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Jessica Heagy Jan 2013
As I lay in bed awake,
My head contains feelings I cannot shake.
I try to count the jumping sheep,
But my brain chimes in with it's obnoxious peep.

I watch the hours as I lose my sleep,
Wishing my mind would numb
So I could drift away.
The night haunts me as I lay.

Visions of you and I, pass by,
As the emotions sink in.
Never does my mind dim.

Questions arise as my eyes stare around the dark room.
Sleep never comes quite soon.
But the answers are clearly obvious,
I am just wishing to be oblivious.

Oblivious to the harlot that I am,
And those intentions were never in my plan.
I live my life day by day,
Slowly going insane.

Wondering who I will become,
Thinking that I won't find love.
The night's a terrible time for me,
It eats my eyelids and poisons my thoughts.
Now I'm wondering how I'm coming across.

A girl doused in depression, obsession, social anxiety;
There's no point in hiding.
This mask keeps ripping
As I keep slipping
Into the treacherous downfall
Of my existence.
I try to resist it.

I recall where I'm at.
Still in bed, still pretty fat.
As alone as lonely gets.
I try to remember that it's not (my) time, yet.
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
I have laid in this bed that I have made, for many years.
All I can think of now, is that
I want to get out of here.
Away from my demons and the experiences I have lived,
The people I have wronged and the ones I have loved.

Yet, I am ****** into my own sickening turmoil,
Not being able to escape.
Suffocating underneath my insecurities and my faults.

These thoughts race inside my brain,
Never relieving me of all the pain;
Of all the things I have ******* up in my life.

I am sinking,
Further and further,
Deep inside my nightmare.
Watching the world pass me as if I was a ghost that never crossed over.

I hug my pillows so tight,
Just to realize that I have been left alone
To be haunted by these dreams of past memories.
To witness the demise of my fate.
To feel cemented to this ground.

Never moving.
Always sinking.
Sinking into the muck that is my existence.

When will this noose loosen?
When will I be able to breathe once again?
When can I get my chance for the never ending happiness
That everyone around me has obtained?

Why must I be left behind
Waiting to catch the wrong ride?
To continue down this misadventurous path.
I wish to look back and laugh at my pathetic attempts of happiness.

Alas, I sink into my abyss that has grown quite familiar,
That has embraced my presence.
That longs for me.
And unfortunately, I greet it with open arms like an old pal.

I sink.
Hating all around me.
I sink.
Vomiting up my decency.
I sink.
Finding love in my monster.
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
I find it rather cruel to leave me lingering.
Lingering like unwanted taint from a long, hard day of work.

You should of just crushed me.
You should of told me there was no hope.
You should have told me that it all was just a fallacy.
You should have made me hate you.
Even then, after I would regroup my dignity after being such a fool,
I do not believe my heart would wish ****** harm against you.
How pathetic do I sound right about now?
All I pray for is to have a stronger heart,
A stronger mind.

Already, I grow tired of pining over you.
The one time I decided not to shut someone out
And in return, I am left with a much larger void.

I greatly dislike my understanding personality.
It is something that I never possessed,
But I did not expect to find someone similar to me.

I simply wished that I was burdened
By the ignorant naivety of today's youth.
I am finding it quite factual that I am deemed cursed.
That real love or an ideal relationship,
Has forsaken me.

I am aware of the obvious.
I am aware of my own youth.
I am one who survives on the care for others.
Only for ones I see fit.

Alas, here I am rambling on about the usual.
All I must say, is that my feelings were true.
Surprising, actually,
For I was only seeking company
And found something much more.

I find it a burden to know that
Someone as good as you, is out there.
I simply wish, I perhaps will count the days,
That one day, I can call you mine
And I, yours.

We all know that is just the latest crazy talk
That mind-fuckery builds when we
Are alone, yearning for the things we cannot have.

**** this hopeless romantic heart of mine.
**** being weak.
**** being vunerable.
**** being understanding.
Just, **** everything.

I leave you with:
You should of just crushed me.
You should of told me there was no hope.
You should have told me that it all was just a fallacy.
You should have made me hate you

Yet, knowing I,
I want to linger.
I wish that I will linger in your mind.

If not, I simply hope that peace with shroud every inch of you
And that you will find what your heart seeks.
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
I wonder about you during these starry nights,
As you haunt my dreams for the first time.
I am in the wrong and as my demon pulls me
Further into the abyss,
I cannot help but recall the many daggers that have damaged your heart.
Descending into loneliness.
Despising me and this monster.
My creature see that I must make change.
(It acknowledges loves influences on this facade).
Then I think if there is a God.
For reasons based on the creation of my beast.
The Devil rushes through my soul.
This is when I must go...
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
This guilt will eat me up like a cancer.
I am always asked, but cannot answer.
Burdened by this monstrous being
That I keep feeding.
I cannot take it.
I do not believe I can make this.
Breathing in the poisonous vapors.
I cannot escape.
Rushing through my veins.
This addiction.
It is taking me on a wild ride.
There is no point to hide.
It will always be by my side.
Be a part of me.
Blinded and I cannot see.
Becoming one with my demon.
Giving him control.
All the answers will forever be untold.
I am breaking out of my mold.
This mask
That I can no longer grasp.
To hide behind.
Why does lust have to be such a crime?
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
Here I am again…
A love once lost.
I tried to stay so strong.
I tried to stay away.
I fell in love with a different man,
And yet I know that at any moment,
You can steal my heart once again.
As easy at that sounds,
How hard is it for me to leave?
Words have been said and promises made.

Am I as cruel as a person that I imagine myself to be?
If I broadcasted my thoughts to the world,
Would they think I’m pure and righteous?

I know the answer.
I know they wouldn’t.
I am as dark as a shallow cave, that even the moon will not greet.

Now, which man shall I choose?
The one who would do anything for me?
Or the one I would do anything to have?

Oh, how his venom still swirls in my blood!
Like a sickening disease, like a drug!
I am caught in this turmoil and I am unsure of the escape.
Unsure of the plan…
Does my heart still bleed from that fateful end?
Am I willing to throw away everything just to be alone?
Does my voice get a say or am I just a trophy to these men?
Good or bad,
which side shall I choose?
Why can I not make up my mind!?

If I chose bad,
I know I’ll be unhappy and sad.
Yet, since I’m evil as well,
I know I’ll have my fun.

But, if good is my choice,
Then I’ll share my smiles and laughs.
Yet, I am afraid of seeing that ring on my hand.

I am young and still lack the intellect and experience of life.
Terrified of the unknown.
Yet, terrified of knowing.
Am I happy?

I am unsure.
Jessica Heagy Oct 2012
How naive of me.
So typical.
Not surprising.
Why do I bother with you?
You’ve changed.
You’re different.
You will never be the same person
I fell in love with in my childish years.
It didn’t even last a year.
We didn’t even know each other for a year!
We don’t even know each other still.
I am still obsessed.
What’s wrong with my MIND!?
You said you love me.
But, if you loved me,
Why would you crush this heart of mine?
Or was it your plan?
To keep me addicted?
To keep me coming back?
Do you only keep in touch
To find out if my feelings for you are still the same?
I try to ask.
Alas, you have no answers.
You keep me on this cliff hanger of love and obsession!
How evil of you.
How sick of you.
Do I want you to tell me
You love me no longer?
Or am I afraid to hear those words?
My gut tells me you do.
My head tells me to forget.
I have someone new.
Someone better than you.
Why am I so stuck on you then?
Can I please get back what I gave before?
I trust you with it, no longer.
Can I please get back what I gave you?
My bruised, shattered ******* HEART!
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