Just when did this time come, when it seems so apparent
As we were never self taught, by our guardian or our parent
That at some point it may look a mess
And from what we now see online, it's a something to address
Even in shops, such as Superdrug and Boots
It's on the man shelf, to shave how it should suit
As now the wife is comparing, to what she has seen in ****
We have never been so careful, not even cutting the front lawn
And it's not a point I'd like to take up with my local barber
I think I'll keep it to myself, a secret I can easily harbour
As who's going to know if we keep a big old bush
I'll just keep it as it is, as I'm in no manscape rush

JJB

Okay,
so pour me another and say that again?
Billions of people believe in a myth
A tale
A story
A fear to make them scared and tense
A belief with no actual evidence
A God so different to everybody else, starting war without sitting on the fence
And you want me to believe this?
Okay,
Pour me another and say that again...

JJB

This is a poem to the woman of whom I spoke
My words often inspire her, but sometimes make her choke
As we leave on a sad day from Sandy Conservative Club
He was a one and only, her sibling, her Thom, her bruv
Most of the poems I write should be deleted or thrown into a hole
But some words of encouragement are gratefully greeted,
and for this, I thank you Doll.

A Love of Letters

JJB

We all tick to a different tock
Couples match but some are odd socks
One loves opera the other heavy rock
From Indie Bripop onto hip-hop
Out on a Saturday,
She in jeans
Him in her frock
We all get on by any means given
And that's just it my friend
Got to enjoy the life we are livin'

Human

JJB

Guilty sleeping
Spent nights weeping
Thoughts constantly fleeting
Our last meeting
My heart still beating
Now broken and will need treating
As the songbird flies by
Your name, it will always be singing,

I miss you

JJB

Putting myself in situations that didn't really happen
Loving the fear
The non-fear
Too much gear
Brought down by an emotion
Crying over nothing
Sob sob
Weep weep
**** these ******* crocodile tears

It's hard to find a word that rhymes with the legend that is, Ron Burgandy
As that man lives a different life,
with his own selective philosophy
Men have a bigger brain than women,
And that is fact
But if you want to fight the News Team,
then watch them **** well react
Brian Fantana, Brick Tamland and Champion "Champ" Kind,  
They'll kick your *** and leave you with a sore behind
London Gentleman or Black Beards Delight
Those ladies deserve best, over which they'll probably fight
As these guys only wear the best, lets not be that chancer
It works 60% of the time, all the time, hell yeah, *** Panther
To sway these guys from the top, up steps Veronica Corningstone
Knowing how to rule the roost, and knock Ron from his thrown
Because, San Diego is a city that can only have one news team,
being proud of America's red, white and blue
And if you don't believe me, well, I will fight you...and thats no lie

Anchorman

JJB

The mantra of life is to be better than the rest
Trample on the weak
Rise above the meek
And to be the best
Sneer at those who are feeble
As you walk head held high
Laugh at those who fail from their try
You are king of your steeple
For life is not to be with the pitiful few
To buy what you want and just not browse
Have the gold not the debit card crowd
As I am,
Better than you

JJB

I don't mean to be rude or blunt,
but ship up or ship out,
and stop acting the **!

JJB

Sometimes I don't think she'll ever know, how much I really love her
The toil, the troubles, the mess I unravel, yet still, she is amazing,
I must concur
Her attention, and not to mention, her time always spent on,
Making sure that all must go well
The lump that I am, she could have thrown in the can, but stayed to make sure I survived
As the big day grew closer, I'm so glad that I chose her, to be my wife and today my bride
For we've been through so much together, and it's certainly been some life
I'm so glad I can say that you are my one,
my only,
My wife
❤️

Thank you Dee X

Today I was told we all sin in our lifetime
This from a priest at a funeral for a friend of mine
Of course we all have that insane illegal thought
But good parenting knows not to proactive what bad TV has taught
And then sometimes it clicks, that nasty, inner unknown switch
That unleashes some hidden stowaway evil gaddamn itch
Scratch scratch
Twitch twitch
Come on now and unleash that heady, now monstrous *****!

JJB

When i wake up, I don't know where I'm at
Alone, confused, gargled and rinsed, then swished and openly spat
No job, no life, my head a complete mess
Is life trying to test me, and conquer my personal stress
As I look at those mistakes I made,
and wish I could just press pause
For I am a useless being,
Living a life as a lost cause

#helpmeplease

JJB

I could speak to you tomorrow for an hour or two
See you next week and wouldn't know it was you
Any distinctions go right over my head
From a great big nose to something you said
You could stand out in the crowd
With a rainbow telling the world you are proud
But to me you are just another forgotten face
No recollection of time nor place
You could be the nicest of guys or a bit of a ****
No matter what, we should all wear a name tag

#IthinkIhaveaproblem

JJB

Records played, records sold, hard copy, not download
But the more I rattle on and raise my brow, I now sound really old
The pennies drop at the play of a song, mainly through Capitol Gold
Some still tour, Davies, Stewart and John
But no Rocketman could lift these boots, those days are long gone
Royalties from film now keep the bills ticking over
The price of fuel and heating costs, still driving my 2012 Range Rover
The odd bit of cash is always nice, if guest on Lorraine or The One Show
But I'm happy watching those days of the past,
as I have taken my last and final bow.

JJB

Any food to suit your taste
So always wear an elasticated waist
The calories pile as you seal your own fate
Christ I love it on a Sunday
The all you can eat extravaganza
Curry for breakfast followed by scones and tea
It says it in writing, eat all you can see
Leaving so full that will do you for the day
I'll be back same time next week,
at the all you can eat buffet

JJB

14 years under Tories rule
Cameron to Sunak with Johnson the bumbling fool
But now ruled by the Labour lot,
with waters promised much calmer
Raynor now craps the whip,
With her puppy dog, Sir Kier Starmer
A visit to King Charlie now head of the throne
His head now adorning stamps,
Soon on cash and any bank loan
But his real reason for this trip is to prepare for the King's speech
As we now have a fruitcake in charge with more faces than most,
Gentlemen and Squires, Lords and Ladies,
I give you,
The King's Peach 🍑

JJB

Sugar in the coffee ***
Serves it warm, I like it hot
Perhaps Costa or Neros and pay a higher fee
A greasy spoon the place to be
Not refined but just fine
No frothy Americanos or skinny on the milk
Tetleys all day long, washed down smooth as silk
Across the way, Comedy Store, new comics where the crowd pan you
All else fails, nip over the road, a hot slice of Ma's lasagne 
Builders sat in the corner, tea break and a laugh
All day fry-up,
the best in town,
only at,
Ma's Cafe

JJB

A new Government needed
The previous begged, borrowed and pleaded
New ground moved for the unseeded
As we all pick a brand new selection
For this country needs a buzz of momentum
Our borders currently open to bedlam
Do we stick with what we've got or move into new production
Sir Kier Starmer seems to have more faces than Big Ben
Angela Raynor holds his leash as she really is Mother Hen
Or do we give him another unelected go, our PM Mr Sunak
Some already crossed the line, as none really had his back
Surely not Ed Davey and his band of Liberal Democrats
Pulling daily stunts in the water, looking a bit of a prat
Because the polls show that none of us really know how to vote
Some thinking of leaving for good, by plane, train or by boat
As the general cencus seems to be,
no Government can resurge this land,
as this great Oak wither's into a poisoned tree
But whoever does gain power, please put fuel into our fire and make it pretty quick
As we as a once great nation, are feeling tired and low,
and I hate to say it, becoming almost sick

#whichboxdoitick

JJB

You can write away until your hearts content
Looking at those words that you wish you had not sent
But my heart is broken not laying down dead
I will find solace and happiness is some others loving bed
A lapse in time is all you sadly were
As I tell my heart and my head and on this we can concur
Our severed love is not a chopped down tree
As I still have life and words will not **** me

JJB

Living out of bags thrown on the floor
Different numbered doors on every tour
Rolling up my baccy to release the stress
These band days are over, oh what a mess
Loading amps from Orange onto a Marshall 
Setting up the phone, the singer a two-timing rascal
Soon to hit the papers, from The Sun and onto the Fleet
Pregnancy is something you just can't keep discreet 
The rows will soon tear this love apart 
Now kipping on the bus where the guy's belch and often ****
These days will soon be over, give me my kids and a day in the park 
As life on the road could soon be a non-start
Just one more tour
A quick line to secretly score
As years of carrying this load really has left me quite sore

Roadie

JJB

I ponder the fact if I am man-made
If God lost his plans and I was part of the trade
Here you go computer brain, have a go on this
See if you can upgrade here, an upload from my GCSE brain list
You see, we download our knowing from everything we see
From TV programmes, Netflix, and the BBC
Onto our time at school and our parent's philosophy
Why study if I am DNA-made, who needs trigonometry
Then again, are my parents just an implant of imagination
Are my emotions really real, such as love and frustration
As I watch the news and the world as a nation
All governed by robots on a far away station
And to think, they'd even let me think this speculation
...
Wow
Am I different and the last man on Earth
Allowed to write this drivel as mother was the last to have given birth
Have I broken the code they did not want us to see
Or maybe thats it, the last man to haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa­aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavu;iogbo'ubou'bipbipbipoub
buo
uhbo;ugb
'ougb;i­uv
kjvb;iuvv
bkiuvbyvyyvvviy
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!!­

JJB

Hunting like a velociraptor
Easy prey to bed and capture
Decent of man in the realm of a no good
Devouring the weak like a ***** given free food
Snarling like a lion on the bones of his carcass
The weak lay still,
out talked by this circus
This kind of man kills all will and promised light
To the bewildered and weak,
who have given up on they're daily fight

JJB

If I won the lottery, I'd be a big spend winner 
Flash cars, piano bars, and no doubt a terrible sinner
If I counted every pound I had spent
I'd now be a millionaire without a **** care
If I had asked that girl out at school how would my life be different
Live the life I lived or taken to the cleaners and now be poor and skint
If I had taken up acting would I have been the best James Bond
Surrounded by fame and the pick of any black, brunette or blonde
If I had eaten my veg would I have grown up a little bit taller
Or are these just tales of our parents with dated foods in the cooler
If I hadnt taken time with my trade and learnt on the tools
Instead of spending a pound and winning the pools
If it all just ended now, I think I would be happy
Not in some retirement home, surrounded by sick and adult nappies
If
If
If
If I didnt have such a typing stutter
I could have done something in this time that probably, and really, matters.

JJB

Money means no manners when it comes to lifetime matters
Cake slice, some tea, drank with a China Pennyroyal cup
Yet still finds the audacity to leave the toilet seat left up
Not even a lift of the finger when let go at a turn
Just screeches off, no cares in the world, as those Lamborghini tyres burn
A click of the finger to summon the passing waitress
Casually dressed at his father's wake, not even his Sunday best
The wife scurries around, a family day out, trying to keep order to their brood
As he just sits back, glass of wine in hand, wallowing in richness he doesn't even find rude...
Cheers! 🥂

JJB

HEADLINE NEWS!

That first glance catches the eye
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
Rarely too happy, a story to make us cry
GET YA STORIES HERE!
Could catch us out in more ways than one
A terrorist plot or some fool just having fun
We soldier on, our face in the cracks
Ignoring what he says from the media hacks
But a quick peep up and you see the most beautiful face
On the front of a chinwag, you really are to my taste
Without meeting I would do as I am told
As you are the most beautiful of beings,
and definitely,
Above the Fold

JJB

Kids don't care what you look like in the morning
Your hairs a state, you're running late, and the toast is taking up a good time yawning
Kids don't care if their dinners mostly ****
The beans are cold, they'll do as they're told
As long as they can play with Monster Truck
Kids don't care if they missed that role as cameo
Just to play in the park, until it gets dark
Straight home for sausage and mashed potato
You see, Kids don't care if playing and just happy
A quick game of tag, whilst mum's chat with a ***
Then off to bed after watching a bit of telly,
Because...
Life is simple in the eyes of a child
It's as we grow older
We complicate the wonder for the monotonous working wild

JJB

Drinking straight from the vine
No supermarket could source such fresh, delicious, wine
The sun has a haze that could never be indulgent
As life has no more mystery, my release just problem solvent
The trees now making shade,
In a garden just heaven made
Two classic convertibles sat waiting in the barn
A drive up the coast when the sun hits high, and tell tales of my jealous yarns
I sometimes think back to when I lived under Queen and country
But miss nothing of what it became,
God bless the King and dear old Blighty...

Cheers 🍷

JJB

Make of those four letters, what you will
It's just about swallowing the bitterest pill
People don't like another opinion to theirs 
It's about moving the easiest of chairs
I have been told I need to have a word with myself 
Because I don't like the simple option straight off the shelf
Life is about being different and standing strong in what you believe 
Not nodding yes, that'll do, and just taking what you receive 
For I don't ever mean to rock the boat, baby
It's just a case of staying put, don't give in,
And not go along with the ifs, buts, and maybes

JJB

Stood at the school gate waiting for your child
The parents mostly chatty but the odd one is overly wild
You know whose kid that is as it's probably that horrible little ####
His twin is almost the same, a litter of 2 gobby runts
And as the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
The mother with her roll-up ****, yellow fingertip's, a necessity 
Father on the dole, looking for work, a lie he often pledges 
Smokes cheap baccy, Rizla style, far cry from his Benson and Hedges
Yet they turn up in brand new trainers and all designer clobber
While you struggle day to day and wondered why you even bother
As the world breeds these people daily and I don't mean to be blunt
But they are what they are and to be seen a mile off
They're just a family of ####'s

JJB