Kaiden

Kaiden Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

Kaiden Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

Kaiden Jun 6

Promises

You make promises,
And never keep them.
Making a spontaneous decision to form a bond
Of the promise you'll never keep.

The necklace you used as a proof
That you can keep a few words true,
Now laying in your drawer,
Becoming a simple memory.
The bracelet you still wear on your wrist,
Not having the heart to take it off,
While the promise was broken ages ago,
Leaving it a meaningless piece of material.

The notebooks with poems,
About random people, thoughts, feelings,
Untouched for years,
The letters you knew he'd never recieve.

And the shiny blade,
Slowly being decorated by rust,
Yet you still use it.
You don't know why,
You don't know what it gives you,
But you made a promise.

this one is long af, kinda a vent thing i guess? idk bro i dont care at this point

#promise #suicide

Kaiden Jun 6

Gaslight

Gaslight yourself.
Into thinking you're important,
Happy,
Normal.
That thin line of denial
Being the only thing keeping you alive.
They would miss you if you were gone, wouldn't they?

they would not, and im honestly tired of pretending they would

#suicide #depression

Kaiden Jun 6

Goodbye?

I always dreamed
Of dying in a special way.
People worried,
Mother guilty for what she did,
The awkward school assembly about a dead student.
Someone trying to stop me from ending it all.

Yet now i sit in my room,
Reading the texts from earlier,
The pretty lies, saying it's "just a break".
A break i won't come back from.

i told a few people that were somewhat close to me that i'll have to take a break due to my mental health getting really bad again. honestly, it's starting to look more like a goodbye, i'm sorry.

#suicide

Kaiden May 29

Last rant for now

(again, if this gets taken down it's fine)

So.. Idk if this can be called a rant, im kinda just explaining some stuff. School is really too much rn, im failing literally everything. Then there's some personal stuff, but that's not important cuz that's just mental health stuff. I tried to stay for longer, but i genuinely can't anymore. Because of this, i will be taking a break for a while. I'm fine, really, i just need some time to think about stuff. I know no one cares, but idk it just felt rude to leave without an explanation. Anyway, I'll come back as soon as i can, I'm sorry.

Again, i know no one cares but whatever

Kaiden May 29

The blade

In a box, in the last drawer,
A blade lies.
Feeding off the quiet cries,
Not quitting, even though it tries.

Having an idiot to please,
Because SOMEONE is upset,
Cutting off the bad emotions,
Hatred, longing and regret.

So like... This one feels extremely unfinished BUT I WAS LIKE 12/13 WHEN I WROTE THIS... and i guess it's the pov of the blade once you use it

#selfharm #depression #suicide #blade