I take life and death seriously
I intended to die
I intended to be nothing
I am alive
I am nothing
I am an empty shell
When I gave the grim reaper my word
He took my soul
And when I went back on my word
He kept my soul
I threw myself into the black nothingness of death and sadness
And now purge myself of the horrid remains
From the night I stared death in her comforting face
And was pulled away from her embrace
To say I never wish to return to the bliss that was nothing would be to lie
To say I want to experience what is beyond that nothing would be to lie
I am grim like my good friend
I am scared like those around me
Yet I am different than them
I stared death in her beautiful face
And now see everything in a brand new way

I don't wear bracelets
I don't wear necklaces
Once I wore rings, but decided it wasn't for me
I used to wear earrings
But the night my mom discovered the blood on my legs
She took them out to clean them
And they never went back in
I don't wear jewelry
But I wear scars like I would diamonds and pearls
Draping my chest, where I scratched until I saw red beneath my nails
Tossed upon my thighs and wrists, where I drag a blade every night
Marks like rings on my fingers, from when I decided to break apart a shaver to get to the blades within
If my scars were diamonds, I'd be the richest woman alive
But my scars are ******
And I don't flaunt them like jewelry
I hide them, like you would an invaluable piece of jewelry
When you want nobody to know you possess it

This is my ******* poem
Well, it's not even a poem
This is my message to an ******* that decided my life was worthless
You tore me down
You stripped me of myself
Of the characteristics that defined me
You took away my innocence, my happiness, my compassion, my enthusiasm
You took it all but it wasn't yours to take
Neither is my life. My life is mine
You can try to **** me
Like I tried to **** myself
But you will never take my life from me
You will not get as close to that as you did
I won't let you
Because I realized little by little
In every doctor's chair and with every new pill I take
That you don't define my struggles
You don't deserve that recognition
You deserve fire and brimstone
But I'll settle for the guilt knowing that you almost killed someone who loved you with all her heart
Who let you take her innocence, happiness, compassion, and enthusiasm
I'll let you live with that, and I'll keep living
This is my ******* poem

tell me about the sunshine
tell me about the rain
tell me about the happiness
tell me about the pain

My mind plays you over like a wave building
Breaking
Crashing
Retreating
Then building again
Every time it retreats I imagine it is gone
But then it comes back, the tide is moving closer to my blistered feet
The ceiling fan is still turning
But I turned it off 10 minutes ago
I can never get my room completely dark
The kind of dark that makes you forget
There's always you: the little red light on my powered off television
I can't close the door without it creaking
I can't drink water without coughing
I can't walk without feeling sore
I can't laugh without regret
Or smile without pain
I can't watch the waves
Without breaking, crashing, and retreating

Maybe I'll go for a walk
                                                                                                    no you won't
But it's so nice outside
                                                                                                        who cares?
Then what am I supposed to do?
                                                                                        just go back to sleep
No, I can't it's light outside
                                                                     put blankets over the windows
That's ridiculous
                                                                                                        who cares?
Maybe someone will come over
                                                                                             nobody likes you
But they say they're my friends
                                                                                          they don't like you
But they say they do
                                                                                                          people lie
I should eat something
                                                                                              no you shouldn't
But i haven't eaten yet today
                                                                                                                      so?
I really think I should get out of bed now
                                                                                             what's the point?
It would be good for me
                                                                                           **you don't matter

Sitting cross legged over a fire
The consensual burning and volunteered pain
The flames whip up and tickle my ears
With them come the whisper whisper whisper
Of my thoughts and fears
Telling me I'm worthless
That I deserve to feel this burn
I place my hand on the hot coals
I throw them in the air like confetti
And my aspirations
The ashes my sanity
The bright light the only hope left