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Mariah Fairre Feb 2014
My love
My ecstasy
You've ruined me.

To me, my love, you are ecstasy.
You came into my world, and opened my eyes wide
A level of  happiness I did not know could exist
A haze of love and peace, of perfect contentment
But temporary
Expanding my capacity for joy, Creating new depths for pain
A constant ache of longing I can not bare
Ordinary happiness does nothing to fill emptiness you left behind
This low is not worth the high

My love
My ecstasy
You've ruined me.
Mariah Fairre Dec 2013
Back back now we go
to where we all know
Everything that once was
Will’ve remained just the same

They’ll ignore that you’ve grown
And the world that you’ve known
They’ll call you a child
And it will drive you insane

But you’ll nod and you’ll smile
And think all the while
You left them behind
And they’re not to blame.

All the places you’ve seen
Could never have been
But for their support of your spirit
Your heart, soul, and brain

So back back we will roam
To our childhood home
Where time has stood still
And you’ll rejoin their game

Pretend to be small
That you know nothing at all
That you’re an innocent child
Quiet and tame.
Mariah Fairre Dec 2013
Here I will wonder
And there I will wander,
And everywhere ponder
What life is about.
Mariah Fairre Oct 2013
9:51am Sunday, May 5th, 2013
I wake up to the sound of rain.
With my eyes closed I listen to it drum against my window,
And I listen to his steady breaths.
With my head on his chest I can feel his heart beat,
And I feel his hand on my bare back.
And in this moment, this perfect contentment,
I know that I love him.
And in this moment, this pure and quiet joy,
I feel as though I'll never be alone.

8:05am Tuesday, October 8th, 2013
I wake up to the sound of rain.
With my eyes still closed, I listen to it drum against my window.
And I swear I can almost hear him breathing,
Can almost feel his heart beat,
And his fantom hand on my bare back.
And I cling to the memory of this moment,
Trying desperately to delay the pain.
And I brace myself for the moment,
When I will wake up alone.
Mariah Fairre Oct 2013
For one night, and one night only,
I will love you madly.
And I know from the way you move with me;
And from the longing in your eyes;
That for one night, and one night only,
You will love me madly too.
Mariah Fairre Nov 2012
This time last year
You were my best friend.
We would talk for hours,
Until the candles burned low.
We’d talk about nothing,
And everything,
And I was so happy.
Mariah Fairre Nov 2012
How does it feel.

How does it feel? Drowning?

A shocking force drives you deep deep under the change of matter and all around you the weight of the world is pushing you challenging you harnessing its unknowable might to break you until you don’t know which way is down

A numb and detached piece of you realizes it does not matter

And as the pressure drives through you your lungs begin to ache and your frantic heart is madly pounding airless blood through your swollen veins and you realize that you need air

But you know there is no air to be had

Desperation screams and the invisible noise hammers on the eardrums that were already broken and unconsciously seeing the inevitable end to this horror your body painfully forces you to pull in the toxic killer that surrounds you knowing the result and your decaying lungs are filled with ice

And then it changes

The hurt is still there and distantly you know you feel it you know you are still dying and if you are brave you know one small fiber of you is screaming and fighting because it is not ready to give up

But you are ready to give up

You are heavy and tired and the refreshing freeze of the water erases the burn of the memory of pain

Your brain is dead your heart is stone

preserved in its bleeding state

A heavy white sheet falls upon you and you are numb

You know you are dying

it is slower than you expected and

even on the reapers door you appreciate the irony

seconds are passing

and you know your very last

is approaching soon

and just before the

water turns black

you see

his face

his smile

his heart

and gladly you welcome the release.

How does it feel? Drowning?

I’ve never drowned. But I think it feels like this.
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