Every moment my eyes are open
I am reminded by them how flawed i am
They list all my imperfections
I avoid mirrors
Mirrors speak so hard and unkind to me
It drowns out all the other voices
I tell myself its not true
Stay strong
You are beautifull
You are loved
You are an amazing person
People are lucky to know you
But in my heart i know its not true
In my heart lives a scared little girl
She never got the change to become great
She learned how to survive abuse
How to brake herself with critical words
That the mirror hurts more
Now, in her room, my heart
She sits and cry
Tearing the wall paper
My voice her only solace
It is okay
Dont fear
I am here
I got you
The comfert i bring her
Yes, short lived
But all i have
All she has

I reach for my lover
An ache to share my despair
Depression knocks and wont leave
An echo that emphasizes the nothingness
Alone i was born
Destined to walk alone
Empty handed
Alone i shall die
No one will moarn only miss the helping hand
Why did God choose this fight for me
Broken beyond repair
Lost for all eternity
To wander the desolate land

In my fantasy i have a family
In my dreams i have a home
Reality my cruelest master
I have become a slave to this pain
Feeding it and off it
A twisted cycle of pretence
A false identity of born free and free will
Truth
i have become so used to this self torture
I am addicted

So easy
They leave
They forget
They become known strangers
Their words of praises barely cold
Was it all an illusion
To shape to their need
To manipulate me to their whim
I feel like an old rag
Passed around

i wish upon no-one
desolate heartache known by me
i desire to protect others from
to ease there pain where able
you took advantage of my golden heart
not my blame for being desent
you will pay a price
i will not see my retitution
karma will not forget you

A perfect emotional storm
Perfect ride for the thrill seekers
Born from the union of insecurity and lies
Mistress to loneliness and bitter silence
Fueled by hormones and chemical imbalance
I can stand it anymore
Welcome back my happy pills
Sorry i evicted you
Please make this your home
Mutual co existance will begin
Pain despair and grief
To keep me grounded
Joy excitement and love
To keep me high
Everyday emotions, in between all
To keep me level
That were me and i and cylift stay
Welcome home.......

on the journey back
being more present in the now
not numbing out time
respecting the space between
respecting time
most importantly giving time, time
cry, shout, yell
let it all out
let my voice be heard
a dream was promised
a nightmare was delivered
trust is broken
i learn to live in your absence
i learn to grow
feeding of droplets of love from others
soon your absence will not be felt anymore
then you will miss the space i appointed you
your presence will be disruptive to me
the journey ahead is long
i welcome it
my strength will be tested
but i am ready

You declare your love
My scares tell my story
Lost faith
Broken trust
Hopeless hope
You declare your love
I hesitate
I believe you unworthy
Unexplained
My demons are back
They influence my perspective
The noise is overwhelming
Only my ears hear
Internal battle rages
You declare your love
This include my demons?
Cylift straight jacket them
Numbness bring quite
Makes me not me
You stil wanne declare your love
I cannot seperate my demons from me
We are the matrix
All one
Connected and the same
Do you still want me
Will your arms be my cage when needed
Will your chest be my embrace
Will your voice console me
Will your touch comfort me

My jaw hurts
Locking and clenching
My voice has become silent
Behind pearly whites
Strange
An extrovert with nothing to say
In the dark of night
My dreams roar to live
A film of my darkest fear
No words
Only images that scare

Rocking myself
Back and forth
Back and forth
Rocking myself better
Feeding myself love
Tryna self medicate
My close people look puzzled
What cause this severe reaction of depression
Truth i fell inlove
Completely
Unplanned
For 2nd time in my life
I have someone i cant be without
I fear your loss
Leaving me dead
The fear cripples me
Poisons me slowly
Help i think but dont speak
How to handle
How to get better
How to rebuild stronger

A wirlpool of ideas
Moving at unthinkable speed
Each thought thread
Intertwined in new vines
Sprouting new growth
A maze
Created high and wide
All from you stirring my deepest fear

You say only me
Your actions proof it
Your a mastermind with planning
Clever manipulator
My bibo
Why is she found on your phone
Leave this relation
I will cry
I will tear myself to pieces
When the dust settles
I piece myself togethe again
And live

Im so scared
So very scared
The sun will rise
And You
Dissolve like mist
I swear im not seeing ghost
My gut feeling mostly right
I pray im wrong
This conflicting thinking
Internal monologue senseless word slinging
God help me
I am convincing myself to believe you
My trust have issues
We will be unavailible till further notice

Never before
The depth of my feelings
Frighten me to shiffers
If you were to be revealed a lie
I would succumb to the pain
Breathing but dead
You are a beautiful dream
Waking
What horror

I pray love is true and faithfull
I am lost to you
Lack of confidence
Birth doubt
Unneeded doubt
I am so afraid
Petty fight
Short temper
Rolling eyes
Sass and attitude
All walls
To protect
No to hide
My shame
My fear
My terrified heart

My bibo
Please be only mine,please

I question my sanity
Do i see truth
Or am i fabricating my own truth
Its easier to believe your guilt
Its unbelievably hard to keep your truth
You and me
True love
Faithfull love
Trustworthy love
Real passionate love
When with you
I feel the intense love you radiate
When you leave i fall in the void
Not water
Not fog
Not cold
A void
Black
How can i be so lucky to have been found by you
How can i be so lucky that you chose me and only me
All this is to good to be happening to me
The dark sorrowful one

We talk about marriage and children
I should be ecstatic
I find only fear and confusion
When my eyes fall upon you
I am complete happy and confident
The great devide of absence
Steals my confidence
Worsen by my gemini personality
Over thinking
over analizing
Constantly observing detail
Right or wrong
Plotting
Planning
Two sides of a coin
Im drowning in my head
I cannot trust myself
My mind
My heart
My gut
They all lie to me
No one knows
The turmoil hidden in my jaws
Clenched teeth
Energetic laugh
Clowning jokes
No one knows
No one sees

My greatest fear
Loving a wrong somebody
Loving for the wrong reason
Being controlled
Forced to bend to others whim
Loosing my identity
Uprooted independence
Being not good enough
Being used and mislead
Being left broken and abandoned

Having to walk a difficult road of recovery
No one can recover from a love like this
Wrong or misleading
Right or true
Its deep to the inside of my bones
How will i recover from broken bones
The heart has no bones
No visitors
No get well soon
Nothing
Only silence
Broken by tear drops
Only on inside

I reward the ghost in my head
Fresh blood offerings
A daily schedule
Never realised
Found myself
Drained on the floor
Starring into nothing
Disbelieve visible
It was my own blood i gave
Self sacrifice
Doomed myself
Refused to believe my eyes
Real love knocked and entered
This web filled dusty house
He chose to call home

Tormented by deceitful thoughts
I keep seeing ghost
Ghost unknown to me
You promise you are clear minded
I Cant shake the feeling
That you already belong to someone
My soul pleads
My eyes reveal the torture
I smile to redirect
Inner turmoil
What to do
How to do it
I feel trapped by my love for you
Weary of your manipulative skills
How will it end
In horror or in joy
This fear born from past wrongfull lovers
I thought this wound healed
Only a thin scare did i see
Now it is a festering wound
Spilling blood
Bulging infection
I am disgusted at the sight

What to do
How to do it
Lost
Utterly lost
Fear creeps in
The shadows are alive

Why im cheaper then a working girl
Asking no reward for occupation and services rendered
At least they have standards
Having monetary value

I think about you obsessively
You even become part of my fairy dreams
An easy escape from my reality
An unhealthy attachment has grown
Canserous growth
Mutated from normal affection
My internal compass broke
Faulty parts
No one realised
Engin running on fumes
A complete emotional brake
You created sudden seperation
No warning
No preperations
No help
You caused my brake

Im so tired
Im exhausted
I want to crawl inside
Say my goodbyes
Say welcome to my new life inside me
This is all from being cheap and easy

I wish you would write me
The words can swirl and swirl
Looking glass into hidden depths
I would melt into you
Become centered
Home eternal
You
Us

I wish you would write me
Passion revealed
Mixed in words spoken
Hidden looks
A quick twitch in eye
Mouth corner reveals

I wish you would write me
Pain deep
Demons gorging
I want to slay
Defend my home
You refuse
You not ready to let go
You love you

I wish you would write me.....

If romance was old
How come men still buy women flowers
Write love poems and songs
Declare their love bold and true
Buy decorated chocolates
Buy fluffy teddies
Romance is the real commodity of love
Second by trust and passion
All reveal inner monologue
I care enough or not
I want this person or not

An old soul
Lived free among chivelry and wonder
Reincarnated to this money driven world
Forced into monetary slavery
Day in day out
A rat race in a maze
Over saturated with fake images
They erode my confidence
**** beautifyl women
I could never be that.....
I long for freedom
No races
Quite living
Inlove and loving you
Trapped desperate help

I respect your hustle
I support your hustle
But baby stay in touch
I serve you
Im rewarded with scraps
You want to be chased
But im no priority
You want your ego brushed
Mine you trample

Seperation anxiety
Im so tired
Waking in the night
Shiffering with fear
Unable to calm my thoughts
Poetry my sounding board
No judgment
Pure freedom among artist im home

I hate my life
The lack of meaningful relationships
The lack of connection to people
The lack of fulfillment
I live in pretence
Only way to make it through
I live alone
I eat alone
I sleep alone
I wake alone
I walk alone
I worry alone
I am tired of this emptiness
I hate my life
Oh how i have tried and tested
Gambled and broke
Left misrable heartbroken
Why this winter rose lives
I can't fathom
I fear death
I fear suicide
I fear cutting
But need release
I hate my life

People
My only regret
They use abuse manipulate discard
Trash
Never recycled
Companionship
My weaknes

Cant sleep
You took my sanity
Crumpled it up
Satisfied with your work
You tossed it into the fire
Im heartbroken
Im confused

I fear death more than depression
Caught between my vices
Once beautiful chaos
Now it make no sense to me
No one notices behind the clown paint
Falling slipping falling
I reach for you
You reach for excuses
You promised to hold my hand
Im so tired of your lies
Lies, 3 square meals a day
Im over weight
Going on hunger strike

I need to purge
My body resist
Im drowning in my own body of lies
Why wont i release you
Faith died
Hope on her last leg
But holding on
Refusing to yield
I need to purge

You do not love as i love
I crave you
You occupy my every thought
I wither in your absence
You show none of this
You love but not as i do
I make time
No matter how tired
Want you to feel a priority
You serve me excuses
I am saturated
You do not love as i love
I fear neglect
I fear me being forced on a shelf
A trophy covered in dust
Barefoot and pregnant....
Loss of independencr
Your mind is fickle at best
You love but not as i do
Forced to eat your decisions
You do not discuss future plans
You want me for children
You want my body
You do not see me
I love you love an idea of love

I struggle to breath
Want to sleep but not tired
I want to talk but nothing in mind
I strain myself to be present
Spacing out my favourite thing
If im not present i cannot hurt
The source unclear
No one understand
Foreign language i have become
My silence unreadable
I crawl through the sewerage pipes of my mind
Desperatly trying to find the source
All this turmoil need a source
I wish you could hold me forever
Squeeze so tight my pieces fit
But when you let go
I fall
Brake and shatter
When you hold me i feel safe
I feel anew for the fight
But you always leave
You leave to rejoin your happy life
I realise the empty my life is
I hate my life

At the sound of you
My demons shrivel and hide
You my emotional constant
When you present
I am at peace
But you always leave
You love me
I can feel it to the bone of my soul
You care about me
But do not recognise my demons
You do not understand my suffering
Why you have to leave
Why you always leave

I fear loosing you
I still dont know
Who opened the door
Who allowed entry
My home deviled
Depression has moved back
My past hurt mixed with a consuming love
A love that feels ancient
Reincarnated lovers
Soul connection for infinity
Fear to loose the gift that is you
Allowed depression to see my potential
I crave daily
Zoning out
Not having to focus and fix
Not having to feel and deal

Once i lived in darkness
Misrable and alone
Surviving on any possible contact
Blending into other families
As the missing puzzle piece
Never finding home
Suddenly you dropped in my life
I resisted
Fear of olden days creepin
Never realised old wounds still festering
You gracefully with love and tenderness
Skillfully filled and continue to fill
My hidden cracks and spaces
Me becoming whole
My greatest gift
Thank you

tired body
callus hands
sun colored skin
mind always analiazing
which is possible next move
like a well played chess game
pride of family
supporting many
silent and strong
tender and loving
true and loyal
i respect your hustle
i appreciate your hustle
day in and day out
if you need i will help build
if you allow i will help
if you call i will help

I wish for the day to come
That i will feel beautiful
That i dont feel like left overs
That i will know beyond doubt you love me
That i will know you dont think about her while with me
Yes im insecure
Yes i am jealous of her
Yes i fear when you see her again
You will realise that i am a mistake

U upset
Found me smoking
When i smoke
I am feel free
I am above my fears
I feel happy
You understand but fear addiction
I say i control the supstance
It dont control me
I sound like a drug addict
Convincing people your not an addict
I cannot do this alone
I scream in my head
An extrovert not speaking
I need help
I am drowning
I fear
I ooze with fear
But skillfully hide behind well rehearsed pretence
Differant persona
Each unique for its audience
Only one audience no show for
My true self
You givd good advice
Go see head doctor
Pray more
Dont think to much
Its not my mind
Im a prisoner of my unhealed emotions
I go through list of potential surrogates
Non qualifies as allie
Only the true god

Everytime you leave
Fear creeps up
Is this the last time
It consumes my thoughts
I feel powerless agains my emotions
A stampeed i face
I love you
I miss my family
I fear loosing you
I fear
Words faill to express
You fail to comprehend
My fault for doubting
Just how much you know me
You study me constantly
You understand
We feel the same
Old lovers
From past lived lifes
Wanting longing and founding each other
I will endure only a short while
Just a few months
I keep telling myself
Trying to drown the pain
Why do i miss you so much
To extend it becomes pain
Then it builds into depression
Your my cure
My disease
My bad habit
My drug
My fix
How did i get to this mess
I hate that i love you so

Today, i hate my life
Why, i dont know
Feel stuck on a game board
They forgot to tell me the rules
I keep loosing
Restart game
Forced to play wounded
Today, i hate my life
Tired of being taken for a fool
Tired of expectations given
But broken again and again
I am to old for these games
Gues i will die some day still not knowing what it feels like to be a priority
I creep to space out
Why be present
Reality, nightmare without end
I hate my life
I hate my existance
More plus more plus more
No light
It was consumed by its inner darkness
Arent we all, consumed
Chew chew spit spit
We live skeleton lifes
I hate my life
Its punishment from karma

My warm body
You cold body
Perfect under blanket
You speak
I brake
Pieces i hold together
Clenching my teddy
Small soft and brown
The saviour of my broken sanity
A beautiful illusion of self
I am fine
I will be fine
Illusion of safety
You ask why i am not happy to see you
You the source of my joy once
Now the source of pain
All an illusion in my head
My voice i make soft and silent
Unsure of reality

I have no super powers
No special gift or talent
I am a plain flower
Struggling through the seasons
Yet to bloom
When times get rough
I switch off
I see
I hear
I understand
I feel annoying
I feel socially awkward
I isolate myself
Alone with my demons
Music
Chemicals
My thoughts, no matter how obscure
They are mine, authentic and false
I cuddle my teddy and gold, my cat

it's to late to die young
to die an unlived life
to die a legend in the making
today i will die an old battle ax
sharp, alive and knowledgeable
battles made the blade strong and sharp
enemies tried, left me alive
knowledge from surviving
an old warrior
how will my family and friends remember me
how will i measure up
will i be worthy of heaven
or thrown into hell
where will my eternal home be?
this scares me more than dieing
this scares me more than living

a simple teddy
dark brown and soft
i squash him to my chest
feel safe
feel loved
feel not alone
you spoke truth
me so spaced out
formulating a sentence to difficult
just remain quite
feel numb
speak not
drift in chemical space
i am not getting worst
i gave up the fight
i joined them

why be present
you look at me with disappointment
you don't understand
my reality is killing me
i am desperate to escape
how do i run from me

Starting to justify
Grabbing at straws
Why you wont spent time with me
Why are you always busy
Me throughing tantrums
Want attention
Want what i want
I pace myself
Reason with myself
Bring thoughts to perspective
He loves me deeply
He is committed to me
He does care about me
Showing it is lacking
I just so lonely missing you
In my corner
Feeling forgotten
What lies a tell myself

Lead me not to unhinge
A passionate sensitive fierce mind
Not tamed by time
Just so you can feel complete
Not my duty
Your lack of confidence
At fault
No challenge
The light of mind shine bright
Darkness cannot live
The tides coming to end

My mind is flying
Among clouds
Reaching stars
My haert is falling
How can one body
Crash and fly
All at once
Being pulled apart
Never to be again
Numbness follows
On the heals of a complete meltdown
Shame how i acted
Shame does not help
Powerless in my sitsuation
I numb out
Missing you is easy
Longing for you is torture

Feeling alone inlove
Cant help to wonder
About her
Your real wife
You say i hold your hand
I doubt always
I am the consolation prize
No value as a person
No mind whose opinions to hear
Only pretence to care
Goal is children
No matter what
You belong to another

Distorted view of self
The mirror never says im beautiful
I cheer for others
Presenting a happy care-free woman
Unscaved by life and struggles
Confident and strong
Capable and wise
Independant and dependable
I choose my mask carefully
My public persona important
Dont want anybody to know
The depth of my hurt
A hurt so deep
Dark and cold
Light has never and never will reach
Disabling pain
I am ashamed
My cross no-one must see
The pain that tries to destroy
Only *******
Cheer will power i rise
Slowly building resilient
Soon i will no longer feel it

Cant help but to feel a fool
Used and useless
Not sure how to discard
Too many people
High ecpectations
You created them
Now doubt creeps
You compare me to her
She is young and beautiful
I am old and "not that beautiful"
She is thinly build and desireble
I am chubby and not "smart looking"
She is always at her station
I am sosially akward
She speaks elegantly
I speak my mind
I have curly hair
She is everything i can never be
Why you choose me if you want to re-create her
I'm not worthy as i am
What a cruel reality
Never being enough
Always last choice
Always consilation prize
Who is the lesser devil

Ini stilte vani nag
Terwyl di krieke sing
Fluister die slang
Dus ju laastes in ju eigene bed
Hy fluister direk na my vrees
Vrees onbeskryfbare vrees
X vul hu my kop di spanning neem
Hu verlang x vanaand vi ju
Soos woestyn na water
X ken my waarheid
X staan op my waarheid
Ma huveel struikelblokke voor da kom
Huveel spanning n gedagtes voor redding
My redder vertrou x op
Tot my laaste

Amen

Di storm, di woed
Di wind, di huil
Ruk di mure soos hy hardloop omi hys
Wat sal wees sal staan
Hu diep is ons wortels
Is di fondasi stewig
Saggies en versigtig sluip x nader
Da sit vrees omring deur sy makkers
Trots op homself
Hy kry my oorhand
Vandag behoort geveg aan ju
Ma more verklaar x my oorwinning
In god se naam n met god se krag

Vrees my duidelikste chom
X kni my lewe indink sonder vrees
So deel van my vlees en been
My motivering vi als
Gooi vure dood
Kry ni kans om te beplan
My heiland
My rots
**** my asb
Die vrees verteer my
Soos acid
Die pyn verskeer
My geloof hou
X weet net u kan my help n ****

photos old and new
remind me of you
special moments only i know of
brings anxiety and alienation
i crawl into my corner and just cry
burry my head in my knees and elbows
here i will be safe behind the door on the closet floor under the bed hiding
i fear the world
i watch the world continue
tried buying a ticket
wanted to make you proud
now your crying
i miss my old life
wish i had a undo button
i miss you soo much
words cant express
my sadness
the world just moved on no pause
i often wonder what you would say right now right here
would you be mad at me for my mistakes
would you scoul me
would you just embrace me
what would you do
i think you will just hold me and promise everything will be ok from now on
you will press me to your chest and just hold me
some day well look back and laugh/ smile
on how silly i was
i miss you mum