i can Imagen the endless potential of my world
free of knowing "my place"
no boring old broken time machines
just open white space
hungry for fresh ideas and experiments
this is my dream, my desire, my hope
me rid of this stupid wrong labelled box
just me, Karin, just Karin

i don't like this world i was born into
it praised cowards and anoint liars
crucify truth speakers and freedom fighters
real leaders are played down and ridiculed
they promote brainless followers, zombies
all for love of money and power
" see i can squash you"
just try and breath without permission

my box is labeled ******, gull-able  joke, incapable, stupid, unteachable, bad writer and much much more

i want to be free of this box
it's killing me slowly, ******* my bones dry
i peek out
  - blue swollen eyes
  - broken bones
  - crushed soul

someday. . . .

a stone path
lit by faith
surrounded by black
protected by love
identified by slow adding moments
made to endure time and death
i believed this was my hunting map
now crown less
a peasant wandering
insecure
seeing but not knowing what
lost my will to try
avoid all to protect the heart
my source of life

i believed
i understood the image of love
that i would be able to identify false love
not the bedtime story love
but earnest love
now
i question its possibility of existence

i had the maturity to stand behind my words
no apologies, no excuses, no doubt
you chose your actions and words
my reprimand by another
you could not face me
apparently not your style
you wrote it ! your words and actions
they shiver with cold
guilt got you ring-fencing, a meeting
my public disgrace and punishment
all laid bare
was my secret, to protect me self esteem
a quick death, swift and silent
you took my power
you felt proud, i showed her, she knows her place
you lonely old man
surrounded by bought smiles
retirement a true test
i pity you
don't be a coward now
be the maturity you claim to present
stand behind your harsh words
razor sharp
that rip to the core
pointless butchering
cold death stare is born
you claim righteousness
be proud, stand behind, no ! claim your words and actions

FEAR
my nemesis
between my ears the battle ground
my courage
corroded by fear
my hope
imprisoned by fear
my future
dependent on the daily victories
small and big
each thought matter

in my fantasy world
i live with passion and conviction
fearless
reality , i am a shadow
never truly taking responsibility
never making a declaration
to take my freedom
yes my freedom
to destroy my jail of fear
brick by brick
one negative word at at time
i was born free
now i claim my freedom from a fear filled existance

leave me
to precious illusions
moments of bliss
love imaged
momentarily eases the thirst
the dreaded melancholy

until

i am awaken

re-remembering the gnawing thirst
even at busy intervals
never a stranger
how i wish providence to come
and quite me of melancholy
impatient i am
resentful, for unwanted experience
that lacerated deep
weak and regretful
but always interchangeable
never constant
she has alluded me in youth
i wonder
in age
have i
atoned enough
will she finally find me worthy
uncertain of my fate
i drift

you move restless impulsive, loud but empty
on the prowl, easy naive prey
you are a true merchant of death
surrounded by bought smiles
one day you call in the debt mercilessly
karma will call your debt in to, maybe already
my eyes won't have the pleasure to see
God knows best

your face, once a clean canvas
reveals the truth, death merchant
life was easy
conveniently forgetting there is a god ,watching

each brush stroke reveals more truth
choice in color, an educated eye interprets
cracks revealed- you old cracked painting
discarded - life is cruelest when you are old
a new painting painted over a discarded death merchant

an era forgotten
wiped clean - the end

try as you might
your dictated actions will never dictate mine
by the grace of my God
my actions shall be my and my choosing alone
not if it pleases thee
i will not live on my knees
i will serve no master
i will not be dictated to
you forget just my clean conscience needed
not both of ours
for a deep night sleep
your actions clearly misplaced hostility
actions not thought through
when investigated , ooh bad spot light
your honesty wont save this ship
too little too late

someone's head will be needed for the crowd
appeasement if you will
my money is on you
or will black mail save you once more
lets be honest, you know no other way
the game played by secrets

closing my eyes i sea them
across the big water
they wait for me
not sure to welcome me or shun d me

early morning the river pulls back into slumber
revealing faint but visible tracks
the dead crossed over and visited
who did they visit?
standing outside the windows watching
never moving
all you know is the airy feeling you get

they promise you peace on their *****
against the backdrop of a cruel world
it looks so inviting
what a mirage
i force my eyes open
red blood shot
i wash my face and stair into the eyes of the one looking back
lost in the world reflected

found you hiding in the bathroom stall
devastated tears just running
i pity you, will never show it
your insanity to much to stomach
grovelling for grown boys attention
they broke their toys as children
now they brake fleshy hearts served with drama directed by cowardly ego
you eagerly walked the line
very well knowing fairytales do not exist
fairytales do not exist
the prince more dangerous than the dragon
the dragon protects against the world
in return you turn on the scaly animal who love you so
who love you so, it pledged forever by your side
protecting, loving and caring for you
but you wanted smooth skin wrapped in wit and charm

an old, well known, thought lost, and irretrievable sensation
runs through my soul infecting my body and mind
reaffirming my original slogan, "go big or go home"

fresh 18 year old feeling, but with a touch of maturity
less ambition and exciting-fear
have no idea what i am doing, but this time i know that it is ok not to know

today, getting naked and bumping like rabbits is easy
revealing a soul, a heart and connecting is hard
we dare each other with self destruction
a game we all play willingly to gather pain, scares and tears
each persons own Pandora box
made from past memories
Lined with regret
filled with unspoken hurt
soaked in tears
muffled by gin
raised illusion to the tip of clouds
coming of the high crashing into other earth
broken bones absorb blood and guts

tomorrow, repeat

Fly I must, soar I must
For eagle, I am
Held captive, I am, was
Forgot how to fly, I did
Forced to conform, I was
Called rebellious, I am
Dubbed trouble maker, I ,me?
What propaganda, I concur
Easier to believe, I observe
what idiots so conformed brainless thoughtless zombies, I laugh
Hunting for mine,I agree

Up over and under I race for freedom, here I come
Wings don't fail me now, I pray
Out of practise, I am
Just flap and keep us steady, born to
Jump, I tumble in the air
Rocky start, I soar
Higher and higher
Hallo clouds, goodbye clouds
Hallo sun and sky, welcome home

people pretend to care far more than what they really do
we play these mental and emotional games with each other
endangering the self while living an emence high
how ironic
when we crash and burn
we wallow in self pity and expect our victims to run and help
how twisted the human mind can be
400 years of evolution living at the top of the food chain

emotionally unavailable or ******* people
myself mutilating chosen vice

(that desperate to feel
needed, wanted and appreciated
i teach pigs to fly
unattainable and insane
but driven by a need i can't control but understand
the war for control over my unfulfilled needs
the worst kind of abuse, chronic insecurity)

usually comes to an explosive end
me, demanding revolution
them, startled

photos old and new
remind me of you
special moments only i know of
brings anxiety and alienation
i crawl into my corner and just cry
burry my head in my knees and elbows
here i will be safe behind the door on the closet floor under the bed hiding
i fear the world
i watch the world continue
tried buying a ticket
wanted to make you proud
now your crying
i miss my old life
wish i had a undo button
i miss you soo much
words cant express
my sadness
the world just moved on no pause
i often wonder what you would say right now right here
would you be mad at me for my mistakes
would you scoul me
would you just embrace me
what would you do
i think you will just hold me and promise everything will be ok from now on
you will press me to your chest and just hold me
some day well look back and laugh/ smile
on how silly i was
i miss you mum

Loose  myself in living life
Drowning like a sponge
Absorbing the second for second  play not letting fear or obsession take control of the remote

to page a book
pages covered with words in black
my inner  most translated into words
touching the paper formed by a pen point
awakens my soul
a fire always lit stokes by seeing how far
how far i have come to this
words are my life
my existence, cannot be without
drinking warm milk to sleep
with my teddy like a youth relived
alas this how i need to cope with tomorrow
my inner most private thoughts on paper
just for me to read
daily practise to become greatness
determined by my journey
the only hope i have left is my words

ten years after high school
i'm still there, god save me please
i eat alone my lunch
i am spoken to only when things need done
i'm expected to always smile and be polite
while being trampled and run over

i have become the looser geek rejected by all
"fat girls don't need love, they wear theirs
she is strong and smart, she can take it
she is use to it"

how cruel my life has become
pen and paper my most enduring friendship
always willing to listen to my tears fall and form words
always available to help make sense of my madness
i always offered a welcoming smile
eager to make people feel at home
rejected by humans
i found comfort with pen and paper

I write to ease my trouble mind, to give words to my broken emotions and to air my soul. A soul afraid of its own shadow, but filled with courage expressing sought after encouragement "tomorrow we will try again".

My true nature not even I have seen and experienced in its fullness. Hating what I see, taught to admire acceptable beauty and to shunned what might be my own unique beauty. I do not seek praise just to be seen, noticed and not ignored and labeled reject, outcast, weird and crazy

Maybe my life experience can help someone realise they are not alone. We all fight the same fight

mum married her love
rose covered eyes
ended serving an ungrateful master
finding fault with fault finding
inglorious *******, his mother should have strangled him at birth

it cost her, her life
she loved him to her dieing breath
she fulfilled her duty to the T

now you want me to forget and grand you a 2nd marriage
oh my God repeat of the 1st grant performance
a new opera will be build
new players and costumes to make you scream and cry at once
you will be deliriant with joy and pain
equal amount competing for your soul
all to serve the god if status and money
no. i do not grant thee anything
you owe me a childhood of love
              teenage years of caring
              grown up years of leading
instead you work as fault finder
all day, all night, over consuming

crisp black suite
starched white
pinned together with silver pinned tie
swaggen at the alter
awaiting forever
time a hummingbird
steady, furiously fluttering
fear mixed with excitement
will she come?
music
everyone rise
sigh of relive, great relive
shades of red and white engulf his world
the bride, glowing
forever begins

when mamma played house
behind the white picket and brown door
tears paved the way
small and unsure of the worlds
i watched with curiosity, never understanding
you speak love words
what you aim to be
what you believe to be possible
your actions speak to your footing
what you really can do
who you really are
oh how hope messed mamma up
some day the disappointment will leave my words
got my own broken , testing the science
no wish for playing house
freedom and love for me, Amen

i have found myself frozen by the cold moments of my life
living a circle of repeat cold
no spring on the horizon
i spend my days dreaming up a flurry of wishes
each more liberating than the next
giving my heart wings of gold to soar
soar so high i disappeared on the horizon
i created near perfect scenarios to live in my head
accompanied by a near perfect partner
the only man to ever call be beautiful
a man that i can make blush by just phoning
an aspiration no-one knew except me

my eyes have seen much
him i still have to see
my heart have seen
what a sight to remember

OOH SHE GONNA TOUCH ME
A WHITE WOMAN I DONT KNOW
OHK WE CAN DOT HIS JST BREATH
DONT FORGET, AIR IN AIR OUT AND REPEAT
SHE TOUCHING ME
RUN !
THE VOICE SAYS NO, SHE IS A DOCTOR
SHE HAS TO TOUCH TO INVESTIGATE
THIS TO MUCH FOR ME, I FORGOT TO BREATH
ITS ONLY A MASSAGE, NO BIG DEAL

FINALLY! SHE IS DONE
UNTIL NEXT WEEK
WHEN I FREAK OUT AND FORGET TO BREATH, AGAIN

How many more times do i have to repeat this pointless exercise of crying my eyes red and swollen due to a broken heart torn apart by grieve and regret.
How many times am i gonna dress in agony and despair and wait for the day to end. I'm glad when night falls. sleeping brings relief perceived. keep telling yourself this ****. The universe no longer listens to my repetitive crap of pain and lost glory days. I am 27 and long for my youth. How pathetic can someone be. Wallowing in self pity on the net for all to read. Is this my scream for help? this is the wrong platform don't I think.
How many times have i told myself the lie. I almost believe it. Just almost. Reality always brings me right back. Being in my twenties. I am plagued by indecision  fear and not knowing what to do. Feeling pressured 100% of the time. Finding no rest for a weary soul screaming for mercy. No, not love just mercy. You heard right. I will settle for the lesser and easier of the two. My God why have you forsaken me? I have asked this Q so many times. Still unanswered. I keep telling myself just make it to the next day time will heal my wounds and time will teach me how to beat my chest correctly without letting depression drag me down into the mud. Just make it to tomorrow. Be honest how many times have I thought about suicide only thing that stops me is what if i fail and i am left with a broken body. Lets be honest cutting sound real good now.

each night
while i rest my weary head
god comes and counts my hair
carefully he inspects each strand
to his gentle touch my strands reveal there secrets
the reason for pre-mature greying or braking
his eyes become watery in conversation with my strands
he so wants me to tell him what he already knew
he is the all knowing
he just want me to talk to him
to tell him i need you
to tell him i love you
to tell him thank you for being my father
in return he is always Faithfull
as the night gives way to the new day
second change is revealed in the new sun
enter the chamber of the king
let his favour fall upon you
in bounty rich overwhelming

my mom is always the hero in my poems
and i end up hoping that she looks down with a smile
i fear her scorning when we meet again, some day
feeling inadequate, did i measure up to her expectations
my dad is always the villein
the one who is managing an inconvenience
i never heard i was beautiful, are loved or are worthy from him
just an endless list of failures
no sister
no brothers
no best friends
just me, mom and dad
one big unhappy trio

My darling,
I never meant for you to grow up in a world absent of a loving grandmother, doting aunts and uncles, accepting great uncles and aunts, protecting cousins.I always believed I had enough time, I believed mum will be around. Till we grow grey and senile together, laughing, praying and, loving. I believed enough time is available for photos. But alas my darling I can only offer you me

From the moment your heart starts to beat
Till my heart stops beating
Our bond will be all absorbing and complete
I will be your safety net and teach you how to soar
**For an eagle you are and soar you must for I am

dear somebody
what great tragedy have befallen you
a tragedy so powerful you folded under the weight
a tragedy you gave all your power to
a tragedy that **** the life and joy from you
a tragedy that left me a broken, bitter, cold and empty father that is incapable of accepting and loving me
i have never known the safety and security of a dad
i have never known the joy of having a confidant in my father
i have never known the pride of knowing i'm your daughter

this brought mum so much heartache
she often just shook her head saying he was not like this before
she made so many excuses for you
ashamed that she could not save you
she lost to mammon
i don't believe you are save-able

thanks to all your "fatherly love" . . . . .

happy fathers day

a bad day does not mean a bad life
small insignificant victories by satan does not mean God is not present
look beyond the cracked window and see the glass is holding
God allows satan small victories to keeps us grounded on our knees
what amazing love, tough love to be correct

satan is a servant of his own ego
he hold no true power
except the power we give him over us
he has accomplished nothing, except a failed coo
we credit him
why do we not credit God alike?

geselsies oor stomende boere troos
kombuis warm gekuier
stemme weerkaats sagkens van mure
my verlore jong meisie dae
as ek maar kon weet
woorde aan die wind
wys en syd versprei
soos die skerwe van my hart
onherroepbaar weg , stof bedek
die inuitputbare gemis
geen ander skaduwee kan begryp
tyd heel niks
jy leer leef in leemte en skerwes
huis met krake en gebreuke
tot als in tuimel
soet versoening
tot dan
siels kreute, hallelujah

stuck in a life i don't want
working a dead end job
surrounded by people i don't trust
hungry status dad
no close bonds
back covered in stab wounds
stuck in a cycle 8-5
day after day no roses, no coffee, just hell
what a mess of an existence
wish someone can give me directions
mum would have known the right action plan

one death, one life
left me defenceless directionless
punishment for unknown great sin
oh God, dad freed to relive youth misled one
. . . .  twice
i never got a change for care free youth
what great sin that cannot receive mercy?

few people are honest enough
to admit the gremlin at the door
clawing at the edge of the door
threatening to escape and reveal the truth
this is the day i dread every year
dad's birthday
easy for others to do the right thing
how to keep showing respect when you get dis-respected regularly
a true test of character
this is the liar my mother fell in love with
that ultimately betrayed her unto death
i wish divorce was possible

love has become a national sport
but what about the rest
the rest who believes in love with all there heart and soul
that believes in the pureness and sacredness of it
they who cherish the innocence of it
people like me

people justify a lot with motivational speaking
in the end the picket fence is littered with nail wholes
each whole resembling a day someone trampled my dreams , unprovoked
in the name of the game

once i dream t of living a quarter mile at a time
conquering land after land
nothing to hold me back just endless fields of dreams
each night i worked the field
my wings knew flight and soared ever higher above trees
when something went wrong the undo button fixed it
life would be continues perfect moments
staring at the white roof colored by my own world
always the same
tragic love poem written in eternity
two people meet over hot coffee
empty cafe, rainy night
casually chatting and laughing
instantly connecting
she sells herself for a moment
desperate to feel love
he buys her moment to hide his own need to lick his wounds
wounded people searching for love struck a deal
she never knew it was her smile that convinced him
no women has ever graced him with that honor
what follows is some time for adjustment, the drama
brutal fighting with his father, the action
she is not spoken for, the ******
eventually he realizes his deep seeded love for her
defend her honor
make babies and raise cattle

a perfect ending

"on grace anatomy a father once said that his daughter always insisted on climbing the highest trees and jump head first of the bridge, and that its his job to catch her."

those words pulled my tight my heart strings into a knot
mom was my safety net, always there, ready to catch me
understanding that i cannot help but to climb the highest and tallest
i cannot help but to head the call of my soul and wander
not lost but hungry for experience and to live
no not achievements
and always knowing instinctively when the wind of change approach
running to meet it open sails never afraid of leaving the harbour
believing that i'm not made for the harbour

after God called my safety net home
i struggled to find my footing, momentarily lost
by the grace and hand of God i found my feet again

Mommy wrote me a letter, a personal letter
To read on her passing, something special just for me
A last us, reminder of her last thoughts about me
Dad stole it and copied it, from my room
Without permission, how dare he!
Now when he wants to control me, he uses mommies last words
And asks did she raise you wrong?, something wring in the sentence
Should it not be did we raise you wrong?
This is how he choose to love me, with guilt filled words he stole
The letter no longer special, it was meant to be
I don’t even have mommies ashes, her sister took care of that
In the end everyone fights over pieces of her
It was not enough when she lived
They have to tare her memory to pieces
Greed the master of my family
Lord help us

Many hours spend romanticized my perfect filled life. Husband, children and successful business. Me stand for honor and love, loyal to the family
Dear oh dear what has become of my splendid day dreams. Covered in dust rarely read anymore

a very nice lady
that greets me with hugs
asked me to prepare a final thought over you
a last summary for as long as forever can last
you have been the subject of s many poems
the pain you cause has been inspiration for many pen paper relationships

i think of the unspoken promise between your heart and mine
of love un-wavered for eternity
to create and keep a safe haven
teaching me to sail rough seas
i'm left holding this promise letter
it will never be fulfilled
it leaves me longing, endless searching for comfort
makes me gullible
that have lead me to the gate of hell more times than i care to remember
you never gave me a home
just emptiness,pain and endless regret
a bitter price to pay for not my actions

the best gift you ever gave me is strength
from taking beating after beating
yes i am an abuse survivor and i am proud of it
i made it this far
crawling and scraping, thanks to god
with him by my side i will keep going

he takes her hand in his
her hand is shivering
desperately he seeks her eyes
stubbornly she refuses to look into his eyes
finally he speaks
low and controlled
my mistress, why do you question your place in my house
yes you are not as beautiful as the others
no you cannot awaken my member as easily as them
yes i buy them expensive clothes and jewelry and not you

my mistress
you never sleep alone
you dine with me the finest each night
i took your last name
your name is written on the family door
a house that does not leak and know no draft
you travel the world with me
i dress you identical to me
each day i comb your hair
we even have identical tattoos
all this to see you smile
my mistress do not question your place in my house

i didn't loose my mind
she stepped
accused me of ******* with fantasy and neglecting reality,and
of zoning out into dream land
she got tired of waiting for me to come around,
and booted me out of her life

so here i am mindless and loving it
opportunity to find my true self in my art
opportunity to make my craft my own
opportunity to brake free from the confine set by the world

the day i was created you signed a covenant before god, to be my father and was accepted as such in the eyes of the community and mine. you knew in your heart you had no intention of fulfilling this covenant. you committed the second most blatant lie of my life. without shame or remorse life in your eyes continued without a blip. you forget unlike any other contract a covenant cannot be void. your responsibility stretch from acceptance to death and beyond.
i am an answer to a prayer, a gift from god and above all i am a child of god. no less and no more.
i wonder when asked what did you do with your gift? what did you do with the kings daughter what will your answer be? will you find justification for your actions?
do not ask me on your deathbed for forgiveness, its a sham. ask me now while your healthy so i can measure the truth in your words
you transgress with ease, Sunday there will be communion. its all fake

finally i have found what i have lost some three plus years back that indestructible bold unpolished teenage spirit that experienced knew things every single day unknowingly challenging the envelope, and it never broke, but molded and bended to all the magic my mind could conjure up. i stood on the cuff of my future and leaped forward not seeing the staircase but through faith and i flew. i made the mistake of coming down because i missed the misinterpreted notion of belonging to a pride. see when an eagle is raised by ground based eagles who believe themselves to be chickens its difficult to comprehend the new found freedom of the sky it is over whelming and i gave it up, unknowingly.
ever since, i could feel the gnawing emptiness in my soul. the wild wanting to fly and never feel the  conforms of society again. i have been busy with chicken for too long. selling my gracefulness on the cheap.

fairy-tales, i blame my UN-satisfaction on fairy-tales
bright fancy color mixed with glitter dust and smiles hiding behind innocence was the perfect idea of exsistance engraved on my child like mind ensuring i will always strive for that level of perfection and when unattained i will turn on myself in viciousness known only by cannibalist

who is to say in this world filled with endless illusion and unrealistic drama that the life i lead is unperfect and not as good as it will ever get

a praying family . . .
only are person decides what to pray about
the usual, a rhyme, well known and nice
covers the basis
but does the listener listens
no, she stopped long time ago
busy with the mice in her head
k nibbling at fantasies, a free world
childhood habit, stills works
my brain remembers
it empty prayers
no conviction

a family that prayers together  . . . to keep the peace
what about peace of mind, soul and spirit
they don't count, unimportant
just peace to the prayer, he is happy
                          feels he did good
                          he kept all inline
                          they know there place

hora, a great head of the family

when emotions got you cornered in the trench
fox wholes shake with each attacks
debris fly
dust choke the air
oh god, outside the sun shines
the birds don't sing afraid if lead
but what a day to die

no battle buddy, eish

for so long i have been fighting this demon that has entangled me in chains so strong it seems unbreakable
it gives just enough release to make me think i am free, laughs sadistic and reigns in the chains
i grab and claw to keep from loosing ground, to no avail
who do i call when my worst enemy is my own body and mind
who can set me free from this prison i call me
most days i'm misinterpreted, it has become so routine, a habit
i also want to move on, move forward, know endless days of joy, not having to carry my buffer in pill form

my heart bleed, my soul cries
someone walking the path i walked but mush worst need help
my cous reaches to his Bro ,but he to held on the past
the weaker one has fallen
oh god help please help
how can you turn your back on a mentally sick person
" i am struggling"
mental illness is a struggling, broke is a breeze
i know, i have seen the monster
we best buddies now, living together, cuddling and stuff
showing him back to the one that is braking him, destroying piece by piece
she doesn't care for him, if she did she would get him help
why am i the only one that sees
the self destruction coming
oh god! protect us
he screams muffled creams for help, no one cares, no one hears

money is not everything
mental health is