even dreamed
A love so intense at a distance so immense
So to this truth I make no pretense
How far beyond the pale of reality it seemed
Not as time passed not as days go by
Even though......
Within 10 minutes of text talk
I realize now I became addicted
No drug I've ever used casually or abused
Has ever left me that quickly afflicted
Chemical imbalance suddenly existed
A need so strong not to be resisted
How to come to terms I had to admit
I was getting stupid ...becoming a fool
I saw it clear as glass but I couldn't quit
She listened to me rambling on... stumbling....falling
My need to constantly text her
to constantly be calling
Though I slowly came to determine
That addiction
Was not the problem
It was the cravings I begin to fear
Laying it out best I could saying if you can't deal it's understood
To which she said baby I'm not going anywhere

And I flew off on gossamer wings
To dance upon ephemeral clouds
Slide down the rainbow *****
Immersed in the cheering of invisible crowds
Whose encouragement gave me reason to believe
That maybe I was worthy of such great heights
Not to the Moon as so often it is said
Instead
To believe someone with whom I can dance with among the starlites

So it was thru my poetry that we came to meet
Saying she loved the poem she just read
It was when she read the pages of my novel
Saying the same words that so many others have also said
So my only explanation... that makes sense of it is ...
..... many had told me you are good you need to finish
Knowing that I had let doubt cause me to quit
Knowing I had started so strong and let it all diminish
It was those on Hello Poetry who read and encouraged
Pulling me up from my hole  to help me stand
Taking me to the edge of the pool and saying we know you can swim
Whereas  she did the same... only.... she got into the water with me....
.... and took me by the hand

I was immersed!!
    

There on the wrinkled landscape
Of  topographical coloration
I blast two staccato echoes
A subtle shrill arpeggio at fade out
So subtle a difference that I can't say I hear it
Though I am the director
Of that whistles orchestration

Far across the valley bottom camouflaged by pattern
They will appear somewhere among that sea of white
The receivers pop up in mirrored action
Tiny pinpoints of color among the sea of white
I don't need to be able to see them to know
The exchange of glances anticipation of coming attraction
This is what they live for.... that call to attention
As they await like teenagers or #45 for another tweet

Glancing now at each other and aware
Of that growing sense of  anxiety among their charges
My hesitation stemmed from viewing all the Majesty
But I am aware from way up here of the tension below
And with the valleys steeped in ever darkening shadow
The two miles trek to the awaiting gate and the holding pen
I blow a quick quip to start Sas  and Rocket to bring em in
Then as if of 1 mind they lead em home ...leading from behind

An  addiction to action where by  almost supernatural
Is their ability to move by nip and slip around the throng
Attentive to any wayfarers lost in transit
Encouraging less enthusiastic or lost youngster to move along
Sending the adolescents screaming in terrorized panic
As they are  absorbed into the mass of slow moving wool
And only after the last one of them passes thru ...do
The pair allow themselves ...with the closing of the gate

That romp of triumphant joyfull play as they await their reward
They will receive for their day of working like a dog
That bowl of food that awaits them is secondary to the real prize
To that smile and well done pat on the head or belly scratch

From their beloved master for that is really what they live for!!!

Every so often as we move along the trail
We meet those who walk along beside us
Some for just a few steps before a direction change
Others a step and two - you start looking for a bus

So rare when out of nowhere a sojourner steps in
At least that's what it seems to be ...then after a time
You realize you really don't know who joined who
So rare is the honor given and recieved that sublime

Is the word that seems fitting due to.. its rarity of use ...
... height and breadth of its inclusionary valuation
Finding the courage to walk the highwire of conversation
Without a net and that is not the normal inclination

A breath of fresh air through a dusty dead air space
Conversation so often drags along creating a rut
But time harmonizing along the trail a foot or endless mile
Has a key to locked doors and  inspired need to open windows

That I as I'm sure ,like so many others,  have.....
                         at some sad impulse driven moment ...nailed shut !!

( a gift was written this morning at the request of a friend ,for her sister - who puts her hopes in dreams.)

Life would be too perfect
Were it all just a dream
But does that mean it won't be
When all the past is seen

In so much hurry to grow up
Like all kids do I suppose
Now we have our own example
Each with a mini me and only Lord knows

*** all those times we had
All those vacations at Lake Wapapella we shared
LOL along with the owner's son who liked me best
And how we would wander off in our world of dreams
I love our lives together back then along with the rest

Our shared lives without the intrusion
Of petty lies alibis..well one intrusion did occur
When love was tossed into loss and pain, jealousy and confusion

But like I said life would be perfect were it a dream
That sad maddening time when life interferes
Were that a dream more nightmare I swear
I would wake myself by my screaming drowning in my tears

We sure seem to be sharing life again
In so many indescribable Ways and Means
Where someday soon  again we will share our physical beings
Where we will again be able to share those late-night talks of life and love and dreams


So Michelle never let your dreams Slide Away or be tossed
Time has a wicked sense of humorous abstraction
For nothing is ever forgotten or ever lost
Sometimes it seems they reappear by means of distraction
But in any dream....there is one thing I will never lose
Is that we still have each other and our shared commonality
And that is a dream wrapped up in a dream packed in a box for delivery called reality

And that has to be one of lifes most wonderful gifts.
And what dreams are made from .

Only so much illusion
Qualms the confusion
Borne upon
The empty soapbubbles
As they assend into skies
Where placid wlnds
Pretends
To be itself in disguise
While the sun
With deep regret
Desends into darkness
Beyond the edge of it
Which is in denial
As the cause of
Some solar implosion
Night after night
The remnants
Splatter themselves
Upon lucid skies
Immune to the horror
After so many times
No nonsense
Will be tolerated
At this somber time
When the fading light
Drags across
A pervious shroud
That somewhere
Beyond reason
Of  the mortal mind
There
Holds promises
Of superiority
Where the hopes
Of faith beyond
Dreams combined
By tiny pinpoints
Lights that ignites
Autonomous visions
Soon confined
To a Godless decision
Borne upon
Intelligent design
Where  those skies
That once inspired
Now lay mired
In that darkness
Beyond
That edge where.
The sun goes to die
To be born again
rising from the east
Yet there seems
To be no regret
That modern being
Bathed in eternal light
See no GOD in darkness
Those skies that lit faith
Hold less mystery
When faith
Is bound to earth
And only so much illusion
Qualms the confusion
Of those not borne
Away on those
Faith filled soapbubbles
Ascending
To anywhere beyond
The intelligent design
Of manmade darkness
Where
No true light
Is now allowed to shine

Beyond the shining surface
Of any worthwhile endeavor
Lay the here and now we allow
A past we struggle to drag along or sever

For there with each turning page
Accumulates and demonstrates
A need for an infinate coming of age
Or tatters shredded and scattered by fortunes
  or misfortune of the fates we seek to engage

Built upon the ancient ruins entwines
The once shining examples of progress
As layer upon layer of those literal designs
Where thoughts are seeds run through the press
       To become orphan dreams  or deemed success

In solitude and volunteeraly those who suffer
Through the constant battle of doubts ebb and flow
Laying down our lives with each ream as a buffer
To the insecurities constant nipping and ripping apart
    Every letter ,word ,page and chapter line after line in tow

Is that dream we seem to cling to where the world
That sometimes looks beyond that very same glossy surface
We gave so much of ourselves to create that to be sure in reflection
We see more than just a cover and to know beyond are the words
    We gave life to hoping it gives our time struggle and pain a purpose

Not to be glossed over!!!!

Long past
That
Time to dispell
Chronocolonization
Of a complication
That
Rose up in
My generation

I'm not toten
This
Frickin weight
No more
Gonna knock it..,
DOWN
STOMP IT
Into the ground
And then...
When
I am finished
Sweep it out
The door

It was a ......
MADgical time
As ...we...re re..
Realized
That life
Could be ...
....a ....
Box of ******* jacks
If WE WERE
Willing
To forget the prize

Seeking out lives
WITHOUT
all those comp
Complications
WE WERE ...
the ....
drop out
and TUNE in
generation
Me and that dial
Spun with ....
FREQUENCY
I just
never
found the station

But I more than
Earned
What I learned
So ...as far as
I am -
and ever will be
CONCERNED
It would be
A far far
Different
WORLD....now
Were the tables
Not turned

I can
I can look back
Past
time-worn decades
shuffle those
torn ,tatteered and ...
dog-eared cards
play that hand
before it fades

Smiling
as it goes by
In ...
Psychedelic parade

MAYBE ....
maybe that dream
that seemed ...to be
WAS...just
passion of youth
and pure fantasy
As just the hope ..
and honesty of
Totally effected me

So no
I will not...
smash and sweep
There is
good and bad
In all memories
We KEEP
SO....
someday...I may
Take a faithful
That faithful leap

As I try
To find
A means
Amends to convey
That ...
WE WERE NOT
rebelling against you
Our parents ...in any way!

The fact is
WE heard you
speaking
to each other
or friends
In hushed tones
When
WE WERE
Toddlers to TEENS
About how YOU
THE GREATEST GENERATION
came home to be
Pushed and torn
between
Your dignity and
The new AMERICAN
reality
As the rise
Up
Of the...Military
Industrial machine

You did not
Know
What you were
Part of....
THEN

COGS in the disease
That new cognitive insolence
Of RICH and greed
driven men

We've gone a long way
To be still mired
In that same ...
...nightmare

WE may have had
Some
Instinctual vision
Of the pressure
Induced
That must ...have
Left you confused
as you were forced
to make us leave
And in silence you
Had to grieve

And though time
Did mellow all pain
As we sought out
a reprieve

And now though
it must be said
WE
must have felt
the words
As well as
Heard your pain

To go
from the greatest

The greatest generation
To become
The next wars slaves
Confused
Not sure what to do
So WE WERE
Your voice ,your rebellion
We were inspired
To stand up
the way you wanted to

YOU gave us life ....
WE gave you voice !!