twenty something

It's funny how years and years go by
in a place
where pain once burrowed
so intently
at that time
when it had nothing else to do
but torture my limbs
and make heavy my knees
i remember hating my feet
for weeks I didn't speak
defeat
that swelled my eyes
I was a baby
and you were mine
and I chased you
like a dog
I was always a dog
I followed you to the end of your smile
and kissed it so many times
more than I'd ever kissed anyone
still to this day
I praise you
much differently than then
of course
we are both women now
we still share the same friends
but you're never around when I'm with them
I get this, it's different
and I don't even mean to think about it
I just remember growing
and you were always around
and I always chased you
I think I still chase you
and I know i'm still growing
I've just always needed to say thank you for that

I have a love
I've grown to know
this love it is the best
it kisses all my fingers
it lays atop my chest
I have a love
that's sensitive
this love
swallows the rest
because this love
is not obsessed
it  leaves me un-repressed
I have a love
I'll say again
this love is like a pen
it writes to me
incessantly
& so
I
let
it
in

I remember first your sentences
I remember next your voice
I remember all the time you took
I remember all your books
what does it mean right now
to remember everything
when I'm breaking you in half
like you don't mean anything
that's not a fact at all
you see
I love you everyday
I miss you every second
there's just something in the way
my brain I feel is killing me
I'll hate myself tomorrow
I ****** up all the things I love
like knives it feels i've swallowed
day by day I take this
and day by day you cry
I need to level out this strife
I hear you begging me to try
I lay down by myself at night
at night is when I die
cause every second that I take
is one i've let go by
I fear my own indignance
and this guilt builds homes inside me
like i'm living for myself
but now this time it feels like dying
I cannot live inside a lie
too hard for me to swallow
I pray everyday
that I can better my tomorrow
I hope that when you read this
it does not make you sad
I hope that all your days are full
of hope for what you have
this life we live is all too short
we're all under it's spell
the moon, she tells me every night
to live a life un-dwelled
I try to remember this when the sun is
blaring light
and she is also telling me
there's no life without a fight

Intuition of a witch
Is not one for weak bones
You see our glitches make you twitch
It's now our bones you call home
I see everything
And anything
You're trying to explore
You're walking through a tunnel
and suddenly see a door
Twisting at its ****
Has you stopping in your tracks
You see now how I've got you
Turned from your own path?
We witches get these itches
That turn our chests to metal
That we specifically build into cages
for hearts to sleep and settle

I've constantly been floating
my body is a boat
& i can't see which way i'm going
no one wants to climb inside
these lonely oars
they aren't rowing
but these waves
pull me away
from the shores
i call my home
the water's cold
and without knowing
there's a hole
inside my sole
there's a flood inside my stowage
and i'm sinking rather slowly
I know not of where i'll go
now that i am no longer floating
at least i know
that fish have hope
for boats with holes
to build a home in

I'm straddling the fence
but at least i have some choices
see
if i fall on either side
i'll still be making noise
wondering
which side might destroy me
this side has some grass
i think i'll start exploring
I start losing my grasp
I think I've started thinking
a little bit too much
I hop over the left side
and land face first in mud

I feel unleashed
like an animal
ready to sink my teeth
instinctively tearing your meat
& my eyes
focused only on the prize
exposed  b o n e s
and my nose runs with your blood
drowning my decency
cause
s e c r e t l y
the  frequency of your scream
clearly releases me
this sequence of release
greedily pleases me
i'm licking you clean
thinking how
eating never came so easily