You broke me.
and you had me convinced
that the only way to piece me together
was by the glue
crafted by your empty compliments
and counterfeit love.

Where did i learn that you can heal a **** with a knife?

Probably where I learned that if something sounds true, it is.

The song named after you lulled me to a peaceful sleep.
My ears unfailingly grasped
the soothing rhythm,
the reassuring beat,
and the promising harmony;
but disregarded the ominous lyrics.
I shouldn't have been surprised when i woke,
******* by the rope of your unfulfilled promises,
silenced by duct tape with the words "I didn't want to hurt you" written across it in washable ink,
and with a gun I had given to you for your protection aimed at my head.

I wish you would just shoot me with that gun already
It would hurt less than waiting
But you wont
You keep me at the perfect distance
to where you're comfortable
and I'm falling apart.

At first it hurt like the waves.
the crashing, overbearing waves
that were shaped something like your lips
when you said you needed time.

But now it hurts like a splinter.
the kind that you don't realize you have
until you return home from the wooden playground
and the excitement-induced adrenaline fades
and you realize what seemed like harmless satisfaction
sneakily left you with a burdensome wound.

the kind of splinter that you try to remove
and realize it hurts less to just let it sit there.
even though everyone says that
"if you just get past the pain of removing it, you'll be completely relieved."
all you can feel is the pain of the extraction
so you decide to do nothing
and let the lesser pain stay.

I feel like I'm talking to a child when you refuse to tell me things
"Please baby, use your words. I cant help if you dont speak."

You say you dont believe in love
but i know that thats a lie
you're just so scared of what it can do
when it creeps into your life

when problems come,
you always just turn you head around.
You run away from things that scare you
and claim they cant be found.

Its not my fault that you cant love
Its not my fault you're damaged
I wish i had listened when you told me
that your disbelief cant be managed...

I wish i could take back all the nights
that i cried in your backseat
searching for all the words i couldn't find
to make you fall in love with me.
"Just because you havent seen it doesnt mean it isnt real."
i said while looking intently for words to say
like you had a sickness words could heal.

but words cant heal,
and love cant reach
a heart that doesn't believe.

you're not here
you're not gone
haven't let go
but you aren't holding on

tell me to leave
then pull me in close
and whisper real quiet
that you don't want me to go

say it wont work
then text me at midnight
"baby i miss you.
can i see you tonight?"

don't want to be with me
but don't want me with someone else
tell me i'm free
but want me all to yourself

i guess that's the problem
with me and with you
we know exactly what we want
but won't admit that we do

Pens scattered with lack of ink
paper torn, its hard to think

mind so scattered, heart so torn
my clothes are ***** and my shoes are worn

ive lost so much in this deadly fight
against no one but me, myself, and i.

like my focus on the things i love
the meaning behind warm human touch
my strength, my sight, my will to live
the nervousness before a kiss
my vision
my dreams
how it feels to spread my wings
and ride the wind without a care
because though i didnt know where i was going
i knew God was taking me there

this clock keeps ticking, driving me mad
my head keeps spinning as the seconds pass

with each new second
i recall another mistake from my past
i want to use all my strength left
to break this **** glass

bc the ******* the other side of this mirror
looks much too unfamiliar.

They say to look inside yourself
to find out where to start
but its all empty
except some tired lungs, a drowned-in-liquor liver
and a shattered heart.

ive got nothing left to give
i gave it all away
to all the things that promised
to take away the pain

tried to find myself
in the bottom of those bottles
and the pills that i would swallow
and all the smoke that left my eyes red
lungs gray
and mind hollow

i lost myself in the journey to find me

i guess sometimes we have to learn who were not
before we figure out who we are

i learned that i cant find myself in the things that destroy me,
but rather in the things that build who i am

like the worn pages of my old bible
the words of the songs that make me smile
like the hands of a loved one who never let go
in the spaces between their fingers, where i place my own
like the song of the birds, soaring through the sky
promising i will get new wings

and again i will fly

your voice when you tell me you love me
drowns out every negative word
from my past loves that haunt me

your fingers when you touch me
heal every wound that my past loves
have inflicted upon me

the truth in your eyes when you look into mine
rekindles my trust that was nowhere to find
after all my past loves
and all their careful lies

my heart didnt trust someone's hands
to piece me together
when all I've ever been is torn apart.

but your
truth
and sincerity
and patience
and your love
has breathed life into my once tired, broken, heart.

i want to apologize to myself
for tricking my mind
into thinking that if you left
it was no one's fault but mine.

i want to tell my heart sorry
for telling it lies
saying i'm not me without you
like morning without sunrise.

i want to promise my body
it was beautiful before
you told me it was
and it will be forevermore

i want to open my eyes
i want to make myself see
i don't need anyone
and no one needs me

i want to wipe the tears from my cheeks
that contain hopeless unrest
'cause your touch isn't the only thing
that will feel so intense

i want to silence my lips
that still scream your name
because without your lips on them
they'll still be the same

i am still me
my heart still beats
my body's still beautiful
and my lips are still sweet

i have no reason to cry
from my now-open eyes
'cause even when you're gone
they still shine bright

with you here, with you gone
who i am remains the same
although your arms are my favorite place
if you let go, i'll be okay.

Kiss me the way the sun softly kisses exposed skin in southern California.

Touch me the way the waves passionately touch the shore.

Whisper in my ear the way wind whispers through bare trees in the winter.



Love me the way I've been scared to love

Night is the time that i pour my tears into pencil-written words to fill the desperate emptiness in me that you fail to .

I thought i would miss you more

but then i realized just how much you weighed me down, and just how much fun flying was

and letting you go became the easiest thing to do.

Dont tell me you want me
if im not what you want
and dont tell me youre ready
if youre not

Dont call me baby
if  you dont want me to fall
and dont tell me you love me
if your intentions are wrong

Dont ask me to dance
if you wont hold me tight
and dont tell me you want this
if it doesnt feel right

baby, just dont lie to me
i can handle the truth
so dont grab my hand
if you dont want me to want you

please,
just dont tell me you want me
if im not what you want.

Tell me how to fix things
tell me what to do
cause all that i feel good at
is disappointing you

what words must i say
what rules must i break
what prayers should i pray
to make you want to stay