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Mar 2020 · 99
Middle England
John Bartholomew Mar 2020
70 miles from the beautiful English coast
Some days that's the only place I'd rather be the most
Throwing chips to the gulls whilst sat outside with a lovely chilled beer
Not thinking what's the quickest way to Northampton from here
Or to drive west and dream over the Irish Sea
As there are other places where I'd rather be
But maybe it's just this and its stuck in my bones
Middle England is me and time to get used to it being my home

JJB
Feb 2020 · 127
First
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
He was the first to score a hatrick on the newest astroturf pitch
He was the first on his new BMX to jump that ***** ditch
He  was the first to kiss the best looking girl in the school
He was the first that all kids thought he was cool

She was the first to have the Rainbow Collection of My Little Pony
She was the first to lend me her toys as mine were all phoney
She was the first to be picked for the school netball team
She was the first to date the boy on the bike we all thought was a dream

Looking back they deserved each other as they were the first to be divorced
A love so pictured, so fragile, it was almost movie scored
So no to be the first to everything in sight
I'm happy in my own little world just taking my own flight

From first to last, nothing will be remembered in the past

JJB
“If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.” - Dolly Parton

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet - Dolly Parton

Guess what, I might be the first hippie pinup girl - Janis Joplin

I want to be the first. If they'd let me go to the moon, I'd crawl all the way to Cape Kennedy just to do it. I'd like to go to the moon, but I don't want to be the second man to go there - Evel Knievel
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
You can see it,
The groupies, the girls, the finest guacamole
All there for the taking
All made by 4 friends who are really phony's

12 tracks fine tuned to almost perfection
Grown men sobbing, at what they are hearing
Only their God could write a better selection

That speeding intro, the slow down, the pick me up with an ending so delicious you could eat it for breakfast,
The London Symphony Orchestra lending their hand, slow down tiger, those searing strings are gonna get you

For this has always been the dream inside this head of mine
Holding back, maybe tomorrow, another day will be the right time

But a dream is a dream and sometimes they'll never come true
I can't even play an instrument, sat here dreaming on the loo
For all this to me is a page that needs writing,
Not by me, but by someone new

The Greatest Album (Never Recorded)

JJB
There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva - Josh Groban

I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring -David Bowie

The rock star is dying. And it's a small tragedy. Rock stars have blogs now. I have no use for that kind of rock star - Nick Cave
Feb 2020 · 61
Remember when...
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
Remember when I could count a lot higher up than you,
When all you had was 30 and I was at 102?

Remember when I stayed up until 10:30pm, with this being a school night,
And now I stumble home from the pub and it's just getting light

Remember when on the toilet reading what was in a bottle of shampoo
Now we read our Facebook while taking that quick poo

Remember when looking for anything that resembled some sort of ****
Now it's in your hands and on your phone, not hidden in dad's shed at the bottom of the lawn

Remember when we drunk that bottle of 20/20, sneakily on the park bench,
Chewing gum and you really hummed, thinking no one could smell your ***** stench

Remember when you told your mum you only cycled to the local shops,
When in reality you just carried on because you didn't want to stop

Remember when eating a bar of chocolate, nothing else would ever really matter,
Now you read the content and what's inside as you don't want to get any fatter

Remember when no one gave two hoots about these sweet little lies,
Now Big Brother watches over us like some silent untrustworthy spy,

Remember when...

JJB
“[Kids] don't remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.”― Jim Henson

“It's never too late to have a happy childhood.”― Tom Robbins

“Grown ups are complicated creatures, full of quirks and secrets.”― Roald Dahl

“For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.”― John Connolly

“Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along―the same person that I am today.”― Orson Scott Card
Feb 2020 · 72
Unleash
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
The power within,
Embroiling my sins,
Holding back what can't be released,

A scream with no sound,
Digging for what can't be found,
All I need is a realm of my inner peace

To take over my world,
A power that can tame when unfurled,
On you that I need to unleash

JJB
Feb 2020 · 96
Waiting for a dream
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
Sat looking at the clock
Everyone around you always in such a rush
What thoughts to have of nothing but this job
When I have dreams of such getaways away from this poxy jaunt

Surely I'm not the only one with dreams of pastures new
These guys have been here for so long they must be overdue
Grey and rescinding, worries of money and the mortgage
I just want to be on a beach, cocktails with closed eyelids

Now I am starting to think these things don't just fall onto your lap
40 years man and boy, first you've got to wade through the crap
So there's the thinking, the breakthrough, that one inquisitive thought
An idea that no one must ever think, the one that can never be bought

As I lay here in my tree swing bed just watching the blue sea
Those fools back home still thinking hard, of what might be might be
Because it clicked one day, that idea I always had when I was a teen
Hidden thoughts are ready to pounce, just waiting for a dream

JJB
Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake? - Leonardo da Vinci

The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to a knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind. - Sigmund Freud

Myths are public dreams, dreams are private myths. - Joseph Campbell

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do all you can to make your dreams come true. - Joel Osteen
Feb 2020 · 1.1k
Social FOMO
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
Wake up
Check
Any updates
Check
Give it 2 minutes
Log back on
Check
My god, she added last night
Check
14 new comments
Check
***. I cannot believe she posted that picture
Check
Best look on Insta
Check
No Way!
22 new pics
Who is he?
Check
Her ex? Again, no way!
I'll give it an hour
5 minutes pass.
I might have missed something
Check
Nothing
OK
Not OK
No pics of me yet
Why no pics of me?
Did I look that bad?
Better check
Check
Nothing
This could have been a mistake last night
Check
Check
Check

Fear Of Missing Out

JJB
FOMO (fear of missing out) is the enemy of valuing your own time - Andrew Yang

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. - Albert Einstein

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - Steven Wright
John Bartholomew Feb 2020
For he drew whatever was the scene
Of Northern towns and sometimes swings,
Of wherever he had been
The detail not always riveting like a Van Gogh or a Constable
But always on set, and you could always bet, simplicity is a sacred tool
If the stroke portrayed kindness,
And each drawing a wellness
To how we lived in other times to now

L. S. Lowry

JJB
Jan 2020 · 77
I'm not OK
John Bartholomew Jan 2020
I don't know how to keep disguising the fact,
That when someone asks me how I am,
I don't like to say,
But,
OKAY,
I'm not OK

JJB
Jan 2020 · 43
Leaning
John Bartholomew Jan 2020
A little to the left
A little to the right
Hell I think I've seen all our sins
Looking beyond all what might have been

We lean a different way everyday in life
Depends on what has been giving you trouble and strife
I'll vote Labour one day and the Greens another, prey
It's all who has the best policies in all of what they say

My favourite actor, footballer or the car that I might drive next
All different decisions on what hasn't got me vexed
For our minds do blow on the direction of our inner winds
As a politician you were great now look at their dastardly sins

Again, a lean to the left when all is good and proud
A lean for right to get it off your mind, a shout now heard so loud

Whatever way you lean it's good to get it off your chest
For only you can decide which way to lean,
And do for you,
What really is for the best

JJB
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Winston Churchill

Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.

Stephen Covey

I've been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's a tower, and it's leaning. You look at it, but nothing happens, so then you look for someplace to get a sandwich.

Danny DeVito

If you are not leaning, no one will ever let you down.

Robert Anthony
John Bartholomew Jan 2020
Rummaging round the cupboard and the smell was getting rife
There he sat, proud as punch, that bear made by Steiff
1920's since he'd last had any play
Just sat in the corner looking benign, and that's where he'd stay
A move of his arm under that cardigan they'd had knit
Legs that dangle and now lose, let's get him fighting fit

Rotten to the core his fluff now to be rebuffed
A filler of modern type, now that's the kind of stuff
Eyes that hang on from the nimblest of thread
A cuddle and a kiss and this bear is ready for bed

A story he could tell of the Germans and how they did slaughter
Dropped in the corner by the village mayors daughter
Just left to rot until it's new owners undamaged his house
Feet now nibbled and left to rot, all by the local mouse

Love can come in many guises and this new life is so sweet
It's new owners place him proud with pictures for their tweet
Now a star of the telly on a show by BBC's The Repair Shop
Thanks Julie and Amanda,
You've given me a new life,
Please don't ever stop :)

Teddy Bear (in worn out wear)

JJB
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Arriving like a flash of pure light,
A buzz,
A whiff,
A, look at me, I'm not here just as a gift

Momentous,
Crucial,
Pivotal,
Names I have plundered, on a Sunday morning call

Historical,
Far-reaching,
Consequential,
Fateful, all in a book, no author may dare claim

Evidenceless,
Timeless,
But always on trend
Oh Lord, how can it already be the end?

JJB
“Disbelief held me down inside my footsteps, making my body heavy but my heart wild.”― Markus Zusak
Dec 2019 · 119
Odd Socks
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Whether black or blue, white or brown
We all find each other in these quirky little towns
Love is a thing of a thousand discussions
If your English, Irish, French or Russian
Language is but a barrier as long as you trust them
Supporting rival teams but still laugh at the same stuff on the telly
She cleans his boots, takes a sniff, although he's properly smelly
Then makes his favourite desert, mmm, ice cream and jelly
For we all have our differences, let just make it fit
No room on the sofa, let's laugh, chat, here's somewhere to sit
As we don't have enough time to hold such grudges,
tick-tock
tick-tock
Because, lets face it, we are all really, just odd socks.

JJB
Dec 2019 · 115
User
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
I took you in
We laughed, got drunk, smoked some stuff that was wrong
Went gigging
Stole ***** that we shouldn't have been swigging
You dragged on some **** of a ten pack of stolen ciggies

You used me but I overlooked this at the time
Maybe I used you as well but this worked out just fine
A free ticket to the singer of your choice
Friend or carer, you wanted my company but not for their voice
You had no money but I didn't mind helping you out
As I never asked for a dime in return, I could have gone to a tout

So now...
It's thrown back in my face from a man with no cares
He swindles a friend he's known for over 20 years
Lives life like a failed rockstar as some new hearts he'll now tear

Good luck to those who he'll now push from his window sill
As two-facedness is a very bitter pill
He'll never learn as failure is an option we look back in hindsight
Looking over the edge from these choices
But from from how many lies and to fall from what height

Thinking back it was everyone else who has always paid
So that's it now my once dear friend
Time to call it a day

JJB
Dec 2019 · 378
Demons
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Sober.
It's an acquired state on mind.
A conscious
A quietness
A fondness
One may say, a heir achy, from you all.

Drunk.
Also an acquired state of mind.
A derailment
A letting go of it all
An unseen hurting inside

You don't know whats happened to that soul
An incident so unforgiving its led to this black hole
The judge in you thinks your above that sad being
But in their own self conscious, it's trouble they are fleeing

(Never judge what you never know)

JJB
John Bartholomew Dec 2019
Stubbed your toe just getting out of bed
It's gonna be, one of those days

Its cold and it's wet and its not getting better
Well that's what the weatherman just said

Slap that smile on and say hello to the world you just dread
This modern world of Tristan's and Justin's, I just don't fit as a Fred

Listening to country blues on the bus as the kids turn up their Kiss
Sometimes I'd like to answer with a smile and 5 finger clenched fist

At times I'd just like to be left alone in a world of my own dreams
Where Jesus could just hold me as his sunbeam

Do the others ever ask for 10 B&H and a packet of Rizla
Heck, I've been doing so since I was a kid, yeah

For this world of my own is a place of sanctuary where I'm safe
These thoughts are my own, my dreams, my own place

Shakespeare I think had the same ideas of worlds away
Where he often thought the same, always having just like me

One of the days

JJB
Nov 2019 · 329
Bottle
John Bartholomew Nov 2019
Sometimes empty
Sometimes full
Depends what its been used for by this downright fool
If it's Pepsi, Fanta or an orange from his own *****
He never thought it's be a place to empty his fragile groin
As a bladder with what has a mind of its own
The inevitable can happen with your mind that's now blown
As the first time its a shock and you cant believe whats happened
But be prepared sonny as you cant let things slacken
Pull up behind the biggest tree
A feeling of oncoming dread that cannot happen to me
You search all the nearest windows as no spectators here
Unzip, todger out, catheter into that empty container
This ain't the way the nurses said, hygiene, germs, ***** hands
They'd cry if they saw this is the way they trained you
Thank God for that fizzy drink, that thing you drop with hand controls, driving at full throttle
For we never learn, quick, pass the drink, as I swigg out of that said bottle

JJB
Nov 2019 · 135
Graceless
John Bartholomew Nov 2019
Silence is sound I sometimes crave the most,
I sit in another room,
With stillness,
Just light,
Not a creak to be heard or angst within sight

Such passion, such roar
Let me just feel my softcore
As those clatterings can carry on elsewhere
Empowered in such grace
Sometimes you do not have to see it's face
To just know it's the kind of future for you

As I lay down here just looking up at the sky
The fields all surround me with their beauty
A natural aroma that sometimes can hold you
Can warm you,
Can charm you,
And now have seen you through,
Away from the surrounds that have just become,

Graceless

JJB
“When you don't know where you're going, you drive on the highway.”
― Roger Hedden, Bodies, Rest and Motion.

“the costume of the nineteenth century is detestable. It is so sombre, so depressing. Sin is the only real colour-element left in modern life.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“What a lovely thing, to shut up and listen and not broadcast anything back. There’s a certain serenity in it and even a kind of light grace.”
― Michael Harris
Nov 2019 · 368
Fridge Magnets
John Bartholomew Nov 2019
Not all yours but at first glance it looks like they are your fine pile
Lanzarote, Greece, even the Tower called Eiffel
Clumped together like a map of exceeding heats
From Lisbon down to Cape Town
Tell me of these differing seats

Did you really fly through the depths of the Grand Canyon
Or take a helicopter to that quiet place known as the Scilly Islands
Yet venture the climbing follies around Ben Nevis
And take a gondola ride around the canals of Venice

The adventure parks known as Chessington and Alton Towers
Where the rides left a taste that came out as sour
Your friends have bought you such distance as OZ and NZ
Where they'd be flying in the sky and you'd be at home in your bed

One day I will have the money and aspiration to fly to such a place
For now I will let the young adventurers fly away with such grace
As I seem to be grounded without the bank-to-fly
Do I really want to thoroughly say goodbye?

Hmm, Well I know what you mean
I'm slightly batty to have crazy yet ambitious dreams
So don't poke around my passport looking for stamps to check
As like lies on my fridge magnet door, I haven't been there yet

Fridge Magnets (most of them are fibs you know)

JJB
Do no take this poem seriously. If you do then you need psychiatric help
John Bartholomew Oct 2019
Telling lies,
we all do it.

I'm flat footed so couldn't join the army
(Nothing wrong with my feet, I'm just scared of fighting)

I'm colourblind with certain shades of red
(Nothing wrong my eyesight, it's just something I once said)

I once caught a pike over thirty pound in weight
(I only won a goldfish once, when at the village fete)

Telling my mates in the pub I was man of the match with a hat trick
(When I was really curled up in bed, hungover and half sick)

Bungee jumped a thousand feet up, into a Kiwi lagoon
(When I was really eating breakfast in bed, only in my hotel room)

I've travelled the world, been far, been wide to tell you all this crap
(I turn it on with such truth, it's all from Google Maps)

As people are gullible, fascinated by stories of lies and endeavour
(Words can be misconstrued,changed to make you sound clever)

We meet them on a daily basis, these fiends with a thousand foes
(Just full of lies, boiling up, from their fingers down to their toes)

But it's not just me as you look at the other person in the room
(How long until you suss them out, albeit not too soon)

For we all tell the odd porky, even if it is a little white lie
But sometimes they become to much and then its hello, bye -bye

Stupid ****** Lies (Don't believe a word they say)

JJB
“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
― Mark Twain

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”
― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”
― Adolf ****** (Really?)
Oct 2019 · 240
If the BBC...
John Bartholomew Oct 2019
If the BBC...
Knew how we all really do talk in the car,
Of our real opinions,
Our views,
Of what we think of certain people in life,
How our daily chat is embroiled in what they don't report,
Our loves that don't include politics,
A real box to tick,
Who we hate,
Who we really do rate,
And who should go into that next big seat at No.10,
Then the BBC should speak to the man on the street,

The British builder,
The factory worker
The delivery driver
The plumber
The average office worker
The struggling student and not those whose parents have money
The small towns near Grimsby,Bristol and those in Newcastle
The real man
The Nine til Five and then the Seven til' Eleven
The every penny earnt and still they are struggling

If the BBC actually reported on this,
Then this would be the real Britain they would be showing,
Yet,

JJB
Oct 2019 · 113
Puncture-proof
John Bartholomew Oct 2019
Come at me with what you will
I take no offence at your thoughts that are ill
Throw those words,
Bombard me,
Harass me,
Try and really hurt me,
Watch them bounce into the depths of nowhere
You'd better sit down as your gonna need a chair
As your words of corruption really do not scare
I have elephant skin,
I'll take it on the chin,
And find somewhere else to begin
As I do not deflate
It's just a thing called fate
Your endless dramas became a bit long in the tooth as,
These bones and skin are now, lets just say,

Puncture proof

JJB
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
What to wear on that specific day;
Smart
Skinny
Super Skinny
Bootleg
Oh what the heck
Should they be trousers, jeans, combats or chinos
What if the crowd are all smart come casual
My Converse boots or my polished Italian Tino's
I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb
A shirt and blazer is how I think I should come
The tail end of a wedding can be a confusing matter
As you don't want to be seen as the talking point of their chatter
These tartan cotton threads can be worn on any occasion
Dark yet understated, I'm not one for too brazen

JJB
Sep 2019 · 136
Next Step
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
Ideas
So many ideas
Stemmed from the root of my brain
Many can be pretty boring but some are **** insane
A spiders web without any pattern
Some as small as Mercury but could be as big as Saturn
Life has no pattern on whom you may meet
From walking one day to being sat in this seat
But where do I start with a thought oh so new
There is no God I can trust to speak words that are true
It's just a stroke of luck as to what direction
No rota can guide you with a choice or right rotation
It's always down to the person who has the next best thought
For this life and its guidance is something that can never be taught

JJB
Sep 2019 · 267
The Man Bun
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
Bless me Lord for I have sinned
As I once grew a haircut that I shortly binned
But I knew at the time it was thoroughly wrong
Because these things happen when you grow it that long
A look in the mirror and you think it looks alright
Seriously man, that really isn't right
Laughed at behind closed doors and always behind your back
Yeah, it's true, you do look a complete ****
If haircuts were numbered you'd be looking at a one
As the village idiot would even shave it off
That bundle
That irresponsible
That monstrosity to the back of the human head
The Man Bun

#youknowwhoyouare

JJB
Sep 2019 · 107
Talentless
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
Picking up the pieces of a talent now exhaled
Your nothing man
Come join the show
Living off those where you have always failed

Pinching most of their words
Into a flutter that can half fly
You take the fame
The glory
Their right stuff
Where in truth you never tried

For you are a fake, half baked
Let truth be told
You never learnt nothing
But to you that's a something
Where courage is your two faced plain bold

With no friends as that's your lot
Now down that last sorry shot
As you know who you are
And it's a stretch that's gone to far

Because its closing time at this selfish nameless bar

Always believe the truth

JJB
Sep 2019 · 192
Audi v BMW Drivers
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
I could leave this blank as sometimes there are no words
As who has the biggest ego, could never finish second,
never mind third
Mines faster
no mines faster
Then watch this,
No, watch this,
I must be in front
But I have to be there first, I'm more important
Do you not know who I'm meeting, the CEO of some place new
No time to sit and chat, you can stick your pleasantries and brew
Think I'll whack it in the disabled space, this guy can never be late
I'll drive right up your behind, can't be stumped for this date
For I am the most important person on the road
As we don't abide by the rules or the Highway Code
For we are above you as we rule the roads of the land
The Astra, the Focus, the VW Golf, all so bland
We are a range of vehicle that relies on being slick
Usually driven by the same kind of person we all know
Yes, normally, a bit of a *****!


JJB
Sep 2019 · 195
Awash in one's own Time
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
You take it for granted when it's stood right there
Playing with your kids without a single care
These moments they ground you in a time that's now past
Thinking these memories will always everlast
But where does it go in a life that's fast and always unread
Almost ten years ago as you think it through now lying in your bed
A jigsaw of pieces that somehow all interact
Now putting them together to make a perfect fact
Cast them in the river as they are all attached to the same line
As fishings not my thing, I'm just awash in one's own time

For a friend

JJB
“Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.”-Henry David Thoreau
Sep 2019 · 127
Live with being poor
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
I look, we all do, how much are you worth?
No really, how much?
That car, finance?
That house, inherited?
That holiday, a friends villa?
That flight, Ryanair?
I'll carry on judging until I am corrected
And it is what it is as I rightly suspected
Your as rich as me, it's just a smoke screen and a false front
No wonder they say what they say as you really are a ####
I'm happy with what I've got and not living like the encore
As I can get on with this life and live with being poor

JJB
Sep 2019 · 93
Every Last Drop of Breath
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
Hold on to that last thought
It could be your best
Save yourself from falling
Gulping the air back from your chest
Every second of life
Is this all just a test
As were only here once so savior
Every last drop of breath

JJB
Sep 2019 · 361
Behind the Wall
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
Work toilet
Just staring at yourself in the mirror
I hate it here
What's beyond all this
Behind this wall
A man stands tall
An alternative phase on your future
I only came here for a ten minute break
I'm fake
Any excuse I'll take
To dream of another place than here

JJB
Sep 2019 · 208
Big Bloke Poem
John Bartholomew Sep 2019
It's a different way of life being big
I don't mean eating until I want to be sick
I mean my height, my clothes, still as tall as you when I sit
Not being able to buy the shirt I want because they all say Slim-fit

That pair of jeans I want but not your off the shelf clobber
My wife looks high and low bless her, as nothing will stop her
A pair of shoes to fit in with the latest fashions
No size 13 sir, you'll have to look online, that's where they usually stash them

I fly to America where they know how to treat me right
Trying on a Medium shirt, hell, its not even very tight
The only thing is their taste in shoes here
I'll order online as I wash it down with a beer

Even getting in a car can be a pain with a certain model
Head space, leg room, come on Mini, us lads want this at a doddle
And what is it the smaller woman that finds you such a pull
Hell, I'm not complaining, look after me and wrap me in wool

For I'm not violent in any which way at all
But get a man who thinks he's big and you'll get it with a bar room stool
Little man syndrome is our worst curse of them all
There is always one you thinks he's hard so has to act like the fool

But I like being a big bloke as you gain a respect for no reason at all
Some look up to you because your big and rather tall
But at the end of the day were just the same as me and you
Finding it hard in everyday life, and a love that is oh so true

JJB
Aug 2019 · 183
Living on a Roundabout
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
It's a funny idea, of course this I know
A life of moving symmetry, around me they all do flow
None come up near me as it's a puzzle to you all
You wouldnt understand my strange brain, the deeper you would fall
I watch you peer as you drive, does he live on there alone
My small garden, one pear tree, guarded by my green gnome
I still pay tax, all common bills, and work not like some hermit
It's the way I live my life, just because others do not see fit
The drive as small as a room, just space for 2 small bins
But drive in forwards, never reverse, for this would be a sin
I sometimes regret what I've done, but hey, you're only here once
No friends visit here anymore, maybe I acted the dunce
For a life of peace, quiet, no neighbours, it really takes some beating
But if the boiler breaks, no plumbers come, I'll live without the heating

JJB
Aug 2019 · 206
Sharks
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
Circling
Waiting
Sniffing
Preying
In for the ****
We all know one
Nothing better to do
Hated but sometimes loved
Monstrous but also as peaceful as a dove

Attack
Ripped
You had been tipped
Blood on the carpet yet to be cleaned
Off they swim with teeth that now gleam
Tails swagging as they have done their job
Everyone looking as they are the top ****
Nice as pie later on as they buy you a pint in the pub
You take it as its them but would really rather snub

For they are the ones who love they're own bark
A little fish who thinks they're as big as the Cutty Sark
Looking up they love you to know they are on the lark
As they are the ******* who ruins your day
For they are what we all know in life as

The Shark

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
A new roundabout
On the edge of town
Ten new shops to enliven their frowns

Costa Coffee or a Starbucks to entice the local folk
But where did it come from as built in a flash
As just yesterday it was but a local gap

McDonalds, B&M along with a Home Sense
No builders on scene as they are erected overnight
The real trades of the world now taken over by factory plight

Lets build, let's shop as their skills now no longer needed
Prefabbed in a factory somewhere downtown where these are now all seeded

As we don't care as long as the shopper is well catered for
Making our millions along with the rest
We see the dollar as our new friend and the internet our second best

For we also love the pound as we are the megabuck rich
In another life we were really all just ******
Loving the life of a millionaire with the tradesmen now feeling just broke and sore

If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned then trades are next in line
For we see our money as the devil incarnate
And this time round we really could not wait

The world is spinning into a colossal whirlwind of desire and scorn
Our allegiances are narrowly sewn into paper now easily torn
As it doesn't matter what you are taught its to whom you are now to born

Money makes the world go round as it was also Prefab made
He has a million others all spinning around
For we are all some Gods slave

JJB
Why are we asked to pray after a disaster? Hasn't god made it clear that he doesn't give a ****?  - Frankie Boyle

The most heinous and the must cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives - Ghandi

“In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true - Mark Twain

A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows - Mark Twain
Aug 2019 · 343
Oh, that's him in...?
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
Oh look, it's what's his name
He was in that thing with...
Corrie?
No, well he might have been
Oh, you mean on BBC one a few years ago
Yes
He played a copper along with Denis, oh, I forget
Waterman?
No, he was in the Sweeney
That was the Seventies
He's old enough
The Bill?
No, that was ITV
Well, you've lost me
Google it
Google what?
His name?
Well you don't know his name!
Oh I give up
Hopper?
On BBC one?
He might have been in a film
Hmm, maybe
Right...it must have been Dennis Waterman
I'm telling you, it's not Dennis Waterman
Well, I give up, and so does Google
(2 minute silence watching the programme)
I've got it! Bill Paterson
He looks nothing like Dennis Waterman!
Same age...ish
Your mad
(A shrug of the shoulders)
Right, I'm going out
Yeah...see'ya

Thinks to herself...Bill Paterson...I think he was in a film actually

Oh, that's him in...

JJB
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
Chasm
That's the space you want to fill
Looking out of the window whilst serving on the till
People buying those tickets for a load they only dream
Lotteries around the world letting off that mystic steam

Waiting
Maybe they'll pick you up that unknown multi millionaire
Living a life now in a dream without a single care
Your thoughts of a dramatic career basically now a flop
So why would that man of influence be shopping in co-op?

Dreaming
Looking at the Cava thinking its only cheap Champagne
What should I wear to Sharon's party as that top is now stained
Who's going to be there I suppose the usual bunch of boys
Then he pulled up in front of my door, a Silver Rolls Royce

Hello
Older but not by much he stumbles through, such a panic
Do you have anything to get this stain away from such fabric
Hot water, a good scrub as he ripped it off down to his tum
I took it, soap and then some, you'd be the kind of girl to meet my mum

Someday
Dried under the blower in the ladies toilet
I'm sure if I got with him he'd have my life summed up
So thankful he threw it on and told me I was his hero
I blushed, felt good for a while but then back down to zero

Again,

Someday

JJB
Aug 2019 · 123
Inside a Comics Head
John Bartholomew Aug 2019
So its audience first
Hello
Scan
A quick joke
Scan
Chat
A short story
A heckle
I heckle back
Can I make you feel any smaller
I'll get your name
Your my go too guy
Another story
Racist maybe?
To an extent
Where am I?
I'm up north
Should be OK
Swig of drink
Gather yourself
Joke
A look to the clock
2 minutes left
Last joke
Walk off
Slight wave
Sit in car
Cry
When does this get any better
Drive home
#repeat

JJB
Jul 2019 · 132
Unfinished Everything's
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
There once was a time when the time was now
Make this your plan, your goal, your forever be
But it lapsed
It'll come round again you say
Thinking of that smile and joy
Laughing because they actually liked you
But know its on relapse and that time is gone forever
Seize the minute, the hour, the non forgotten past
Embrace what it was and never let it go
You may meet again in a time when now is no good
Or hear a song reminding you of how they did sing
For there will always be,

Unfinished Everything's

JJB
Jul 2019 · 112
They Say...
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
They say you should always wear sun cream
They say you should always follow your dreams
They say you shouldn't drive to fast
They say you shouldn't swear but then I cannot be arsed

They reckon that times goes faster the older you get
They reckon that No.1 is always a safe bet
They reckon that we landed on the moon
They reckon that he didn't meet Mr Spoon

They are 'the they' but who the devil are they
They are the guiding light in whatever they ever say
They are the ones who told us there was some kind of God
They are the ones with wisdom but I would rather believe my dog

They say wise things but not always right
They say we cant live forever but I will always shine like a light
They say so much within the rules that we all live by
But I'm sick of what they always say as I walk on with a sigh,

Believe your own truth

JJB
Jul 2019 · 180
Life
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
Snap!
And there it all went
Life
In the crack of a bone
But I hadn't kissed the girl of my dreams
I hadn't scored that goal for my football team
Left or Right I never knew which way to lean
This cannot be that, it has to be more than it seems

Nope

So that's it. All gone. It's over?

Yep

But I had so much more to give!

Do it while you can then kid, cos you ain't coming back

****

JJB
Jul 2019 · 180
Angry Skies Above
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
That darkness, that coldness in the air
Today has been a bad day for us all
Never prepared for such shock all at once
A man so loved now gone without despair
The suddeness, so quick before our plans
His ideas a bloom and so plentiful
Taken in seconds from such a blow
He wandered, he thought, he drew
No replacing his thoughts played out in Manga, sometimes Disney too
For he was a closed book with thoughts of his own
A testament to nobody but a world now never shown,

as are

Angry Skies Above

JJB
Jul 2019 · 173
Angry (over a word)
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
Why?
Just one word
Why say it?
It bothers me
It grinds me
It engulfs me
And they know
Since school
In the pool
Those ignorant fools
Its so fickle
But its my pickle
A word so small
Its bigger than little
A whisper
In my right ear
A word to enrage
It brings me to fear

Just one word

JJB
Jul 2019 · 109
Show Me How You Run
John Bartholomew Jul 2019
That first step
A launch into the unknown
Who knows where it could lead
Life's predicaments all in your montage
Dreams of a dream we all had that once
It's a journey of an utter unknown
Could last for years or be over in the snap of a bone
So why do you predict a happy and fruitful life
I just want the best of whilst living as sharp as a knife
Smiling like a fruit-fly who is just here to have some fun
Watch me burn, watch me fly,
But most of all honey,
Show me how you run!!!
Jun 2019 · 1.1k
Remembering when...
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
Remembering when you thought 30 pound was a lot
Remembering when your mum would wipe your bot
Remembering when the World was big and pretty
Remembering when life was ace with nothing ever ******

Remembering when people were fun and playful
Remembering when nothing was a handful
Remembering when asking for a sleepover
Remembering when I shared with my dog Rover

Remembering when I couldn't spell my surname
Remembering when all I wanted was fame
Remembering when I first passed my test
Remembering when I thought my car was the best

Remembering when we first had our kids
Remembering when we took them on their first trip
Remembering when they both left High School
Remembering when they often played the fool

Remembering when I fell over in the garden
Remembering when this all first happened
Remembering when the van first took me to hospital
Remembering when the acceptance was futile

Remembering when I first forgot my wife's name
Remembering when that put me to shame
Remembering when the nurse then changed my sheets
Remembering when I was hoping for that last final heartbeat

JJB
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything. Jerry Lewis
Jun 2019 · 305
Being Me #paraplegic
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
A blink of an eye
That's how quick life can change
From free and easy
To medication, an uncontrollable bladder and to feeling almost queasy
A spinal trauma that went from tap onto snap
Laughing inside that thank God you're not like that
Now join the band where the view is now half the horizon
From standing up to sitting down with your legs permanently frozen
But these things happen although surely not to you
I used to enjoy my half an hour in the toilet, reading the paper and doing a poo
Now the procedure, the timings, the suppositories waiting to melt
Gloving up that hand and finger until it's time to smell that smell
Hey, thats now what I call life
It's a trauma, it's a story on an everyday basis
But would I change it back for the normal life?
Hell yeah, it's those long paper read poo's that I really miss!

JJB
Jun 2019 · 148
Destination: Home
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
Kicking around these parts of life
Its where you finish that matters
Travel the circumference of the world and nowhere counts
That smile and warm smell of where it engulfs you
Chatter, a taste, this is where I feel safe
A passing whiff of a well known must
Everything you love and fear, yeah that's the stuff
Waking with a slumber of never having any fear
Nights out with people you love, the taste of home made beer
It doesn't matter where you go this is the place where you've grown
From the Post Box on the street to the walls made of stone
This is the place you will always love,
Because this place,
Is home

JJB
“The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave, and it feels even better to come back.” - Anon

“Home is not a place…it’s a feeling.” - Anon
Jun 2019 · 245
Watching a Spider
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
Intricate in its shape
Its delicate pondering of its next right move
Chain of command always on the teeter
What it can eat and who is likely to feed it
Making a web to catch its innocent prey
Watching as it falters into the spiders dinner tray
Labelled as evil by any horror film made
A life of getting by and working hard, no badness does it make
As ugly as it was once crowned by a God with no commanding easel
Screamed at by plenty like the scratching of a trouser weasel
Be careful of the poor thing as its tiny in appearance
Its hanging in the corner doesn't want any interference
Just a life of getting on without the shaking and the shouting
Moving in measures not meant to get the human heart beating

For I am only,

Watching a Spider

JJB
Jun 2019 · 170
Regrets
John Bartholomew Jun 2019
There is always a place for regrets
To store them, to leave them
Come back to them when necessary
Sometimes their storage is a mistake
Remembering things you wish you'd never want too
Mistakes once said in the depths of an argument
Now you shudder for once speaking out of term
But that's what regrets are made to make you feel
A flippant remark or an unsought comment
Words on a text that they should never have seen
Taking them places they should never have been
As regrets,
We've had a few
Lets not make that mistake again labelled number two
Stepping back into that wrong sanctimonious queue
As now we know whats right and whats true,

Regrets

JJB
May 2019 · 114
The Killing of Mother Earth
John Bartholomew May 2019
They were around for maybe 100 thousand years
Killing beasts to survive with flint made into spears
Regurgitating themselves onto a higher plane each time
They claim to have had a God that lived above with light he did shine
And a son who some did meet from a book they seem to revel in
If you did not believe these truths then forever live in sin
From here they spread around the world to places far and wide
They believed in being together as husband with his bride
Churning up the natural land as their need grew ever stronger
Inventing things such as cars and planes and onto what they could ponder
This Earth's oils are now low from extract they had to filter
The bain of life they did not see now swallowing up all that aorta
Chaos and unforeseen destruction now the catalyst for mans end
For ****** the planet of its natural wealth is a price man must tend
As now it is a quiet sphere which bubbles at its own beauty
Seas and plants will kindly grow in a wealth of natural serenity
Vanished is the man that put this destruction into first gear
As the animals now live in world of motion no doubt in silent cheer

JJB
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