Your brother
has laid flowers
on your stone
today Ole.

Tulips, pink,
purple and white,
I think.  

The black
memorial stone,
sculptured book,
what beauty
here stands;
chiselled words,
name and dates,
else all said,
to mark and say
you’re dead.

Aba wishes,
as do others,
it was not so,
that stone
was not in place,
that you were
here still,
face to face.  

But fact is
that you are
and that it is
in place,
book sculptured
and designed as such,
skilfully done
and made to last;
outlive us
who come see
and make our visit,
steady and firm,  
granite made,
and there
beside you,
Ole, we also
will be boxed
and gently laid.

Netanya met me
at the rail station
and we got the train

to the coast
for the evening air
and sight of sea

and just be
he asked
where are you going?

and I said
that's for me to know
and you to guess

I told him
Netanya said
the sight of the sea

and moonlight
and the sound of waves
and smell of salt

made the trip out
with her special
does he guess

who you are with?
I asked
she looked out

at the horizon
a ship passed by
shadowy

in the evening light
he can guess
all he likes

won't make
any difference
she said

we walked along
by the beach
she held my hand

her wedding ring
had been removed
the green raincoat

tied tight
against
the evening wind

must seem odd to him
that you choose
to go out

rather than stay in
and watch TV
I said

are you sorry
I asked you out?
she said

no
just curious
as to why?

I said
she looked at me
with her dark eyes

think I love you
she said
then looked away

at the sea
dangerous three words
I said

but meant
she said
not easy to admit that

about someone
guess not
I said

how do you feel
about me?
she asked

I like being with you
I said
I think of you a lot

and?
she said
what does that mean?

I smelt the salt
strong
hitting the lungs

clearing the head
love you a lot
I said.

The butterflies*
        turned into ravens,
Feasting over
        my ***** feelings.

Four ****** down washed away with beer.
I can no longer live a life lead by fear.
Constant stress of just being awake,
when all I ever wanted was to just get away.
To start my life over, but it’s not that easy
when the mask you once donned has sunk its teeth in.

The walls I built around me to keep myself safe
have become this new fortress from which I can’t escape.
The sigil of the heart I once wore on my sleeve
has long since faded into a jaded, new me.
How foolish I was to think I could go back
to the person I was before I donned the mask.

I’m afraid I’ll do something I regret.
Like go AWOL, or just end up dead.
I try to hold on but the memories are fleeting
now all that I hear is my subconscious screaming
piercing my thoughts, no hope for peace
now all that I seek is some form of release.
A light pole at 80, just another crash.
Or the squeeze of a trigger for my brain to catch.

I’m tired of not seeing a reason
to see this life through yet another season.
Everyone dies, that fact remains true.
you may be happy living
but I’m not you.

It’s welling up, it’s closing in.
I’ve waited for the end since this all began.
Like the petal of a rose decomposing in the dirt.
my sanity has withered into nothing but hurt.

A distant memory that I’ve driven away,
how long will I last before I give up and say
"**** it I’m done. Today’s the day
that I’m done with this ****. I’m going away
and not coming back. My new home’s the grave.”
I can only imagine its coming up fast.
My world is collapsing, this isn’t going to last.

Maybe I’ll say my goodbyes and wish everyone well
and tell everybody I’ll see them in hell.
But that **** isn’t real, death is only the black.
A dreamless sleep from which you never come back.
I’ll open my arms and greet it with relief.
The blackness will welcome me, and I’ll finally know peace.

Your words ring out leaving me confused.
Fulfilling my dreams and hope anew.
But the same lie a million times,
can never be true.

It slips through the cracks of your perfect smile.
Caressing my ears to the sound of denial.
Weeding its way inside my mind.
Plucking my heartstings to the rhythm of lies.

So swallow your words while I choke on formalities.
While you’re ******* lies, I’m drowning in reality.
The waves are crushing, dragging me under.
Your betrayal; the storm and the roaring thunder.

They’re calling me home.

You told me goodbye and showed me the door.
I'd walk forever if you'd love me once more.

I'm not a man of words
and I could never quite say
just how special you were
or how much you meant to me.

So I'll start my journey to nowhere
and I'll start it right here.
I'll walk to the ends of eternity
and hope I see you there.