my makeup looks different when I cry, and I don't know who you are anymore. I've pulled out my hair far too many times to actually be in love with you. I hope you drown yourself in alcohol that tastes like how we used to be. all of my friends have cut their hair, and they don't sing songs from the radio. I've changed what I order from menus that were routine for years. sometimes I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. maybe it's because now I can see through my eyes. not in the way that they're faded or foggy or finally dry from all of the tears. I see myself, a person who goes outside when she feels like she can and reads books until the dog-eared pages are lined up like soldiers. so I hope you remember how I used to be. days of poking and prodding at body parts I wish I didn't have are over. please remember how you fed off of my sadness and took it from me. you did not break my heart to make me sad, you tore it from my chest and handed it back to me so I could brush it off and start over again. thank you for giving me back my heart, I never wanted it to belong to you. but I'm sorry that my sadness soaked through your fingertips and into your blood veins. I can't smile without thinking that you may be crying into your palms without any reason. please remember who I used to be, that is you now. I hope you drown yourself in alcohol that tastes like your tears, maybe you'll feel sick. but maybe you'll be too hungover (on me) to notice.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

sometimes people move away
move on
move forward, backward, side to side
some people just move in place
the heartbeat of being in love with a person is different than that of falling in love with their heart
ever notice how people say your name?
probably just based on the emotion they feel towards the syllables of your great unknown
self-medicating themselves to the touch of your skin
kissing someone with so much passion that the tips of their noses go completely numb
spin a globe and watch it land on the location of your beloved
a lightbulb of everlasting amazement
the continuation of someone with OCD
constantly unbuttoning and redoing their jacket
being a stranger in your own mind
moving sideways in time
the dimensions that you create all on your own
something complex and with strong opinion
a place that you reside but do not wish to
a setting of great intelligent wisdom and sometimes also fortune
your mind
where you can't ever move from