A poem. Is like a naked person. We are all constantly searching. For hope, for truth , for love, for a home.  When darkness falls on us we try to deal with it in various ways, we retreat in, we let it all out, we get angry, we get content, we accept (well at least try to), we try to mask the pain, we try to share that pain with someone (for perspective I think). We cry, we laugh, we consider every possible solution to escape this maze. This maze that is never ending, this maze that keeps on pressing, smothering, choking, this maze that you can't solve because you can't see. All these things I have felt, and all these paths I have tried to take and the end was never in sight. I lashed out, I ignored, I stopped caring, I wanted to hurt everyone, just like I have been hurt. I wanted to destroy something beautiful, to destroy the last beautiful things in my life.  Only one person has come close to see my pain and it is her that I tried to hurt the most, I would only realized now that she is the most beautiful thing in my life. Not physically but spiritually (If I can even use that word). She is the one that made me write again, well at least to write this. Without asking or ordering, without pushing or pulling. She let me be me, and put up with me and never stopped believing in me. I would like to call her my soul mate, but the connotation to that term will keep me from using it. Lets not get off topic. This is about my "salvation". Haha, not like that. My intelligence would never allow it to be that. For four months I was drowning, I knew why, my dad, of course that is, was, whatever is the reason. I have known this from the start, that’s not the problem. The problem was that I could not deal with it. Like I have said I have indeed tried. How should you deal with it? How can you? How can someone see what I have and felt what I have without killing themselves. I know people have gone through much more, but for me this was new. I thought I knew what pain was. With my mom's passing. I dealt with it, I went through the pain and I came to acceptance. The one thing that escaped my mind was, that I had help then, I was not alone. I was in love, very much in love, for the first time in my life. That more than dulled the pain. This time I had nothing to dull the pain. The clean, cruel reality hit me. Like a brick. I still needed to move on, still needed to go back to work, to my reality (even after a month's break) . Nobody seemed to care, everyone was scared and almost no one made me uncomfortable with awkward questions, questions of how I was doing, how I felt. The classic "Are you doing ok?" was uttered to me and "If you need to talk I'll be there". What a joke. How can you look into my almost teary eyes and can't see that I'm dying inside. It's a nicety I know, a polite gesture, I would do the same to them I know so no use getting too offended by it. But definitely an eye opener to me. In the words of Ambrose Pierce "FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul." so true, and these words echoed it their words. I had to get back to work, go on. My work actually didn't suffer but thrived with me in this state. I had to bury myself in the thing that I knew and did the most. My type of work likes depression. Like an artist. I am an artist. Some sort of logical artist who creates things out of abstract concepts by using logical words that no one can understand.  Lets get to my job. It ***** in a way, cause it has little real meaning in the universe. My work keeps the mine running from a legal perspective and will keep people out of jail when **** hits the fan. I'm protecting people, who have no sense, from destroying themselves. I would love to say that I put my heart and my "soul into my work, but no, I only put my mind into my efforts. Most of these people are just numbers to me. All these concepts are just primary keys in a database. Enough about work, makes me serious even writing abstract concepts of it. My personal life. Haha what a joke. If only it was a joke. To say it plainly, I'm alone. I have no one to have long philosophical conversations with, no one to hold me and comfort me, no one who understands and who has time to try. Mostly I sit by myself and contemplate my existence and trying to find answers. In music, books, shows, movies. I try to feel what others do, to understand my own emotions. I have found that I can feel these emotions just fine, but that it id not real (Since its not my own). But I have healed actually. After all these dark words I am actually doing good, and getting better. Day by day. Next year I will follow my long time dream. I will begin to write my book : "The Human Algorithm" It will be a super long journey of at least 10-20 years but I will begin this dream. A thing that no one is crazy enough to attempt and those who are, are too scared of its results. I am out of the darkness. This doesn't mean there is no darkness left inside me (Cause there will always be). This means I am ready to move on, and to change (which I already have).  I'm ready for you life. And you should be very afraid.

For Z.