You are the very best kind of liar.
The kind that lies to my emotions.
The kind that makes me weak,
Makes me believe,
Makes me feel.

You tell lies to a person's heart.
You lied to mine.
Time and again, you proved your skill,
And I proved my foolishness.

You are the kind of liar
That speaks with such honesty.
You're sorry.
You'll be there for me.
You are the liar that lies
To the desperate heart.
That deceives the reason
And banishes the doubt.
The kind of liar that makes
Me believe
That I'm lying to myself.
That you were there.
Are there.
Will be there.

You are the best kind of liar.
And me,
I am the worst kind of fool.

I wish I had your body warmth here, with me.
The sound of your voice... Anything really.
It's like a contest. Whoever caves first loses.
And the grand prize is disappointment.
You always win...

Why do I always believe
Even the most obvious lies?
It's because I'd rather fool myself,
Instead of admitting the cold truth of:
You're incapable of love.

I'd rather deny my own reality,
Than acknowledge your true cruelty.
These dark shadows on my skin,
They're bruises from your demon within.
And do I dare examine my heart?
I know you've shredded it apart.
And my friends,
They plead with me to make it end.

Yet, I ignore all of this,
Even though I'm scared shitless.
Because if I do admit to your abuse,
I'm terrified of what you'll do.
And as sick as it is, I'm not sure I can stop loving you.
Because your "love" is all I've ever known.
And I'm not sure I'll make it on my own.

I see your face
I crave your company
why am I so full of wanting?
enamored with your smile
your roaming fingers
entranced by what is
behind your eyes
I'll grow close to you
take your love
and **** it dry
I
am
a monster.
never satisfied.

You are my greatest reality.
Know why?
Because you are reassuring.
You are not complex, simply because you choose not to be.
I know that when I’m angry at you, It’s probably my fault.
Because you were just being you.
And I love that.
So why should I be mad?
Then I’m not.
When I’m living life,
And we’re living life,
And you stop for a second and smile my way
Or gently touch my hand,
Or my arm,
It hurts my heart
In the best of ways.
I guess people call that feeling “Longing”
Because I feel so overwhelmed by you
And overwhelmed by the feeling that  I want to make you feel that longing too.
But who knows if I do.
I hope I do.
Please Don’t ever think that I am trying to be “Needy”.
Because I’m not.
It’s not that I need you
Ok, that sounds terrible, but I think you understand.
It’s just that I can need you. So I do.
You fuel me
You inspire me
You encourage me
You let me be myself to you.
You even said that you prefer when I do so.
That’s crazy.
You are like a cup of good coffee.
Maybe not...
I prefer you over coffee any day.
Although I might get pretty grumpy without it.
But then again I’d be even more grumpy without you.
Anyway,
I think that we make a good team, and you are my best friend.
So that’s a plus.
I hope that you always know how insanely special you are to me.
Sometimes I think what it would be like if I was with someone else.
Or if you were with someone else.
If you and I were only a little bit friends.
And I hate that.
It makes my stomach hurt.
And I get all teary-eyed
Because you are my missing puzzle piece.
And I think God did that on purpose.
I know He did.
And an incomplete puzzle gets thrown out.
Or donated to Goodwill
And that place smells weird.
Like, super weird.
You of all people know that I wouldn't survive very long.
In a place that smells weird.
So I hope that someday God will allow us to be together.
In a forever kind of way.
I would really love that.
But for now,
I am so deeply in like with you.
And I thank you.
For being you.
And always putting up with me.
And most of all, for always leading me.
I will follow you wherever you lead me.
Because I know that you will follow God wherever He leads you.
And that is the greatest reality I could ever in my life time ask for.
That's all.

I hate everything
myself
you
the mirror
the dust coating on the
material items
i hate those too
and this.
I hate the blue sky
and endless goodbyes
i hate the color of your eyes
and the sound of your familiar sighs
i hate the way you move and
everything about you
I hate my brokeness
I hate my wholeness
I hate my family
and faking smiles
I hate emptiness
lonliness
and people
and I hate my craving to
just be loved
and I hate that i am not.

because i miss you.

i miss you so much.
i miss your hands
the hands i used to write poetry about

before i started feeling empty again.


and now i feel alive, but it hurts so bad.


and i want to be near you
and smell your scent
and rub my face against your chest

and feel the skin on your back
against the palms of my hands


and your lips against mine


and that's why i don't want you to read this.

because it means that i'm wrong
and scared
and weak.


but if you read this
you would look at me and tell me that i'm beautiful and strong



and i would just keep being angry at myself.




i just want to stop missing you.
please don't read this.



i miss you.