Dear 17-year-old me,

I'm sorry that we failed you so many times. I'm sorry we didn't get the help you needed.  I know you are so incredibly sad but you will get better. It will get a lot worse before it gets better. You will get your heart broken. You will be alone. You will try to fix it by sleeping with a guy who can't love you and he will hurt you repeatedly. You will hurt you and everyone around you because of it. You will drink too much. You will get really drunk at a party and tell a guy he can do something to you that won't make you feel better. You will pass out. He will do it anyway. You will be best friends for a longtime. You will feel violated and *****. People will be mad at you for it. People will look at you different and make fun of you for it. You will stop eating. You will start cutting again. You will stop believing in God. You will try to **** yourself. You will drop out of art school. You will start smoking and doing many things you never thought you would do. You will start purging. You will leave scars on your body too deep to heal. You will try to get help. You will fail. You will lose sleep. You will sleep every other night. You will hate yourself. But it will stop.

You will find God. You will get help. You will start eating again and you will gain a lot of weight but it will be okay. You will realize you were taken advantage of at that party and you will know that is why you are struggling. You will forgive yourself and stop being friends with that guy. You will start sleeping. You will find joy in sorrow. You will love and be loved. You will paint and draw and create. You will stop cutting. You will laugh so much. You will look depression in the face and say "you don't own me." You will be strong. You will hope. You will grow.

I wish I could hug you and tell you that you are beautiful and wanted and worthy. I want to tell you that you are smart and creative and enough. I want to tell you that the world will come crashing down around you and you will be okay. I want to tell you that I love you and one day you will too. Keep going because life gets so much better. You get so much better.

-Your biggest fan, 20-year-old you

I am drowning in my guilt for thoughts that I can't shake away
and you just say the way I think is something I should just betray.
What about all the abuse that comes from voices in my head?
Will you even weep for the loss of me when I finally drop dead?
I was losing faith,
you just pushed me away.
My heart was bursting at the seams
you just kept spitting on my dreams.
I asked to get away.
You begged me to stay.
What the hell do you want?
I can't make the voices stop.


And I will take my pain to someone who can give me what I need.
I should have known this all along I should have found the guts to leave.
Because I live by what you're preaching,
but I always come up short.
My relationship with God's not something I have to report
to you.
Or anyone unless I'm shedding light.
But not for praise or for approval,
not for every stupid fight.
I know my place
and I will live by this.
Make no mistake,
I don't feel forced to hide
my dignity
or be ashamed of what's inside.
I just don't plan to abandon my morals
for one generation's pride.
I'm done.

I'm not angry I promise.
I'm just completely consumed.
All my friendships are burning,
and my family is turning
into something I can't stand.
All I need is some compassion
from the ones I love.
And they just tell me to try
I'm done.
Really this time.

Dear reader,
I have hope.
I found it buried
beneath ashes
I had made.

I'm okay now.

I once burned
the bridges
that kept me sane
but I've rebuilt them
and crossed them.

I am safe now.

I neglected
to tell you
what I had done
and how it felt
to be freed.

I am freed now.

Come with me
cross that bridge
and find a way
to be okay,
to fly.

Come fly with me.

With the pills I was beaming.
I was shining.
Still in pain
But I knew how to cope.

Without the pills I am crashing.
I am overcome with darkness.
So much pain
No way to forget it.

Where I smiled,
now I snarl.
Where I laughed,
now I weep.
The boom of confidence
Now replaced by a hiss of doubt.
The once hushed voice
Back to remind me of the violence.

How can I get back?
How can I be okay alone?
I'm too afraid to think about it.
Too afraid I won't save myself.

You get to be brand new
A whole new you
The old me?
Oh I'm not sure
She died somewhere on I-96
Between Detroit and Fowlerville
She just collapsed
In the front seat of her mother's Malibu

I do believe it was soon after
She punched a trash can
And made out with her best friend
And then followed him into a room
She never really remembered
Much after that point
But she cried a lot about it

Until she died
She turned into her own grave stone
She took something to help her sleep
Took half the bottle
And got sick
She woke up crying
But she woke up
Only to die a few weeks later

I still visit her sometimes
Like tonight
On New Year's
To shove it in her face that I managed
I survived what she couldn't

I still hate her
But I still love her too
She lives in a dark place in my heart
That sometimes I flush out
With her favorite drink
Like tonight
On New Year's

I don't want to go
I never loved them
Not like my friends
I recently lost

They all have lives
I live with my mom
I have no future
Planned out

The only way
I hear a friendly voice
Is when I answer the phone
When the telemarketers call

I have no job
They all pay bills
They look at me funny
Like I'm pathetic

They don't know me
Not anymore
I don't want to go
I'm too embarrassed

I spilled the paint on the carpet
You laughed it off and said
You still love me
I'm still me
Not those others you feared

Fast forward and I'm not a ******
I'm still young so you shake your head
You still love me
I'm kind of like you now
Like all those other teenaged girls

Now I smoke and I drink
You can hardly look at me
You still love me
But you treat me different
I'm just like my brother and my father

Now I'm afraid of making
Any more mistakes
You always said you loved me
For who I was
But now I realize
You loved me for who I wasn't
And when I changed and became
Sort of just like them
Your heart shifted
You never saw it coming

But this is who I am
And I don't think I'll change
I like the way things are
In my heart and in me
You don't have to pretend
I know things are different
Just don't lie to me

You said you saved me
That you got the worst of the childhood
Because YOU chose to drink
And get into all of that stuff
I won't touch

All you did was break me
As for me and my childhood
I just want to forget it
Because you took it from me
You just don't see it

You were not the one
Whose brother was taken away
Whose brother is killing himself
Whose brother tore apart his own mother
And left you to put her back together

You were never the one
Who paid for your mistakes
You don't deserve to be angry
We do
You ***** us of our childhood
You took everyone away
You made mom scream and cry
I was only eight

Do you know I can't sleep
Do you know I have this
Constant fear of waking up
And hearing you're dead
I don't think you do
You think of no one but you

They tell me
Never to do what you did
Because it will leave me
Dried out and scarred
But what they can't see is
It already has
Even without one sip

I'm not strong
I can't deal with being
Expected to do the right thing
I'm not who you thought I
Always was

I crumble so easily
Fall apart at the smallest things
And I know this
So I got the hell out
For my own good

You don't need to keep
Pointing out that I
Am not living up to the
Perfect person I was
I know

These are my flaws
I know them by heart
I see them every time
I catch my reflection
So stop saying it

You don't even see
The darker things I hide
How I destroyed myself
How I refused to eat
How I tried to take my life
And fell apart when I couldn't
Even do that
How I keep thinking
I could do it for real
How I keep hiding
Every sigle ******* thing I
Feel

You were the only good thing
In his broken life
But you left him
By twisting a broken knife
Into his heart

And now his best friend
Follows you like
You followed him
Another sharp spike
Making its way in

You don't say a word
Won't tell him you're done
Not until everyone knows
Not until he's build up hope
Not until he will crumble
When you tell him the truth

I always said I'd never blame you
But he's still very close to my heart
And now I'm just mad, he just cries
You said forever from the start

I know things change
And he's no prince charming
And he's obsessed with dumb
Harsh ways of self-harming
But I've never seen him love
Anyone or anything
Even half of the amount that
He loves you

It’s hard to remember the time I flew above the clouds.
But I can remember the moment I crashed to the ground.
You say it’s different
Sure it’s different
I can smell it on your breath
I can’t believe I put my faith
In such a disappointing mess
Don’t you think it’s time to own up to what you did?
Guess it’s just my fault for being what you hit.

And I’m wondering why oh why I,
Keep breaking over you now.
And I’m wondering how oh how,
I can get back to the clouds.
I’m afraid that my roots
That I have laid here
Will keep me begging for serenity.
Well I’m not listening,
I’ll be fighting till it ends me.

Nearly six months and it feels so long
Since I lost all control and I sang your song
But I wouldn’t go back
No matter how hard I smiled.

I try not to think of those nights
All they do is bring tears to my eyes,
And wonder why
Why oh why
Could I let myself go
When I held on so tight?

Who fell in love
With that?
So many moments
We can’t take back.
But I felt alive.
I felt alive.

My eyes are heavy.
My mouth is dry.
My legs are aching.
I’m just so tired.
The stars are too bright.
The moon fills up my eyes.
The air is freezing.
I’ll never sleep tonight.

No matter how many mistakes
You’ve made
I’ll always be the one to blame

Sure I put no effort into this
Guess I don’t love you
Guess I’ve given up on what you miss.

I was only 15
She was so much bigger than me
But I’ll “have to understand, Kate.”

I understand perfectly.
That no matter how hard I try,
Something will always come before me.

And you swear,
You try your hardest.
But I don’t believe you or the promises you make.
And I’ll carry you
The farthest
But they’ll always get first on what of you to take.

And I
I’m done being so
Heart broken over something I can’t fix.
I’ve tried
But in my mind I’ve always known
That I will never have you the way I did.

You don’t know what’s going on.
You have no clue who I am.
But when it comes down to it
I’m not sure you’d give a ****.

You asked me to follow the sunset
And never come back
And I would have followed you anywhere
You had empty valentine hearts
On your skin
I didn’t know how
But I was determined to fill them in.
See I’ve been feeling empty
And you’ve got so much to give.
I’ll never know if you leave
I’ll never know if love exists.

We were connected by the mouth
Knew we only had now
And that yesterday was better than ever
My heart was aching
My trembling hands
Trying to find a grip on forever.

I know I’ve messed this up
I know I’ve got some flaws
I know I make this hard
But I’m trying to fix me up
You see it’s hard to go on
Gets harder every day
I know I’m not a hero
But we’re the best we’ve got

You dug your hand
Right into my chest
and tightly grabbed my heart

You squeezed until
It burst right open
And blood came pouring out

You ripped it out
And threw it down
Making sure it wouldn't bounce

You lit a match
And started flames
Watching ashes blow in the wind

My heart was yours
And you destroyed it
You wouldn't even tell me why

But the worst part
About all of this
Was the constant smile you wore

So God and I broke up
I just couldn't do it anymore
I felt like everything I did
Was just wrong in His eyes
So I left Him
And I knew it hurt him
But I needed to go
Even if it hurt me too

After the break up
I did what I wanted
Even if they were bad things
I felt free
But I felt empty
I didn't see a purpose
In living anymore
So I tried to stop

But it didn't work
And when I woke up
I cried because I missed
My old best friend
And I just felt
Like He missed me too
That He wouldn't let me go
Because He needed me here

When I spoke to God again
I expected Him to be angry
But all I felt was love
And I wondered silently
Why I ever thought
I could just be happy
If I let Him go
But now I know

So God and I made up
And life is still hard
But I always have someone
To listen when I cry
And He never turns away
Some people call me crazy
They say He isn't real
But I just don't see why

In the dark I made a mistake
Taking shots  
Just not a break
I guess
I said yes
I think about it every day

And my eyes will take surrender
I can’t put my life back together
I’ve learned love is suicide

I see
Nothing but a blur
And my lungs will always burn
Why
Can’t I
Let that ugly piece of me go
I
Don’t want to think
A single thought about me
Why
Can’t I
Let that ugly piece of me go

Every year
September comes
I cringe
I loath the day
The day I came
Into life
Into hell
But today
Today I felt hope

I see all of these things
Things I have always longed to be
But they seem so far away
And at the same time I can taste them

My momma saw my scars
Scars I carved into my arms
She pretends that it's nothing
But worries when I stop speaking

I'm expected to be fine
Expected to live my life
To the standards of those who
Never took a second to get to know me

And they all think they know best
Best advice comes from experience
But they don't even know
What it is I'm going through

And they never
Ever
Will

I can't get these ******* voices in my head to stop.
I'm begging someone to just cut them out.
They keep screaming.
They keep whispering.
They won't leave me alone.
They torture me.
Someone please just get them out,
before I do.

Love is ******* sliding down your throat
Something to come out so bad you hope
No one will notice the stench you breathe
And your skin sticks to your bones for all to see.

Love is a blade dancing on your wrist
Scarring the skin that your lips once kissed
Blood leaking out dripping down your arms
‘cause no one ever warned you of this type of harm.

Love is a gun barrel on your teeth
Cold and complete in a solid piece
With a pull of a trigger it will all be well
‘cause you truly believe this is worse than hell

Love is a hand clamped down on your mouth
Hushing your words as you're screaming out
No one will help you if they can’t hear
So you might as well take it and deal with the fear

Love is a fist crashing with your head
Just one more blow ‘fore they leave you for dead
All your teeth crumble and lips they bleed
But they swear to you this is just what you need

One for saying that stupid thing.
One for feeling so ****** for no reason.
Two for being the grossest thing alive.
So many for the sake of feeling something.  
300 little cuts.
In places no one will see.
Covering me.
Scarring me.
Reminding me that this is not a dream.
I am alive.

I'm fine.
Happy even.
I do not cry for death any longer.
But I don't want to be here.
Not numb,
But feelings weak.
Like a smile plastered zombie running.
I felt so alive back then.
So low,
But I got high.
Emotional pendulum swinging.
Never stopping for a break.
Was it depression?
Or was I just confused?
Was I just feeling?
All I know is I don't,
and never will like
the way I feel.
Even with pills.

And you can go ahead
and be flattered.
I landed in your bed,
like it mattered,
to you.
I know,
that you never cared for me.

So tell all your friends,
that I wrote you a poem.
We can watch how this ends,
as I run my way home.
It's true,
I know,
that you never cared for me.

So I run.
So I run from something.
So what?

I bet you,
I bet you wouldn't stay.
I bet.

Ever felt like dying?
Ever felt like you couldn't stop?
Maybe you have.
Or maybe not.

But try,
But try please, for me,
to stay.

And I'll return the favor.

Maybe I’ll
Let a man take me on a date.
Maybe I’ll
Tell him to drive slow, just so I’d get home late.
And maybe I’ll, maybe I’ll give in to just one kiss,
On imperfect lips.
‘Cause nothing is perfect if,
I’m not by you.

Maybe I’ll
Admit to falling hard for you.
Maybe I’ll
Tell you that I know, the truth about you, too.
And maybe I’ll, maybe I’ll let go of getting caught,
In all of your distraught.
But nothing is perfect if,
I’m not by you.

Maybe I’ll, maybe I’ll, maybe I’ll
Get called right back to you.
And maybe I’ll, maybe I will sing
And keep to my heart true.
I need to run from you.

Maybe I’ll
Go back to a me that’s free.
Maybe I’ll
Tell myself to forget, the feeling of your arms around me.
And maybe I’ll, maybe I’ll move on.
Or maybe I won’t.
‘Cause nothing is perfect if,
I’m not by you.