All my life
I’ve wished
And hoped
Waited
And prayed
For a love
So true, to
Come to me

But yet
Somehow
More love
Than I could
Ever
Wish for, hope for
Pray for was
Sitting there
All along
Purring away
Contentedly
In my lap

Though I was too
Blind
To see it
Until it was
Gone

Maybe I just
Don’t want to
Remember
The light in your
Eyes
The quirk of your
Smile
The soft, rolling
Lilt
Of your voice

Maybe it’s better
This way
To forget
Let it fade
Like ink on paper
Worn with time
Illegible
And decayed

Maybe I’ll let myself
Float on away
Gentle and drifting
Far from those
Thoughts
Those old aging
Dreams
Withered and worn
At the edges

Maybe someday
I will find
Somewhat strangely
That all of those
Feelings
That once were so
Vibrant
Have lost all their
Color, their light
Once so shining

While all that is
Left
Of this once so true
Love
Are the dust covered
Maybes, now
Locked in a box
Tucked away in the
Darkest of corners
Deep down in my
Heart

The truth is,
Even if he feels
The same
As I feel
For him
This is his
Choice
To make

And all the
Feelings
In the world
Can’t change
His decision

I try not to
Can’t help it
My eyes are drawn
Like magnets
To yours
Do you see me?
Were you watching?
No
You look away
Speaking to someone
I drag my eyes down
Shuffling papers
Before me
But then
Looking up
I catch it
A look
A smile, soft and sweet
Your eyes
Warm and gentle
You turn your face
Away
But your lips
Still curve
Your cheeks tinged pink
Were you looking
At me?
In your eyes
Did I see
Could that possibly be
Your love?

I sometimes wish
The earth was
Flat
So that I could
Walk
Straight to the edge
Then jump off

Would gravity
Pull me back?
Or let me
Float?

If it’s anything like my
Heart
It will not allow
My feet
Ever to leave
The ground

My words, they rise
From deepest soil
From pathways strewn
With rock and fire

My words, they fly
On shifting winds
Through tempests born
Of breath and sky

My words, they float
On gentle waves
Through waters deep
They dive below

My words, they ring
With songs of joy
With sunlight dancing
On their wing

My words, they creep
Like rolling fog
In whispers soft
Their secrets sleep

My words, they grow
From jagged heart
With softened edge
They bloom in snow

My words, they reach
A hand toward you
My heart, they hold
My truth, they speak

As you let go of
My hand
I felt myself
Fall
Dropping, tumbling
Through the air
Reaching out, grasping at
Hands, but
Each one, again and
Again
Let me go

At times I found
Something
To hold onto
And I held, and
Held
With all my might
Hoping,
Praying it would
Lift me up, but
At last
My arms grew so
Weary, I could
No longer
Hold on

Freefalling
Soaring
Arms outstretched
Until
One day, I
Realized
I was no longer
Falling, but
Flying

My heart became
So full,
I could no longer
Carry it
On my own, but
When I asked
For your help,
You turned away.
So I set it down, and
Unburdened, walked on alone.

The world unfolded
Before me, stretching
Out into infinity
A burst of color
An explosion of light
Expanding, unfurling
Billowing up like smoke
Reaching out tendrils
Towards me, slithering
Twisting around me
Like unruly vines
I stood still in wonder
Unsure and afraid
As the heavens descended
Shimmering, iridescent
Blindingly beautiful
A swirling cloud of
Divine light
Envelops me slowly
The ground falls away
Feet resting on sunshine
Eyes burning with love
I awake to the newness
Of self fully realized
Heart wide open
Growing roots in the earth
Deep in the sense
Of knowing

Crashing, suddenly
Into the waves
My body, it floats
Then falls, sinking
Down, I feel
The water, cool
A caress, gliding over
My skin
Looking up
Light sparkles
Above me
Then fades
Darker
Deeper I go
Until all that is left
Faint, distant
A glimmer, to illuminate
The gloom, shadows
Surround me
Dancing and shifting
Sliding in closer
They reach for me
Stretching
Inky tentacles grasping
Trailing patterns of
Ice
Where they graze
My skin
Curling around me
They’re pulling me under
Slowly, further
Into the darkness
I open my mouth
To scream, to call
For someone, something
But silence
It chokes me
Filling my lungs
Seeping into my body
Weighing me down
I sink, gasping
For truth, needing
To speak, I claw
At the space
Surrounding me, empty
The weight of my
Burden
Dragging me
Down
Down, deeper
Into despair
The light, the glimmer
Of hope
Slowly fading
Away

Tick, tick, tick
The secondhand creeps on by
Echoing loudly
In the empty room

I cover my ears
Sighing, shifting
Uncomfortable
In my own skin

Waiting, always
Be patient, the words
Repeat like a mantra
In my head

Staring at the ceiling
Eyes wandering
Roaming, following
The cracks in the paint

Drifting, my mind
Turns in a circle
Avoiding the thought
At the center

Dancing around it
Twisting and twirling
Like fire, it draws me
Like fire, it burns

Energy building
Still waiting, unmoving
Pushed to the edge
Yet unable to jump

Soon, the voice whispers
Soon, the years pass
In stillness, enveloped
By silence

Screaming, inside
My voice tells you nothing
I open my mouth
And make not a sound

Watching, impatient
I claw at the windows
Caked over with dust
No one sees me inside

Patience, it preaches
The voice in the silence
Good things are coming
To those who will wait

Finally bursting
The fire consumes me
I tear at the lock
As I break through the door

Sunlight, blue sky
Wind through the trees
I step onto the grass
Then I see it, my prize

Golden and shimmering
Perfect and blissful
The heart of my heart
My only desire

Stretching, I reach out
My fingertips brushing
Against it, a moment
Then grasp only air


Ashes, they fall
Down gently they float
To my feet, all that’s left
Of my prize

Then comes the voice
From the stillness behind me
If only you’d waited, it says
In its infinite patience

For just one more day

I built my wall
Brick by brick
Fortified
With apathy
Deflection
A calculated
Nonchalance
Guarding always
This sensitive
Quivering, helpless
Beating *****
In my chest
While there
Behind the fortress
The stone and mortar
Beneath the armor
Of iron and steel
I wait in silence
Breath suspended
Frozen in terror
Of intrusion
Attack
Conquest
Huddled in my corner
Behind those walls
I hid, secure
Safe, protected
Or so I believed
But there, so small
Almost invisible
A crack, a *****
A weakened spot
You saw, you slid
Right through the gap
So smoothly
Quick
In the dead of night
Before I had
Even the chance
To sound the alarm
There you were
Inside
My heart

The sky is a painting
Unreal and too beautiful
Yet above me, it hangs
Just the same

Shades of bright blue
Cerulean, turquoise
Peeking out between
Streaks of pure white

Grey forms hover
Overhead, shifting
Moving on waves
Of wind

The ocean below
Follows restlessly behind
Churning and crashing
Against the shore

While on the horizon
Farther away
Bursts of yellow and pink
Tinge the mountains of cloud

The wind teases
My unyielding skin
Dull and solid
I send forth a wish

For the sun to illuminate
The cool breeze to penetrate
The cells of my body
Absorbing me

Into the sky

Take it away
This living, breathing
Alien in my chest
It is not home
Does not belong
Just cut me open
And pull it out

I feel it
Growing
Stretching and clawing
At the walls
Of its prison
Trapped
Just the same
As me

I can’t get away
Lock the doors
Close my eyes
Cover my ears
Hiding from phantoms
But the danger lurks
Within

My love stirs my hatred
I want but can’t have
Desires, once bright
Possible
Attainable
Now become
Forbidden

The door slams
The bar is drawn
Locking me out
Or maybe
Locking me
In
This misery
Of my own
Creation

Driving through the night
Windows up
Speakers blasting
Throat raw from the strain of
Singing my feelings
Away

Tears flood my vision
Street lights blurred
Tires crawling
Through darkened streets as
Cars rush past, to leave me
Behind

Cutting the engine
Ears filled with silence
Door opens, stumbling
Taking night air into
My lungs like
A blessing

Bared feet sinking
Into cold sand
Surrounded by sound
Roaring, incessant
Foaming waves battering
The shore

Wind howling and twisting
Through untamed hair
Sand coating my skin like
Stardust, mouth open
Tasting the salty
Air

A glow, bold and piercing
Hangs in the sky
The full moon a beacon
Beckoning, below it
Shimmering, a path
Of light

Staggering toward moonbeams
Toes carving wet sand
Water rushing, enveloping
Ankles, washing
Away the evidence of
My existence

Waves tugging, insistent
My body obeys
Submerging, floating
Cold numbing the skin
Heart warmed by the ocean’s
Embrace

Letting go, body resting
Currents drawing me far out
To sea, bathed in moonlight
Lips curved in a smile
Slow breathing, finally
At peace

It’s the eyes, I know
That are drawing me in
Pale amber jewels held
Up to the sun
Light, not reflecting
But radiating
From somewhere deep
Within

My own eyes trail
Downwards, traveling
The contours
The angles and curves of
Your face
My fingertips twitching
Longing to feel
For themselves, the contrast
Of rough stubble
On smooth skin

You smile
Lips stretching
Cheeks curving
Teeth flashing
Melting me
Down
Into a puddle of
Longing, at your feet

Your voice, so
Soothing, so steady
Like strong arms
Wrapping around
My body
I lean into the
Embrace
Of your words

My face grows hot
My eyes flitting away
Afraid
They’ll show you
The truth
Taking a breath, I speak
To the floor
But you answer me
Just the same

I look without looking
My eyes sliding
Sideways
To watch as you walk
Away, graceful
You stride, rhythm
In your steps
I sigh, hoping nobody
Sees

I want you
So badly
I ache
For your touch
The words burst
Through my chest
Getting caught
In my throat
As I bite on my
Tongue, so hard
That it bleeds
While I silently turn
Away

A restless burning
Like acid, eats
Away at my soul
Sizzling, disintegrating
Bits and parts
Of my self, fading
At the edges

I wait, watching
Poised in the center
Of the madness
As the walls
Close in

The air growing thick
Choking me, the smoke
Suffocates, I gasp
Reflexively, but no
I won’t struggle
No
I won’t resist

With arms open
I wait
Let it come
Let the fire
Consume me