Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate;
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved,--
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes;
And in my heart they will remember always,--
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise.

Where I am is somewhere sacred
Where I am is somewhere familiar
Where I am is a place hidden
behind so many recognizable traps
and unmistakable signs
It's a place so predictable
A feeling so sour
So rotten
So old
And I know I'll remember it forever
because I'll always feel the pull

Words are spoken
that are meant to change the course.
Acts reenacted
over sentiments enforced

If love were all to life
then life is mine no more

If wisdom came with age
There'd be nothing left to *****

Offered is a body, emptied
of everything it felt,
Playing one final game
with the meager cards it has been dealt.

A pattern is forming wherein nothing lasts
a hole is growing and consuming all within its path
Whatever I was before
I feel slowly molded anew
Whatever I once hoped for
my dreams now are few
spinning around one desire
one shining, brief embrace -
that lead me to believe in something
that can never be replaced.

All I am is hate.
All I give is pain.
My heart is used to grieving
over nothing
ventured or gained

whatever words i speak
whatever emotions flood my soul
it's nothingness that fills the ears
and mystifies the goal

you won't understand
whoever you are
these words aren't for you
or anyone at all
these words are simply full
of an empty, futile wish
i want to know there's meaning
i want to know there's life
beyond all the pointlessness
beyond the sharpest knife

so say what you will
say nothing at all
say you saw it coming
say you know it all
say you never loved me
say you never will
so that i can let go
and find peace in growing still

there was love, at once
true and false
there was happiness
that belied any loss

The part of me that hopes
The part of me that dies
The part disgusted by my treachery
and pathetic, selfish lies
The part of me that's hurt
The part of me that grows
Won't be satisfied by words alone
Nor his impassioned throes

It's a choice I alone must make
to sever bitter bonds
that hold me to a life so
ignorant, and memories long gone.

The change I could make today
So simple, so I've heard,
requires only mindfulness
and breaking from the herd

To become a ripple in the pond
a leaf
upon the fruited tree
so that when last breath I draw
the farthest thought will be of "me".

You're so scared of death but
don't you think you're the only one.
How do you see me at all
through scarred flesh
and pools of blood.

How do you see me at all
when your back is turned
and the snapping noise
of your spinal cord
is all that is heard
drowning out the light
in the room.

Blinding.
Please don't bleed anymore.

And if the sky wasn't falling
I never would have
left you there to suffocate
beneath the waves.

I wish I could hold your hand again. I miss that.
I miss the way we spark, the way our energies dance together, like two clouds playing tag in the wind.
Do you remember how it feels?
Do you remember, at the stone circle, hand touching, bodies leaned in, and the rush we felt?
Do you remember me? The truth of me, impossibly in tune with the truth of you; impossible to name but forever ingrained.
Do you remember the feeling of finding something impossible to find, impossible to define, and just letting it be, not worrying about the label.
Do you remember what it feels like to hold my hand?
Do you remember what it felt like, hands together, the tremors we felt together? The impossibility that someone could know so well without knowing?
Do you remember...
I forgot... I forgot the feel of your hand in mine; how it felt to have you there at my side.
I forgot in sadness the peace we had.  
I forgot in anger what it meant to live the impossible.
I forgot, in the hurt, the joy of just being... of trusting...
I remember now... the hurt, the pain... it split me apart...
  In healing, I remember the peace...
   In healing, I remember the laughing, the smiles.... I remember... "hello laady!"
    In healing, I remember the power, the sparks...
     In healing, I remember... late night drives and wind mills never seen... just keep talking and never get bored...
I remember you... and I remember me... Our friendship that must always be... a bond stronger than we could be, alone...

How does it feel.

How does it feel? Drowning?

A shocking force drives you deep deep under the change of matter and all around you the weight of the world is pushing you challenging you harnessing its unknowable might to break you until you don’t know which way is down

A numb and detached piece of you realizes it does not matter

And as the pressure drives through you your lungs begin to ache and your frantic heart is madly pounding airless blood through your swollen veins and you realize that you need air

But you know there is no air to be had

Desperation screams and the invisible noise hammers on the eardrums that were already broken and unconsciously seeing the inevitable end to this horror your body painfully forces you to pull in the toxic killer that surrounds you knowing the result and your decaying lungs are filled with ice

And then it changes

The hurt is still there and distantly you know you feel it you know you are still dying and if you are brave you know one small fiber of you is screaming and fighting because it is not ready to give up

But you are ready to give up

You are heavy and tired and the refreshing freeze of the water erases the burn of the memory of pain

Your brain is dead your heart is stone

preserved in its bleeding state

A heavy white sheet falls upon you and you are numb

You know you are dying

it is slower than you expected and

even on the reapers door you appreciate the irony

seconds are passing

and you know your very last

is approaching soon

and just before the

water turns black

you see

his face

his smile

his heart

and gladly you welcome the release.



How does it feel? Drowning?


I’ve never drowned. But I think it feels like this.

...

I can't tell you whether it's the music
That plays and I think of you
Or it's this weather
That always brings me down

Back down to the lowest
Places in my heart that make
My mind think of everything I've lost
Everything I want in my world
That I don't have

But whatever it is I am struggling
Against the tears that well in my eyes
Not to pick up the phone and
Hear your voice, the voice
That was there for me through so much.

But I can't tell you whether it's
The music or this weather
That is causing me to fall down
Break down and cry again
All I know is that I'm lost

Happy and so very sad
At the same time
I am lost and feel like
I am losing my resolve.