do you remember the first time they called you pretty?
no?
what about when they called you ugly
and you went home and cut off your bangs,
threw out that shirt,
and cried all night,
remember that?

when that boy told you there was something wrong
with the hair on your body
you told your mom you needed to shave
to make him feel comfortable,
to make him like you.

do you remember the first time you thought you were worthless?
and what you saw staring back at you
wasn't quite right
there was always one little thing, right?
almost there, right?
just take a little bit of this away,
lose a little bit of you,
and maybe then,
they will think you are good enough.

"am i there yet?"
no, not yet.

I would much rather be studying
where you move your hands
and how you will kiss me next.
It's hard to concentrate on the different conjugations
of the verb querer,
when all I really want is your couch
with the torn up leather
and the small tables
and drizzle on the windows.
So come save me from the textbooks,
crawl into my body and unwrap my soul
until I can remember what your name tastes like.

You were a house on fire,
But I could not stay away.

This encounter
has left me feeling
like I could really use
a padlock
a wire cage
and three tons of bricks
right now.

It isn't easy
or anywhere near
a walk in the park
or a Sunday morning stroll.

So the padlock stays locked
and the cage stays wired
those bricks will not shift.

But I'm not going anywhere.

It's confusing.
That's what I tell them,
And it is the truth.

I don't understand why,
When I am with you,
I feel warm in the darkest parts of me.

Your arms,
They feel like a pitched tent
In a thick forest,
With the campfire crackling.

It's easy to tell you the scariest moments of my life
And that I prefer snakes over spiders.

I want you to tell me about what it was like growing up.
How you aren't there yet.
I want to hear about your dreams.

*I want to make you feel like home.

Loneliness is nothing more than the condition of being alive
So be lonely
When the entire universe has its back turned to you,
Be lonely
Let the world know you are human
Feel.
And feel more deeply than you ever imagined you could
Embrace the loneliness
It isn't killing you
It is creating you

Remember when we first met?
At recess on the pavement
In my little white dress
And pink high tops.
Six years old.
You didn't care that it hurt,
So you did it again
And again
And again.
You came into my life
And refused to leave
Until I "grew up".
Well I grew up.

You met the daughter of bullying,
Her foot in your side.
She didn't care that it hurt.
She didn't care that you cried.
"Grow up" bullying told her father.

I met you again at the new school.
New town, I thought,
This will be better.
Boy, was I wrong.
The weird girl.
The girl with the black t shirt.
But you could no longer hurt me.
I had a wall,
Made of bricks
Piled one on top of the other,
Even taller than you.

You found me again,
When my wall went crashing down.
When she left me,
You found me.
You made them leave me.
You didn't care that I cried
During the national anthem
On a Tuesday morning
In homeroom.

You got worse.
Because you got silent
You became a knife in my back
Whispers across the hall
To the girl with the beautiful long hair.

You started giggling
From across the white tiled classroom,
While you stuck you "Hello My Name Is" stickers on my forehead.
So everyone could laugh with you.

But I am here to tell you one thing.
You are wrong.
I am not the weird girl.
I am the beautiful girl.
I am the happy girl.
You lost.
And I don't care if you hurt.