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Jeremy Duff Dec 2012
The smoke curls towards the sky.
At a different point in time our bodies curled together.
But, that was, indeed, a different point in time.
And trembling on  the remembrance of the past is silly.

As I was saying, before the past rushed in like a wave,
A wave that crashes over the sea barriers,
and sweeps away the fleeing tourists,
that the smoke curls towards the sky.

It slowly diffuses into the foggy, white air.
Diffuses isn't the correct word though.
We are not talking about liquids moving from
an are of high concentration to one of low concentration.

As I was saying, before scientific vocabulary interrupted me
just as the attacks on towers interrupted to 2001
Major League Baseball Season, the smoke slowly crept
up into the sky, into the wet November air.

As it combines itself with the fog, just as we
combined our hearts through our hands in the hot July
dog days. Although the dog days really weren't
as bad as they have been in previous years.

Anyway, as I was saying, before remembrance of old loves
snuck into my mind, much as the thought of you does
in History, while I'm trying to learn about the French invasion
of Russia. Or the **** (Or the Roman) invasion of Russia.

Oh, **** it. This is pointless.
I'll never get anywhere with this ******* smoke
curling to the ******* sky.
So, **** it. I'll just watch the smoke curl
and be content.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2012
Or at least help me die.
But I guess these are the same thing.
Whoops.
Jeremy Duff Apr 2014
Red flags.
This has happened before.

Turn around,
don't smile when you see her,
stop smiling,
don't laugh when she jokes,
stop laughing,
don't fall in love,
stop falling in love.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2014
Even though I've been writing for years
(not that it's any better than when I started)
the title still holds true.

Words don't spill out,
thoughts don't process
like they used to.

Pieces need second checks for meaning,
thirds for grammar,
and a fourth for meaning.

Maybe it's the absence of physical affection;
certain chemicals aren't being triggered to release in my brain
but I decided if I couldn't keep my unspoken promises,
if I can't touch with a deep understanding of love
I will not touch at all.

It was shocking,
the impact one night could have
and so I have not had a second try
(or a six or seventh if we're counting).

I let the words of Thom Yorke
and Ezra Koenig say all that I cannot.

"Slowly we unfurl as lotus flowers
'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if, just to see what is
I can't kick your habit
Just to feed your fast ballooning head
Listen to your heart"
Quotations from Radiohead's "Lotus Flower"
give it a listen
Jeremy Duff Dec 2013
It's been a few weeks.
And it'll be a few more,
before that lovely girl
comes knocking at my door.

I am a patient boy,
I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait
for you.

Rap ah tat tat,
and rap ah tat tat,
please tell me when
my baby will be back.

Tick ah tick tock
and tick ah tick tock,
I long for the day
when I don't dread the tick of a clock.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2014
The splitting of years was spent in a small room with a lovely group of nine people, surrounded by smoke and the sounds of the nineties.
Elena, with her laughter infused with gold.
Liam, with his thick dark curls.
Fritz, with his polite disregard.
Jonah, with his Iron Maiden shirt.
Kelly, with her eyes of nature.
Hannah, with quite understanding.
Erin, with her love of all things beautiful.
Dylan, with his smile of a deep purple.
Dennis, with his acid fried heart, still beating with love.

Beautiful people and beautiful dreams.
Here's to a beautiful year.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
There is a quite town
in the quite state of Vermont.

Not much happens there,
but it is the place to be.
The place to think
and the place to breathe.

All I want rests there,
while all I need to get
away from lives here.

In the summer, the sun shines
and in the winter, snow falls.
Which is just like it is here.
But, it is the 2nd least populated state,
which gives me less of a chance
of running into you.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2014
In the sky there is a lonely star,
and in my heart there is a starless sky.

With the help of friends and methamphetamines
its been forty-eight hours since I've slept
but I am not tired.

Last night I laid awake on a lovely boy's couch
thinking of the moments we spent together
and I couldn't help but replay them in my brain
over and over,
hoping beyond hope for sleep
and you to share it with.

I guess I didn't see your scars,
blame it on the lighting or the beer,
but I knew they were there.
As my hands felt their way across your beautiful landscape,
I took special care not to rest them upon the raised, pink lines,
not wanting you, for even a moment,
to think the thoughts you thought when you created them.

I would tear my skin wide open,
stretch it across all the seas seven hundred times,
if it meant a single, tiny scratch would never find it's way onto your body with the guidance of your hand, the guidance of your starless night sky of a heart.
Jeremy Duff Dec 2012
I burned the only memories I had of you.
I also burned my fingers a bit, before I threw the paper on the ground.
And later when I got home,
I started to think of you so I took a couple strikeouts
and watched The Fellowship of the Ring.
strikeout: this stupid thing where you takes a large hit, of marijuana, off of a **** or pipe or whatever   and while holding the smoke in, take a shot of some hard alcohol and then chug a beer.
Jeremy Duff Aug 2014
You needed something to occupy
so you could feel loved
and you chose my heart.
Gladly I opened it for you.

You were lonely when you kissed me,
you kissed me because you were lonely.
I kissed you because I thought it was the right thing to do,
kissing you was the wrong thing to do.

Now, you're no longer lonely and you don't need me. You've found other people to make you feel loved and now you can spare none for me. ****, you can't even call me back.

You make me feel stupid and naive.
Stupid to love you
and naive to think you could ever love me back.
Jeremy Duff May 2014
I'm always talking, baby, talking too much
I love that little girl and I just can't get enough*

I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
Feelings that have lain dormant for years.
Like a volcano of biblical strength
my love exploded all over her neighbors porch
and now I need to pick up the pieces.

I've been searching for something to distract myself.
I took some pills today.
I spent half the time promising myself I won't start using again
and the other half trying to buy more dope.

I need something to ****
and I need something to snort
and something to drink
but what I need
is to stop letting this affect me so ******* much.

This isn't your fault,
for ***** sake
this isn't your fault.

This is me and my inability to handle any sort
of pressure,
like a ******* ******* dog,
I pull on the leash and pull on the leash
until my owner beats me into submission.
Five minutes later I'm pulling on the leash again.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2013
I torture myself in many ways.
Be it these cigarettes,
that bottle,
those songs,
or your letters.

When the sun goes down
my little sister asks
"Can I see the moon?"
So I hold her hand and take her outside
and sometimes we don't see it
but on nights like tonight
it shines brighter than it should.
Brighter than it has any reason to.
Yet Audrey thinks it's pretty
and I guess that's reason enough.

I remember the night,
when Guardian Angel, My Best friend, The Girl Who Fancies Scared Faces and myself drove up to a moonlit
little place called Sugarloaf Mountain.
And at the top
we drank cheap wine,
smoked cheaper cigarettes
(Hey man, they're all we got)
and each took turns playing a song.
My Guardian Angel started with Neutral Milk Hotel,
then My Best Friend played The White Stripes,
then The Girl Who Fancies Scared Faces played Atmosphere,
and finally I used my turn on Clapton.

We drank more beer
and smoked the last cigarette,
and laughed,
and laughed,
and marveled at how beautiful the moon was and how it doesn't need a reason to shine.
I ended up in My Guardian Angel's bed, after some more cigarettes and beer and ****.
We shared kisses and cuddles and laughs and sweat.
Dedicated to Tyler, Megan, Dylan and of course, Audrey.
Much love.
Jeremy Duff Dec 2013
Better grab some while you can.
Remember when you said "no, you ain't my man?"
Years from now you'll be alone,
and I'll be writing novels, my talent full grown.
A single tear from your eye will fall,
but don't even bother wasting time making a call.
You made a decision, now you gotta live by it,
and they'll be paying me to speak, tv and ****.
Someday, your boyfriend will by a book,
he'll read you one line from it and you'll know its me without even a look.
You have a man, he's on your arm,
when you see my name on the shelves, I'll be long gone.
You'll realize what you had,
but you threw it all away, you must've been mad.
Someday, you'll see that it's all true,
no need to debate, I'm the best at what I do.

You might be thinking "****, this boy's arrogant"
but you gotta fake it 'till you make it and then a little more.
But for now, I'll sell my **** to buy drugs
and when I'm all out of **** I'll start stealing
and when I've stolen everything, I'll start earn it.
And when I've earned the highest accolades
I'll just smile
because I told you so,
and you told him he was the one.

Someday you'll cry because there won't be a sunrise,
and you'll realize the mistake you've made.
I may be a loser ****** right now,
but the next bump will be last
just like the one I blew five minutes ago
just like the first time I ever tried it a high school bathroom
just like every bump in between.
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
I've never seen the sunrise as beautiful as the one I watched rise over you.
You had fallen asleep.
You had told me to wake you up if you did, you really wanted to see it.
But you're just so **** cute when you sleep.
The suns first rays shown through your golden hair, refracting the light into a beautiful spectrum of colors.
I leaned back on our blankets and sat up. Criss cross apple sauce, I took a pack of Luckies from my coat pocket. We had smooshed them at some point in our late night adventures but they were still intact.
With a unlit cigarette in between my lips which had grown so accustumed to kissing yours I looked at you. You were lying on your side, facing me with your back to the sun. The dew on the grass was surrounding our mound of blankets much like heart break had been circling our love; Threatening to precede but not truly troublesome.
Jeremy Duff Apr 2014
No means no,
not right now means no,
stop means no,
silence means no,
lack of consent means no,
anything other than yes means no.

It makes me sick
and it turns my face red
and I can't think
when I hear about him.

When I hear about how great of a guy he is
and how it's only alcohol that turns him into
the monster that I see him to be always.
In sobriety he makes me just as sick.
Anybody that takes with asking,
that doesn't listen,
that feels entitled to *** when it is denied,
makes me sick
and should be hung,
should be shot,
should be ****** on
and torn apart limb from limb.

Boys will be boys is not an excuse,
alcohol is not an excuse,
ignorance is not an excuse.

There is no excuse;
a bullet for every ******.
Jeremy Duff May 2014
It's a picture of a cat flying a helicopter:

It's stimulating in an overwhelming way
and not dissimilar to the first time I drank spring water.
Today has been weird and my emotions have been changing like the wind and right now i don't think i have any.
the inheritance cycle is such a lovely group of books, please read them
Jeremy Duff Aug 2013
Usually
when I get any sort of late night feelings
and decide to write
the outcome, the product
is clean,
crisp,
but most importantly,
cold.
The feelings are typically harsh;
self hatred,
self loathing,
loneliness.

But tonight, oh God tonight,
the feelings are warm.
After a self performed heart palpitation
I have concluded that I'm at risk of a heart attack.  

Hours ago I met a girl.
Tall.
The first thing that struck me was how tall she was.
Almost as tall as me,
I didn't have to avert my eyes down to meet her own.
Which was refreshing.
The next thing that I noticed was her face.
More so, the beauty held within.
The beauty held above and below her eyes.
The freckles that dotted her cheeks,
her nose,
her forehead.

Although we did not exchange numbers, only names,
my heart rate sped up to an alarming speed
when I received a call.
Checking it quicker than I normally would have,
I **** near fell out of my chair to wrangle it from my pocket.
It was only a friend calling.
Asking if I had any dope
and if he could come over.
I said no and no and goodnight.

With my heart still beating fast
and my face comfortably warm
I lay down
and looked at the roof.
Usually
the white paint makes me sick
but this time I could only see the outline of her face.
I drew in her freckles with my fingers
and created a beautiful piece of art.
Only to have it fade from my mind.
Gasping, I reached for it.
I erased all thoughts and all memories other than those of her.
For the moment that it lasted I was at ease.
While it was not true meditation I reached enlightenment.
I felt peace.

And while it still resonates in my mind and heart,
I cannot seriously believe it will last.
I beg God to let it stay.
I ask God for this one thing,
I promise him I will do no more wrong,
I will not pick up my pipe tonight
or tomorrow
or ever again.
I promise to never taste alcohol again,
if only he will let this feeling last.
That's the least he can do.
The very least.

I lied to my friend.
I have plenty of dope,
for now,
as the feelings are already leaving.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
I'm destined to write country music.
My writings are more or less about girls and intoxication anyway.
So change drugs to beer, girls to honeys and throw in a truck, a dog, and lots of guns and you have it.

It wouldn't be so bad either, hell I could even live the lifestyle. Find a cute southern lady, have a faithful hunting dog  and live under the mountains.
Jeremy Duff Aug 2014
It was autumn,
or at least I think it was.
The leaves were changing color
as were you.
It's funny, the way memories linger,
associate and disassociate with senses.
Smells;
the wild flowers.
Colors;
the deep reds of a changing season.
Sounds;
the crunching of dry leaves.
Touch;
your hands.

It may have been autumn,
or at least I think it was,
but I'll always remember you as the Autumn Girl.
Not my autumn girl,
I was merely a vessel
while you were a lamp to be lit.
I was in the dark
while you crossing great expenses of water.

That pond was so small
and you were so magnificently
immense.
Not about anybody in particular // coffee shop au
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
I'm getting better,
slowly, a day at a time.

I still think of you but not as often.
I remember the good times,
but they're always marked with
an aftertaste of longing.
Longing for what?

Friendship.


I can't listen to No Doubt
anymore without thinking of you.

I cried last night,
for the first time
since the day before.
I was thinking about the best thing to do
and i decided (as I have a hundred times before) that it's to give you space
and let you come back,
if that's what you want to do.
I cried because I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to push you away.
???? I'm waiting for that call
Jeremy Duff May 2014
A night spent with beautiful people,
and beautiful decorations,
and less then beautiful music.

A night spent snorting ecstasy in a bathroom stall,
and dancing until I became lightheaded,
only pausing for a cigarette.

A night spent holding you close,
with the feel of your lips brushing upon my neck
(Oh! how I wished for them never to leave).
Jeremy Duff May 2013
The Boy with the Sunshine Face came back today.
He was never really missing, he just needed a break.
And in the few days he was gone I realized how much I love him.
How much I love his hands on my back
and his laugh in my ears.

God knows his parents were worried
and they don't know I could have told them
where he was staying.
But I missed his face just as much as they did.
And no one should be forced to be somewhere
if it's killing them.
Even if that place is home,
with those who love them.

But now he is back but I still haven't seen him.
Except for last night, in my dream.
He was sitting on a bench by the school,
but he was different. His face didn't
have that smile I have grown so accustomed to loving.
Hiss words didn't have the same ring to them.
And when I kissed his face he didn't kiss mine back.

This is all just some weird front my brain is putting up
because I'm sure he's the same he always has been,
just a little more tired.
Still,
I miss The Boy with the Sunshine Face.
Jeremy Duff Aug 2012
Jusst going to float
down the stream
nicknamed The Best Years of My Life.

Just going to lay on my back
and soak up some sun
and try not to worry to much.

Just going to twiddle my thumbs
and have some fun
chilling out, relaxing, maxing all cool...

Just going to free my mind
and not think about you,
or life and all the grief it holds.

Just going to float down the stream that my brightly colored Strings are gently caressed in.
And relax.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
The cold spot doesn't chill like it used to.
Now, it feels like stepping on broken glass.
Now, it feels like the weight of the word is in this place.
Now, it feels like I'll never be able to leave.

Before it was dazzling and it made me feel the blue.
Before, I could see myself.
Before, I knew who I was.
Before, it was lighthearted and fun.
Before, I knew I would never be able to leave.

Time goes slower now.
Seconds pass by at what used to be minutes.
Minutes on hours.
Hours on days.
Days on lifetimes.

The universe ceased to expand, the scientists say.
This act defies all laws we've taken for granted.
We know what is outside our universe, they say.
More universes.
Infinite amounts of universes.

In a different universe I could be the sun.
And in a different one I could be the ocean.
And in yet a different one I am the moon.
It's spectacular.

God doesn't interest in the way he used to.
The leaves all look similar.
The songs all sound the same.
The fingertips feel like needles.
The kisses bring plagues.

--Unfinished-- 10/19/12
Jeremy Duff Mar 2015
I remember the night I graduated from Olympus Mons Military Academy.
I remember what my father told me,
the "one hundred percent true story of the creation of mankind."

There was a being who lived on Venus, all alone he lived, so alone he wasn't even sure he was living. This being had no name, but they had a heart that beat and a mind that thought.
He lived on a Venus that this universe has never seen, nor will ever see. Space and time are fabrics, but even the finest of linens have space, impossibly small amounts of space and within them universes. This being lived on a Venus woven into the fabric of time itself.

This being prepared a torch,
fueled by matter the likes of which humanity knew, but has forgotten and will never remember.
He lit this torch and carried it through the fabric of time.
He spoke to beings there about time and he did not like what they thought of time and so he took the torch elsewhere, abandoning the others in a perfect nothingness.

He took his torch to Mercury and asked the beings there what they thought of space.
He did not like what they had to say about space and so he left them in their chaotic abundance of space.

Dissatisfied, he traveled to the furthest edge of the universe and looked Beyond. He asked the beings there what they thought of space and time.
They did not answer.
He asked them what they thought of existence and they told him to stop speaking.
They asked him what fueled his torch and he refused the answer.
They grew angry and decided to try and strike a bargain.
They told him they'd reveal their thoughts on time and space if he reveals what burns his torch.
They told him time is only within his mind and that space is a projection thereof.

He fled.
He fled to earth and dropped his torch there, and it burned to the center of the planet.

He returned to the fabric of Venus and thought for an impossible amount of time and willed time and space to cease and yet he could not.

After, he willed himself to cease existing and he did.

His torch stopped burning with him and humankind was born from the ashes, they crawled from the center of Earth and wept for their creator.

I asked my father what this meant and he told me to stop speaking, and asked me what fuels my torch. Once I answer that, I will understand.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2015
There's a little mailbox off Broad Street that serves as a sort of library. You can take books out and you can put books in.
Yesterday, directly across the street from the library there was a sign on front porch of a house that read "free" and there was a pile of belts and hats and other things.

I want you to write about me but you don't know me and all I know about you is that you're not happy with who you are and that you write and that you're beautiful and disgusting and I am all of these things as well.

My mother has been pulling her hair out; she is losing a custody battle for my little sister, she lost her job and is living off welfare. I'm working two jobs because she asked me not to eat the food in the house so I do enough drugs I don't want to eat and punk rock music is always softly playing from my room, I can't stand it any louder.

My shoes have holes in them.
My gas light has been on for two days.
And I am happy.
The end is never the end,
I won't bother wrapping this poem up because it is not over.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2013
Walking down main street, not worried about the rain, was John Carpenter.
Sure, he had on his hat and coat, but he had not remembered to grab his umbrella.
Luckily his sister had not been with him or else she would have had a fit. She was always talking about how he needed to bundle up more, he only got pneumonia twice  year, and seemed to always have a cold.
He didn't mind though. More often then not, a nice hot cup of coco, or brandy would clear his sinuses and he'd be fine.
Today he did not have a cold and today he was walking down mainstream, letting the rain fall gently upon his face and shoulders. He passed the bar he so often frequented in his younger years, and saw a familiar face across the not so busy main street. He stopped then, rather suddenly, and slumped agaisnt the wall.
My, it had been years since he had seen her. Years since he had talked to her. Looking across the street, through light traffic and light rains he remembered the other times he had looked upon her face.
He remembered the last time he had done so while seeing her. They had woken up in bed, him before her as was usual. They had woken up to kisses and squeezes and the smell of cigarettes and brandy and parchment.
Looking across the street he remembered everything about her, The Girl With Flowers In Her Hair.
He remembered the way she squeezed him tight, tighter than any other girl.
He remembered the way she laughed after they kissed
and he remembered how it had ended.
A shameful night in March, two years ago.
Drunkingly, he laid his hand upon her. Not in the nice way, but in the way his step father used to unto him. He did it because she would not go to the store to pick up more brandy.
That is why he hit her.
It was not the first time, though.
The first time he had been drunk as well and it had been because she talked back to him, the way he would to his step father. Now, you must understand, she gave him a second chance. She swore that if he were to every lay a hand on her ever again she would be gone. He swore to her that he would never again do so. He would lay off the brandy and he would be the man he should be. The man his real father was, before he died. He would be a husband and a lover and a healer and a man. He promised these things.
Then, two months later, he hit her again.
This was the last time.
She followed through on her promise and he did not see her until that moment, right then, as he looked across the street. He thought he should go over to her and say hello.
He though maybe he should cry at her knees, God knows he wanted to.
He thought he should beg for her back.
No, he had not gotten off the brandy, but that's only because she left.
He would though.
Oh God, he would.
Just as John Carpenter had worked up enough courage to cross the street and talk to Mary Stein, The Girl With Flowers In Her Hair, a man emerged from the building and grasped her arm. And she huddled close to him and looked up at him in a trusting, loving way. The way she used to him. Not the way John's mother did his stepfather. Not the way Mary did the last time she looked at him.
The strode, Mary and the Man,
arm in arm up the sidewalk.
Into a taxi, that sped away, up the street and away from John.
Oh God, how he would quit the brandy.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2013
Put out a cigarette.
Lite a new one.
Take a shower.
Drink some coffee.
Quick brush of the teeth.

This is how John Carpenter starts his day.

Start the truck.
Lite a cigarette.
Drive.
Drive.
Lite a new cigarette.
Drive.

This is how John Carpenter goes to work.

Check in with the boss.
Sit down at typewriter.
Lite a cigarette.
Think.
Type.
Type.
Lite a cigarette.
Type.
Type.
Lite a cigarette.
Type.
Type.
Type.
Think.
Stretch.
Lite a cigarette.
Type.

This is how John Carpenter spend the first hour at work.

Repeat seven times.

Check out with boss.
Start the truck.
Lite a cigarette.
Drive.
Drive.
Lite another cigarette.
Drive.

This is how John Carpenter drives home.

Take off his coat.
Lite a cigarette.
Feed the dog.
Cook a steak.
Drink a beer.
Eat the steak.
Drink another beer.
Lite a cigarette.
Watch the ballgame.
Lite another cigarette.
Lite four or five more throughout the game.
Quick brush of the teeth.
Lite a cigarette.
Read.
Read.
Read.
Lite another.
Read.
Read.
Drink some brandy.
Fall asleep.

This is how John Carpenter spends his evening.

Repeat all of this 7,304 times.

This is how John Carpenter spends his life.

And when he has smoked enough cigarettes for a lifetime
and read enough for a life time
and eaten enough steak
and drank enough brandy and beer
and written enough novels
for a lifetime
he will die.
And only Mary Stein will miss him.
Jeremy Duff Mar 2013
I have a strange relationship with my across-the-street neighbor.
Every morning, after the coffee *** is brewing and the bed is made,
I enjoy a cigarette or two just outside the front door.
I look across the street and I see him.
Bearded, usually wearing a hoodie, sweatpants and slippers.
On a typical morning he is out before me, about half way through his cigarette.

Although I've lived across the street from him for the better part of two years, I do not know his name.
I know that he smokes Marlboro 100's, just from the way his pack, generally in his cigarette holding hand, looks.
I know he has a wife, and a what seems to be three year old daughter.
I love this man.
I love him and his wife and his daughter and his Marlboro 100's.
Every morning that I see him, it is a sign that I am awake, that this is all real.
For if I were to not wake my mind would not be so cruel as to trick me.
My mind would not be so cruel as to deceivingly use my only sense of comfort against me.

Before daylight savings so rudely interrupted my subconscious schedule, the sun would just creep above the low tree line behind the man's house as he put out his cigarette and go inside.
On some days, I imitate him shortly after, dropping my cigarette and returning inside.
On other days, days when I need all of the tobacco in my cigarette, which have been occurring more often than they used to, I follow him more slowly. I stay outside until the sun is completely out from behind the tree line. Some days, as was the case this morning, I need two cigarettes to properly prepare me for the day.
And on these days, the man returns outside, with his baby girl in his arms and his wife following behind.
They all pile into his grey Toyota pickup and are off.
Where to, I know not.
All I know is that I will see him tomorrow.
And I love him for that.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2012
The old man sighed and jammed his freshly rolled, freshly lit cigarette into the ash tray.
"Too many cigarettes before bedtime oft' keep an' old man like me up all night."
The young man put out his cigarette as well, gently weeping inside over the wasted tobacco.
"Aye, a youngin' like myself as well."
The conversation had been going slightly south ever since the young man made the mistake of asking about his counterparts first wife. "She died," he had said "One of them December o' 2012 suicides that plagued the big cities such as this."
The young man remembered how he had looked out the window at this point a bit too nostalgically.
"She was crazy," he had added "I knew it the day I slipped the ring on and I know it now."
They dropped the subject and began talking about The War, coincidentally another touchy subject.
"Most of my friends died, and if you've read your history books you know it was not courage or chivalry that killed them but the ignorance and fear that our country breathed when drafting all the young men."
He had escaped with his life, which he believed was garbage. he told of how he had hid in the sewers while the long thought peaceful Canadian's swarmed over the East coast. While his friends died he ate rats. While the war machine chugged he was cowering.

"Aye, I see how you looked at that stoke, though."
"Pardon?" The young man had been deep in thought of the conversation they had been having.
"How old are you anyway?"
"19 on the 9th."
"And still not a whisker on your chin, aye?"
"Aye."

He told of many more battles. Some he fought in, others he cowered under.
"And one, that I cowered over. I passed out in the helicopter, do-it-please-yah."
He told of his second wife, a bit more fondly and romantically than his first wife.
She had passed away not 8 months before the young man visited him for the first time and that was 6 months past.

He showed scars, from the prison camps.
He rolled cigarettes from his poke pouch.
He admitted forgetting the face of his father.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2015
The old man still visits and he tells himself he doesn't care and he figures that lying to oneself is something we never really grow out of.

Some days he knocks on the door and altogether realizes he does care, he cares so ******* much and his chest begins to hurt and he leaves before she can answer.

Other days he knocks on the door and lies to himself and waits for her to answer. She does and they exchange pleasantries and she invites him inside for tea. Most days he'll stay for a glass and leave without incident. Making his way home he remembers how much he cares and vomits all over the bulbs on the sidewalk.

Some days he cares entirely too much and stays for a second cup of tea, only to torture himself. These are the days he takes twice as many of the back pain pills before going to sleep.

He looks in the mirror in a state of sedated discomfort and wishes that he could not care, he wishes he could lose the ability to feel, he looks himself in the eye and says "you're an old man, caring is for the young, vomiting is for the young, searching for a rock you threw into a creek and feeling some way, anyway, is for the young."

He's not entirely sure what he wants, what he prays for (to nobody and nothing in particular) but he knows he wants and by god he knows he prays.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
*** is
the only way I've been able
to satisfy my desire for you,
without sticking a straw in my nose,
or shoving pills down my throat,
or smoking god knows what.
*** is
the only way I've been able
to not cry out to you.
Yet,
somehow *** makes me yearn for you more,
*** makes me crave you more,
and *** makes me realize how desperately I want you.

It's always been you,
from the day I've met you.
There's been other girls,
too many other girls,
too few other girls,
and there's been you.
So unattainable,
so out of reach,
but not out of mind.
There's always been you,
and until you are in my bed,
until your fingers leave marks on my back,
until yours is the first voice I hear,
you will not be out of mind,
and even after then you will not be out of mind.
I'm not proud of myself for remaining so devoted to you, I am rather stricken that I fill my empty nights with sad girls, and dream of you with them in my bed
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
The skies are blue and the clouds look fluffy.
The air is crisp and the water is chilling.
The mountains appear to touch the sky
and the leaves are rich shades of green, red, and orange.

I walked along out of service train tracks that cut through this mountain. Literally, through it.
The tunnels started on the West Shore of Donner Lake and followed the ridge of the mountain all the way to Truckee. I hiked a half a mile from the highway up to an opening in the tunnel. For a few hundred yards the tunnel was riddled with broken bottles and worthless graffiti. As I walked further in, the garbage began to disappear and the graffiti became thoughtful, artful. It became darker and darker until I could only see the circle illuminated by my pin flashlight. On one spot of the wall someone had written the entire first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. Someone had drawn a white line. Just a white line and I was so intrigued by it. People wrote stories of the lives. "Im kevin, my gf broke up w me now im gay" or "Im pat. i got dmt and then i got aids" and "im kaylene. thats it."
Someone sprayed a **** pipe on the wall of the tunnel and it was green. They paid very good attention to the crystals in the bowl and the smoke rising from it. A young girl with black hair had her lips on the pipe and she was breathing in. Written under it was "Remember, remember, the 5th of November."
Some one else had sprayed a cowboy. One half of him was black outlined with white and gray detail and the other half was white outlined with gray and black detail. Next to it was written "Childe Roland to the dark tower come."
Some one else had sprayed a devil. He was red with pure black eyes. It was signed "Self Portrait."
Halfway through there was a drain and creepily enough a faint light was shining from underneath the thick grates. Above it some one wrote "I stashed my **** here for three years."
Under that someone had wrote "Gateway to hell."

The rocks jutted out in straight lines.
Some were smooth and others rough.
The mountains cleansed me.
They wiped away some of the grime
this small city has polluted me with.
The crisp air exfolliated some of the
smoke from my lungs and the water
pulled the dirt from my skin
and the hike massaged my sore
feet and the graffiti swept through
one eyeball and took all the garbage
in my brain out through the other
eyeball. The mountains saved me.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2015
On the day of worship the Temple filled.
It had been three years since the Messiah left, and nobody had forgotten.

The Priests of Tek dawned their red robes
and Father John Misty took his place at the altar, his heart heavy yet full of chagrin.

He clears his throat,
my fellow children of yonder Year,
my sisters of Sand,
my brothers of Dust,
my lovers of Greed,
here now what I say,
for I speaketh not.


for now speaks The Shrike,
for now speaks The Lord of Atonement,
your God of Pain,
your mystifying Excellence of Death.


Father Misty reached into his black robe and drew forth a small child.
What life may have been left in the infant was destroyed when Father John Misty stuck the unmoving body onto the red spike protruding from the altar, the spike entering the body through the ****, and reaching an inch from the soft skull.

Father John Misty's voice took on a lower town, yet softer, not forgiving, yet all knowing.

This child has a name.
This child is Jesus Christ.
This child will grow as if alive.

And before the rough congregations eyes the child began to grow on the spire. The limbs first lengthened, than filled out. The child's chest expanded and the head grew bigger. Father Misty then hoisted him off of the spire, and set him, bleeding, before the congregation. The body began to shift, jerky movements before the skin appeared to bubble. A low gutteral sound began to emanate from now full grown man. He lifted his torso and head up and looked at each member of The Temple of Ten individually.

He spoke

I am your savior,
I am unfruitful death,
I am unwarranted pain,
I am money being cheated from the desperate man,
I am the brains taken from a lobotomite,
I am the destruction of a hurricane,
I am as dead as the gasoline you **** for,
I am as dead as you are.


I am Jesus Christ,
this is not the first time you've seen me,
this will not be the last.
You are allowed to die now.


And they did.
Jeremy Duff Apr 2015
I know back roads and bonfires.
I know pine trees and rivers.
I know parking lots and cigarettes.
I know trailers and trailblazers.

The day I was born I was wrapped in dust,
it coated my skin and made me sneeze.
I was laid down on a bed of dust and my nose began to bleed, it hasn't stopped.

In school we'd throw a tennis ball against a wall, we'd run through the field, we didn't have swings, we didn't have a soccer ball.
We read from dusty books, we inhaled the words and dust alike.

In high school we drove fast down back roads. We drank beer and started a fire. We swam in the rivers and smoked doobies on the rocks.
These are the things I know.
I know this small town, I know the people in it, I know the trees and I know the back roads.
I don't know heartbreak.
I don't know alcoholism.
I don't know anything that is not covered in dust, I don't know anything beyond this valley.
Jeremy Duff Dec 2014
I imagined your hips in my hands,
and I imagined I had it all under control.

I stared at your lips when you spoke,
you pretended not to notice.

I stared at your *** when you walked away,
and your hips swang methodically, enticingly.

Public intoxication, two nights in the county jail, 500 dollars in court fees and fines, and the feel of your breast on my palms.  These are the things that haunt me.
You haunt me.
Jeremy Duff Apr 2013
A talking dog and
a girl in flowers and
an old man in a suit and
a wolf with arrows in his eyes and
two bodies entwined and
a girl ascending stairs and
Why? and
the Empire State Building and
a young man smoking and
a house tilting over a cliff and
a lost paradise and
snow falling on lamps and
two teenagers floating in a pool and
waves crashing and
dilapidated house in Berkshires, MA and
the Devil and God and
boys in jackets and
young men singing and
fans blowing air on a bed and
nothing.

These are the things I see.
These are the things that haunt me.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2012
The world is absurd and nothing is of value.
There is no meaning in these daily rituals.
All these petty relationships and petty jobs and pathetic people they have no value.

There is no such thing as love.
Your mother will never love you.
You are a broken ****** and don't let anyone lie to you.
When people say children are a blessing knock their teeth out; they are wrong.
When people tell you there is a god knock their teeth out.
When people tell you there is no god knock their teeth out.

No matter how many people surround you, you will die alone.
Just as you came into this world.
Whatever god you prayed to will not welcome you with wide arms.
Whatever hell you feared will not be burning.
Whatever world you left will not miss you.

You are alone in this world.
The only thing you can confirm is yourself.
You are real.
You are here.
Nobody else is.
Everything revolves around you.
You.

You think of yourself as smart, attractive and courageous.
I am here to tell you to knock your teeth in; you are wrong.
When you sleep the world stops.
You.
You.
You.
*You.
Jeremy Duff Sep 2012
I used to play with Army Men
until I learned what an Army meant.
Until I learned the evil they carried out,
following orders is no excuse.
Freedom is no excuse.
Security is no excuse.

The reasons are simple: hate, greed, ignorance, fear.

People forget that the English Settlers killed ten times more Native Americans than the amount of people killed during the September 11th Attacks.
They just forget.

They forget about the terrorist tactics our founding fathers employed to reach victory.
They forget about the terrorist tactics our leaders employ today to reach victory.
They just forget.
Jeremy Duff Nov 2013
It's all a copy
of a copy
of a copy
of love.
Jeremy Duff Feb 2014
A man steps onto the sidewalk,
his new two hundred dollar shoes catch the sunlight.
He checks his watch.
Five minutes past noon, already.
He has twenty five minutes left for lunch
and however much he would like to go to The Blue Room and blow fifty bucks on lunch, he only has time to walk to the hot dog stand done the street.
"Oh well," he thinks, "maybe it will bring back some nostalgic memories of my father."
He laughs.

After taking one bite of his hotdog, he remembers how his father used to yell at him.
"Timmy," his father would say, "when are you going to get off your *** and earn money like a man? When are you going to make your father proud?"
His mother would yell from the next room, which would always spark an argument.
"John," she'd yell, "don't yell at my son! He's 14, he doesn't need a job!"
They would yell and yell and each time Timmy's father hit his wife, he would take another swig from his flask. He ended up drinking himself to death by the time John was in college (which his father never paid a time for).

Lighting up one-twentieth of a twelve dollar pack of cigarettes,
he began walking back to his office, where he made the better end of $90,000 dollars annually, after taxes.
He heard a voice beside him ask for a cigarette.
Turning around, not at all surprised with what he saw, he grudgingly handed one-twentieth of his twelve dollar pack of cigarettes to a *****, unshaven man.
"Thanks a lot, white"
"What was that supposed to mean," thought John.
"What the hell was that supposed to mean?" John asked the man.
"Chill out, white, man, I mean white collar, you know, rich boy?"
"You know why I'm a rich boy, huh dirt?" John never usually said such things but thinking about his father put him an a bad mood. As did the breaking down of his self tanner the night before.
"I'm a rich man because I work hard, and I don't sit around on my *** and *** smokes off a man who actually earns them. Why don't you get a job, huh? Why don't you stop being a *******? Why don't you stop being the black eye of modern America and do something with your life?"
John was breathing hard at this point. He would lose no sleep over saying those things.
The man smiled politely, and looked at John for a second, before saying:
"I don't make money, simply because I don't need money."
A pause.
"Do you realize why I don't need money? I don't need money because it isn't important. Do you know what is important?"
The man tapped his heart, and then his head,
"These are important. My heart is healthier than yours and so is my head. I am free. I can sit on the street corner and eat your scraps, or I can take a bus to California and eat Californian's scraps. I am free. I can do whatever I want, man. I can run with the bulls in Spain, I can run with the taxis here. But leave, your lunch our is almost over and we wouldn't your boss getting mad at you, would we? So run along, little slave, little slave to money. Have a nice day and thanks for the smoke."

The man left before John did.
John called in sick to work, and he was indeed sick.
How could this man possibly think he was better than John?
John didn't lose any sleep over what he said,
but he lost a lot of sleep,
and a lot of ***,
and a lot of money,
because this man was right.
John wasn't free.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2014
First Night (First Dream)

She is warm and she is soft.
She is a warm soft place that I like to be
and want to continue being in/around/with.

I dreamed of the first time her and I made love,
except it was different.
Everything was tinted blue
and there was less blood.

Second Night (No Dream)

Third Night (Second Dream)

You are warm, but I cannot remember your warmth.
I remember the touch of your hand
in likeness to the color of your hair;
orange and sun streaked.
But now you are gone (or leaving, I'm not sure)
and I'm begging you to stick around.
In my dream we were sitting on your neighbors porch,
kissing as we were that night.
Only this time, I was out of body, lingering around the Christmas lights,
screaming at you to stop,
because I knew I would not listen,
but you might.
As much as I miss you I'm just as upset with you.
You didn't cause my problems,
I didn't start popping pills because you made me sad.
I'm better now and I want to celebrate this with you
but you're gone. You continue to promise me you'll come back,
but actions speak louder than words.
Just let me be happy with my life without missing my best friend.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
One single minute ago it was yesterday.
But now it's today.
Minutes are a funny thing.
They can go by in the blink of an eye when you want them to last forever.
They can take forever to pass when you just want the next one to arrive.

Hours are an even funnier thing.
Just one hour ago I was shivering.
I was cold and I was alone and I was sick and I was thinking about you.
Now, an hour later I am uncomfortably hot and I am thinking about how to get my next pack of cigarettes.
One hour someone could be in love and the next they could be hateful.

Days are odd as well.
One day ago I was happy.
I was in a place that I love and I was enjoying myself.
Now, one day later I am home and yet I am home sick.
One day someone could be alive and the next day they could be dead.

Months are ridiculous.
One month ago I was carefree.
I smoked anything I could get my hands on and I was the highest flying bird in the sky.
Now, one month later I am recovering and I am paying the price.
One month someone could be scared for their life and the next they can be living without a single thought.

Now years, there's some tricky business.
One year ago I had morales.
I was strong and I stood by my beliefs and I was surrounded by love and friends.
Now, one year later I am intolerant and in need of a soul search.
One year someone could be the king of the world and the next they can be the one shoveling ****.

But lifetimes, don't even get me started on those.
One lifetime ago I could have been a priest. I could have been a king. I could have been a drug dealer and I could have been a drug addict.
Now, one lifetime later I am myself and I am happy and than sad and than happy and confused.
One lifetime can see a lot but it can also be blind from what's going on.

Time is a man made concept.
It is not real and it will never be real unless you let it.
You can let it control your life and make you decide on subjects you are not ready to.
Or you can **** on time and live your ******* life however you please.

"The past is a liar, the future a *****."

Now, there is this thing called distance...
Jeremy Duff Nov 2012
Time and Distance was always the recipe for disaster.
These two little words can move mountains of hate. Merely shove them aside.
They can do the same to love. Brush it off like a father will when his kids plead for him to at least look at the menu on the ice cream truck.

Love does not fade as easily as we all wish it could. As you and I wish it would.
Love is a tender flower that needs to be nurtured and be kept in a well lit, well watered garden.

Hate does not fade as easily as we all wish it could. As you and I wish it would.
Hate is a brutal **** that will grow in any garden. It will strangle love of the nutrients that so rightfully belong to it; the tender flower.

Time is a killer, a stone cold killer. It some how manages to find love and destroy it. Time is the Antichrist.
One thinks they can conquer it, when indeed, they cannot.

Distance is an enzyme. Much like the ones found in the human stomach. As everyone knows enzymes are reaction specific. They can only help in one chemical reaction, one minute, tiny reaction.
One thinks they can subdue distance, make it their friend, when indeed, they cannot.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
The young boy stuffed his hands back into his pockets and looked down.
His black shoes looked nice against the moldy, rotten, floor of the boat.
Water splashed up onto the back of his neck just as he pulled his hood up.
He had forgotten it was there and his ears instantly felt warmer.
Him, his old man, and his old man's friend had launched the boat 15 minutes ago.
After some trouble they got it started and began across the frosty lake.
The sun was still not up yet, and the temperature was below freezing.
"See the steam rising off the water?" the second old man had asked,
"The water is warmer than the air."

And so they had began their journey.

"Stand up for a sec, James, I need to get to the tackle box."
The boy complied and was surprised to find that it was warmer standing up.
Even with the wind slapping at his face.
Just as his father retrieved the box he shouted "Rich! Stop!"
There was another boat not 10 feet in front of them, running perpendicular to there boat.
Rich slammed the engine into reverse.
He smacked his head on the small windshield in front of him, knocking him out.
The boy's dad fell over and smacked his head on the side of the boat, almost knocking him out.
James went flying. He flew straight over the front of the boat and into the water.
Not even a second later the underside of the boat smacked into his back.
Not even a second after that the propeller from the boat sliced off his left hand
and also chopped down to the bone in his neck.

Time of death was estimated to be at 6:07 A.M.
Rich was alright, the crash causing a minute fracture in the second disk of his neck.
The boy's father was also alight, only re breaking his long ago broken left shoulder.
The single child's mother killed herself six days later.
His girlfriend never dated another boy ever again.
Until she met Bobby, who took her pain away with the knuckles on his strong right.
His father never returned to work, instead drank away his welfare and later his life.
Rich lived almost normally until his daughter was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer,
killing her within weeks of diagnosis.
Then, he moved to Arizona and was killed by a **** dealer.

And the world went on.
Jeremy Duff Dec 2014
Timmy got a bike,
Timmy ******* died.
Timmy's mother drank,
Timmy's father cried.

And it rained.
It rained for five days and six nights,
and although it stopped raining on the sixth day, the sun did not shine.

It's the movement,
iOS7, download tonight,
Timmy's bike was red,
his friends thought it was tight.

Timmy got a bike,
(Each day we all feel a bit more like Bukowski, a bit more cynical)
Timmy ******* died.
Jeremy Duff Oct 2012
Death seems closer than it ever has.
Just as the moon did in March 2011.
Just as my family felt before I used.

At the end of the day, when I'm all alone, I wonder who I am.
Where am I?
When I'm in my room.
These posters are boring.
These paintings make me sick.
These letters bring it all back home.
Go away, go home.
Be gone, evermore.
Me trying to be poetic.
Ehh not my favorite.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2013
People want to do something great.
They want to write novels and join the army
and cure cancer and raise a family.
But when all is said and done,
the greatest thing you could ever do
is volunteer at your local soup kitchen.

In a town full of good people
I have to be bad.
I have to smoke cigarettes behind the church during lunch.
But in a world full of bad people
I have to be good.
I have to carry to butts in my pocket and throw them in a dumpster.
I have to be bad.
I have to steal handles of ***** from Safeway.
I have to be good.
I have to recycle the bottles when I'm done.
I have to steal my fathers Vicodin.
I have to buy him coffee at least once a week.
I have to sleep during math class.
I have to stay up 'till 4, studying.
I have to be loud when I'm drunk.
I have to keep my mouth shut when I'm sober.
****, I forgot  which ones were good and which ones were bad.
Jeremy Duff Jun 2013
I don't know why it's been hitting me so hard these past few days.
Maybe it's the amount of time I've been spending with you,
or the realisation of how little time I have left to spend with you.

You keep telling me I'll survive and I know I will.
It's just that I don't want to.
And I hate that I have to.
Jeremy Duff Jan 2013
I would say I've lost my touch but that implies that I had a touch.
I would say everything I now touch turns to rust but that would imply that it once turned to gold.
I would say I'm going crazy but that would imply that I was once sane.
I would say I still love you but that would imply that I once loved you.
I would say I wish I had a cigarette but I wish I had a cigarette.

I don't understand.
I don't understand.
I don't.

Why am I here?
Why am I typing?
Is it to solicit a response?
Is it a desperate plea?

I am falling and I will never be caught.
Not by ground, not by mitt, not by death.


I'm getting bad again.
I'm breaking bad.
I'm breaking ties.

Maybe a change would be nice.
Maybe I can cut all of my ties and form a new life.
It almost sounds appealing.
But *******, I've loved my friends for too long to cut them out.
But I've hated myself for longer.
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