I started going to church when I was
about seven years old
when my papa was still
alive
I remember because he's the one
who dropped me off there
for summer camp
I think that was one of the
last moments
we spent alone with each other
before he died

I wish I could remember whatever
he might have said to me

Anyhow
I went to this church until I was about
fourteen years old
then they fired our youth pastor
for reasons I'll never know
but everyone will have some sort
of answer for
because this is a small town
& everyone is in trouble
for some misdeed

I started listening to rock music
& dressing in nothing but
black

oh the look on the face of every
respectable adult in this
withering town
I could have painted them all
petrified
but it didn't matter
because that's the year I met
some great long-term
friends
& we would have many
drinks and
dark stories to tell each other
later

I never attend that church anymore
but I got married in another one
& the pastor shared our last
name even though we
weren't related

my sister-in-law tells me he reminds her
of the fake plastic Tim Allen Santa

I wonder when I'll ever
fall asleep

I was chewing on
one of the
broken
guitar strings
pondering a glorious
flight
to a faraway land
when you looked at me
& said
"that's bad for your teeth."

"I already got bad teeth,"
I say.
I fold the string with my
tongue.

"whatever, Jessie."

whatever.
where ever

ever there?


always here.

okay

every so often
I'll get these completely
random
bursts of courage and hope
& I have to write them down
or they will float away
in the forgotten land of things
I should have done

if I can't work with diligence
to better myself
& do things that make me smile
none of this will improve
& I'll keep waking
without the desire to
soar

the spring will help
the sun will help
but I fear they might not arrive
in a timely fashion


I have to keep remembering that
there are actually people
in this world
who love me and find me quite
bearable

its all I can do to keep from
sinking into the floor
& screaming into the
flat blue carpet

thank you for your time