Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
John Bartholomew Nov 2022
Another world
A place of escape
Not a second home but a place to start alone
Afresh
Astute
Atoned
Not a Government without a clue on wages or money
And not a grey suited Etonion laughing at those without their humour thinking its funny
No;
A new you, a new home, a new bloom
Watch us rise now given the elbow room
Shuffling towards a brand new boom
Imagination isn't just a crazy thought
It's putting together what we have learnt
What we've tripped through
What we've been taught
So let's imagine a better you
Carry on that thought on what we can do
And hold on to that future that really can be true
Don't stop,
Imagine,
Be you.

JJB
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
It's a different way of life being big
I don't mean eating until I want to be sick
I mean my height, my clothes, still as tall as you when I sit
Not being able to buy the shirt I want because they all say Slim-fit

That pair of jeans I want but not your off the shelf clobber
My wife looks high and low bless her, as nothing will stop her
A pair of shoes to fit in with the latest fashions
No size 13 sir, you'll have to look online, that's where they usually stash them

I fly to America where they know how to treat me right
Trying on a Medium shirt, hell, its not even very tight
The only thing is their taste in shoes here
I'll order online as I wash it down with a beer

Even getting in a car can be a pain with a certain model
Head space, leg room, come on Mini, us lads want this at a doddle
And what is it the smaller woman that finds you such a pull
Hell, I'm not complaining, look after me and wrap me in wool

For I'm not violent in any which way at all
But get a man who thinks he's big and you'll get it with a bar room stool
Little man syndrome is our worst curse of them all
There is always one you thinks he's hard so has to act like the fool

But I like being a big bloke as you gain a respect for no reason at all
Some look up to you because your big and rather tall
But at the end of the day were just the same as me and you
Finding it hard in everyday life, and a love that is oh so true

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2018
We all know him, that bloke down the pub
done everything before you but always wants a sub
thinks he knows his football as was at the final back in 81
Ricky Villa scored that goal, 3 touches on the spin, just for a bit of fun

He’s been to every destination that you can only dream
survived gunshot wounds, not a bother, he even ruptured his spleen
pulled a couple of Page 3 girls at the back of Stringfellows club
before it was a crime in the daily rag for these models to pose in the nud

He’s worked all the jobs that you could list on one arm
been married, twice divorced, it’s hard to live life with these bragging charms
Tattoos of past grievances, some he would rather forget
ex-wife’s down to girlfriends, all for a stupid bet

Now the end of the bar is a space well occupied by him
dole money and on the ponse, breaking all of Gods deadly sins
avoid at your peril these creatures of sponge and leech
just wanting a life of ease and comfort, for some, humanity we cannot teach

Lend them nothing and discredit their tales from a life now well past
all lies of inscrutability, from a net well and truly cast
for this is a story told from a man whose race has already been run
as he is that man we all need to avoid
for he is
blagger
number
one

JJB
John Bartholomew Jun 2021
When did we lose it
That pow
That zip
That zap
That day mid-thirties you look in the mirror
And you've become a little bit fat
That get up-and-go
Now you've become slow
Watching life mould and your toenails grow
Your friends become distant
As you wonder of their existance
Followed on Facebook for their stories of fiction
It really is sad
Was our friendship just a fad
As we drift into the old and once had
Does life become a trot
Knowing the cold from the hot
And where in life is our best spot
Or is it a a case of embrassing lifes span
You done your best and all that you can
It's not me man
You just became all boring, man

JJB
John Bartholomew Nov 2019
Sometimes empty
Sometimes full
Depends what its been used for by this downright fool
If it's Pepsi, Fanta or an orange from his own *****
He never thought it's be a place to empty his fragile groin
As a bladder with what has a mind of its own
The inevitable can happen with your mind that's now blown
As the first time its a shock and you cant believe whats happened
But be prepared sonny as you cant let things slacken
Pull up behind the biggest tree
A feeling of oncoming dread that cannot happen to me
You search all the nearest windows as no spectators here
Unzip, todger out, catheter into that empty container
This ain't the way the nurses said, hygiene, germs, ***** hands
They'd cry if they saw this is the way they trained you
Thank God for that fizzy drink, that thing you drop with hand controls, driving at full throttle
For we never learn, quick, pass the drink, as I swigg out of that said bottle

JJB
A time of life where the minutes just stop
Adjusted to a newly set clock
Counting down the people you once loved
Deleting the ones you've smoked to their stub
Social media has served its cause
And to those I used, you have my applause
But let's just call it a day and extract your cries
For you've had your time and keyboard sighs
I quit
My last goodbye
Adios
Sayonara
Breaking All Ties

JJB
John Bartholomew Jun 2020
We all breathe
Yet sometimes heave
Let out a sigh
Followed with a cry
It makes us live from lungs to bellows
How God made man from the dice that he throws
Instinct with nature,
Something that we never have to remember

And,

Breathe

JJB
John Bartholomew Nov 2017
Cast your mind back to 1973
If you wasn't there then you’re in the same boat as me
But Great Britain joined the EEC to make this land a force
So what had we been doing wrong beforehand to lead us on this course

We'd sailed this planet and conquered nations to show them of our pride
The smallest country in the mix of many, no one shoves us to one side
Spaniards tried and failed so bad who else wants to have a go
The Germans twice so anyone else, your dice in the ring, come on and give them a throw

But tactics have changed and evolved with the times, political is our new hurdle
Tony opened the gates and the waves came in, Blair’s fault or now Mrs Merkel?

No matter how you did vote it was a shock to us all that we now set sail on this boat we've named Britannia
29th of March, 2019, we raise anchor and set sail into a gulf of unknown venture

But British spirit much prevail as it always has if it still lingers to blow gust in these new sails
******* towards Brussels, out on our own, with this we cannot fail

We’ve done it before and we can do it again it just depends who might follow
Only time will tell if it was the choice to make or may have to beg steal and borrow


JJB
John Bartholomew Jan 2023
Bridges are a rule of life
As we cross one everyday
Most of them are invisible
Some subtle
But stepped over without having to pay
They link us
They heard us
Moving us all in different ways
Then some are left broken
A day we left unspoken
Kindred in leaving it at bay
Some still have a troll sat waiting to pounce
A discrepancy
Some monstrosity
That carries a debt weighing more than an ounce
Yet most have a stream that gently runs beneath
No burden
No guilt
Just a subtle flow, falling like a browned autumn leaf 🍂

JJB
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
When your heart is black and broken
And its weeks since we have spoken
I'm hoping it's not been sixteen years wasted in time
When there have been others waiting in line
For love is a one off thing
Not bound by words and a settlement ring
But by hope and a life we could be doing
Instead sat at the window,wondering,with a piece of gum
Just endlessly chewing

JJB
Some are broke and some just crumble
A heated row from a misheard mumble
Fall from grace that fell into a stumble
Kissed the wrong sort that led to that fumble

Let's rebuild this bridge and let our waters again ripple
A bottle of plonk, possibly a Pinot Grigio
As differences can be rebuilt after a chat and a tipple

See, that's how bridges often burn
So let's get it out in the open,
and give at another turn

Broken Bridges

JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2023
Ripped from stem, like we had no life at all
Our petals just in bloom, now never to be seen fall
Yellow, red, or blue
It's life as true as you
Giving pollen to be carried out by the bees
To impregnate the hay-fever sufferer along with the trees
Just a passing phase once summer has gone by
To be planted in the shade by novices who do but try
But we regrow, we divert, we regain new powers
So never underestimate the strength we have,
us,
Broken Flowers

JJB

💐
John Bartholomew Mar 2021
You are not a song forgotten
Thrown onto the back downtrodden
Recorded to just fill that gap
Written after I'd had my nap
For the best of girls they always hide
Like a discovered song you only knew
On that sunny August afternoon
B - side (the seaside)

JJB
#nevertobeforgotten
#somememoriesliveforever
Any food to suit your taste
So always wear an elasticated waist
The calories pile as you seal your own fate
Christ I love it on a Sunday
The all you can eat extravaganza
Curry for breakfast followed by scones and tea
It says it in writing, eat all you can see
Leaving so full that will do you for the day
I'll be back same time next week,
at the all you can eat buffet

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2020
One word, I told you not to say it
It's hurt
It's pain
It's it
This cannot go on with any purpose to it's relevance
I'm sorry but you have always known not to mention
It's tension
It's hold
But you had to be bold
I am so sorry
The love of my life,

But Thats Where it Ends.

JJB
John Bartholomew Sep 2018
You look at the television, a new series is starting
Wife's making the tea, kettle boils, just waiting in the kitchen
3 minutes in, a face appears, it takes a minute to click
Honey, who's this guy, I've seen him before but it just wont tick

Hot drink in each hand, she steps in, looks, pauses and takes a think
Oh, he was in whats it called, that show with the family on the brink
He tried to ****** the mother to get the payout to feed the kids
No, different guy, he's in Corrie now emptying the bins

Keep watching, it'll come, this confusion that matters to nothing
But it's bugging, so frustrating, his face was definitely in something
What's his name, well I don't know, we'll have to wait until the end
Click on the info button, it'll show up there, I might even have to phone a friend

OK, nobody has mentioned him for a while, what was his name?
Been around the block a bit but not known for his fame
Appeared in The Bill, Birds of a Feather and Celebrity Generation Game
But a face you forget, an accent non describable and tomorrow you'd still forget it again

An every man, he fits in the plan, can take any role and just blend into the background
A speaking part, a bit-part actor, was even in some major films but never talk of the town
And then you look down in Tesco's, his name at last you see on a DVD in the bargain bin, great, its him!

But what was he in?!

JJB
“People are supposed to fear the unknown, but ignorance is bliss when knowledge is so **** frightening.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton

“Nothing is more frightening than a fear you cannot name.” ― Cornelia Funke

“what you don't know, you don't miss” ― Cecelia Ahern
John Bartholomew Feb 2021
What is the purpose of this visit?
Is time on Earth just a phase
An appearance to say hello, goodbye,
I only popped in for a minute
For some people seem to transcend,
and not even say goodbye
While others just don't leave, please go, you've had your ****** time
Because sometimes I'd just like to appear without even saying hello
I've done my bit, toodlepip, its time for me to go

Cameo

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2023
Caring for the caring is a trait we should all be sharing
Be it a hug
A kiss
Or just a friendly pint for the craic
Their are some who have none and prey to have those back
This pandemic has hit the world hard
Dealt a costly hand to the weak and those in fear
But some have been angels who share a story with a friendly tear
So think of the few,
The help,
That lifeline belt
Who spoke those words that made you smile
For those are the ones who helped you fight on
And just take that extra mile

JJB

#Covid-19
#pandemic
John Bartholomew Sep 2021
Thats nice
Oh, I like that
It'll look good on the shelf
Now stuck in that drawer, gathering ill heath
The football programmes
The bottles of bleach from the Tenerife sun-tan
The school nativity play from your neighbour Stan
All shoved in the closet
With the receipt for the apartment deposit
Gathering dust for that day that you want it
Forgotten in the turns of time
Like that vinegar once bought decayed in brine
Stuck in the cupboard behind the lemon and lime
We look at it and always sadly mutter
I love it
I'll use it one day
This endless debris of useless, worthless, selfless,

Clutter
“Out of clutter, find simplicity.” ― Albert Einstein

“Clutter is my natural habitat.” ― Maggie Stiefvater, The Scorpio Races

“...that once were urgent and necessary for an orderly world and now were buried away, gathering dust and of no use to anyone.” ― Patricia A. McKillip, Alphabet of Thorn

“I like working among ‘creative clutter’. It gives me a sense of activity and achievement.”― Fennel Hudson, A Meaningful Life - Fennel's Journal - No. 1
John Bartholomew May 2018
Can somebody tell me just when did this happen
commentary on when the bean is ready to ripen
we had tea long before time
from China down through the Himalayas, our army marched on this stuff
we all now have a new flavoured taste, the humble cup of tea is now considered a crime

From the elegance of Earl Grey to the builder’s cup of Yorkshire
to be handed this over a mocha or latte, oh how those new snobs do sneer
seventy pence for that cup of drivel, I would rather die a thirsty death
a bit like shopping in Lidl, only at my last breath

Sitting down with paper in hand, let me look like I’m part of a movement
I’m one of you, were part of a clan, our work taking up life’s joyous fulfilment
Order a bagel or maybe a donut, take a box back for the guys in HR
I know I’m being ripped off, but best look like a toff, as I struggle to pay for my flash car

And there we have it and what we create, a brand now known in our time
from the mods to the rockers and onto the 80’s yuppie,
to be different is seen as a crime

They rock up to work, Costa in hand as they clock in with their key fobs
for these are the people of today and will always be seen
as the new age coffee snobs.

JJB
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. - Abraham Lincoln

Tea, though ridiculed by those who are naturally coarse in their nervous sensibilities will always be the favorite beverage of the intellectual. - Thomas de Quincey

I always fear that creation will expire before teatime. - Sydney Smith

Thank God for tea! What would the world do without tea! How did it exist? I am glad I was not born before tea. - Sydney Smith
Cog
John Bartholomew Mar 2021
Cog
The world is a machine
Everyday running on human tasks
7 billion of us just the same
All wearing our Covid masks
It judder's to a start when we first arise
We stretch
We yawn
And work until its time for beddybyes
Now if that one person tells you they're not
A part of this operation all working as one
Then my friend they cannot see,
That they are its final component
In this megalithic device
For they are just,
a cog.

JJB
John Bartholomew May 2021
I'll give you dinosaurs
I'll give you world wide wars
I'll give you religions all to believe
I'll give you sights you can never unsee
I'll give you trends all to wear
I'll give you people for whom you won't care
I'll give you diseases for those who do stare
I'll give you a cure to avoid a wheelchair
I'll give you a choice if you believe all this to be true
I'll give you a minute and I'll get back to you

God.

JJB
John Bartholomew Mar 2022
We all undo and ***** into a pool or some kind of meaningless puddle
Where our thought escape, linger and dwell
When sometimes all we needed was a good cuddle
Starting at the end of a ready burst bubble
It shatters, it explodes into small catch-less pieces
Just what did it hold to make it suffer
That made it implode into a time with no buffer
And disapper like the Central Park guy, Gunther
We all have our thoughts of what comes next
All these Instagrams to share and get off our chests
Before they become non-fashioned in a time of manifest
Thinking of a money spinner to make our dreams come true
What could, what would and the Ikea enigma of mahogany or tained blue
Life throws us under a bus whether MENSA or just plaim dumb
Whatever way you look at it its always the same
Life is a conundrum

JJB
John Bartholomew Mar 2021
Half a million hits
Whilst the pervs progressively click
Lacy knickers on as there she solely sits
Bra on the floor just flashing her...oh my!
I'll let you fill in the rest of the bits.

JJB
John Bartholomew May 2022
Try and try and try again
They will never be your partner
They will never be your friend
Could be making millions
If followed the ongoing trend
Sunning off the coast with champagne and a toast
Surrounded by fools who turn up for any personal boast
As you will always be my friend whose lessons I have learnt
Just thrown to the passing crowd for I always do,
Watch them all fritter,
Tastleless,
Ruthless,
Bitter,

Crash and Burn

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2019
Waking up with that one goal
Achieving what's in your heart and your soul
The smallest of things
The largest of things
We all have our private crusades

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2021
A cupboard full of cups all of which are assorted
Some you like
Some you loathe
Some should just be aborted
Now I can't throw that away as it's not mine to drink
A present, a holiday place when at the time you didnt think
That football you team you despise but your partner just loves
Or their unicorn standing tall releasing turtle doves (come on)
But you frown and leave them to be
Pushed to the back so that no one can actually see
You pick the same 4 mugs on a daily basis
One for tea, one for lunch and your favourite, your secret
Its a sad state of affairs when you have your priorities
Which is best for a cup-a-soup over your mug of tea
But I think this is what makes us a total breed apart
We stop
We think
We look in the sink
As a cup of tea is the only way to start.

JJB
Tea is a part of daily life. It is as simple as eating when hungry and drinking when thirsty.” – Yamamoto Soshun
John Bartholomew May 2022
Comparing muscles at school after a dip in the pool
Who'd hit puberty first with some hairs around their tool
And wishing it would hurry up as being the bald fool
But these things pass and are all soon forgotton
The leaders will rise while some sink to the bottom
Let them lead as I'll get by with my broken foreign
As age chases us down in a time not so prepared
Living life without a care
We goofed, we played, we dared
Now comes the time that we did scare
The paunch becomes the launch of a middle-age crisis
No more nights of depravity waking with a no-name in the local Ibis,
Time to lose weight and sign up to the Weight Watchers list
Gone are the days of tight tops, slim jeans and a part of the MOD's
From a week on site, mucking up and carrying the hod
Pack in the the Friday treat, the chips, the curry sauce and the cod
For I now have the middle aged familiar thats said
Give up in the carbs, the rice and the bread
As I now have that of what I did dread,
Hello,

The Dad ***

JJB
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
We all have our favourite flavours, be it what you will
Add some stock or a can of soup, anything but chilled
Pick a pack from the shelf,
Carrots,
Celery,
Turnips,
A clove of garlic,
All good for your health
A side scoop of fresh mash, potatoes mixed with butter
Bought from the farmer down the road, Mr Smith with the tedious stutter
Straight to bakery for some bread, to soak up that lovely mix
All the ingredients clumped together, every box it does tick
Served with a feeling of a homemade dish, pretty simple when you know how
Delicious and tender and a joy to eat, especially that winter has come now
It warms you up, puts a glow to your cheeks, feels good and livens the soul
Now dunk that bread and sip that wine,

Delicious with Casserole

JJB
Food is an important part of a balanced diet - Fran Lebowitz

People who love to eat are always the best people - Julia Child

You don't need a silver fork to eat good food - Paul Prudhomm

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti - Sophia Loren
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Sober.
It's an acquired state on mind.
A conscious
A quietness
A fondness
One may say, a heir achy, from you all.

Drunk.
Also an acquired state of mind.
A derailment
A letting go of it all
An unseen hurting inside

You don't know whats happened to that soul
An incident so unforgiving its led to this black hole
The judge in you thinks your above that sad being
But in their own self conscious, it's trouble they are fleeing

(Never judge what you never know)

JJB
John Bartholomew Mar 2019
Fat
Thin
Living with sin
Depends on how well you know me
My past misdemeanors
You could well take me to the cleaners
On discrepancies I've done in the past
I seem so nice and pleasant
With a smile that seems so repellent
Not even a fly would fear my charm
But it could all just be an act so decisive
That it has other means and devices
That keep me at reach from a length of your arm
But I can turn it on when its needed
Talking the bull with the waffle I'm feeding
And have them eating out of my palm
But that only comes when times can be hard
Concocting the odd story like a once well known Bard
But not as well known as the great Billy Shakespeare
For I am an honest man with the odd story that's a lie
We all have that in our depth even under a shirt and a tie
As times can be hard sometimes we all live in fear
See, you cant describe everyone with same artists brush
We can be rude, we can be transparent and some are just lush
If your looking from just the outside then what a great toosh!

Yeah, go on, I'd love you too,

Describe me

JJB
A bad system will beat a good person every time - W. Edwards Deming

I'm a good person, but with many defects. - Enrique Iglesias

I just want people to realize that it doesn't take much to be a good person. Simple things is all it takes. - Brian Ortega
John Bartholomew Aug 2020
No skills, just a passion for notability
They'd hang you from the nearest tree,
just to make a pretty penny
Lovable, but off in a flash
Could talk the knickers off the tightest of gowns
Sorry, was that my call, must dash
You know this fellow as they often once appear
A charmer, a lover, a chancer
And always leaves the girl in tears
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
Kicking around these parts of life
Its where you finish that matters
Travel the circumference of the world and nowhere counts
That smile and warm smell of where it engulfs you
Chatter, a taste, this is where I feel safe
A passing whiff of a well known must
Everything you love and fear, yeah that's the stuff
Waking with a slumber of never having any fear
Nights out with people you love, the taste of home made beer
It doesn't matter where you go this is the place where you've grown
From the Post Box on the street to the walls made of stone
This is the place you will always love,
Because this place,
Is home

JJB
“The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave, and it feels even better to come back.” - Anon

“Home is not a place…it’s a feeling.” - Anon
John Bartholomew Dec 2020
Long since being a kid, he dismissed his parent bought toys
The Tonka truck and football, they were just for boys
He rummaged through his mums cupboard, tried on her high heels
Feeling taller and more ladylike, he loved the way they feel
Putting on lipstick once, he was bullied in the school yard
The lads all gathered round, throwing sticks and a plastic bollard
Crying in the boys toilets, not knowing what he'd done wrong
Mrs Miller came in with an arm, humming a lovely song
Gathering strength, momentum and a new face
It's a life I want to live, even if I'm now called Grace
As this is the way I want to be forever,
Yes,
Diamonds are for Trevor

JJB
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe." - Joan Rivers

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my *****. - Sarah Silverman

It ***** to be a boy having his period - Anon
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
If you've not done it then you are a liar too
The luxury of the able-bodied to have a sneaky little poo
Look left, look right, there's nobody about
A peaceful time for what's needed now
A better handwash and a cleaner surround,
from the ceiling to extractor fan
Even onto the white grout

I'm not one to judge as I'd been there before
From a night in Yates's where they want your key to sniff coke
These private, uncompromising rooms have a life of their own, with stories I will not joke

The people of most Wetherspoons have a disabled key they use on a daily basis
Nothing wrong with them all, the odd one with a genuine NHS bracelet,
I tell you now, you really do start to hate it

But it is nice to be away from the majority of the public in a life I did not choose
Occupied, red dial turned, out come a pair of girls mostly half drunk, always together as a two
That is probably why it gets me down, a daily occurrence,
it affects us all,

These,

Disabled bog blues

JJB
My disability exists not because I use a wheelchair, but because the broader environment isn't accessible - Stella Young

The world worries about disability more than disabled people do - Warwick Davis

"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway" - Mary Kay Ash
John Bartholomew Jan 2023
I roll into the shower and feel the heat
The hot water on my head, my shoulders, my soul, but not my feet
Then I close my eyes and wish this forever as my sleep.....


SMASH!

I look around and my baby has tipped over my catheters
Well she has only just turned one, God bless her
How could I wish for a life away,
When I now have her forever in my days

JJB
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
I voted out
You voted in
Who would have thought what a mess this ended up in

No rules just lies
Some even on the street having a public cry
All we can do now is just try

I love this great land for all that its worth
From its music and history to football and its birth
Now we just fight over a decision asked by DC and his smirk

All we hear on the news is a choice of which way to turn
Article 50 may as well have been burned
We now need a leader to guide this ship with a hand that is stern

Decisions, settlement, judgement
Still up in the air that needs some stable guidance
Who's to be next to blame and sail to safer climates

As for now we just don't know
Who holds the dice and who's next to throw
For this land needs to come together and head for a new vision

As the last thing we need is this now,

Division

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2018
We all know each other, if just from sound and sight
If brown, yellow, green or white
But sometimes its hard to tell even if their jeans are worn too tight

We all know whereabouts on the planet they were roughly born
If not from their clothes or a place now politically torn
But to have knowledge of a race with a history once scorned,

Its an ace card to hold when dipping your toes
Lets not get with a being who's past we all know
For war is a past, sometimes a crime, they'd just like to outgrow

A canine has no clue with who'm they may mate
As a mongrel is mongrel until they changed the label and date
A Labradoodle to a Cockerpoo and now even a Schnoodle
Its getting so confusing, well thank the Lord for Google!

Well we all have to have one thing and that is a label
Just let the dog be and lay underneath the kitchen table
Its becoming so confusing with how they are supposed to grow
Let nature take its course, I mean,

Does a dog even know?

JJB
“Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.”– Orhan Pamuk

“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” – Charles De Gaulle

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

“My dog is half pit-bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip.” – Craig Shoemaker
John Bartholomew Jul 2021
Blagging it at 19 saying I was 23
Agencies believed me with no photo ID
Plumber with no certificates just taking a big chance
Stood my ground,
looked real good,
while taking this unknown stance
Got away with it until I crashed into my comeuppance
From earning big bucks to starting again,
lifes not good back earning just a tuppence
I gave it the large,
Six five with a shoulder barge,
don't even try and stop me
Now four foot ten
A midge amongst men
Starting all over again
But hey, I done it to myself
A life of ill health
Thinking I was impenetrable and of hard stealth
I left my love shaken and numb
For being so selfish and dumb
Life really does has it's unforeseen conundrums,
and I'm sorry x

Doing Life Backwards

JJB
John Bartholomew Oct 2022
In this world we all have a double
It's you with a growth of designer stubble
Only 2 foot shorter like Barney Rubble
Strutting the scene with a jive and a walk
But unlike you they've got the talk
And being a sworn religeon they wouldnt eat no pork
Do they have the same luck in life like me, I've had none
Or did they take a different path and become a priest or a nun
Maybe they might have robbed a bank and are still on the run
Who knows what we might have done in a time of another
A new life as an imposter acting as twin sister or twin brother
Or always acting as a fraud as life is just a cover
Your double could be the kindest soul but of that we'll never know
Just the luck of the dice in life we throw I suppose
Yet they could just be the rhyming reverse off this,
Not like you,
your double, trouble

JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2023
What's left at the bottom of your pint
The disguards, the mouthwash, the unwanted kerfuffle
Measured up to society
A load of ****** trouble
The majority queued at the job centre
The dreamers, the wash-ups, old Ken still clutching his Fender
Better off in a tidal wave
I really hate to tell you
But that's life and has been since day one
They come and go, these forgotten days of fun
Sometimes you have money, others you have none
But think big, think tall, better days will always come

JJB
John Bartholomew May 2022
The wife says its Friday so work is dress down cool
But sat on the sofa everyday
Nobody wants this fool
I'm not annoyed so much as slightly bitter
Grades up until my eyeballs
Unfortunately you just don't fit here
Was it the interview and my calm, over rehearsed, relaxed speech
Or plainly just the wheelchair
Those heights I just cannot reach
So kneel down beside me to hear my lost crude witsome banter
You should try it on stage mate
What is it, a beer or just a Fanta?
As maybe I wasn't cut out for the suit and to dress everyday tall
This is what I am now,
Different, cut to size, and to some, a little bit special
I know I will never get used to being six feet five to WHAM,
Four foot and ******
But that is life
Some you miss, some you see,
and some times you were lucky to have just ducked.

JJB
John Bartholomew Jul 2018
Whatever is that urge, that unthoughtful splurge, to annihilate every last thought of that day
to drink to kingdom come, conversations with anyone, and spend all that you have been paid

what ungodly flicker of thought, has you drinking that last drop that you bought
until the sun rises, awake on a bench, lessons that really cannot be taught

Rewind that human clock, until a time when all was once well
hindsight on a wrong word said, tripped in conversation, drink brings up its show and tell
that marriage that you could have had, now stalked each day on Facebook
sent them a drunk friend request, regrets in the morning, crazy thoughts that overtook

I love you man, a Tesco ban, for stealing ***** after the midnight hour of twelve
we laughed and sang, kebabs and dips, only here once so what the hell
the morning after, 12 cans and draught ale, anything that doesn’t touch the sides
your head is thumping, hair of the dog is calling, Round 2 of this stupid drunken ride

But at what point do we put the brakes on, man’s liver this wasn’t built for, the older the less wiser
you’ve tried the lagers, you’ve tried the ciders, lets knock it on the head, time for the Tizer
for the greyer the hair the less you can bare, as our bodies are not getting any younger
now I love to be merry, but it’s a weight I can’t carry, as drink is a thing I can’t do any longer

Drunk

JJB
“ALWAYS DO SOBER WHAT YOU SAID YOU’D DO DRUNK. THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.” ~ ERNEST HEMINGWAY

“I COOK WITH WINE, SOMETIMES I EVEN ADD IT TO THE FOOD.”~ W.C. FIELDS

“A DRUNK MAN’S WORDS ARE A SOBER MAN’S THOUGHTS.” ~ STEVE FERGOSI
John Bartholomew Dec 2018
If you want to show them what your like then do
(Think about it now)
Let you be you
(Don't)
Get up and dance, ignoring the few
(Please don't)
You've been here 2 weeks, it's good to be true
(Seriously, listen to that voice in future)
The MD's wife looks alright, put out your hand
(What have I just done)
Get up my love, never mind him, let's dance
(Oh God)
Put your hands out to this beat, be it 60's or trance
(Seemed like fun)
Now I'm thinking back to what the hell have I done
(I told you)
A few drinks on the company bill, was only a bit of fun
(how can I avoid work on Monday?)
The start of the new week and what have I to come
(Are they smirking still at my boldness)
Sit down, computer on, Inbox half full
(OK, not so bad)
Usual junk and the odd serious email but there it is, lingering
(Let's hope he's in a good mood)
See me at 10, we need to have a chat
(**** it)

JJB
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ...- Ernest Hemingway

It's okay saying sorry, but when you are drunk you say what you really feel -  Vidal Sassoon

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men - Charles Darwin
John Bartholomew Jul 2023
15 days on the side of road
Nowhere to sleep since I left my home
I just need somewhere to dump my load
Kicking up dust with the frogs and toads
I just need some place to dump my load
No lights or bedding to call my abode
I just need somewhere to dump my load
No right move in stalemate mode
I just needed some place to dump my load
Not one PC could break this code
I just need someone somewhere to dump my load
And when, I finally figure out, this meaning, I'm froze
Please little darling, just let me dump my load!

JJB
Not to be rude
John Bartholomew Jan 2018
Times turn for that night on the town
All week at work and now it’s time to be found
This way or that way a few shots at the bar,
A pint or two now just settle the nerves
Skin on skin if it’s Sonny or Cher
A night back at mine for I don’t really care

You’re a desperate case of loving if that’s what you want
Anywhere will do if you drink from that font

Hello, from the ***** side of drinking
Hello, just what had you been thinking
Had enough, of this desperate kind of torture
Time to change, to a newer type of nature

A new you well that’s what you’re thinking
Giving up on highs and the ugly side of sinking
A road of new signs, travel now to somewhere
That new name, taken out of fresh air
Let’s build this man, another to mix with the yes I cans
Married with that job, no different from you and me man

You’re a desperate case of loving if that’s what you want
Anywhere will do if you drink from that font

Hello, from the ***** side of drinking
Hello, just what had you been thinking
Had enough, of this desperate kind of torture
Time to change, to a newer type of nature

So, this is me, fresh new eyes to a world of cynicism
The choices I once now made open to your scepticism
Times move on so let’s forget the mistakes I made
I was young and open to most things I’m afraid
There’s no next time so lets just try it now
You’re along time dead, just give it all a go
Its goodbye from me as I take my final bow,
Easy tiger.

JJB
John Bartholomew Apr 2018
Take a picture. Snap! Now show the world where you have been
That brilliant destination and all of the sights that you have seen
Be it Morocco and onto Timbuctoo, not a thing ever went wrong
The lies that we can tell whilst singing a different song

We live the perfect life as seen by the planet and its friends
Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, instantly removed in a millisecond
For what they can see is fake and often ******
A quick brush up, a digitized wipe and Instagram is oh so worthy

A story to tell your friends of that fantastic night out
Not to mention that later on the bouncer kicked you all out
Delete that girl in the background that you pulled after that shot
The town bike to all who know, never going back to that spot

For social media will always tell a different story
Best looking people in the frame, a night of unreal glory
Waking up with an STD, let’s keep that well away
Some **** at the bar not smooth and slick, forget the box of Milk Tray
For this never happened looking down at your feet
Hers or his, whoevers bed it is
Hence,

Edited

JJB
Often real life is boring and problematic. I love the edited version of it - Terry Gross

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited - Ambrose Bierce
John Bartholomew Mar 2023
200 million years since the last lot were here
AD,BC, not applicable
No religeon to now fear
For Earth has been through its toughest of showers
From the cosmos to the ice frosts
It slowly rebuilds its supernatural powers
As life as we once knew it
Steadily grows again from the ground
A third phenomenon now raises its heartbeaten head
To see what planet is left to be compound
What God of universal proportion could make this reoccur
Are they bored in their place of work
Twiddling their thumbs
Calculating their sums
Prodding with a fork, ideas of whats next, but mainly smalltalk
But something is now slowly growing
A breed to outdo the previous they had sewing
Life as they know it has a fresh new face
Something truly phenominal
To inherit this Earth and put life back in its place
Until that day
We continue to **** this planet of everything it has
Down to its very last natural fibre
From its oil and its wind and down to the sea
A home of now I could not, unfortunately, describe her

JJB
#saveourplanet
John Bartholomew Aug 2020
I can't cry at a human death
Yet ball like a baby at my cats last breath
Nothing stirs my soul if its on the telly
Yet football with one last goal can devour me to my belly
Its not an act to try and look hard
That's just me, myself and I
A complete,
Emotional ****** 😢

JJB
John Bartholomew Jun 2021
13 likes after nearly twenty minutes
Am I losing my skills or is my status not worth giving
My ex got 437 for just tweaking her fine ***
To most men thats never a quick pass
What can I update to just make me feel a little bit better
Anything will do just for that feel good filler
I think theyre all bored of the photos of my pets
They've seen the snaps of Ibiza that starts inside the jet
Well,
OK,
A flash of skin for some easy likes,
now thats a safer bet
So watch me rise with this post come boast,
It's almost living in sin
I just need that rush to my head,
endorphins,
I win
I win
I win!

#addictedtosocialmedia

JJB
Next page