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Kay-Ann Jul 2014
I dont know I guess I'm just tired of loving people who are not capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. You know I've always walked with my heart on my sleeve and I've always been proud of it. There's a lot of lost souls out there with so much anger and pain living inside of them who just want a ******* hug and someone to talk to. And I apply that to my love life. You never know what's happening inside, what hurt they've been harboring in their hearts. I give the full extent of my love to anyone my heart connects with. I guess that's pretty ****** cause it hasnt been on my side lately. And that's why we're here. I dont want much. I just want someone who can love me as much as I love them, and if I'm lucky, maybe even more. **** the jealousy rants and petty arguments. If the love is there then things arent that bad. Why can't you see that I love you so much? Why can't you see that I would sneak out at 12 am with you and go nowhere just to be with you. Anything to make you happy, I would try to do that. I mean I'm capable of giving you so much support, emotionally, mentally anything. I have so much love inside of me to give, all I'm asking for you to is just to reciprocate that energy back to me. tell me how I make you feel, how much I mean to you. Is that too much to ask?
I know I should leave you alone cause you will never be able to love me like I love you but you're the one thing that gets me up in the morning. how do I leave that?
Kay-Ann Sep 2019
In a quaint town in St. Mary,
I spotted an old lady with a kaleidoscope tied around
her waist and falling to her ankles
selling mangoes.
Behind her were strokes of shades of blue, white,
beige and seaweed-green--- this was not the place I
planted my umbilical cord. One minute, I stood on
the tip of my toe, body and left foot firmly in Kingston.
The next, I extended my right and reached across the
island. City chatter evaporated into seawater and mosquitos.
The potholes and gullies that hold water like soup stayed.
I stepped out of the vehicle, onto the new asphalt, never
taking my eyes off the gold, but the sound of a gunshot
stopped me. Nanny appeared; dark linens draped all over her
temples and torso, gold bullet lodged between shining teeth
that hinged on black gums.
Where do you think you’re going? Night will break but there
will still be cranes in the sky.

She sounded like my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like listening.
I continued on my path
to the orange-yellow mounds
but fell into a round
hole. Down there, I saw Bogle, a preteen being *****,
Tupac and lots of duppies. My hands
became bloodstained from fresh slits on my arms. The
heat from five hundred thousand eyes made my palms wet.
A white witch, the one from Rose Hall, started singing.
She knocked back two shots of vinegar and *****.
One for health and one for strength she said. Then, a shadow
offered the potion to me. I chugged it and came back to life.
It tasted like blood and sweat.
Why did I even bother doing my makeup?
Black eyeliner, now smudged, guarded my eyes,
keeping a pool of tears in its place. Fenty foundation,
running and brown like me. The mountain of orange-
yellows, reds and greens loomed before my tired eyes
like future skyscrapers. The woman was hidden by it
but I still could still feel her smile.
How much?
For you, free.
As I unmounted the mountain into my bag, the woman
was revealed to be me.
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
I'm trying to save us. I'm trying to keep us from falling apart
Cause to be honest you're something like the moon
thoughts of you always chase me at night and no matter how fast I run,
you always catch me
It's inevitable, you're inevitable
My dad always wondered why my room never had no light
and I told him I want my room as dark as my soul
He would roll his eyes and open the blinds but I didn't need the sunlight
You already illuminated somewhere within me
You dug your way inside me, planted a light bulb
that beams day and night and grew into flowers of euphoria
I like what you did to me. I like being happy
That's why I've been so paranoid lately
Cause I sense the end is near
and if it is, I don't wanna die alone
so please don't let me self destruct
and demolish us
Kay-Ann May 2014
I'm here thinking about you and this situation of ours
and I feel an intense throbbing in my head
It came so suddenly with such ferocity, I decided to take a hot shower
The warmth of it always seems to make my pain evaporate
like the water as it touches my skin
and as it touches me, I get a revelation
A revelation so powerful, the water becomes even more heated
it's like the throbbing in my head was God knocking on the door
of my common senses and asking me kindly to wake up
Wake up and smell the roses?
No wake up and get moving
Cause all the roses are withered and dying sweetie
He tells me to remember that thinking of yourself isn't always selfish but necessary
God was telling me to save myself from the tornado that's coming
don't get ****** in by him, don't get caught in his whirlwind
Let go if you have to
The water becomes too hot and I turn it off
And I suddenly hear a commanding voice say
*"Make the throbbing stop"
Kay-Ann Apr 2014
sometimes we need to stop and take a good look at ourselves
stop and just take a look in the mirror
are we really who we think we are?
the time we take judging people we should judge ourselves
we all have a past that we're not proud of
believe I know
I've done some things that I wouldnt even dream of doing now
but that's why the past is the past
and the future is the future
every new day we face
we get a chance to make things right
we get a chance to change our fate
and create our destiny.
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
What is suicide?
they say it is the action of killing oneself intentionally
I guess being with you was exactly that
every single day was a beautiful disaster
My stomach was filled with dead butterflies
once glorifying at the sight of your face and sound of your name
but now deceased cause everything has changed

You once brought me so much bliss
but this isn't the love I thought it was
I don't know what happened
You just stopped being you
and you had loved me
I'm drowning in your pitch black sea of silence
our love is like a rope tied around my neck
and the more I try to think it's still real, the more it tightens
No, no, no! Stop strangling me
Leave him, leave him now I tell myself
but I cant move.
I let myself self-destruct
and I hate it
You could crack my chest open , rip my heart out with your bare hands
and I would still use my last gasping breath
to tell you I love you
I wont let go and you won't let go
and I hate it
you're killing me
and I hate it

What is suicide?
they say it's killing oneself intentionally
I guess falling in love with someone who can only love you
with a fraction of their heart is exactly what it is
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
its practically now summer and i'm unnaturally hot. I'm wondering if its because of Miami's blaring sun or the way your words ignite a fire within me. I mean this feeling is weird, mostly because I gave up on happiness a long time ago. I used to think people are unpredictable like storms and I know now that people are storms. And nothing good comes from storms. Quite frankly I'm tired of grey clouds and thundering rain. they brought me hurricanes and deathly sadness. but you changed me and made me think of what comes after the storm. maybe its a rainbow or just the plain glowing sky but whatever it is I wanna see it and I am willing to endure the desolation to get to the good part. you did that. you did it when no one could. you opened me up to a kaleidoscope of emotions that I didn't wanna feel again and its scary. sometimes you make me feel like you're chasing me in an endless tunnel and your eyes become the color of midnight but then I come to a halt when I see the glorious burnt hue of the sunset gleaming in your eyes. I was about to pick a leaf from this tree and you told me to stop and I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever. Leaves only thrive and live when they're attached to a tree. Pick them off and they die and I find it so **** that you saved that leaf. I'm glad you prevented that death cause you might be able to prevent mine. You are just like vanilla ice cream on a scorching July afternoon and I pray that summer never ends

k.h
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
he stood 5'10 , same height as me
Light-skinned with freckles
And lips that look traced with black lip liner

from his eyes I got a certain feeling I couldnt explain
they exuded such love and innocence yet a hint of guilt
but it only made me craved him more

and his smile, his smile gave me life
his smile was so painfully alluring and beautiful
it made me crave him even more

his laugh was my happiness
that noise is the most wonderful sound ever

I've fallen so deep for you, you're the only one that can save me
my stomach's full of butterflies
and Im starving, yearning for your attention

will you please be with me ?
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
the heartbreak from a true love never really dies
that feeling follows you throughout your whole life
everything reminds you of them
you see a flower and it reminds you of the beauty of their soul
that gleam in their eyes is reminiscent of the moonlight
and you cant help but to wonder if that sparkle in his eyes left the day you did
thoughts of him wake you up and terrorizes you at 3 am
and you suddenly remember he has killed you
you're not really living
you could probably smoke with a ghost and still have more death in one puff than he did in his whole being
the heartbreak from a true love diminishes your soul
that feeling follows you throughout your whole life
and you can only hope that there is someone out there to wake up your soul and bring you back to existence
Kay-Ann Mar 2015
The thing that scares me about poetry and just art overall is that no one has to like it. They don't have to understand you and comprehend what's going on inside of you. But we do it anyways in hopes that someone out there will stumble upon it and the earth will shake and their heart will smile and it will change them like it changed you. Nothing is guaranteed in art. And that's why I love artists so much. They're so brave. They put their heart and soul out there and hope someone will say "Oh hey I feel this way too." Artists deserve way more credit for they represent the human experience.

The process of art-making scares me but it's liberating.
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
I'm the type of girl who will give you my whole heart and expect the same in return
Cause love is about commitment and compromise
You don't just get it, it's something you have to earn
It's like the beginning of a great enterprise

I'm the type of girl who has faith
Cause I know it will take me far
I don't judge by just looking at your face
Because everyone is fighting their own unique war

I'm the type of girl who looks beyond the surface
People like that don't really exist
I hope what we have holds some purpose
Cause I don't want to lose this

I'm the type of girl who sometimes keeps my feelings in
I have dreams, fears and doubts
But love takes off the masks we know we can't live within
and fear we cant live without

I'm the type of girl who will make promises and stick to them
If not me , who ? If not now , when ?
Love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to
You are my sun , I want to be brought to life by you.
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
you can't say I never tried
i stayed with you through the most challenging times
i stayed with you when all around me wanted me to leave
all I ever did was ride for you until you crashed the car
at one point you cared but then you just stopped
our sun was shining then the rain poured down
a flood came and it washed away your feelings
and it washed away you
don't try to pretend you care
that facade is poorly made
I know you babe and I know when things have changed
there's no more anticipation in your voice when we talk on the phone, no enthusiasm
a 'hey' and 'sup' is all I get these days
So I'm packing up all my feelings and I'm leaving
you're not happy and that's not making me happy
I summed up all my courage to leave you
so you can be happy
cause you deserve that much, and so do I
I hope you know that every single fiber of my being loves you
and I hope you find someone who loves you so much more
that you will give all you have
do for her what you couldn't do for me.
Kay-Ann Dec 2013
This life is such a mystery
There's so much in sight that we don't see
Sometimes I wonder what's my purpose on this earth
Life can be such a mirth
As if the joy that welcomes birth

This life is complete actuality
We know who we are but not what be may be
Pressure is passion's poison and we get a dose of it everyday
But life is about living for today
You have to take chances or your life will never change
You can't direct the winds but you sure can adjust the sails

This life can be tricky, try not to be compelled
Opportunity never knocks twice but there is always the doorbell
You can never forget but always forgive
Cause the past has a way of holding you captive
Ability can get you far but it takes character to keep you there
Nature can be so cruel, predators are everywhere

This life has so many dimensions
Or maybe it's just a battle of perception
But what we think is not what we always see
Our expectations are so different from reality
But optimism is like the sun and doubt is the rain
Life is only beautiful for those who know how to celebrate the pain.
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
I thought about you today
It was unexpected like a huge rush of water
trying to drown me
refreshing yet deadly
that's what comes to mind when I think of you
People still say that you never cared for me
but frankly I dont care
I know that somewhere deep within
the cold barren region of your heart
living or dead
big or small
somewhere inside you loved me
adored , cared and craved for me
maybe not as much as I did
but you loved me
no one could ever say that you didnt try ..
you did try , didnt you ?
why am I on your side?
why am I justifying reasons for you leaving me?
why am I trying to make it alright for you?
aah I dont know why
I dont think I'll ever know why
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
I want you to know exactly what you mean to me
and how much I adore you
You will never understand how much I appreciate you in my life
You'll never know how much Im glad you didnt give up onme
You didnt let me drown
You held me up out the waters and saved me
I'm glad
Glad that separation didn't separate us
It really is challenging
Months apart and you're almost over the edge
But i promise I won't let you fall
I know how pessimistic I can be
It's just that I'm afraid to be happy
because whenever I am,  something always goes wrong
I'm happy that you're still with me....
You're not perfect either - I know you're torn inside
But I love you anyway
I love you cause you know me
I love you cause you understand me
I love you cause you accept me
I love you cause you love me
I love you cause you sing a song only my heart understands
So let me see the remains of your heart
and see if they fit into the broken shattered pieces of mine
To make a cracked but whole heart
Please wait for me
we'll lay together content with being beside each other's body
and get drunk and tell each other things we're too scared to say sober.
Kay-Ann May 2014
How long does it take to fall in love with a person?
is there a preferred amount of time?
are they any rules to follow?
If so I've broken all of them
and gladly so when it came to you
just two months into meeting you
and you've re-ignited a flame within me
you were a good break from what I was used to
it's quite nice to have someone normal for a while
i think i like normal
our conversations about little or nothing
meant so much to me
when you hugged me for the first time , i literally felt your heart
accelerating as my body was pressed against yours
we grew so close it was almost as if
the blood that cursed through your veins now flowed through mine
we have had trials so far
but somehow we managed to get pass them
you're not perfect, it's not hard to see
but together we just might be.
Kay-Ann Dec 2016
sensitive, soft and ******


vulnerable, violent and ******


radiant, raw and romantic


dazed, dreamy and *delicate
Kay-Ann Dec 2013
I no longer question the intentions of my heart ,... I just simply listen
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when i leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people.
Kay-Ann Jul 2014
love is irreversible. if ever real, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you don’t want to love anymore. it can fade yes, disappear, no
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
I wonder if biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you wanna do is be with someone

I wonder if scientists can decipher the actual pain I get from heartbreak
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
this is not even a poem
this is what I want
I want you to make love to me
I want someone to write poems on my skin with their lips
I want you to kiss me so hard that we start to breathe the same air
hold me so tight that I can literally feel your love
grab my hips with such passion that I feel it burning through your fingertips
crave me so hard that I can see the longing in your eyes
make me feel it when you touch me
and take your time, why do people like to rush nowadays?
explore my skin and show me things I never knew was there
i will leave scratches on your back and bruises on your heart
I just wanna feel your skin on mine and kiss your lips and make you forget all of the bad things in the world for a little while
so let’s love each other so hard that we get distracted and forget about who broke us for a little bit
and don't give me any flowers
make them grow inside me

                                        k.h.
Kay-Ann Sep 2018
I think God is calling me
Life is much too violent, too fleeting
to be walking without light
but it's not a soothing call
it's not dresses that cover my shoulders and knees
or hymns
or holy communion
It's not Mama waking me up to Milo and crackers
It is a command
that thundered within me
yet I heard it whispering to a part of me that I thought died years ago
A call to order
For me
From me
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
And then it finally hit me.
He was an *******. He made me fall for him and most times he wasn't there to catch me.
But worst of all, he made me trust him. He made me think he wasn't like the others. And you know what?
He was right. He wasn't like the others ..

He was worse.
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
what kinda person am I ?
what kinda writer am I ?
am I one of those euphoric persons who writes about their seemingly perfect relationships?
am I one those nature lovers who gives a illustration of their surroundings?
am I one of those somber and dreary persons who writes about their journey to death ?
Am I one of those zealous adventurers who details about the journeys they've had
Am I one of the many who writes about their countless heartbreaks and lets the pain flow through their fingers and straight to the paper?
Or am I one of those unpredictable individuals who just simply write what they feel when they feel to ?
I guess I'm a mixture of all of them
a suprising concoction that turns out to be angelic
I'm not really a writer you know
Im just a lover and a dreamer
With a heart that wants to be heard
Kay-Ann May 2014
earth would be a cold place

bitter and revengeful

somewhat like how it is now but more harsh
Kay-Ann May 2014
when I'm sixteeen, I will start to wonder why we ever dated, what I ever saw in you.

When I'm seventeen, the thought of me will be far from your mind but traces of the memory of us will still linger.

when I'm eighteen , we both will be entering new chapters of our lives and will forget all about each other. The world will be our seashore

when I'm nineteen , maybe I'll think of going back to Jamaica and face you

when I'm twenty, I'll come back to Jamaica and our eyes will meet again and our energy will start to overflow and feed each other

when I'm twenty-one , i'll be questioning my sanity as the thought of wanting you and you not wanting me will begin to drive me to the edge

when I'm twenty-two, my career will bloom gracefully and simply writing about you will bring me pleasure and nostalgia

when I'm twenty-three, I'll believe that if we just faked it enough we could trick ourselves into believing that we're still in love and can actually be together.

when I'm twenty-four , reality will hit me in the face and I'll finally realize that we will never be what we used to

when I'm twenty-five, I'll wash the dirt off my knees and open my eyes and leave you behind.
who
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
who
who do we think we are ?
walking around like we own this place
walking around like we are the queen and king of this ****
ruling over the little peasants and commoners

we were never meant to be normal
we are heavenly, celestial beings
conceived by an angel and a prince

our births were the highlight of the country
they made a festival in honor of us
everyone brought gifts and jewels for us
everybody wanted to be us
thanking us for just being born

but that was long ago
we are no longer worshipped
we have grown into mature human beings
we are no longer royalty
and so the question still lingers
who do we think we are ?
Kay-Ann Aug 2019
I am chasing this thing that
always
eludes me. In the day he openly
embraces Man.
See, they’ve known each other for centuries,
shoulder to shoulder,
unrelenting hand in unrelenting hand
as they dance betwixt the world of fantasy and pain.
A universe I know all too well.
A courtesy we could never have.

Matta still in my eyes, limbs sore from just being born,
naivete radiating from my skin.
I trail, inquire, plead—
he laughs in my face before evaporating
observe.

I have a plan.

I could forfeit my mind, let ambition and sense
seethe through my temples. Knees the color of
my behind from crawling through the mud.
Pungent fertilizer gathering underneath my nails
as I plant hibiscus, mint and poinciana in a Man’s
garden. My body falling apart and together at the
calloused hands of my oppressor.

There must be another way.

I turned to the sky,
they know us Women well.

Every thirty moons, I offer up a sacrifice.
Take this crimson sea between my anchors
that Mother ordained.
Take it and give us strength.

He eludes me still.

I fight and I protest
and I bawl and I break down
and I stand up and I smile
and I make love to anyone capable of loving.
I am still searching.
Tactile, hard and brown like an egg’s shell
you can’t see this soft, permeable mass
yet it lives, survives.
*But the chase is over.
Kay-Ann Dec 2013
I will never really understand why I cant leave you alone
what is it about you that is so addictive ?
i know I shouldnt be with you yet I came back
you're no good but I came back
you betrayed me but I still came back
but why? why am I coming back?
maybe its the way our bodies collided like two fine ships
beautiful but ending in doom , sinking like the Titanic
and the mighty waters leaving me vulnerable to whatever
your waves had planned for me
or maybe its way our kisses like diseases
infected the other with a jolt of regret and absolute pleasure
why do we always crave for the ones who are no good for us ?
i guess you're my cigarette
i pull you out of that dark , black box
and light you up when Im cold
keep you on my lips and inhale you
even though I know how toxic you are and can be
but i dont care
cause i love that feeling in my lungs
you're like alcohol too
so tempting and tantalizing on the lips
i get a lovely burning sensation as it sinks in
but i dont care
cause that feeling is heavenly
i shouldnt be here with you
lying on the bed drunk off each other's passion
you destroyed me once and I let you
you're gonna destroy me again and Im gonna let you
Kay-Ann May 2014
I guess I should've known you were a volcano
I didn't know you could be so dangerous to me
Cause I have always loved the way you made my magma turn to lava when you touched my surface
heat and molten rocks of lust swelled in that mountain you called your body
and erupted in pleasure all over my land
but then you desolated me
it all became too much and you ate me
chewed me up, turned me into ashes
and spit me out
the one thing that I breathed everyday became poisonous
your clouds of dark smoke and hurt polluted my air
now your eruption didn't make me moan
instead it demolished me
and transformed me into a dead city of romance
I should've known from the first rumble that you were gonna destroy me
I should've known that you were meant to be a natural disaster.

k.h
Kay-Ann Oct 16
“The nightmare is that there are two worlds. The nightmare is that there is only one world, this one.” — Susan Sontag*

an embroidered dove flies off the fabric
that mother and sister kneaded
materializes into hopes and wants (needs)
for something better
something across continents (maybe)
does the future see you and me (alive?)

does it see our land
full
open
devoid of checkpoints
of armed tanks
of blood and curfews
that seems to pool years into months.

if i hide in this cart of oranges
close my war-stained eyes
i can be transported
and
information will fasten itself to me like a seatbelt
and
i will find the three jewels to win your heart

in bed,
i am transformed into
a robin
i fly away
soaring so high i could see what it was like
before
billowing away to the rhythm of the tablas.

— The End —