I’ve thought about what I would do if I could go back to that moment when I decided I was in love with you. What I would do in that moment if I knew where I’d be a year and a half later. Mostly it depends of the mood I’m in. I hear “Only Love” by Ben Howard play or drive past that school and I wouldn’t change a thing. I would do it all over again. On the other hand, if I go into that gym or go into that movie theatre, I would change everything. You helped me love new things and hate old ones. You hurt me, and for that, I’ll never forgive you. But you also taught me how to love life and not to waste time, and for that, I’m eternally grateful.

I looked upon the town I live
But I saw much more than that.
I saw stories and songs.
I did not see houses, I saw the outline of a book.
You might say I was in the biggest library.
Though I will not get to read every word etched onto their skin,
I am glad I have read the ones I have.

Even though you are not mine to hold, I still place you in my heart. Even though my time with you has come and gone, I would add more hours into the day if that meant I could talk to your soul once more. Even though I know I should move past the past, never forget when I loved you and how I still do. Even though life will pull us in different directions, I hope to keep you in mine. And even though you don’t love me as you once did, I am honored to have seen the stripped down parts of you that I did.

If I had a dollar for every ghost I spotted along the way, I’d have enough gas money for a year. It felt like everywhere I turned, something reminded me of the past. How when something is new, you can’t put it down. You play with it so much until one day, you do something to break it. You got bored, so you wanted to try something new. You knew what you were doing, but the toy didn’t. The ghosts of the path I walked were the owners of the toy. That toy was my heart.

Is it that cashier you didn’t make eye contact with?
Is it that new girl that seems nice but you’ll never know?
Is it that lost love you want back but you’ll never have?
Is it that poor test grade you know should have been better?
Or is it that time you didn’t stand up for yourself?
Is it the feeling of the waves devouring you?
Is it the weight of the universe on your chest?
Is it the feeling of falling down like a tree?
Is it the feeling of the wind chilling your entire body?
Or is it the feeling of a tornado in your mind?
I wish it would leave! Oh, why won’t it leave!?
I wanted to smile at that nice cashier.
I wanted to befriend the new girl.
I wanted to say “I still love you.”
I wanted to study harder for that test.
I wanted to stand up for once!
I want to stand in calm water.
I want to breathe without pain.
I want to stand tall.
I want to feel warm in my skin.
I want to feel peace in my mind for once!
But not today, it says. Not today.

I want to make you forget why you hate the things you do. 
Whether it’s from past memories with ghosts long gone. 
Or if it’s because your dad loved it so and you couldn’t bare it after his hand met your cheek. 
I want to make you forget about why you cry alone at night. 
Or be there to cry with you.
Maybe ruffle your hair, tap your nose, and kiss your lips. 
I want to make you forget about why you don’t like the color yellow. 
How it’s the color of the dress she wore when she broke your heart. 
The same yellow your mother loved when she left this world. 
I want to make you mine. 
Mine like the body I possess. 
Mine like the heart that beats in my chest. 
I want that body, and that heart, to be yours.

Tonight, I sat in the front seat of your car. We were on our way back to camp. The time was just right. The sun was setting. The sky was a pinkish orange. You had the windows down and the air felt just right. As we drove over the lake, you were basically screaming the words to an 80’s song, I giggled to myself and looked at you. I looked back out the window wishing there could be more moments like that one.