I'm sorry for the way that I am;
For all of my flaws, all of my insecurities.
I'm sorry for the way that I am;
The way I gravitate towards you,
the way I light up when I see you.
I'm sorry for the smile that plasters across my face
when you tell a story.
For the way I think about you always,
writing thousands of words to try to describe you.
For how I instantly miss you,
craving your voice,
craving your warmth.
I'm sorry that I constantly sing
the notes of your name.
I wish you could hear the melodies I can create.
I'm sorry for always trying to be happy,
but failing regularly.
I'm sorry for being kind,
caring too much,
and hoping for a better tomorrow.
I'm sorry for being jealous.
For all the times I was too protective,
for the times I watched you cry and didn't grab your hand;
For the long letters I've written you,
the pictures I was too shy to take,
and for losing who you used to be.
I'm sorry for not being enough for you.
For being so dark, such a tortured soul.
For the scars on my wrist,
the imperfection of my body,
the half hearted smile.
For letting myself care too much.
I'm so sorry;
So sorry, for the way that I am.

You are going to be okay. I know it hurts now.. the burning in your chest will recede; your hands will stop shaking; your stomach will settle. A million times you've felt this, I know. It's not fair. It's not fair to give everyone your all in hopes that God will bless you for trying to be a better person; a better friend; daughter; sister. The world is harsh. It's going to knock you on your back a thousand times over. It's not your fault that you were born the way you were; short temper, quick to trust, quick to love. It's not your fault that you've been left in every way, shape, and form. Maybe they don't see you as who you are trying to be, only for who you were. I know it seems hard right now, everything is going like a roller coaster, so many ups and so many downs. But I wanted to tell you that one day this will all go away. Whether by your own means, or anothers. It doesn't really matter... but someday you'll heal. You are conflicted, and you will be for a long time. There are hard decisions throughout your whole life, you just have to learn to battle through. I know you are hurting, but please, try to stand tall. You will gain other friends, other loves. One person shouldn't cost you the whole world.

Chin up, my friend.

You don't deserve me, as a friend.
All I ever do is hurt.
I hurt you; I hurt me.
I am constantly empty;
constantly broken.
You deserve better than that.
Someone whole,
who you can laugh with;
smile with;
dream with.
Someone who hasn't been to battle with the world.
You don't deserve me.
You deserve so much more.

We are completely and utterly ****** up.

Daddy stomps his feet around;

rawr, rawr, rawr

Little brother stands defiantly;

screaming, "I hate you; I will **** you all!"

tears streaming down his face;

once innocent but now always covered

in anger, in insecurities, in uncertainty.

And mama is in the recliner;

slurring sarcastic comments.

A glass of wine for each hour of the day.

Where's sister you ask?

Well she's probably not here; trying to escape.

Filled with such an anger, such a stubbornness.

Or maybe she's in her room dancing;

not very good at it, but an outlet none the less.

As all of this psychotic behavior is enveloping

the lives of these people, I sit on the couch

an just watch it all.

Shut off to the world, I sit.

And I laugh and laugh at the fact,

that we are completely and utterly ****** up.

What would you say if I took my own life?
Would you ignore me then like you ignore me now,
would you sit down and cry?

What would you do if you saw me lying on the bed.
Drenched in a pool of red sticky mess,
lying down where I had bled.

Would you come to a conclusion,
that you loved me like before.
Or would you turn around and walk on out,
because I mean nothing to you anymore.

Would you remember how my hands felt,
wrapped around your waist.
Would you remember how we'd hold each other,
always feeling safe.

And then would you think of how you left me,
to hurt all on my own.
Never sending a kind word my way,
never picking up your phone.

Would you regret cancelling plans,
or fighting on that one day.
Would you regret leaving everything unsaid,
would you have anything to say.

Would you kiss my cold forehead,
like I kissed yours once warm.
Would you feel like your whole world was crashing around you,
can you feel your heart being torn.

Would you realize that I loved you,
always putting you before.
Would you realize that you loved me too,
and wish you'd given more.

I think of all these scenarios that go on through my head.
The saddest part about it all is you wouldn't care if I were dead.

Today is a day that you should be happy
           that it is illegal to **** people
                 just for the hell of it

I'm talking to you!
No, not you!
You there!
With the baseball jersey and very odd nose!

It's your lucky day my boy,
lucky this gun is only a toy.
Lucky this  fist isn't made of iron!
If your face was all black and blue, would everyone still admire?
Would you still be Mr. Popular,
Would you make the ladies swoon?
If I rearranged that pretty face
to look like a baboon.
Would you be mad if I took a sledge hammer,
To the windshield of your car?
Would it be inappropriate of me
to smash it with a bar?
I would never do any if this of course,
I am far too nice.
But if it wasn't illegal to **** people,
Well, I don't think I'd think twice.

Selfishness;
with alcohol lying thick on her tongue.
Words spoke in cursive,
coming out in neat lines of hysteria.
What should I do,
should I leave, should I stay?
Kids crying as her questions float in the air.
Memories flooding back;
Same story, different parent.
If once was enough, twice is too much to bare.
Hating the one person I could always count on;
who was so strong the last time around;
who I strive to portray.
I am not this; nor will I ever be.
This whimpering lump of useless profanity,
this particle of betrayal...
Why? a thousand times I've asked;
to only get hit with a thousand more insults
from the mother who sunk to the bottom of the bottle.

Hiding behind a smile;
keep it in my eyes,
its more believable that way.
It doesn't matter what I think;
it doesn't matter what I feel;
it doesn't matter what I want;
It doesn't matter why I want it:
It just matters that I keep quiet.
I've become good at it;
about changing what I think,
my ****** expressions,
the way I answer questions..
Hiding;
hiding everything..
I am good at it.
You would never know.

Why don't you love me anymore?

I don't know what I did to make it change;
I try to act like like it doesn't matter to me anymore.

But it does.

And you... you have no idea how it feels.
If you were going to do this to me,
why did you ever make a promise?
A promise to stay and love me..

Always.

I know I mess up, and I know I'm extremely selfish.
But I work on those flaws everyday.
Just to try to make you happy,
all I ever want is for you to be happy.

You say you are tired of this argument.
Well I'm tired of this pain.
You said forever, and so did I.
I guess the only difference is that I meant it.

Sometimes I wish that those moments never happened.
Why should they have, if their only purpose was to torment me.
You say you remember...
What! What do you remember?!
You tell me nothing... nothing.
Just leave me here with nothing..
You know I would do anything for you.
I just wish you loved me like I loved you.

It hurts so bad...
I don't want there to be another tomorrow.
What is the point of tomorrow if it will never be a happy one?
There isn't.

You have no idea how much I value you or cherish your existence.
You make me feel so happy...
but you hurt me so badly.
All I want to know is why?

Why don't you love me anymore?

And you..
you can't even give me that.

Sometimes, it hurts;
          the world, crashing down around you.
But you just gotta take a breath;
          square your shoulders and throw
                     up your ******* if need be.

I am starting to live a life filled with razor blades again.
They are everywhere,
on the window sill,
on the night stand,
on top of the drawers.

My room constantly oozes red blood;
it would be so easy.
It hardly hurts anymore,
one flick of the wrist and it would be over.

No more dark days,
pain filled nights,
broken heart.

I could just

rest.

I wouldn't have to take sleeping pills anymore,
or ask God not to think of you.
I wouldn't have to feel as if I were drowning;

razor blades;

*I could just rest.

I just was sitting here thinking and...

Thank You.

Thank you for everything you have taught me.
Every lesson, good and bad that has made me
Find a new component within myself.

I am weak, I am selfish: I am strong, I am selfless.
So many different parts of me have been brought to my attention.
I became good friends with myself after sitting there,
Alone in my room,
Creating melodies and thinking of every element of you.
Day, after day, after day.

Thank you for letting me realize that I could
Live without you.

IF,

If I wanted to.


But I don't.


So thank you for letting me realize that too.
And realizing that there actually might be a plan,
A plan that was made specifically for
Me..
A path that I'm supposed to walk down.

I choose to walk down the same path as you.
To mold each one of my footprints into yours,
Like I did in the evening on the Santa Cruz beach.
And silently clasp my hand in yours.

Just to say,
I'm here with you because I chose to be here.
And have you not say anything,
But just look at me with that look that you do.

That look that says,
Thank You for staying.
And we both smile because we're here together.

Thank you for letting me spill my thoughts on you
Like red grape juice.
And thank you for only removing the stains that hurt you,
Letting me pretend that I didn't say those words
When I was inebriated..
Drunk off of your personality and your secretiveness.

I feel as if I should shake your parent's hands,
Maybe thank them for bringing you into this world.
Or maybe I should shake God's hand.
Because I mostly see Him when I'm with you.

Thank you for every moment of laughter
And aching sweetness.
For every single tear we've both cried..
For the nights that no one else would understand,
And for the days that you infected me with happiness.

Thank you for being mine:

My plan,
My path,
My savior.

And most importantly,

Thank you for loving me.

What did the world have to say
On this bright and clear mocking May day?
The day that physically mimicks 9/11.
Do you remember that fateful morning where so many went to heaven?
The plotters death was marked this very day
After it was announced that a group of SEALS took him away.
I'm not sure its a good thing to be happy of his demise.
I've been asking the same question all day...why?
I'll tell you why:

I remeber being a little girl standing by the TV,
Watching the planes and buildings on the screen.
One.
It seems to be some kinda accident..
Two.
Its a terrorist attack, isn't it?
I saw that 747 bank left and drive hard
Into the side of that building that blew out tiny shards
Of glass and fire raining from above,
Along with the paperwork and the terrorists love.
Shocked cries from the street and gasps filled the air
Manhattan was on display and the whole world stared.
Then awhile later at 9:03 a.m.,
The shock and horrid pictures were played over again.
As another Boeing flew through the side.
We were all wondering.."How many have died?"
Cries filled the air as one building
P
     L
           U
               M
                     M
                           E
                               T
                                   E
                                       D
To the ground.
And the screach of hot metal was the only sound
Ashes and smoke hung over the city like plague,
Not letting us in on how many lives it had claimed.
I vividly remember watching people fall through the sky.
Not taking death by fire but instead...






















Suicude...




Then we watched as another fell story by story.
And when the air finally cleared, there was nothing more to see.

T           L E             U B           T H            D E            Y B            A D
  H      I      S       R        B      E      A       A      E       R      O      S
     E P          O F              B L           T M            V E            D Y

Soon unearthed a cross and an American Flag.
This country became stronger with every tear that fell from her eye.
We soon set off into the hills of the desert with one mission: Osama dies
It may have taken 10 years but we found you hiding like a coward.
I hope you got the death you so rightly deserved.
Just remember: America is not perfect at all.
But we stood as one nation under god on that day in the fall.
This whole country rejoiced when the news was said,
Obama came on the screen and said "Osama is dead"

If you hit us first, we'll hit you harder.
We won't stop until we've finished what you've started.

Sometimes, when I watch you fall asleep; and you bring your hands close to your chest and tuck your head towards your shoulder..

                  I just want to have you hold me.

Not for any reason other than I feel so vulnerable all of the time. For once, I just want to feel so safe, be so warm. I just want to let go of everything else and hold onto you.

                  *I just want to have you hold me.

Goodbye hello poetry. It was nice knowing you, and you've helped me through a lot of tough times. Unfortunately, you're starting to cause me more problems. I'll miss you.

When I lie down to sleep, I promise myself that you won't cross my mind.
But when i lay here in the quiet of the night, my thoughts slowly drift to you.
My mind wanders to moments past.
And I can still feel your touch on my skin.
I can feel the warmth of your sweet whispers absorb into my cheek.
I can feel your chest slowly rise and fall against mine.
And I can feel the warmth of your lips press to my hand before you drift off unto slumber.
My heart beats fast like it did when you put your hand over my chest.
I still can"t breathe when I think about not having you.
I know things have changed.
But those were my favorite days.
It didn't happen overnight.
But now I look back and everything is different.
My reality is without you.
But my thoughts and dreams allow you to swallow me up.
I miss your beautiful hands and your emerald green eyes that look straight into mine.
Like you can see my soul.
Hold me,
And let me hear you sigh in your sleep.
Hold me,
And let this love we have, this bond, this friendship thats so different...
Last forever.

Somber room.
Cheery music playing loudly,
Drowning out the screams of lost lives.
Pictures hanging depicting scenes of innocence.

Ironic.

Because all innocence is dead in this room.
Mostly women but a man or two
Trickle in with bowed heads.
The door clicks shut and the faces in the room soften.

Tension leaves shoulders.
Some here for support,
Others here to be supported.

Chilly air hits one body,
Two heartbeats.

Jokes made to ease the atmosphere.

Awkwardness.

Could I cut the tension with a knife?
I'm sure I could if I tried.
Care packages given,
Evidence to be burned.

Look in the eyes of the ones who sit,
Stares at the floor,
Thinks of nothing.

The slight chant of the protesters.
Holding rosaries,
Holding signs.
All they want to do is save a life
But sometimes a life can't be saved.

New opinions, new outlooks.
Do I agree?
No.
But here I sit silently.
Does that make me evil?
Does that mean I am as unworthy as they?

I wish to never sit in this room again.
I wish to hold life, not **** it.

I pray for all in this room.

It's not fair for you
to not tell me
you love me.

If you don't love me
then don't walk up to me with that look in your eyes,
or that small smile on your lips,
or that laugh bubbling out of your chest.

Don't walk up to me like you love me.
Walk up to me like you have no idea who I am,
or what I stand for,
or what I wish for.

Don't let me make my day by making yours.

Don't let me love you
If you refuse to show me the same courtesy.

You'll never know the burn of a blade,
as I know it.
Cold and hard against my skin,
yet so soft and yeilding as it slices into my flesh.
My good friend,
where have you been for so long?
I miss your steely kisses on the inside of my arms.
Your pain infused words that
dance
      across
               my
                    hips.
Oh sweet love, I have missed you.
Sit next to my bed side on your throne of honor;
bathe in my blood; sip it from a goblet like wine
until we both lose consciousness from the pain...
So much better now that it is out of my heart,
and onto my skin.
Hello again, old friend.
Hello.

Hot breath, fog on the window.
Hands on the glass frame
Holding on,
Pain, shame!
A silent tear slides down rounded cheek
Leaked down from a clear blue pool of
Innocence and sincerity and strength.
Questions flying throughc clouded mind,
Emotion held with in a sigh.
Smile brightly, laugh out loud.
Sleeves pulled down, wristbands wary
Waiting for the shock and dismay
For the rejection and harsh words.
Bring on the hurt...
Emotional pain is ten times worse
Than anything else.
Muscles tense and waiting,
Yearning for redemption.
Back tight, jaws clamped.
Eyes piercing against the bland mask
That hides all.
Lips ready to quiver or
Fake words of comforting empathy.
Voice waiting for its cue
To laugh and chase away any type of doubt.
Hands, clenching and unclenching,
Showing more emotion than anything.
Finger nails digging into palms
Leaving bright red crescent marks.
Feet sluggishly sliding from destination to destination.
Will it ever stop raining?
Will the sun ever shine?

Sometimes I think we may be the same person.
So much that;
when you tell me secrets
I already know them.
When you laugh;
smile;
cry;
frown;
I do as well.
Maybe more so,
as I have the emotion of two people
filling my heart.
Sometimes, I think we may be the same person.
So much so,
that when I dream a dream,
you dream the same one;
waking with the same song
stuck in both our heads.
So much so,
that when I leave,
I feel a giant hole in my center,
the perfect outline of your heart.
So much so,
that sometimes I really do believe
that we are the same.

You say its just a teenege thing
So my pain I cannot tell.
You yell at me everytime
I put on my black veil.
I tell you there is nothing wrong,
I keep lying through my teeth.
I'm pretty sure you give zero *****
About what I'm feeling underneath.
You say to get lost in another world so I can't feel the hurt,
But did it ever occur to you that I'm already lost
and need to find my own world first?
Do I have a source of light?
Yes. With out a doubt.
But my sun can't fight this
Dark eclipse that's trying to shut it out..
Maybe I need to get away, just leave for awhile.
But the only thing that keeps me here
Is my only reason to smile.
I keep feeling the tears ***** at my eyes
But I've been taught that only the weak are allowed to cry.
Am I weak? Hell no. Well maybe just a bit.
The shame and pain wash over me as I stare down at my wrist..
All I can say is I'm sorry I disappointed you, again.
I understand if this makes you not want to be my friend
Do I need you? Yes, more than you will know.
But I promise, if you want it, just say and I'll let go.
Though half of me will be with you when you take your leave,
The empty side will be okay as long as you are free.
If you ever see this, you'll probably shake your head and say no.
But I guess I just love you enough to let you go...
This depression ***** with my head. Everytime.
Whatever, it wont change.
No worries, I'll be fine.

I don't think it's your fault
                         that you don't know how to help me.

I don't think it's your fault
                         that I feel like you are




*watching



                                                             ­                    me




drown.

Help.

I wonder...
With this new year,
        will you change again?
Will you change for the better?
        Will you change for the worst?
Will you throw down your guard and run to me,                   will you continue to make me hurt?
Will I change too,
         like I have,
                  like I do?
Or will I continue to hold you down...

                      Let me hold you.

Do you remember 2010,
           do you remember 2011?
Do you remember all those times,
           we both felt in heaven?
Do you remember 2012,
           all those good times, and the bad?
Do you think this year
we'll change and not make each other sad?

                        See, I love you.
                                   I always have,
                                             I always will.
And the last thing I want
        is for this to not be real.
I hope that 2013 brings back the
        old love and a new hope.
I hope that 2013 doesn't leave me...

  

                                                                                           .                                                                       *Alone.