Why is it that with you I feel so lost?
Without you so alone.
I found pieces of myself in you,
But only you can put them together.
Nothing makes sense without you,
and yet in you am a mess.
A barely lucid air head.

I find myself looking for more.
It feels like a passing whim to be here,
and let you build me.
I dream of forever and a day,
I hope for hours in your embrace.

I am lost,
But you find me each time.
I cry for you,
and you hold me near.
I think its my curse,
and destiny too.
To need you.

At some point                                                            ­                             I miss him.
along the line                                                             ­                      I haven't slept.
my thoughts changed.                               I can't remember how to be happy.
As nothing progressed                                        I can't escape from my head.
and I began                                        My nights belong to the nightmares.
to feel at home here                                                           I haven't slept.
the stillness                                                        ­                                   I miss him.
trickled into my head.                                                                        He's dead.
It's such a little change                                       I can't stop looking for him.
but now                                               I don't know how to deal with this.
the landscape is colored                                 I don't enjoy being alive.
with unfulfilled waiting,                                                                         He's dead.
unmet expectations                                                                          I'm not dead.
excuses.                                                                                        I still miss him.
The sharp brightness                                                         I still haven't slept.
of the initial pain                         I still can't remember how to be happy.
(and I had never felt so alive)          I still can't escape from my head.
fades to dull colors.      My nights still belong to the nightmares.
My eyes don't burn                                   I still haven't slept.
anymore.                                                 ­  I still miss him.
Maybe I don't have to run.                He's still dead.
I can just embrace this;          I still can't stop looking for him.
this stillness          I still don't know how to deal with this.
stop expecting             I still don't enjoy being alive.
stop waiting.                           He's still dead.
And in that case...I'm still not dead.
                  *Why not?

There'll be times when you feel like the road you're walking on
takes you back to an ocean of your Unsaid words...
and while there, a giant wave of nostalgia drowns you
In the form of 'could've-beens',  'would've-beens'  and  'should've beens'...
They're the sharks. Real killers!


Splash of regrets, ripples of anguish,
and the strong current of resentment
toss you around in a nauseating surge.

You float aimlessly, swirling, disoriented
while admiring the beauty of delusion.
But it suffocates you and before you realize it,
you've gone too far to swim away from the whirlpool...
and as you swim with all your might,
the body of water turns into a quicksand..
slowly devours the 'you' who has learned to live in the present,
Disillusioned.

Have you not already made your choice?
Have you not stopped the fight long before?
Have you not let it go?
When you had your chance...
When you could've turned things around
''Speak now...or forever hold your peace...''

You picked the latter.
Live with it, idiot!

I love how quickly we just fell into place
like nothing happened,
like a year of nothing, a year of void space
didn't get in between.

I love how natural we can be
after that long miserable gap
and how I know I should feel
a little pretense--a tiny fakeness
but there was none of it.

I love how easy we fall into step
like we've been swaying to the same song
a thousand of times
in our shared separate universe
with each other--like we never even left.

I love our alternate universe
and how it still existed
waiting for us,
knowing that we would fall
like missing puzzle pieces
and it did fell in the right places,
making it seem whole.

and I love how the continuity
of what we had and now have
felt infinite and somehow real
and promising and that the idea imprinted on
a beyondness in the future.

but I do not love
how I could not forget
how I was left expecting
--no, assuming of what could've happened
on the miserable gap
because I am afraid that it would've changed
every. little. thing.

I do not love
how a simple little thing
stood between us like a wall
that got thicker and thicker,
piled with red hard bricks
and along the linings of our hearts,
a tinge of uncertainty had ensued.

alas I do not love
how quickly you bounced back in my life
thinking you could just walk into that wall
without even asking, without trying hard
you crossed that wall that easy
like snapping your fingers
or clapping your hands.

I do not love
how you chose now instead of then,
instead of yesterday,
or the day before that,
or the month before that day
or the next day when you decided to disappear.

and I do not love
how quickly I let you in
how I decided that i should still hold on
how I responded, shaking off the hesitation,
brushing off the doubts,
letting you fill me again
with that light only you radiate.

I just want to throw in the sack,
don’t want to get back on track,
flap jack, slap it on up
and saddle on
sick of this race,
since long ago
my lethargy has shifted
to let-it-go,
go with the flow,
don’t let things get to you that much
coz thoughts shift at such a rush,
every updated status
makes you so outdated,
Oh wait, you’re here?
We’re glad you made it,
and no time to let this all soak in,
off we go on another whim,
are you worried what you’re saying?
It’s all right, just fake it,
are you getting nervous?
Imagine the audience naked,
and if you can't smoke it, bake it,
just to take it,
anyway you can,
because people clang, clang, clang on
and everyone’s right
nobody's wrong,
Everyone’s dressed in hard-ons
running along for their next ****,
kind of makes me thank God
when the electricity cuts,
because for at least two seconds
everything stops.

And we breathe,
and look around,
and wonder,
how’d I get here in the first place?

But not first place,
we popped out and joined the rat race,
and it takes a while to figure out
how to move at our own pace.
Hard not to get caught
up in the glitz and glamour
of it all,
in the identities and
stereotypes we can perform,
they said we could be anyone
we wanted to be, and somehow
it's to my benefit that I should be me?

You see, it wasn’t always like that.

For a long time this forum didn’t exist,
(and still doesn’t for a list of your neighbors.)
Do them a favor, recognize.
Stop criti-size-ing what we
don’t know, so much easier to sit in the back
puffing on homegrown, so much easier to
point fingers and scream “I told you so!”

Yes, we know.

But even if you do the world carries on.
Stay calm,

It waits for no one.

Who knows?

Maybe someday your bones will be
what life is made of.