you don't exist when
my eyes are open
you don't exist when
my blood's not poisoned
when my soul's at peace
when my gut is full
and when I'm in company

So you exist most of the time
dear muse

A year ago, I was begging for him to love me, to remember the love he held for me.
That I was finally done figuring myself out after I repeatedly told him that it was time I desperately needed.
God did I love him so much, so much that it still hurts thinking about it.
I would have done anything for him, ignored everyone if that’s what he wanted.
I would’ve moved mountains for him, I would’ve lost myself entirely if it meant that I got to be with him.
He never wanted that for me, he wanted me to be whole and my own person, he wanted me to love myself first.
I didn’t understand it at first.
I was angry and heartbroken that he didn’t want me to love and put him first.
It was then, after it ******* near destroyed me when I realized what he meant.
He wants me to happy, to take care of myself and my son.
He wants only the best for me and that’s when I realize that he will always love me, from afar.
We will most likely never be together again but he still hopes and wishes that I will be okay no matter what.
We don’t talk anymore but all I can hope is that he is doing okay and that he will find himself the way I have.
That he will never have to wonder if I still hold love for him in my heart because I will always.
He’s been my safety blanket in a time of need and I hope that if this ever comes across him one day, that I will gladly be his safety blanket.
Thank you, thank you Nelson, for the nurturing care you’ve given me even if I didn’t want it at times.
I will always love you, after all, you’ll always be my first true love.

A year had already passed by, twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred sixty five days since your soul had left this earth. Since you took your last breath, since the pain of breathing for those who loved you started.
There’s no rewind button to take us back to a time where you were alive, I just want everyone to be alright.
The memories and the pain remains but the sound of your voice and laugh fade.
We miss you.
You left an empty void that aches every time we remember that you’re not here anymore.
I see the darkness in their eyes, I see the pain and anger, anger for not being there, anger for not being able to say what they wanted, pain for wishing that they could just have one more conversation with you, pain for wanting to feel your touch once more.
Are you there?
Whenever we feel alone, we’re not alone because you’re sitting right next to us?
When our heads are hanging and our tears are falling do you put your hand on our shoulders?
Are you at peace?
Although you’re gone, you’ve left your mark on this earth forever.
You’re no longer in pain.
Thank you, for giving our family a sister, a cousin, a mother, a daughter, a niece, and a grandmother for a little while longer.
Thank you for always be there.
02.13.18 ♡