a year out, guileless
I now resume, wait, resume?
fear not, I'll add it

It's so pathetic​
I'm drowning in a fountain
Because it's shallow

now I'm tripping over words
I don't remember saying
I'm fighting imaginary enemies
created by someone else
still, I'm running on highways
and its driving me crazy
my shadow no longer lingers
I let my tongue
slip
and now it won't stop

postures like a *****
cardboard handshakes in passing
you don't belong here

I'm not one for words
and yet, your words are wanted
Actions are louder.

Simple, they like you until they think they know you.

live through revenge
not an innocent to blame
everyone loves a victim
a pathological liar
without ever opening their mouth
everyone loves a criminal
on the television
never beyond it
everyone loves an underdog
with possibilities of hope
restoring faith unto humanity


Oh, everyone loves me
*but it wasn't worth it

I am a creature of habit,
habit's origin undisclosed
My methods change
intentions don't
my motives do contend

If you're exempt from gravity
then who condemns you?
Tell me again how the rules don't apply
to existentialists like yourself
To those who find laws trifling
and to those who ****** ideas
with greedy minds
Please enlighten me
What is it you hope to uncover?

There* is temporary.
There is love,
and there is happiness,
but here is now.
I wish I was back there.

Its your big, ugly, monster of a character flaw
causing you to only focus on yourself.
You sick, self-centered broad
"I'm there for you, why do you refuse
to care an inkling about my needs?"
I'll tell you why,
Its because you absorb:
The prayers, moral support, compliments
from others
you take but never give
you consume but do nothing more
Aw, don't tell me you're put out!
Don't worry my dear little damsel
you simply lack the comprehension
your pretty little head isn't capable
of functioning at such a high caliber
think of this no more
I mean, after all,
How could anyone possibly cast blame unto you?

Don't get into that car I scream
But I am trapped on the opposite side
of plastic window panes
Don't take her away
she's barely sixteen
all alone this time
(God, I'm glad its not me)
Don't get into that car I whisper
to a black Toyota Camry
sitting in the street
waiting, just waiting
for its quarterly visit
Don't get into that car I exclaim
to a black and white bumper sticker
that says "read" in chunky (ironic) block letters
Don't get into that car I choke out
to the four wheeled death trap
that takes away my sister
on an eight hour journey
back to childhood misery
that I myself
have only just aged out of
Don't get into the car I say
to the exhaust that's left in my sister's
wake.
(knowing it will make no difference)

she's home for the holiday
and so am I
the difference is, however
that she came from some place
and
soon she's going somewhere new
Yeah, I made it out
but now that we're back
and nothing's even changed
she climbs a different mountain everyday
while I stumble down the same hill
I've been going at for years
so while she's cutting ribbons
I'm cutting class
(but not really, because I still care too much to do that)
metaphorically speaking.


Its like high school all over again.

pull close
push away
fingers slip
cling to cracks
hold on tight
hands on hands
break my knuckles
fighting back
filled with need
find release
letting go
and I'm free

I can't clasp your hand
For when I fall
I won't be able to catch myself
And I'm not trusting enough
To rely on your strength
To keep me upright
Not that I don't think you're capable
But I won't give you the chance.

If I could be slightly more than I am now
If I could be more intelligent
If I could be more trusting
If I could be more forgiving
If I could be more caring
If I could be less self-centered
If I could stop comparing myself to the unattainable accomplishments of my sister
If I could let those who care about me get close
If I could be a little bit better at math
If I could commit
If I could be less dramatic
If I could be less emotional
If I could stop pushing everyone away
If I could fix myself
If I could stop writing everyone off
If I could keep friends for longer than a few years
If I could be just a little bit better

Make it stop
Today was a good day
I feel happy
I keep telling myself
Don't let the emptiness creep back in
I'm supported, I'm loved
I know this
I feel it
But doubt is never ending
and I know it can come back
I don't want it to
I'm okay now
I'm free
at least I thought that I was
and I'm scared
please don't leave me
I can't get close
I recoil
I pull back
It's what I do
But I don't want it to be like this
because as soon as I feel loved and content
I remember that I can loose it all
so its better not to risk it
But I want to
half the time at least
I'm scared
don't let me get dark again
I can't handle that anymore

I'm alright
Really, I'm surviving
But new perspectives have taken hold
Life is so different from before
And I want to keep up
It's all here
But it doesn't feel real
I'm holding my breath
Keeping my eyes shut tight
I'm not going to release that air
I'm not going to peek through an eye
I know but I haven't seemed to accept
That this is reality
So I won't let it fade by wasting it

They took the fence down
And the grass is so so green
But no one goes beyond the boundary now gone
Some how the sky is so so blue
The sun shines just a little too bright
And clouds loom over my head
Hung above me
Highly strung
A bit more than perfect

My glare at the sky is deafening

oh how I seem to fall into patterns
I don't care for history
but I constantly repeat my mistakes
same meaning
different people
different words
same habit
my sick and twisted nature
I'm so good at hiding myself
and ripping others open
they don't know that I know
that its intentional
I'm aware
I know
and it hasn't changed