Stitches torn open on this heart of mine.
Your voice echoes inside my mind.
Dreams of memories flash before these eyes.
Pain and agony strangle me.
Evoking a misguided, tender voice.
I’ve blurred these images
And lived on before.
But this time I’m stuck on this (******),
forsaken floor.
My facade has shattered down.
This pathetic creature is left behind.
One you’ve always known to hate.
I wish that now I could escape.
This demon that I own and know so dear.
That leaves me shivering, quivering in fear.
The last breath of you draws so near.
Yet, I inhale.
Keeping the dream of you alive.
Afraid to let the years pass by
Without admiring you once more.
Afraid to close this lingering door.
Willing to believe anything to be by your side.
(Still I’m stuck crying, wanting to die.)
Oh how I’ve grown to love and hate.
Your beautiful.
Your ugly.
Your “**** me”.Face

Here I am again…
A love once lost.
I tried to stay so strong.
I tried to stay away.
I fell in love with a different man,
And yet I know that at any moment,
You can steal my heart once again.
As easy at that sounds,
How hard is it for me to leave?
Words have been said and promises made.

Am I as cruel as a person that I imagine myself to be?
If I broadcasted my thoughts to the world,
Would they think I’m pure and righteous?

I know the answer.
I know they wouldn’t.
I am as dark as a shallow cave, that even the moon will not greet.

Now, which man shall I choose?
The one who would do anything for me?
Or the one I would do anything to have?

Oh, how his venom still swirls in my blood!
Like a sickening disease, like a drug!
I am caught in this turmoil and I am unsure of the escape.
Unsure of the plan…
Does my heart still bleed from that fateful end?
Am I willing to throw away everything just to be alone?
Does my voice get a say or am I just a trophy to these men?
Good or bad,
which side shall I choose?
Why can I not make up my mind!?

If I chose bad,
I know I’ll be unhappy and sad.
Yet, since I’m evil as well,
I know I’ll have my fun.

But, if good is my choice,
Then I’ll share my smiles and laughs.
Yet, I am afraid of seeing that ring on my hand.

I am young and still lack the intellect and experience of life.
Terrified of the unknown.
Yet, terrified of knowing.
Am I happy?

I am unsure.

How naive of me.
So typical.
Not surprising.
Why do I bother with you?
You’ve changed.
You’re different.
You will never be the same person
I fell in love with in my childish years.
Hell,
It didn’t even last a year.
We didn’t even know each other for a year!
We don’t even know each other still.
Yet,
I am still obsessed.
What’s wrong with my MIND!?
You said you love me.
But, if you loved me,
Why would you crush this heart of mine?
Or was it your plan?
To keep me addicted?
To keep me coming back?
Do you only keep in touch
To find out if my feelings for you are still the same?
I try to ask.
Alas, you have no answers.
You keep me on this cliff hanger of love and obsession!
How evil of you.
How sick of you.
Do I want you to tell me
You love me no longer?
Or am I afraid to hear those words?
My gut tells me you do.
My head tells me to forget.
I have someone new.
Someone better than you.
Why am I so stuck on you then?
Can I please get back what I gave before?
I trust you with it, no longer.
Can I please get back what I gave you?
My bruised, shattered ******* HEART!

I am a leech.
Stuck on you and here to be your reminder
That I am here.
That I exist.

I constantly thirst for the need
To have you think of me.
I need you to survive.

This guilt will eat me up like a cancer.
I am always asked, but cannot answer.
Burdened by this monstrous being
That I keep feeding.
Bleeding.
I cannot take it.
I do not believe I can make this.
Breathing in the poisonous vapors.
I cannot escape.
Rushing through my veins.
This addiction.
It is taking me on a wild ride.
There is no point to hide.
It will always be by my side.
Be a part of me.
Blinded and I cannot see.
Becoming one with my demon.
Giving him control.
All the answers will forever be untold.
I am breaking out of my mold.
This mask
That I can no longer grasp.
To hide behind.
Why does lust have to be such a crime?

I wonder about you during these starry nights,
As you haunt my dreams for the first time.
I am in the wrong and as my demon pulls me
Further into the abyss,
I cannot help but recall the many daggers that have damaged your heart.
Descending into loneliness.
Despising me and this monster.
My creature see that I must make change.
(It acknowledges loves influences on this facade).
Then I think if there is a God.
For reasons based on the creation of my beast.
The Devil rushes through my soul.
This is when I must go...

[Boredom is] like venom.
        It lays inside your veins.
        It lingers 'til circulation slows
        And burdens you for days.
  
        No antidote to cure this feign.
        Mono would be better.
        Different symptoms to
        Boost excitement up.
        Always an adventure.

Is It My Fault
That I Let You
Slip Through My Hands?


Is It My Fault
That I Am A
Mute At Heart?

That No Words
Can Express How
I Feel.

Is It My Fault
That I Can't
Show You Me?

Scream To The
World To See.

Is It Me Fault
That I Let You
Leave?

That I Didn't
Let You Into My
Heart?

Or Is It Your Fault?

That You Didn't
Let My Know
How You Felt
At All?


Or Was It Deep
Down Inside...


You Knew People
Were Right About Me?

I layed beneath the dying tree
Staring at it’s gnarled branches.
They sprawled outward, trying
To capture the fluffy, pillow-like clouds
With their crooked fingers.
I close my eyes.

Am I like this tree,
Waiting for death to overcome me?
I sit in this unsifted ground,
Decaying and hating the beauty all around.

I sit and watch.
I wish to grow.
I wish to become beautiful.
But, Death’s grasp is strong.
CRUNCH!
My brittle bones break beneath Death’s fist.
I become gnarled, paralyzed, deformed.

I open my deep-blue eyes.
There, on the deathly-ill tree was a green leaf.
It is as green as the grass
On a nice, sunny, warm day in spring.
Greener, like the grass on the other side.

I smile a bright smile that can blind you.
I smile knowing the tree has a second chance
To be beautiful.
I smile knowing that I have a second chance
To be beautiful, inside and out.
I wonder if that tree can see me dream.

Just talk your *******.
Like I care!

Immature?
Me?

What!?
No Way!?

Revenge is best
Served Cold.

But what you
Said just told

That you ain't
Bigger than I.

Did I tell it
How it is?

Or did you
Just prove it?

I have laid in this bed that I have made, for many years.
All I can think of now, is that
I want to get out of here.
Away from my demons and the experiences I have lived,
The people I have wronged and the ones I have loved.

Yet, I am ****** into my own sickening turmoil,
Not being able to escape.
Suffocating underneath my insecurities and my faults.

These thoughts race inside my brain,
Never relieving me of all the pain;
Of all the things I have ******* up in my life.

I am sinking,
Further and further,
Deep inside my nightmare.
Watching the world pass me as if I was a ghost that never crossed over.

I hug my pillows so tight,
Just to realize that I have been left alone
To be haunted by these dreams of past memories.
To witness the demise of my fate.
To feel cemented to this ground.

Never moving.
Always sinking.
Sinking into the muck that is my existence.

When will this noose loosen?
When will I be able to breathe once again?
When can I get my chance for the never ending happiness
That everyone around me has obtained?

Why must I be left behind
Waiting to catch the wrong ride?
To continue down this misadventurous path.
I wish to look back and laugh at my pathetic attempts of happiness.

Alas, I sink into my abyss that has grown quite familiar,
That has embraced my presence.
That longs for me.
And unfortunately, I greet it with open arms like an old pal.

I sink.
Hating all around me.
I sink.
Vomiting up my decency.
I sink.
Finding love in my monster.

I see what he does.
He does what I do.
Checks back in to
See if those feelings
Stand true.
When proven correct,
We back away.
With memories flooding
Through and through.
Perhaps one day.
Some day.

God I think I'm lame pretty much most of my time.
I wish I could tell him how I feel but I am shy.
I fear rejection and what is on his mind.
Why doesn't he love me like I love him?
My face turns blue with deception.
I have an obsession, with his personality,
his individuality.
I can't stop to think will he love me.
I had to ***** things up.
I had the chance to be with him.
And now all I can do is think
about him.
My chances with him are slim.
My heart aches, I gave him a
heartbreak.
I want to end this pain like putting a stake
through a vampire's heart.
End it now before bad things
begin to start.
He doesn't need to know
I love him more than I did
when we first met.
I just bet,
he won't feel that way.

The fire's burning in disguise.
It's something that I choose to hide.
Excessive talk kindles this flame
So there should be no one but you, to blame.

For if my fire grows so hot,
You'll be boiling in this ***
Of anger that I shall unleash.
Why can I not keep the peace
Between me and this world of mine?

Tonight I will choose to dine
Alone in these rooms.
Soaking up all the fumes.
Toxins spreading all around

Soon I'll be on the ground
Sleeping so pleasantly.
I guess this is how it should end to be.

It's clouded in here.
Can't find anything.
Alone I appear
In this mind of mine.
Conflict rises constantly
Inside of me.
Cannot hide.

Bend down before my foes.
I've got something between my folds
Of sickly lies that were disguised
By your ever haunting fantasies.

Flashes of these memories
Are like sharp pains in my side,
A migraine with the sun in my eyes.

I'm bleeding from the inside out
From the mark you left.
A mark I once treasured, now hate.

You read each page of me,
Said you loved who I am,
But you quickly left,
As if I carried the spawn of your unborn beast.

I would go the distance for you.
Turns out you are not my Hercules.

You cut my Achilles' heel.
I fell, hoping I wouldn't feel the sharp rocks
Our relationship built, hoping I wouldn't feel
The broken heart that I obviously now own.

I am told that time is suppose to heal all wounds.
Well time is too **** slow.

I'll write until my hand is sore.
     While the dragon's breath continues to pour
     Over our future plans that seem to sink
     And our minds that continue to think.
     Historic events seem to repeat [itself]
     As I lay doll-like on this towering shelf.
     I replay the past events which haunt my dreams.

I have lived in the shadows
Of the melancholy lie.
One that I have weaved
So many times.
I sharpen the needle,
That has sewn together our souls.
I shall stab it into your heart
And  watch your eyes turn to coal.

I will shatter your heart
As you have done to mine.
Leaving you burdened,
Tortured by this crime.
Tears shall stream down
Your monstrous face,
As you realize a demon
Has taken my place.

But,
All of this talk is just a fallacy.
See,
What I really want,
Is it to be,
Just you and me,
Imprisoned by our antagonizing lust.
Never being able to trust.

Yet,
In constant obsession,
Possessive,
Of our undeniable love.

Being that there is no hope,
I shall make amends with my scapegoat.

Just wishful thinking
From this little girl.
Wishful thinking
That makes others curl.

Still,
It is wishful thinking
That keeps me alive.
Wishful thinking
That makes me want to die.

Thou art the warmth inside thy internal soul.
Thou art thy desirable, yet concealed,
Blazing globe of thy wonders.
When thou'st day is dreadful and blackened
By the cruelty of the world,
And thou hasn't a skip in thou's step,
Thy air, pure and blue, shall be in ash-filled fumes.
Thy exceeded amount of thy tender love for thou bringst to thee,
Shall be unknown to thou.
Please! Keep thy love,
Thy blazing globe of fire in security.

Honestly,
I find it rather cruel to leave me lingering.
Lingering like unwanted taint from a long, hard day of work.


You should of just crushed me.
You should of told me there was no hope.
You should have told me that it all was just a fallacy.
You should have made me hate you.
Even then, after I would regroup my dignity after being such a fool,
I do not believe my heart would wish ****** harm against you.
How pathetic do I sound right about now?
All I pray for is to have a stronger heart,
A stronger mind.


Already, I grow tired of pining over you.
The one time I decided not to shut someone out
And in return, I am left with a much larger void.


I greatly dislike my understanding personality.
It is something that I never possessed,
But I did not expect to find someone similar to me.


I simply wished that I was burdened
By the ignorant naivety of today's youth.
I am finding it quite factual that I am deemed cursed.
That real love or an ideal relationship,
Has forsaken me.


I am aware of the obvious.
I am aware of my own youth.
I am one who survives on the care for others.
Only for ones I see fit.


Alas, here I am rambling on about the usual.
All I must say, is that my feelings were true.
Surprising, actually,
For I was only seeking company
And found something much more.


I find it a burden to know that
Someone as good as you, is out there.
I simply wish, I perhaps will count the days,
That one day, I can call you mine
And I, yours.


We all know that is just the latest crazy talk
That mind-fuckery builds when we
Are alone, yearning for the things we cannot have.


**** this hopeless romantic heart of mine.
**** being weak.
**** being vunerable.
**** being understanding.
Just, **** everything.


I leave you with:
You should of just crushed me.
You should of told me there was no hope.
You should have told me that it all was just a fallacy.
You should have made me hate you


Yet, knowing I,
I want to linger.
I wish that I will linger in your mind.

If not, I simply hope that peace with shroud every inch of you
And that you will find what your heart seeks.