history of want
desire deep in her breath
"say you need me too"

he called her his
constellation
& set her up in
the sky
with care and precision

she fell anyway
in all those little bits
& pieces of stars
but it was far more
magnificent
than anyone could have
hoped for
in her demise

a piece of her landed
in my backyard
& when she cooled off
I picked her up

she was so lonely
& had been that way
for a time

"don't cry,"
I said with conviction.
"I can keep you
forever
if you'd like."

a smile crept upon
her lips
like sullied
enchantment

"oh honey,
I've seen forever

it is endless
endless
& annoying as
hell."

They took me back to 1967
Where I was
A raging narcoleptic
& a traveling belly dancer
For the Indian circus
A closet anti-war revolutionist,
You met me
In the dust storm of the
Reenactment of
History in the making
I think at first I only
Liked you
Because we'd had the
Same dream
About elephants and
Talking stars
Could you have loved me then?

the weather starts to turn
her eyes start to open
a bit
from the retreating sun
the prairie starts to cool down
& she looks around
to catch his gaze in the
strangest way

like he'd been looking for her

heart pulsing like
a nightmare dream
she pretended to be invisible
& ran back into the
trees
he followed to the other
clearing
hoping she'd be
nearing


but oh



she kept on
running




she'll never see the
beauty of
burning eyes into the
back of her hair


& he'll never have to wonder
if he ever played
fair

it had become
quite clear
that her escape plan
lacked ingenuity
when she was drafted into
the coldest war in
her history,
her only armor
being her
slow, simmering
rage

but not a single weapon of
words

it was the cool,
unseasonable August breeze
that crept into the nape
of her neck
warning her to
speak not


for the art of effort
is poetry
alone

she recalled of her life she
spent
living in the well
time spent counting
bricks
days past breathing
hell

she'll start to climb
every now and again
but she'll always
get caught
wrapped up in the
promises
& lies that she
bought

"lift me up"
she weakly cried
to the king
but he never dared
look down
upon the brittle useless
queen
& her burden-weighted
crown

the winter's past
the sun is
high
& the summer children
sing of all we've
known



I promise one
day
you'll make your mark
& never
dream alone

here she is
running on hard-boiled
fear
coupled with passive
adrenaline
bubbling underneath the
surface

they're playing the
final round
& he hasn't got a
clue
for the moment when she
very well should have
erupted
in a fit of fed up
pent up anguish
she kept quiet
as the dead
& began to plot
the great
escape

she put herself on
the high wire
with nothing but the
clothes on her back
a fifth of tequila at her hip
& a knife in her teeth

"we're gonna make it
out of this hell
one way
or
another"
she said as she was
more than 500 feet
from jagged
glass encrusted death
in a river of
uncertainty
& last minute decisions
that all seem to
revolve
around the full
acknowledgment of
the fact
that's he's a no good
two-timing
holier-than-thou ****



dear jesus



I hope it isn't windy
tomorrow

oh oh oh
carnal instincts are beckoning
give it one last try
he saw you in the proper moonlight
he saw your hopes die

its drawing him in

I wonder if he knows
I wonder if he feels
deep blood drawn in the shallow end
throwing rocks at muddy water
the taste of his bare skin

curiosity crests just before
the dawn

& if you take the slightest peek
my dear
you can bet
he'll soon
be




gone

she dreamed of sweet
& beautiful
things
skipping across planets
kissing the
stars
as they passed her by


she drank herself
dizzy
from hollow asteroids
& stumbled into
the arms of a celestial
king


every so often when
her eyelids would
flutter
& she felt time move
ever so slowly
she'd realize the gist
& jest of it all
waking to find her hands
tied as she dangled
from the ceiling
***** feet scraping the floor


morphine dreaming


the genie appeared
not a smile in his gaze
but a sick
satisfaction
& asked her for the third and
final wish

"where am I?"
she whispered, vocally
& spiritually
drained

he pressed his
brittle lips
to her
trembling forehead
"sleep"
he said
as he drank the blood
from her bare
pale neck


& under she went
above to the
stars


home sweet home

how can I
set you

free


& still keep you?

she had dreams about the world
coming to an end
but she quickly forgot them
as she never cared for
final farewells




for the first time in years
she wasn't afraid to walk through
the damp and ***** earth
past the train tracks
for a taste of true beauty
if only you'd been there to see




she longs to sleep underneath the sky
she longs for stolen breath
that cleverly crafted first move
whether it be a look
a touch
a kiss
hell, even a word
to stop her lungs for just an instant




speak of all that's unforgiving
in this land
speak of your hands
upon her thighs
she'll promise to keep it
between you
the earth
& all the stars

the clock looms above me
& ticks into my
blood

they say when you feel
"empty"
you should have
another one

but when fortune would
not have me,
fate took me by
my hand

they said when you feel
"empty"
you should find a place
to land

but fate's intangible
grasp; it tricked
me--
led me down a
cursed path

they whispered if you're
"empty"
you should use some of
that wrath

now I stay inside my
chamber
pleading, sobbing for
love lost

they say when you feel
"empty"
you're probably paying
a cost

but I still sing into
the autumn wind;
my soul its
melody


I said I feel so
"empty"

dear gods please
just let me
be.

he has a smile






that could make
Aphrodite's
knees tremble

I remember you were
calm
once the ashes were
long gone
& I never gave notice
'cause all I ever noticed was
all wrong

worn out matchbooks
& wildfire eyes
steadily fixed upon the glow
I've come to borrow
from the
sky

I'll find rest in my
burdens
I'll find vitality in my
fate
& the air you've lent to my
aching lungs
is the life I shall
create

you underestimate
my adoration

if you were a criminal
I'd be your Bonnie
without question

are you a criminal?
I could see it through your
hands
but never your heart
you'd think they were oil
& water
the way you play

oh, can you play


but I'm singing out secrets
& you don't like a rat
you said "you're quiet like a
mouse
& you'll guide me through
this maze"
you were dizzy and drunk
& you touched me far too much
in the kindest ways, never obscene
it was far too much
& never quite enough



the dreams never end
& I wake up with
wanting

revenge
is a dish that is best served
cold
& I've got mine on the
r o c k s
eagerly awaiting his lingering
taste
of my bittersweet
*victory

suffice it to say
I feel unseasonably
confined

tomorrow the sun
will rise
& the ships will
dance on the
ever-shifting horizon

but I will not see them

you will wake in
your world
& not have a single thought
of me

I am too far from the sea

& I wonder if it
bothers him
too
that I might one day
set sail on the wheels of
my '97 Ford Taurus
& never return

anchored upon land
is what I am



but the horizon
draws near




as you sleep in your world
& wake in my harbor




won't you please
think of me?

losing it again
& again
left with only
wanting
I roamed the aisles
no track of time
no sign of life

anticipation like sunrise
he lit up the horizon
& my heart rose
to greet
the boy in black
the subject of my eight year
melodrama
so dark today
but his smile just
like heaven
just like always
he had found me at
long last
how many weeks had
it been
since he graced
my weary
eyes?

"How are you doing?"
my knee-**** reaction
was to always tell him I'm well
but the way he stared
so quietly
told me I'd been caught


I correct myself
with a sigh
& a smile

"I'll be okay."

he had a mad
sort of obsession
with colliding
two pieces of music
that had very little in
common
other than noise

the dissonance was often
unreal
shrill and menacing
clashed and unfocused
like four thousand conversations
all taking place in a
shoebox
that was nailed shut by his
merciless hands

"I can't think with all this
*******
sound,"
she shrieked from the
couch one day

"Precisely, darling.
I have always measured it
that way."

where the **** is she?
how long does it take to get three things at the store?
finally, there she is.
thanks, now I'm going to be late for work!
& I don't even have time to eat now.
there was a long line?
sure there was.

sure, whatever I'll take a sandwich
uh, why are you trying to hand this to me?
I'm getting ready for work
where the **** is my shirt?
what do you mean you don't know?
you had to have moved it
its never where I put it
are you ******* kidding me?
why would you set the sandwich on the couch?
that's just stupid

did you see how much gas was left in the car?
WONDERFUL now I'm gonna be even more late
it doesn't matter if you were in a hurry, you could have checked

oh my shirt was by my chair where I left it
okay, so that was ONE thing you didn't do wrong today
& I'm still the one with a job!
you don't try hard enough to get one
tell me how you do
tell me





tell me

The all-clear has
Been given
& the sun has fully
Risen
To reveal the blotched red
Face of another
Sorry aching
From which escape seems
Almost improbable
So I'll gladly clip my
Wings
& settle down in my
Depth
& debt of all the
Forgiving
That has been long spent
& wasted upon you
For I cannot see myself ever
Truly abandoning
My sleep
As you continue to
Remind me
In all this bitter forsaken *******
Glory
That this war in my head
Will never end
& the ashes will never
Part
& the drinks
Oh, the drinks will be
My only friend
When you are no longer allowed
To be
& all that's been so
Lost
& forgotten
Has come to stake its claim
in my bitter
skin & bone
When you whisper of my
beauty
& I cannot say
goodbye.

the drought has taken her
clever words
& scattered them in the
dust

there's no life out here
the winter kills
& the summer kills
leaving us
with warm, briefly pleasant
intermissions

wait for me by the shore







I gotta get the **** out of Dodge

we got into it about me going to visit my mother on Friday
he said that my mother
& all of my friends in Cedar Vale
are a bad influence on
our son and he doesn't want me
going there
& that it didn't matter if I loved them
because they treat me
like ****

all of my friends do, did
you know that?
because no one ever comes to see me
so that means that nobody loves me
except for him
of course


'cause you always tell someone
you love
that you'd leave her if she ever
got pregnant again

that the way she behaves is
stupid *******
that her panic attacks are
stupid *******
& you yell in her face and
corner her
as she starts to have one
& she cries and gasps and cries


then she opens the window to breathe in
the cool stormy night
& breathes out


"This conversation is over until we have a mediator. That is final."

"Those birds have been

Flying through here

For five

Minutes.

I sat in my car

& watched

Them pass by

Because

I was too afraid

To go inside."

"I love you more than

Anything

In this world."

& then five minutes didn't

Mean so much

To the world anymore

& she should have sat in her

Car just a bit

Longer

& maybe once its

Warmer

She won't have to

Remember

& there are always times

When you don't know

What you're saying

"Yes," to

Perhaps the silk evening

Gown was filled with a little

More purpose

Then she felt comfortable

With

& we all knew where the

Train lead to this

Time when

We would wait for

Hours

Until it passed

& this will

Pass

If she wills it

To.

swept underneath tide
horror ride
lungs salted
screaming
& tried

they'll never know what
broke her
for each story has a
side


but there'll be those few
feeling fellows
who could read her
through a
sigh


breath flow like
pen to paper
so carefully applied


my dear, how much
did you bleed
out

to let them know
you died?

it's mad season here
& the trolley's
on fire;
her follies were not
strong enough
to keep the car on
the wire

the paintings have
chipped,
much akin to her
mentality
all senses long
since flown
as she broke from
her reality

"it's hell here on
this earth,"
she whispered to
the storm
but on it raged
& on it raged
with no hope yet to
be formed


& she could never quite
forget about
Mars

"the lightning may strike,
my love;
but someday it will all
be ours."

take a sip
take a breath
make a deal
& prepare to face
your depth

we've been dancing on
the fault line for
weeks
the earth crackles
beneath my
toes
& all you've left to
give me
is nowhere else
to go


hell is the earth on
which we've chosen to
live
& all my worldly desires
you can't want
or care to
give

city in ruins
acid green night sky
flames in skyscraper windows
the flakes of ashes
filtering the staunch air
if you breathe in you can
taste the souls of the dearly
& painfully departed

I roamed the underground
silent subway system
in search of an easy ****
long black coat trailing my
fast-paced footfalls

dried blood smeared on a
restroom door
the smell no longer made
me sick
I throw it open
& step inside
the room reeked of
sweat and vile
death
the hair rose on my skin
as I faced the mirror
to greet my weary, shadowy-eyed
reflection

it was then that I saw the
pair of yellow eyes
watching me
& before either of us
could blink
I hurled my dagger at
the corner ceiling above the
empty stalls
spearing the small winged
demon
it fell to the floor in a heap
of rotting dust

there was no time for me
to react
when a figure burst through
the doorway
a dark-skinned girl with
long braids
who didn't catch my gaze
as she slammed her
purse on the filthy counter top
& began to apply her
makeup

"What are you doing here?"
I asked the young woman
stunned at her nonchalance
she never once stopped
moving the pink brush against
her skin

"Gotta go to work,"
she said briskly
as if the whole doomsday planet
was a waste of her
time

I had forgotten there were still
people living in
hell
who bothered to look
pretty



I said no more
& went on my
way

my 30 gb iPod

the garter from my senior prom

a tiny golden cross that had
faith & hope
inscribed into it

the base to my son's car seat

& his monkey mirror

my husband's suit jacket

& seven years of my
life written into
various paper journals
with colored covers



these were all stolen in the
first car I ever owned

her name was Lydia
"She was the most glorious creature
under the sun."

that comes from a
Groucho Marx song if
you didn't know

my Papa used to sing it to
me all the time

anywho

she was a 2000 Dodge Neon
painted black

two stickers on the back
"COEXIST"
and
"SUPPORT THE ARTS
KISS A MUSICIAN"

I got her my first year
of college from
a man who's like a father
to me

we've been through many a
busted radiator hose
& flat tire

last summer my husband was on his way
to work when Lydia gave out on him
so he left her at the side of K-15 and MacArthur
in Wichita
& told the cops not to tow her away
'cause he'd be back for her

when he returned after his shift
she was gone
nowhere to be found
a vanishing act of pure mental hell
& unanswered questions
to this day



I miss her terribly.

come and dive into my
aching bedspread
& I promise I'll give you
room for a proper
rest

your chest is pulsing
symphonies
in coordination with my
left breast

& your tongue is ever
as clever as
the weather of which
I possess

I hope that one day
you'll believe my
breathless
finesse



& I'll kiss the pain
and pleasure from
the aching in
your chest

the cover of my journal is
*****, worn with the flavor of
mandarin oranges
I have only owned it since
Christmas

I am never careful with my
personal belongings

broke the right earpiece
clean off my headphones
my left side drowns in the
silly detailed grungy
love songs
my right side listens for
the babe

broke my laptop last week
the corner hit the floor
if I keep it completely still
on the dining table
it won't shut off at
random

broke a small piece off my
food stamp card
it still works most of the time
& I'm too lazy to call them for a
new one

broke my heart trillions of times
broke eight different men
bound to break another

walked this earth for almost
twenty-two years
& I **** well managed to
break everything
but my bones

a warm summer night
breathed a tangled youth
along her skin
& an old familiar ache
that could never be
eviscerated

a few acoustic lines
cleverly crafted as they sat
side by side
on the old store shelves
the silence in between
chords
amplified the desire
& all that to this day has been left
unsaid

he stopped playing
a sudden thought swept him over
she becomes tense
the wait begins
what can he say that I will
forever replay in my
troubled mind?

he leans in
a deep breath

"you smell lovely."




a frequently uttered phrase
that should have no meaning
but she'll carry it with her
until she's withered
& wasted
along with all those messy
perfume bottles


play it again
please

the past
has long passed





& its all undone, baby

the sky was red with
your pain
when you thought it
wouldn't show
you tried so hard to
reach out to me
& my god,
I didn't know

I'd fight Him just to go
back to that May
in the center
of my living room;
on that very
last day
I'd give anything to
change the tune...
of when you begged me
to let you stay


honey, this cannot be
the way

to ever wish you
happy birthday


but it sinks into
my skin
just as our son's eyes
do when he gleams
your inherited
grin

of why life was a choice
for you
I will never
comprehend

but I'll hope you're
forever proud
of us
& the way we've
kept our
end


until we meet
again

she dreamed your lips were
warm this time
with trust
& the blue of
summer's sky that
was never deep enough
for her concern


while he was beginning to
appreciate the idea of
stealing stars
she began spinning
& fell in the opposite
direction
to say that theft
was not her style


she didn't mind much
about letting it all be
broken
for she hated the word


her coffee was closer to
black today
because she secretly craved
the antithesis



when dreams were far more
fickle
than her gentle tongue

I heard a man
cry out one
day,

"for what reason
does she
burn?"

& thought if the poor soul
had to ask

he'll be sorry when
he learns

for from that depth
one never quite

returns

I gave up the
ghost of my pencil
for a few months
to try
& practice a bit
of the art of
sanity

with a few dashes
of subtlety

my dreaming palace
will not climb
any stairs
today

& his lips will be
as soft as when
I know that I’ll be
lonely

𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘦
𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢

the search of true
summer

with his heart on my
bare sleeve…

you swallow
sunlight
& no matter how low
your expression
rests
I will always see you
shining
climbing the highest
pines
in our pitch black
hell forest
trying to find me in
the slip from
deep within your chest
& its fierce desire
for youth

I can hear it in
the way you
laugh
when we're alone

I can hear it in
my shallow breath
& the taste
of your cologne

the way you move
your hands
is next to godliness



& I would sell
my soul
sweet dear


to forever be their
witness

I'm
flipping a coin
for the east
& the
west

stuck in the
middle
in the midwestern
agony
& I'm not even
ready for
sleep

I've only been to South
Carolina
as far as palm trees go
but I'd love to see Florida
& even California
someday

I feel like I was born for
them
if only to parade
around
half-naked
with my hair down
& twisted in one
hand

a drink in the other

will you still be around for
last call?

we never run on the same time

I'm not even tired
just tired
of
the plains
& the way it feels cold
& looks gray
for far too
long

not even tired
so I'll sing myself
away

there are two
libras
(or were they wolves?)
there is a fight inside
of me

which one do I have
courage to
starve
& which one do I
feed?


down this gravel
I know I've
been
so frequently
before

do I walk
stability
or one that's
been at
war?


felt I have the
loving hands
of the former's gentle
grace

but touched was I
by the latter's wit
& the dreams
of his embrace


there are two
libras
(they might be wolves)
that follow me
today

the one the wind
will always
love


& the one it
cast away

Today

She wore shoes

She swore

She'd never wear

Again

& Laid *******

On the

Flower petals

For balance

To make sure they

Knew what they

Were doing

"You're wrong in all

The good ways"

She promised

Herself

& though her plight

Won't be as

Fancy

As yours

She'll wear the heels

To bear it

Enough will be

Enough

With common words

& petty foreplay

Perhaps she won't mind

The wind

No, she doesn't mind

The rain

If it falls in proper

Season

& doesn't smear

Her lipstick

She'll call it the

"Summer of Dreams"

& she'll leave it on

Your doorstep

For you to

Follow her on her

Way out of

Reason.

there exists not much else
I could beg for other
than the sight of
his candle-lit
skin
draped sparsely
with sheets

a sculpture in
waiting
a Romanian
king
blessed with the full lips
of all that monarchy
brings

I would roll in gold
with him
just as I have rolled in
dirt


I shall never part his
side



even underneath
the earth

you live to chase
s
        t
               o
          r
     m
s





I live to chase                              
                                             y
                                                     o
                                                               u.

the very lack of
self-discipline
that I seem to possess
just so happens to be the most
evil
of my demons
I don't think I made
a single ******
important phone call in
a week or five
& they all keep piling up
on my do-not-wish
list
I'm giving up my
voice
for Lent this year
& I ain't the slightest bit
religious
but I still pray for
my baby
& he can still outshine
the happiest sun
with his tiny teeth and
stubborn wit
may the little man
keep on
keepin' on
for the rest of eternity
while his mama
practices jumping back
in time
to catch her breath
& remember what it was like
to be the sun
and
never even
notice.

She lives on a cloud
Where some days
She cannot even be bothered
To breathe.
The warm sun
Embraces
& shies away
All hope of closed blinds
Drawn shades
& the subtlety of
Her silk endowed Sunday best.
She’d **** for a
Cigarette
But cigarettes ****
& her heart is in the
Business of life,
Brother
& she can no longer afford
To cough it out.
You forget how bright
The trees were that summer
Until they vanish for
Five months
& the sound of them
Singing
Becomes a foreign
Elegy
For every day you
Tried to remember exactly
The way he smiled
At you.

she emerged from the
small home
into the thick
late afternoon air
she could feel a storm
in the close
brewing just along
the tips of her
fingers
obscuring the horizon
looking up for a
while
she daydreamed of
happier things

like the way lightning
looks
in darkened shades
an arm around her
shoulder
& a glass of pink
champagne

a beating heart
within her head

but it all ends up with
rain instead

tell her tall tales
& she won't worry of
your height

unless you are the monster
she's been dreaming of
at night

I
had
a
poem
written
specifically
for
the
horror
that
has
been
to­day

but it doesn't matter

nothing changes

unless I make it change

& I can't through this

so what's gonna help?


he told his own son today he didn't want him anymore

he said he writes
like Bukowski





he doesn't even *drink

it was the calm before
the summer storm
when their lips
met
now the smell of the
warm rain
would forever be associated
with him,
she thought
another ****** memento

to hell with it

she let those courageous
hands
make their journey
across nervous flesh and
bone
& sighed when he
promised
to be gentle
their hips would crash
together as
waves in a sea of
angry passion

she thought to remind herself
to wear that dress
every day
for the rest of her
golden life

I have nothing to write about
when I'm angry
just many colorless words to
speak at anyone with
open ears
I ought to be banished
from anything with a "send" button
when I am this way

she said his shirt
matched his eyes
when we both caught up
with him
my dear friend was notorious
for speaking nervously around him
when we both knew it was
me harboring all the
anxiety
well, they both match the
color of the only decent pen I could
find in hopes of masking my
own indecency

I have loved so wrongly
in this world
& will continue to do so
until my limbs bend and break
in the gusts of my
wrongdoing

the way he stares at me
through pictures
is enough for me to carve out
my beating heart
& offer it to him on a
silver platter
garnished with my bones

& he will never know

'cause poetry is so forlorn in
conversation these days
& I was never any
good at talking small
so why talk
at all?

when I can stare
& cry over silly pictures
of a silly man
who knows not what the color
of blue
can do
to silly girls
like me