Feeling alone inlove
Cant help to wonder
About her
Your real wife
You say i hold your hand
I doubt always
I am the consolation prize
No value as a person
No mind whose opinions to hear
Only pretence to care
Goal is children
No matter what
You belong to another

Cant help but to feel a fool
Used and useless
Not sure how to discard
Too many people
High ecpectations
You created them
Now doubt creeps
You compare me to her
She is young and beautiful
I am old and "not that beautiful"
She is thinly build and desireble
I am chubby and not "smart looking"
She is always at her station
I am sosially akward
She speaks elegantly
I speak my mind
I have curly hair
She is everything i can never be
Why you choose me if you want to re-create her
I'm not worthy as i am
What a cruel reality
Never being enough
Always last choice
Always consilation prize
Who is the lesser devil

why be present
you look at me with disappointment
you don't understand
my reality is killing me
i am desperate to escape
how do i run from me

a simple teddy
dark brown and soft
i squash him to my chest
feel safe
feel loved
feel not alone
you spoke truth
me so spaced out
formulating a sentence to difficult
just remain quite
feel numb
speak not
drift in chemical space
i am not getting worst
i gave up the fight
i joined them

it's to late to die young
to die an unlived life
to die a legend in the making
today i will die an old battle ax
sharp, alive and knowledgeable
battles made the blade strong and sharp
enemies tried, left me alive
knowledge from surviving
an old warrior
how will my family and friends remember me
how will i measure up
will i be worthy of heaven
or thrown into hell
where will my eternal home be?
this scares me more than dieing
this scares me more than living

I have no super powers
No special gift or talent
I am a plain flower
Struggling through the seasons
Yet to bloom
When times get rough
I switch off
I see
I hear
I understand
I feel annoying
I feel socially awkward
I isolate myself
Alone with my demons
Music
Chemicals
My thoughts, no matter how obscure
They are mine, authentic and false
I cuddle my teddy and gold, my cat

My warm body
You cold body
Perfect under blanket
You speak
I brake
Pieces i hold together
Clenching my teddy
Small soft and brown
The saviour of my broken sanity
A beautiful illusion of self
I am fine
I will be fine
Illusion of safety
You ask why i am not happy to see you
You the source of my joy once
Now the source of pain
All an illusion in my head
My voice i make soft and silent
Unsure of reality