I can't remember the last time i had a real smile.
I lost it somewhere back in 2007.
It hitched a ride on the back of someone's fist and was gone for good,
ran out on me, like a linebacker for the pro's.
I have a smile, i made.
I found some superglue, and some matchsticks, and held it together with my eyes.
I used it to describe the way i wanted people to see me.
It was like a stretched piece of gauze,
because the original scars still cracked through,
and i didn't want people to see,
the real me.
I carry this smile with me everywhere i go,
It's only for public use,
at other times, i hide it away in the kitchen drawer,
with the bills, and important letters,
that i will deal with,
one day.
I sometimes wonder what happened to that smile.
Is it coming  back?
Is it taking a holiday?
Is it teaching me a lesson?
Is it fighting through the hard times to get to me, desperately?
Is it waiting until it is, well deserved?
But still, i guess, i will keep the glue,
as this one seems to be working,
and no-one seems to notice,
the difference.
And i appreciate that its not easy to be a faker,
but at least when you get so good,
you don't really remember who you really are.
And that's really ok,
because no-one needs to find that out anyways,
when you become what you believe,
and find it really does come true.

Have you ever Felt so afraid,
That you can't ever stand being alone?
Have you ever felt so abandoned that the circumstances in your life didn't matter cause you would be depressed whether they were good or bad?
Have you ever been so used to feeling alone that you would choose to be by yourself besides hanging out with your friends.
You'd rather sink into the floor then walk amoung the halls of your own home.
Have you ever been so bullied so much that the words almost just become numb to you and you can barley feel the stab at your soul anymore because of it.... Intact  to you peoples hurtful words are a distraction from everything else going on in the world that's so painful.
Have you ever felt so stuck to the point where you turn to drugs orlook to the end of your drink to try and find the answer to all your questions?
Feeling so disconnected from everyone cause of all your past mistakes....
It's nothing new for you.
Then the people around you treat you like an object that needs to be fixed... Like they know exactly what you need only causing you to fall deeper and deeper into depression like there's no way out.
Feeling like your just a project....
Or that one friend that no body wants around cause you always need somebody to just vent to, never getting a chance.
People call you attention starved but it's only cause your always alone...
I know how that feels.
Your not a project.
Your not stuck you can move forward.
Your not attention starved... Anybody would do the same if they had to go through what you did.
You are you and that's perfection

***** makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
***** makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you

I won't apologize
For things I said to your face.
Neither am I sorry,
For those I never said.
Ideas conceived in half hearted attempts to care,
after one fail top many.
Repeatedly making the same mistakes,
With the same people.
Designs made by the architect,
Or maybe revised for personal gain.

I will not uncry tears that were born
from unbearable pain I could not contain.
Wiping moist eyes with bruised thumbs,
Choking on regrets and convicted half truths.
I wear my tears like a safety belt,
To keep my body in check.

I do not regret knowing this life
That shaped me. Bent me. Built me.
I am pulp and foam,
I was made and not pre existent.
I am new.