There was a heavy sadness in her eyes, as if a decade of lonely nights took refuge in her tiny frame. She carried it well. The pain. She had grown numb to it, the blows only stung at first until the waves of agony rippled out into her tranquil lake of despair. Perhaps it was more of a friend to her, for it was the only one who was always there. The pain was loyal. The only one that never left. If not for it, how would she know she even existed? What would there even be besides a void? Nothingness. Perhaps she needed the pain, which is just as well because it certainly wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. It had moved in long ago. Long before it was even welcome. A permanent resident. A fixture. Embedded into her very existence. No, it wasn’t leaving, it would be there always.

The week of the moon
Always comes way too soon
As it boasts so full in the sky
Yet here I am empty
Good spirits have left me
Cursing, asking why
The cycle's completed
As I lay here depleted
Watching the minutes go by
Emotions are churning
My body is burning
Revolting at its cue
nature, my friend
I'd like this end
But there's not much She can do
In misery I wait
With this cruel twist of fate
For it all to start anew.

I awoke from a dream
Confined within the seam
Of a dreadful yearning ache
As I tried not to break
The memory of my sleep
Though still it creeped away
Frayed by the grip of reality
Again the feeling of duality
Rushes over me
Where did I go?
And yet, I think I know...
Watching myself in another dimension
As this reality was in suspension
I broke through the tension
Of the physical realm
Traveling at the helm
Of my souls journey through
Another point of view
Of the different sides of me
Expressed in alternate realities
Strengthening the complete entity
Of my being
By seeing all of my potential
And it seems quintessential
To hold on to this essence
Of wholeness that I do not possess
In any single reality awake
So for the sake of my sanity
I need to consciously recall
The entirety of it all
And replay the subconscious streaming
Of experiences while I'm dreaming
Of myself in another world
as it starts to unfurl
My soul merges in complete unity
Of every possibility
Embodying who I aspire to be
In the pleasantry of rest
I will learn to become my best
Form of my True self today
Please, oh please just stay
But the memory starts to slip away
Leaving an empty hope and sorrow
I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

My soul aches with longing
Gazing up at the sky
the twinkling stars above
That have probably already died
Burning light years away
But I feel it all too close
Star dust is in my bones
It's energy is my ghost
That shimmering star is me
A memory from my past
I gaze up at myself
It occurs to me at last
If only I could feel you
But my mind just seems to block
The soul that resides inside myself
That's yearning to be unlocked.

Like a ominous storm
Dark urges arise
Like lines on mirror
With pinned up eyes
A longing for touch
With tingling thighs
Gasping for air
Heaving up cries
Like burning flesh
As endorphins surprise
A shadow of life
With hope for demise
Comforting words
Are daggers of lies
To believe all you say
Would just be unwise
The thought of you
I've come to despise.

In love with my skin
I shine from within
The truest wealth
Is loving thyself

The allure of your darkness was swept across my sky with the frigid winds outside the pane.
Perhaps for no other reason than to remind me of my own.
Your consuming presence is heavy in the reality of your absence.
A keen awareness battles the anxious tremors as I realize it is all a product of myself.
Dark clouds I have painted in my own sky. A cloak for that I don't want to see. A reflection I may not recognize nor do I wish to confront.
What that may be is a mystery, even now.
A soothing relief, perhaps. For it was never really you. A mere metaphor and nothing more. A tool. A key to unlock another passage of my halls I've yet to travel.
If only I could build up the courage to open the door.

I’ve been resisting the current for some time now as if I’m determined to sink instead of learning how to float. I know how I feel but I’m terrified of actually feeling at all. I’m tired of being dragged around the same whirlpool yet what the **** lies out yonder? What a ******* irony because I’ve been drowning in the sea of schnapps for years. It’s all clear yet the weight pulls me under. Do I inhale the liquid or fight to the surface? Maybe drowning isn’t the most peaceful way to die after all as I choke for life once more.

There was a time when I sought comfort sleeping through the storm..
But now I lay awake listening to the howling winds outside my window and feel a morose sympathy towards its agonizing call
As if, it too is out there searching for some kind of peace
An aching reminder of a more tranquil time.

I feel like an alien in my own skin again
The overwhelming urge to leave my body radiates through me like an anxious tremor
I try to convey my angst to those around
But it seems my words are unable to articulate my all consuming yearning
The desire for some reassurance is annihilated by blank stares and misconstrued words against fragile egos drowned in self absorption
It's pure agony
Please tell me that someday it will all be okay
That I will align with a purpose and feel a tranquil sense of fulfillment
Instead of this incessant energy running rampant throughout my tiny frame
Surely I'm bound to spontaneously combust
For I fear the profound is churning rapidly without any hope of release
And it's only a matter of time until I burst within the darkness.

Time passes by like a leaf blowing in the autumn breeze
Yet here I stand, frozen in place, swaying in a desperate attempt to be seen, but unable to move forward. Rooted in the ground. Stationary like the giant oak tree.
Like parasites, those around me leech off my energy. They breathe me in, and yet wouldn't hesitate to cut me down, light me on fire and gaze into the flames with pure delight at my demise. With my last act on this earth, I vow to keep you warm as you revel in your selfish endeavors. There's nothing left but ash and dust, so throw me away if you must, in search of your next plundering conquest of your self indulging lust..

He asks me how I feel
As I'm struggling to decipher what is
And isn't real
Drowning within emotion
As I try to sever this subconscious
Devotion to an illusion
Confusion of delusion
Becoming lost along the way
The cost of worth I cannot pay
searching deep within
Determined to begin
Calling forth my sense of will
To self reflect until
I stop ignoring the signs
Reestablishing the lines
Of my self esteem
That I will redeem
Because it's mine!
As I straighten out my spine
I look up and say
I'm fine.
Even though it may not seem it
This time I really mean it.

Under the light of the neon moon she inhales the last drag...
In hopes it would slow the rhythm
Of the dancing demons in her restless mind.

I spend each day counting the minutes until it's over
Holding on to nothing more than strings of guilt and obligation
What love can I give to this little boy?
When all my thoughts are screaming to die
I wonder how much longer until they tell me he'll be better off without me.

I cannot recall when it happened,
Was it a week, a month, a day?
All that remains is silence now
since the words, they went away.
They used to flow like waves
Sailing ships across my mind
But it appears the breeze was lost
Somewhere and now I’m in a bind.
Was it a who? A what? A where? A why?
Is it truly lost for good?
I’ve searched near and far for it
And I’ve done the best I could
Now, I sit here in the graveyard
Of all the prose I’ve wrote before
Reading every old tomb stone
Just to feel alive once more.
I plead for them to return to me
But my voice just echoes on
I would’ve said I loved you so,
If I knew that you’d be gone.

I battle these urges as long as I can
But self control has always been an adversary
There’s something there that pulls me in
Just when the light is approaching the end of the tunnel, a sirens song lures me back to the depths of darkness
It consumes me.
I muster up every shred of my will but it’s no use, it’s only a matter of time before the monster within grows a resistance to my futile fight.
Like a marionette tangled in its own strings...I just want to know how it feels to dance with someone once more.

I never feel as lonely as I do surrounded by other people. I only feel whole in the rare moments of solitude. What a morose epiphany. I’m not quite sure which is worse, actually being alone forever or being with those who make you feel alone. Perhaps it’s a paradox of sorts, both are needed at times to make you appreciate the other. Sigh.

It’s like a constant tremor beneath my skin, as much a part of me as the blood flowing through my veins. A perpetual angst that cannot be quelled. Though I keep reaching out, desperate to get out of the current before it pulls me under. Yet it has no name. The origin is unclear. I feel it on the tips of my fingers but it forever evades my grasp. It whispers to me like the autumn breeze though I cannot decipher the direction it blows. My internal compass is broken thus I keep retracing my steps. A repetitious journey on the same path when I can’t even pinpoint my destination. Wherever that may be, I just want to feel at peace...if only I could find due north

What a foolish word.
To think anyone deserves anything is naive at best. Such arrogance is destined to be disappointed time and again. You get what you put in, and sometimes you don’t even get that. Such is life. Humanity as a whole believes they are superior in every way and yet here we are. A false sense of entitlement to what we think we deserve. Ignorance at its finest. You don’t deserve **** and that’s just the cold, hard truth.