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436 · Jun 2014
reflections
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
life is just unfair sometimes. once in a blue moon a human can find their soulmate. they may not know it but their hearts already do. every time they're with each other, you can feel the connection and the energy overflowing between them. but no one ever said relationships were easy. two people could be meant for each other and still break up. and that ***** me up inside. whatever happened to compromise and persistence? why can't we think about and consider other's emotions but ourselves? why we can't we just swallow our pride sometimes? If two people can be all that they need and they still part from each other, what hope is there for me? What hope is there for humanity? We get so caught up in life and feeling ourselves that we forget the one we need. we stop doing what's necessary to keep them. we need to be more human and less being. stop stressing over the little things, forgive silly mistakes and move on. we need to go back to the days when love was pure and unconditional.we play so scared when it comes to love, so guarded we’ve become that we don’t even trust ourselves. that’s worst than all fears. so just let go and breathe. cherish what and who you have in your life now because regrets can destroy you. don't become a dead soul. love someone
427 · May 2014
i love you.
Kay-Ann May 2014
The day I saw you there was something so enigmatic about you
I was mystified and intrigued at the same time
I mean you were interesting and I was curious
and it was the mere fact that your eyes told stories I wanted to hear

I wanted to more than know you
I wanted us to get lost in each other's minds
connecting on levels deeper than the depths of the ocean
in only ways we could understand

So I fell in love with you because you loved me
even when I couldn't love myself
I love you cause you love all the pieces of my soul, even the dark ones
I not only love the person you are
but the person you have the potential to be

So how do you know you're ready to love?
You don't. It just hits you like a wave you never see coming
but the water doesn't drown you
Instead you just breathe
Kay-Ann Apr 2021
I may not be as
horrible as hunger burning
like salt in a wound
or as
cruel as centuries of colonizers
but I can be almost
as unbearable.

When the weight and wrath
of reality seeps in,
I spew it out.
I take others along for
a weeping woeful ride,
knowing all too well that
my universe of pain is so intense
that they would live in it too.

I saw no problem with this
until the wrath was no
longer mine but the world’s.

Now I try to
sit with the feeling
instead of becoming it.
I never want to be
the one who does not
get to collect
a new harvest of mangoes
worrying about the rain.
418 · May 2014
demons and angels
Kay-Ann May 2014
I look around in this dark dungeon
and the sweet music of death is playing
life walks by, stops and eyes me
Its silouhette giving me a last taste

wicked spirits invade my body and take me to a place
where regret and sorrow dwell
the angels in my mind scorn at the sight and leave
why are these spirits oppressing my thoughts?

swords and daggers lay on the ground
I tremble at the thought of never being free
Guilt is such a merciless monster
When will I ever have sweet serenity?

my soul begs for repentance
the demons fall at my feet and disappear
my angels return, glorifying
life gives me a second chance
410 · May 2014
-.-
Kay-Ann May 2014
-.-
my heart still aches in pain at the sound of your name
I feel the same way about you as I did when we first met
When I see you there is no girlish excitement
Just a torturous feeling of anxiety
Why did you ever leave me?
I'm mad at myself
for not fighting for us
I wish I had
but maybe it was for the best
maybe we're better off not together
I wish I could just forget about you
but there are some people who will never leave your mind
they say hope is grief's ultimate music
well I sing that sad song everyday
as time goes by I have come to face reality
it seems you have done the one thing that I've failed to do:
Move on
407 · Sep 2019
road trip to oracabessa
Kay-Ann Sep 2019
In a quaint town in St. Mary,
I spotted an old lady with a kaleidoscope tied around
her waist and falling to her ankles
selling mangoes.
Behind her were strokes of shades of blue, white,
beige and seaweed-green--- this was not the place I
planted my umbilical cord. One minute, I stood on
the tip of my toe, body and left foot firmly in Kingston.
The next, I extended my right and reached across the
island. City chatter evaporated into seawater and mosquitos.
The potholes and gullies that hold water like soup stayed.
I stepped out of the vehicle, onto the new asphalt, never
taking my eyes off the gold, but the sound of a gunshot
stopped me. Nanny appeared; dark linens draped all over her
temples and torso, gold bullet lodged between shining teeth
that hinged on black gums.
Where do you think you’re going? Night will break but there
will still be cranes in the sky.

She sounded like my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like listening.
I continued on my path
to the orange-yellow mounds
but fell into a round
hole. Down there, I saw Bogle, a preteen being *****,
Tupac and lots of duppies. My hands
became bloodstained from fresh slits on my arms. The
heat from five hundred thousand eyes made my palms wet.
A white witch, the one from Rose Hall, started singing.
She knocked back two shots of vinegar and *****.
One for health and one for strength she said. Then, a shadow
offered the potion to me. I chugged it and came back to life.
It tasted like blood and sweat.
Why did I even bother doing my makeup?
Black eyeliner, now smudged, guarded my eyes,
keeping a pool of tears in its place. Fenty foundation,
running and brown like me. The mountain of orange-
yellows, reds and greens loomed before my tired eyes
like future skyscrapers. The woman was hidden by it
but I still could still feel her smile.
How much?
For you, free.
As I unmounted the mountain into my bag, the woman
was revealed to be me.
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
its practically now summer and i'm unnaturally hot. I'm wondering if its because of Miami's blaring sun or the way your words ignite a fire within me. I mean this feeling is weird, mostly because I gave up on happiness a long time ago. I used to think people are unpredictable like storms and I know now that people are storms. And nothing good comes from storms. Quite frankly I'm tired of grey clouds and thundering rain. they brought me hurricanes and deathly sadness. but you changed me and made me think of what comes after the storm. maybe its a rainbow or just the plain glowing sky but whatever it is I wanna see it and I am willing to endure the desolation to get to the good part. you did that. you did it when no one could. you opened me up to a kaleidoscope of emotions that I didn't wanna feel again and its scary. sometimes you make me feel like you're chasing me in an endless tunnel and your eyes become the color of midnight but then I come to a halt when I see the glorious burnt hue of the sunset gleaming in your eyes. I was about to pick a leaf from this tree and you told me to stop and I thought it was the most beautiful thing ever. Leaves only thrive and live when they're attached to a tree. Pick them off and they die and I find it so **** that you saved that leaf. I'm glad you prevented that death cause you might be able to prevent mine. You are just like vanilla ice cream on a scorching July afternoon and I pray that summer never ends

k.h
405 · Apr 2014
-
Kay-Ann Apr 2014
-
see it's not that I still want you
although part of me will forever be in love with the thought of loving you
I will forever be in love with my thoughts
of you turning into the boy I thought I knew
but I can never forget you
I can never forget the day you came into
my life and changed my universe
your witty conversation and deep voice were once the highlight of my life
but now they're just a memory
you taught me how to love
and you gave it abundantly
then one day you took it all back
i will never forget that day
399 · Jun 2014
this is goodbye
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
you can't say I never tried
i stayed with you through the most challenging times
i stayed with you when all around me wanted me to leave
all I ever did was ride for you until you crashed the car
at one point you cared but then you just stopped
our sun was shining then the rain poured down
a flood came and it washed away your feelings
and it washed away you
don't try to pretend you care
that facade is poorly made
I know you babe and I know when things have changed
there's no more anticipation in your voice when we talk on the phone, no enthusiasm
a 'hey' and 'sup' is all I get these days
So I'm packing up all my feelings and I'm leaving
you're not happy and that's not making me happy
I summed up all my courage to leave you
so you can be happy
cause you deserve that much, and so do I
I hope you know that every single fiber of my being loves you
and I hope you find someone who loves you so much more
that you will give all you have
do for her what you couldn't do for me.
397 · Jun 2014
my body is not your Savior
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
he said I felt like Heaven
I guess that was the reason why he kissed me like he was searching for God
As if my neck and lips were some gateway to a divine world
you said the warmth of my hands on your ice-cold skin made you see things not of this world
was it that why you grabbed my hips like it was the key to your salvation?
my body is a holy temple but my thighs can't rescue you
Don't mistake it for the Lord
because if I can't save my own soul, how can I save yours?

                                                       k.h.
390 · Jan 2014
Untitled
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when i leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people.
389 · Feb 2014
Prayer
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
I'm lying on my bed quite comfortable, admiring the pit patter of the rain as it hits the pavement
I open my window and wholeheartedly inhale the addicting aroma of it all...
I open my eyes and I see an intriguing girl all alone
Standing in the rain, looking helplessly to the sky and crying
her beauty was captivating
she had piercing almond-shaped hazel eyes
with delicious full lips
high cheekbones with toasty caramel skin
she was beautiful
why was this majestic girl crying in the rain
firstly i felt bad because here I was dry and warm
and she was out there soaked and sorrowful
I grieved with her, i felt her pain
as if I knew what it was
the love of her life had left her
he destroyed and demolished her very being with those simple words
she feels lost, alone and empty
completely desolate
he took her heart and her hope for life too
A small tear formed in my eye as I knew exactly what she was feeling
I pray for her
I pray that she finds hope again
I pray she realizes that there is life after death
I pray that she takes care of herself
I pray that someone takes care of her
all these things I pray in God's name. Amen.
383 · Jul 2014
reflections pt II
Kay-Ann Jul 2014
I dont know I guess I'm just tired of loving people who are not capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. You know I've always walked with my heart on my sleeve and I've always been proud of it. There's a lot of lost souls out there with so much anger and pain living inside of them who just want a ******* hug and someone to talk to. And I apply that to my love life. You never know what's happening inside, what hurt they've been harboring in their hearts. I give the full extent of my love to anyone my heart connects with. I guess that's pretty ****** cause it hasnt been on my side lately. And that's why we're here. I dont want much. I just want someone who can love me as much as I love them, and if I'm lucky, maybe even more. **** the jealousy rants and petty arguments. If the love is there then things arent that bad. Why can't you see that I love you so much? Why can't you see that I would sneak out at 12 am with you and go nowhere just to be with you. Anything to make you happy, I would try to do that. I mean I'm capable of giving you so much support, emotionally, mentally anything. I have so much love inside of me to give, all I'm asking for you to is just to reciprocate that energy back to me. tell me how I make you feel, how much I mean to you. Is that too much to ask?
I know I should leave you alone cause you will never be able to love me like I love you but you're the one thing that gets me up in the morning. how do I leave that?
375 · Feb 2014
Untitled
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
And then it finally hit me.
He was an *******. He made me fall for him and most times he wasn't there to catch me.
But worst of all, he made me trust him. He made me think he wasn't like the others. And you know what?
He was right. He wasn't like the others ..

He was worse.
364 · Jan 2014
thoughts
Kay-Ann Jan 2014
I thought about you today
It was unexpected like a huge rush of water
trying to drown me
refreshing yet deadly
that's what comes to mind when I think of you
People still say that you never cared for me
but frankly I dont care
I know that somewhere deep within
the cold barren region of your heart
living or dead
big or small
somewhere inside you loved me
adored , cared and craved for me
maybe not as much as I did
but you loved me
no one could ever say that you didnt try ..
you did try , didnt you ?
why am I on your side?
why am I justifying reasons for you leaving me?
why am I trying to make it alright for you?
aah I dont know why
I dont think I'll ever know why
361 · Jul 2014
Untitled
Kay-Ann Jul 2014
love is irreversible. if ever real, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you don’t want to love anymore. it can fade yes, disappear, no
361 · Jun 2014
Untitled
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
this is not even a poem
this is what I want
I want you to make love to me
I want someone to write poems on my skin with their lips
I want you to kiss me so hard that we start to breathe the same air
hold me so tight that I can literally feel your love
grab my hips with such passion that I feel it burning through your fingertips
crave me so hard that I can see the longing in your eyes
make me feel it when you touch me
and take your time, why do people like to rush nowadays?
explore my skin and show me things I never knew was there
i will leave scratches on your back and bruises on your heart
I just wanna feel your skin on mine and kiss your lips and make you forget all of the bad things in the world for a little while
so let’s love each other so hard that we get distracted and forget about who broke us for a little bit
and don't give me any flowers
make them grow inside me

                                        k.h.
361 · Feb 2014
favorite
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
He once asked me the name of my favorite poet
I replied and said, "God."
He laughed and played along and then asked me which of His works was my absolute favorite
and I said, "It was the one where He wrote you into existence."
346 · May 2014
haiku #2
Kay-Ann May 2014
its 2 am
and my mind is on a highway speeding
while my body is asleep
321 · Jun 2014
.
Kay-Ann Jun 2014
.
what if we weren't just another doomed love story
what if we were actually meant to be
what if you and I were meant to be something great
we could've been but now it's late
when you left you drained every little bit of me
my world of fantasy was shattered by your reality
I thought you and I could prosper
but I guess even forever isnt forever
before you I was a roaming ghost
and you came and revived my existence
you completed my sentence but I was just a fragment to you
the stars aligned it
our fate was sealed
I don't know why you would want to leave
what we had was real
but in your heart I lived
and in your heart I died
where we invest our love
we invest our life
319 · Apr 2014
me.
Kay-Ann Apr 2014
me.
I've never been that girl
You know what I'm talking about
the girl with the perfect hair and flawless body
contoured full lips and sparkling eyes ..

I look at myself and I see none of that
what do I see?
i see a girl who's sad and terrified
a girl who's drowning in her own fears
a girl who sometimes feels uncomfortable being in her own skin

I wanna feel good about myself again
I miss the days when I was a kid
when I didn't give two ***** about what anyone said about
but I grew and so did my insecurities
I need to start paying attention to myself and my needs

but don't get me wrong
I know there are things about me that are unique
like my quirky laugh and other things
I also know that I have to accept how things are
I can make it easy on myself or make it hard.
314 · May 2014
haiku #3
Kay-Ann May 2014
and no one has it easy
                 we're all either heading for a storm,
                 just coming out of a storm
or in the midst of one.
295 · May 2014
to you too
Kay-Ann May 2014
How long does it take to fall in love with a person?
is there a preferred amount of time?
are they any rules to follow?
If so I've broken all of them
and gladly so when it came to you
just two months into meeting you
and you've re-ignited a flame within me
you were a good break from what I was used to
it's quite nice to have someone normal for a while
i think i like normal
our conversations about little or nothing
meant so much to me
when you hugged me for the first time , i literally felt your heart
accelerating as my body was pressed against yours
we grew so close it was almost as if
the blood that cursed through your veins now flowed through mine
we have had trials so far
but somehow we managed to get pass them
you're not perfect, it's not hard to see
but together we just might be.
294 · Dec 2013
Untitled
Kay-Ann Dec 2013
I no longer question the intentions of my heart ,... I just simply listen
294 · May 2014
haiku #1
Kay-Ann May 2014
hope is a tree

                                                           ­         you may cut it down


but it must grow again
281 · Apr 2014
stop
Kay-Ann Apr 2014
sometimes we need to stop and take a good look at ourselves
stop and just take a look in the mirror
are we really who we think we are?
the time we take judging people we should judge ourselves
we all have a past that we're not proud of
believe I know
I've done some things that I wouldnt even dream of doing now
but that's why the past is the past
and the future is the future
every new day we face
we get a chance to make things right
we get a chance to change our fate
and create our destiny.
276 · Sep 2019
la zafra
Kay-Ann Sep 2019
In a crocus bag, I remembered home.

The familiar flush of a Saturday’s work
we would fry some green plantains
and head to town.
Women with long, billowy skirts and red handkerchiefs wrapped around their heads line the street.
Some pumpkin, cho-cho, a bag of pimento seeds
carrots, Irish potatoes, scallion and a piece of thyme are bought
The threaded lines of blood, sweat and tears
bring home a bowl.

When there is no water to fill our basins and buckets,
we get up before the roosters.
To bathe, drink, wash, live
the assorted empty plastic containers get acquainted in the bag
on their way to the pipe.

A tablespoon of sugar for my fever grass tea
The zinc fence that cut a portal on my leg
A sip of Saturday’s soup
A container for other containers.
275 · Feb 2014
To You
Kay-Ann Feb 2014
I want you to know exactly what you mean to me
and how much I adore you
You will never understand how much I appreciate you in my life
You'll never know how much Im glad you didnt give up onme
You didnt let me drown
You held me up out the waters and saved me
I'm glad
Glad that separation didn't separate us
It really is challenging
Months apart and you're almost over the edge
But i promise I won't let you fall
I know how pessimistic I can be
It's just that I'm afraid to be happy
because whenever I am,  something always goes wrong
I'm happy that you're still with me....
You're not perfect either - I know you're torn inside
But I love you anyway
I love you cause you know me
I love you cause you understand me
I love you cause you accept me
I love you cause you love me
I love you cause you sing a song only my heart understands
So let me see the remains of your heart
and see if they fit into the broken shattered pieces of mine
To make a cracked but whole heart
Please wait for me
we'll lay together content with being beside each other's body
and get drunk and tell each other things we're too scared to say sober.
266 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Kay-Ann Sep 2018
I think God is calling me
Life is much too violent, too fleeting
to be walking without light
but it's not a soothing call
it's not dresses that cover my shoulders and knees
or hymns
or holy communion
It's not Mama waking me up to Milo and crackers
It is a command
that thundered within me
yet I heard it whispering to a part of me that I thought died years ago
A call to order
For me
From me
228 · Nov 2019
love as a political act
Kay-Ann Nov 2019
All around me were revolving doors, thousands of them, but somehow, she found me. Or maybe I found her. Fire ravaged my soul like indigenous lands but still I trusted god, put my knees in the dirt and asked for a love so strong it could soothe a blaze, stop a war.

I needed love to bathe me in a crepuscular light then send me
giddily running to the moon. I needed a love that had my nose
and eyes and lips. I stood in pools of tears seeing migrant
children be reunited with their parents, cameras cocked and aimed like guns ready to capture the crime scene they created. Colored bodies filled prisons and the earth. They needed love too.

Thank the baby blue heavens for her. She appeared one February amid a terrible time, casually strolled over to me like death to disease-ridden soldiers. The water in the air sparred with the crispness of a fading winter, a doldrum that could only be killed by springtime beauty clashed with my Capricorn/I-can’t-help-that-I-need-to-feel-productiveness, a tyrant fighting any faint sign, plan, idea, microscopic bacteria of progress.

We’ve both cut ourselves open and tasted our own blood. Brown eyes sunken from seeing/feeling/being too much. But this love could be salvation. With every kiss planted and every crevice found, I feel seen. With her, my body is not theirs, not a battleground but sacred land. When she takes me into her mouth like holy communion, I know she’s worth the sacrifice.

We lie together, dark-skinned limbs so intertwined, respiratory systems so in sync we could be one. They demonize us the same anyways. I hear sirens and protests but it’s soft, like hushed turbulence. The sound of her heart beating as fast as mine was louder. Our hands clasped like we were still praying for each other, for the world.
Kay-Ann Jun 2020
My day

is

slumbering till my limbs are ready to move

drinking enough water to start a river

dicing the base to the best dishes (skellion and bell peppers).


I stick my head out

for mists of air

arm myself with hand sanitizer

and endlessly walk around at supper time.

I am anxious                                                 I am grateful.


Stillness has made me recognize

a new gnawing in my bones

a seething underneath my skin.

A desire to create the uncreated

to produce gold

haunts us all

like a disease.


But

it’s okay

to be mundane

to be like silver.

I want to reach inside myself

and hug this consuming thing,

quell it.

Tell it all I will do is

obey my nocturnal desires

dance to the music of our now-future

listen to the grumbling of the Metrorail

watch the ritual of trees

and sleep.
170 · Oct 16
Yussef’s Dream
Kay-Ann Oct 16
“The nightmare is that there are two worlds. The nightmare is that there is only one world, this one.” — Susan Sontag*

an embroidered dove flies off the fabric
that mother and sister kneaded
materializes into hopes and wants (needs)
for something better
something across continents (maybe)
does the future see you and me (alive?)

does it see our land
full
open
devoid of checkpoints
of armed tanks
of blood and curfews
that seems to pool years into months.

if i hide in this cart of oranges
close my war-stained eyes
i can be transported
and
information will fasten itself to me like a seatbelt
and
i will find the three jewels to win your heart

in bed,
i am transformed into
a robin
i fly away
soaring so high i could see what it was like
before
billowing away to the rhythm of the tablas.

— The End —