my makeup looks different when I cry, and I don't know who you are anymore. I've pulled out my hair far too many times to actually be in love with you. I hope you drown yourself in alcohol that tastes like how we used to be. all of my friends have cut their hair, and they don't sing songs from the radio. I've changed what I order from menus that were routine for years. sometimes I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. maybe it's because now I can see through my eyes. not in the way that they're faded or foggy or finally dry from all of the tears. I see myself, a person who goes outside when she feels like she can and reads books until the dog-eared pages are lined up like soldiers. so I hope you remember how I used to be. days of poking and prodding at body parts I wish I didn't have are over. please remember how you fed off of my sadness and took it from me. you did not break my heart to make me sad, you tore it from my chest and handed it back to me so I could brush it off and start over again. thank you for giving me back my heart, I never wanted it to belong to you. but I'm sorry that my sadness soaked through your fingertips and into your blood veins. I can't smile without thinking that you may be crying into your palms without any reason. please remember who I used to be, that is you now. I hope you drown yourself in alcohol that tastes like your tears, maybe you'll feel sick. but maybe you'll be too hungover (on me) to notice.