I met him in October,
The month he was born.
I met him in October,
And it was cloudy and chilly
And I hated him.
Not because he wasn't funny,
Or nice.
But because there was something inside me telling me to stay away.
Run away.
I guess, at some point I lost myself in the vast sea that I thought was his love.
And I let myself drown without realizing it.
I made myself into puzzle pieces that were his smile
And the way his hand was twice the size of mine.
He took all of my insecurities and made them into his own.
He hollowed out my bones and fit himself inside.
Fighting was our favorite past time
It was loud and uncomfortable and mean and wrong.
I left him in December,
Two long years later.
The month that I saved myself.
When I came up for air I didn't recognize myself
And I tried to put myself back together
But the pieces didn't fit anymore because
His smile was gone
And so were his hands.
So I floated for a while
In sadness
Silence.
I lost myself when I lost him and I didn't know if I ever even knew myself.
So I'm still floating, trying to put myself back together.
I've healed all the wounds he left me.
I've filled my bones with music and words and books that I love.
I'm not lost in the vast sea that I know wasn't love.
I'm just lost in me.